Matty, The outer story is about an intern accompanying his scientist boss to a convention, only to find out that their new invention was a ruse to casually encounter Mr. Canning’s long lost love. The inner story of this piece is understanding the innerworkings of Mr. Canning’s mind, and watching his transform from an evil madman to a sensitive romantic.
This piece is very charming and funny, and Macaulay has a charisma and a voice all his own. I love how he notes, “The unpredictable nature of Dr. Canning’s desire for vocal response was one of the few things that kept my work with him interesting” (1). Not only is this funny, but reveals so much about Mr. Canning’s volatile nature and Macaulay’s calm and humorous attitude. I also enjoyed Mr. Canning’s ostrich egg of a bald spot, the explanation of his reputation as a villainous madman, and Canning’s anger over the misspelling of his name on the science convention sign. These details are wonderful, almost always very funny, and add a richness to your dynamic duo.
I had a hard time understanding the world this duo inhabits, however. At the beginning, I accept that Mr. Canning has actually done all these crazy, villainous, insane and out-of-this-world feats, such as creating Zombies, walking sharks, ocean-boilers and vaporizers. However, after Mr. Malstein describes Mr. Canning as an over-rated tinker, as a reader I am no longer sure what is the truth. By the end of your story, I no longer think Mr. Canning is evil, but was his water-heater meant for a jacuzzi or the ocean? And if was just for the ocean, then why did Carter give in to Mr. Canning’s demands? Who do I believe? More importantly, is this world really different from ours at all, or has Macaulay used his imagination to blow all of Canning’s work out of proportion? I think the world is scewed, everyone seems to agree that walking sharks did actually invade, but I then become confused as to Canning’s intentions. If he isn’t evil, then why did he make the sharks?
This story is about the interaction and understanding between Macaulay and Canning, and I think I need to see Macaulay reflect more on his boss. He is sure he is evil in the beginning, but as he starts to learn from Malstein of Canning’s mistakes and blunders as a scientist, I wanted to see Macaulay react. Is Macaulay completely surprised by this news? Does he not believe the news? Does the news match the Canning that Macaulay has been watching for the past three months? Perhaps Macaulay has been imagining Canning in a hyberbolic way all this while, and the reality of Canning’s ordinary life comes as a shock. Whatever you choose, I felt that I wanted to more fully understand how Macaulay interpreted this scene.
I enjoy the end of your story, but I don’t think that you need to spell out Canning’s motives. The second Canning speaks to Ephedra and then walks out of the convention, I understand that was his purpose in coming. For me, Macaulay’s questions and then closing summary take away from the power of this scene Maybe show us Macaulay’s shock, or just let us watch Canning rub the lipstick mark, and that will be enough. Best of luck with revisions, Katie
The story “How I Spent My Summer” is about a college student who interns for a evil inventor Dr. Canning and accompanies him to an inventors’ convention, only to find out that the invention Canning brought was solely a scheme for him to see his old love. To me, the internal story was about humanizing an easily pigeonholed evil inventor. While he would usually be seen as a terrible monster, this story seeks to show that he also has a sensitive side.
I loved how imaginative this story was. It combined a truly fairy-tale-like world (zombies, mad scientists) with the real world (with details like college credit and President Carter) in a whimsical and amusing way. As a reader, I wanted to keep reading to find out what would happen next and what the crazy invention would be. It was funny to hear about the crazy things the inventor had done, like vaporize someone’s hand, and hijack the presidency only to back down out of cowardice. And it was funny to hear it all through the voice of the normal-seeming narrator.
Another great aspect of the story was the characterization of Dr. Canning. His arrogance and condescension towards the narrator contrasts with his defeated conversation with Malstein at the convention, showing how he is the king in his own world, but in the larger context of the world is a sad, little man. He is interesting in how he is unpredictable about when he wants the narrator to respond, in how he needs to tell and re-tell his successes in a distorted fashion. And he is interesting in that he creates an entirely fake invention for three months, and does it solely to see a woman he loves, even for just a minute.
As you mentioned in your charming header, there are many things that need to be developed in the story, but it is a great start. First of all, there are some things that need to be clarified/explained a bit more. I wonder why the President would grant Dr. Canning amnesty, and the government would leave him alone his whole life to develop weapons of possibly mass destruction; I wonder why the narrator has absolutely no other summer options – are these the only jobs available in this world? Is he interested in being an inventor himself? And if so, why wouldn’t he try to be more involved in the invention process, enough to know what he’s helping invent? I also wonder if anything ever happened between Dr. Canning and Ephedra.
Another thing that could be developed is the scene at the convention. While we do get a lot of important information about what has happened in the past, and what a fraud Dr. Canning is, it seems a little too contrived. Malstein calls him out, and Dr. Canning barely even fights back. While I like that Dr. Canning is put in his place, I have trouble believing that he just takes it without any comebacks or defense. Have they not seen each other in ten years? And why is Malstein so malicious towards him? Why does he feel the need to embarrass him in front of all these people? I think you could rework this scene to make the climax of their rivalry more realistic.
Overall, I admire your use of whimsy and fun to make an interesting story! Good work!
The outer story of “How I Spent My Summer” was about Macaulay’s internship with Dr. Canning, an unsuccessful mad scientist. He spends the summer believing that the doctor is an evil genius, however, when they go to the big science convention, it turns out the Dr. Canning is actually quite a hack, his rival is married to the woman of his dreams and his entire project, which he had spent the entire summer working on, was a great big ruse to enable Dr. Canning to see the love of his life without it seeming contrived. I read the inner story as Macaulay’s realization that everything is not always as it seems. After reading what happened at the science convention, Macaulay seems naïve and easily duped. I think that throughout the story Macaulay just wanted Dr. Canning to respect him, despite the fact that on many levels, he seemed know that Dr. Canning was not credible.
I thought that the character of Dr. Canning was very well done. I found myself intrigued by him and liking his eccentricities. The first paragraph of the story sets up the relationship between Macaulay and Dr. Canning quite well. We learn that Dr. Canning gives long speeches every day, many of which are repeats. When Dr. Canning says “Do be quiet, Macaulay. I’m ruminating”. I felt like I already knew exactly who this character was. He stayed vivid and consistent throughout the story and I didn’t like seeing the shell of a man he turned into when his rival began berating him. I was not able to get such a vivid sense of the narrator. Throughout the story, he seems to recognize that Dr. Canning’s operation is not very legitimate and that he is not the scientist that he claims to be. However, at the same time he still seeks his approval. Even thought the story is a first-person narrative, one would have a hard time making the case that the narrator is the protagonist. He is basically a set of eyes that casts judgments, but he never gets any action. Even in the end, he admits that he hasn’t really changed and nothing really mattered. I wanted to see him more involved.
I was also unclear on exactly what kind of world we were dealing with in this story. Throughout the first half of the story I was buying it completely, we were in an alternate reality in which mad scientists were possible and the idea that one could hold Jimmy Carter up for the presidency was plausible. However, as the story went on and it became apparent that Dr. Canning was essentially a nobody, I started to question the rules of the world. It was as if we were still being led to believe that we were in an alternate reality, but one in which the president is willing to give up the presidency without even asking any questions. At this point I didn’t really buy it anymore. In all I felt like the first half of the story was very strong, but that things stopped making quite as much sense in the second half. However, the first half is more than enough to build a very interesting story off of, and Dr. Canning is great.
“How I Spent My Summer” is a story about a college student named Macaulay (hehe) who is interning for a mad scientist, Dr. Canning. Dr. Canning attends the GMS for the first time in ten years and Macaulay is finally getting ready to figure out what he’s been doing this entire summer, but it turns out that Dr. Canning’s only real desire is to see his long-lost love, Ephedra (again, great name). On a deeper level, it is about how true love can be the craziest thing in a person’s life, even if that person is a “mad scientist.”
I really enjoyed the comic and witty tone of your story. That very first paragraph of dialogue set the tone of this different world right away and that tone remained consistent throughout the story. I liked the first-person narrator, Macaulay, very much also. He has a great voice (“I know serving evil isn’t exactly the Red Cross as far as a moral compass goes, but at least I was being productive. Plus, college credit”) and I loved his descriptions of Dr. Canning. One thing, though, that I wondered about Macaulay was how exactly he changed in the story. He is an awesome narrator and I can see how his perceptions of Dr. Canning changed (from not thinking too much of him at all to defending him at the GMS and so forth) but I think it could be developed a little more. For instance, I think the climax of the story is definitely Ephedra’s entrance but I don’t actually know how the narrator feels about this, and while that last paragraph of your story was in some ways very appropriate, I think I wanted just a little bit more of Macaulay as a character and not just a narrator.
Speaking about Ephedra, I really loved the cuteness of their romance and how touched Dr. Canning was (“With one finger he gently touched the small amount of lipstick,” nice detail), so I wanted to see more of her when she appears in the flesh. I think that climatic moment could be slowed down a little more. “Strikingly beautiful” doesn’t really do Ephedra justice, I think. Also, while I totally buy into the power of true love, I did wonder just a little about why there wasn’t more bitterness on Dr. Canning’s part. His rival, who he has complained about every day for the past three months, is married to the woman he loves—those are the circumstances of great drama and maybe this is just me, but I wanted more of this narrative arc and less of the rivalry. For instance, when Malstein was humiliating Dr. Canning at the GMS, I just found myself getting really confused—is Dr. Canning a great scientist, a real villain, or just misunderstood? I liked Dr. Canning’s character a great deal more in the first half of the story—the way he monologues in front of the one window in the lab, the way he talks to Macaulay (“I realize that until now I may have been somewhat secretive”) and their interactions in general, and also that moment on the bottom of page six where he talks about his career (“he wasn’t just evil”). Dr. Canning is an awesome character and I would have liked to see more bravado on his part when dealing with Malstein, especially if he’s just there to see Ephedra, anyway; then what does he have to lose by fighting back when Malstein talks down to him?
“How I Spent My Summer” is a really funny read and I enjoyed it very much. You have a great sense of humor and voice. Your story has a great amount of plot and movement; I think it’s just a matter of picking the threads that are most important to you (the Macaulay-Canning interaction, the Canning-Malstein rivalry, the Ephedra-Canning romance, the Canning-science community conflict, and so forth) and bringing them out more and maybe dropping others. Great draft!
Matty, I thought you did yourself a disservice with the disclaimer. This story was about an intern with a mad scientist. It was about the way that even a slightly bumbling evil genius, hell-bent on world domination can have a softer side. I like the way that this story takes everything for granted. The narrator lives in a world of zombies, death rays and land sharks and doesn’t think too much about it. He works for a terrorist (I think for no pay) but is only concerned about getting college credits. This shrugging off of the all the eccentricity around him is the source for a lot of the humor. Since I find out at the end that everything was about Ephedra, I question why she is not more of central figure in the first ten or so pages. She is shown, but not built up. I was really frustrated at not knowing what the device did at the end and the kiss on the forehead did not sate me as it did Dr. Canning. I thought that more could be made out of the scene where Mac goes into the Dr.’s study. There could be more that shows his history with Ephedra here. Also the boy could relate a little more of what the professor has told him in the past about her. The last scene left me really frustrated. As before stated, I want to know what the professor has been working on. I thought it would be really funny and ironic if the machine produced “anti-cancer”radiation or something immensely beneficial to humanity and then he just smashed it. As it is now, the ending doesn’t seem to fit with the rest of the story. It is too nice and sentimental in a story that is all about humor and irony. I wanted to see more of Canning’s reactions to Malstein while he is being berated. I thought it might be interesting to show Ephedra before this starts. Then maybe he is just standing there, glowing while Malstein roasts him. His wheezing was ok, but I thought that he could do something more entertaining. Does he have a really weird nervous habit that the narrator has seen him do once or twice before?
I thought that the car ride scene to the convention was unnecessary and could be cut. This wouldn’t hurt the story and it would cut out what seems to me just drag time.
A very funny draft and not that shockingly rough. Thank you
The outer story is about an guy who spends his summer interning for “mad scientist” Dr. Canning and eventually is asked to go to the Great Minds Symposium with him where he will reveal an invention that he has not revealed to the speaker all summer. At the Symposium, they encounter Dr. Canning’s rival Dr. Malstein, who is married to Canning’s ex-lover Ephedra. Canning takes a verbal beating from Malstein before Ephedra steps in and puts a stop to it, greeting Canning warmly and kissing his forehead. This incident leads to Dr. Canning destroying the invention, which is never revealed. The inner story is about the intern developing a relationship with Dr. Canning and eventually discovering that the scientist isn’t mad or evil at all, simply a scientist who makes mistakes and accidentally harms people.
There is a wonderful comic quality to this story. Everything seems so humorously blown out of proportion and is so marvelously creative. I love the names – Dr. Canning, Macaulay, and the “Great Minds Symposium”. To me, it’s right out of a comic book. There’s also a funny irony to the story in that in the midst of all this craziness, the speaker seems really ordinary, interning for college credit. Dr. Canning is a great foil for this incredibly normal person. It’s also funny that this job, which one would think would be fascinating and full of adventure, is actually quite boring. And I like how we think Dr. Malstein is good until the end, when we realize that he’s just a jerk and a blowhard. I feel like you might have intended for this to be a sort of smart parody on certain science fiction stories, which is great.
Although I like some of the irony, your story at times becomes too contradictory – you build Dr. Canning up so much as this amazing evil genius, and then it turns out that his invention isn’t as cool as a carrot cutter. The speaker gives you the impression that the doctor is this crazy rambling man and that the two of them have a strange impersonal relationship, and the all of a sudden the speaker feels warm towards the old man and wants to defend him against Malstein. It’s hard to believe this, and makes the reader confused as to what is going on. It also makes it difficult to get into the story, as I am never given a chance to know Canning well enough to feel much for him other than intrigue. Even at the end, he still seems like this strange kind of crazy old man. Ephedra also presents some difficulties for me: we don’t know who she is or why she’s important, so when she finally appears and has this great impact on Canning, the speaker doesn’t really believe it. I also don’t understand why Canning would be happy when Ephedra walks off holding hands with his arch rival. It doesn’t make sense. At this point, you also present a whirl of information regarding Malstein and Canning and Ephedra, and it’s overwhelming for me as a reader. It also comes so late in the story, that I’m not able to apply it to anything significant. I’m also disappointed that Canning smashes his invention—it seems sudden and unfounded. The incident with Ephedra doesn’t seem enough to cause such a strong reaction. The action also doesn’t seem triumphant; it feels like he’s giving up. I’d much rather see him reveal this really interesting invention that does something good and have that be Canning’s breakthrough. Otherwise the reader isn’t left with much. You also seem to do a bit too much superfluous telling in the story…for instance – you don’t need to say“He’d quite obviously never fully recovered” because we can already see that. We can also see that his job was boring, so you don’t need to say “When it’s the same thing every day for two weeks, any job can get pretty boring.” It’s unnecessary and doesn’t add to the story…it just makes it longer and more tedious. It’s much better just to show us these things and let us understand. I suggest going back through and taking out some of these unnecessary “tellings” because you tend to do it often. The speaker’s voice also feels a little bit empty, and we don’t get to see much of him at all. I know you’re trying to make him incredibly normal in comparison to Canning, but I want him to have a personality besides him playing Tetris on his phone all the time. Plus, the mix of normalcy and fantasy (ex: man-eating zombies), I’m not sure what to think of this world. It’s obviously not this world, but it doesn’t have much tangibility. I’m curious about it – what is it like? I’m guessing it’s kind of a fun, comiclike world, but I want you to show it more. Would he be driving a white Volvo or something else. What do they drive past on the way to the symposium? What do people wear? I also feel like this guy seems like kind of a loner…does he have any friends? I’m sure he does things outside of his internship. Don’t his friends call him on the cellphone he plays games on all the time? This is such a creative story. Give us some more juicy details to latch onto.
I understood your outer story to be about Macaulay’s summer internship with Dr. Canning, a malevolent mad scientist. I understood your inner story to be about the progression in the way Macaulay perceives Dr. Canning, from evil eccentric to eccentric romantic.
You’ve created a terrific character in Dr. Canning, from his perfect dialogue (“Do be quiet, Macaulay, I’m ruminating”) to his bizarre inventions and personal history. This story has a wonderful playful quality, but also a sense of reverence, and it has to do with the simultaneous wonder, amusement, and admiration with which your narrator observes Dr. Canning. One thing I found interesting about your story is that neither of these main characters really changes over the course of the story. Instead, it is simply one character’s (and with him, the reader’s) perception of the other that changes. I love that you juxtapose such bizarre, eccentric, dramatic characters and situations with a very gentle, subtle inner story: it gives this piece a lot of heart, and keeps it from seeming pointlessly bizarre. Instead, the bizarreness seems natural and wonderful, and the story is sweet, compelling, and extremely entertaining.
As much as I love the character of Dr. Canning, I think that there are some choices you make about his character that you either need to commit to or excise. At the moment, for example, I don’t really believe that he is, or ever was, evil. There doesn’t seem to be any rationale behind his alleged malevolence, and the stories about his evil and manipulative past seem to clash with the strange-but-charming character that comes through in the present narrative. I wonder if the malevolence is necessary at all: what if he’s just absolutely off his rocker (even crazier and more eccentric than he is now, so much so that he hardly seems functional), and then the narrator ultimately realizes that all his craziness (as opposed to his malevolence) is deliberate and motivated by love? In my opinion, that would serve your story much better. I also think you need to make more, earlier on, of his passion for Ephedra. I want the final scene to feel more climactic than it does now. I also had a hard time buying his rivalry with Malstein. It seemd like a plot device rather than something indicative of Canning’s character, and I wonder if you need it at all. Is there another reason that Ephedra could be at the Symposium?
Occasionally, I felt confused by the ways this bizarre, alternative reality interacted with our own, familiar reality (this is also a problem I had with my own story, so you’re by no means alone). I think the Jimmy Carter story would be more effective if, instead of using Carter, you referenced an unnamed (or fictional) president. Other questions arose for me: is the carrot-cutting machine really so impressive? The other inventions that are mentioned in the story seem to be so much more inventive and implausible, and to have so much greater implications? The carrot-cutting invention might win a prize in our reality, but not in the reality you have created. Along those lines, I don’t know whether or not I should believe Malstein’s tirade against Canning. More importantly, I can’t tell whether the narrator believes it or not. There were other little things that seemed inconsistent (would Canning really hold an application process for a summer internship?). I’m so eager to accept the rules of this world you’ve created that I’m slightly caught off guard when the rules suddenly seem to match those of our world. These characters are exciting because they don’t look at the world in quite the same way we do.
This is a delightful story, Matty, and I can’t wait to see what else you do with it. I look forward to talking about it in class tomorrow. Great work,
The outer story here is about Macauly, a college aged summer intern, and his boss, Dr. Canning, a very traditional mad scientist who is exhibiting an invention in the Great Minds Symposium. The inner story seems to be about Canning’s struggle with Malstein on a very personal level. Canning ultimately seems interested in making some kind of connection with his old flame, Ephedra, while Macauly just wants to earn some money over the summer and get some college credit as well.
I thought this story was really fun and did a great job of juxtaposing the absurd and fantastical with the mundane. Telling the story through the eyes of a somewhat bitter college intern was great, and I liked how his voice colored all the explanations of Dr. Canning’s wacky adventures and inventions. I liked the contrast between Macauly’s very grounded world (as well as his disappointment that his duties were mostly limited to very mundane activities), and Dr. Canning’s very larger than life experiments and inventions. I really liked a lot of the details and anecdotes in this story, including the zombie fiasco, and the Jimmy Carter coup episode, which were both quite humorous and did a really good job of drawing the world, as well as suggesting a greater backstory and universe at work here.
I really liked the conflict with Malstein, which felt true to the trope of mad scientists (of course he’d have another mad scientist as a rival), and I liked that it ultimately tied back to the mystery of Ephedra. However, I’m not sure I entirely bought the secret behind the whole affair. Would Canning really go through all that trouble just to get a glimpse of Ephedra, when it seems like there are plenty of other ways for him to pull it off? Also, would seeing her with Malstein be cathartic or just upsetting? How did he know she’d take his side once Malstein inevitably started castigating him? Was it really that satisfying for him just to catch a glimpse of her? Why? I would have liked to see a more elaborate plan on Canning’s part, perhaps involving an attempt to actually win Ephedra back, or at least to deal some kind of rebuke to Malstein. It seems like a guy as canny as Canning would have some kind of plan to respond to rival’s inevitable attempts to belittle him.
Since the story ultimately ends up revolving around Ephedra, I would have liked to have seen more of the relationship between her and Canning, and the apparent conflict that being a mad scientist created for their love. Canning doesn’t seem all that reluctant to talk about her, so maybe we could get a bit more backstory. More importantly, I thought that the underlying conflict of this story was between being evil and being an evil workaholic, and true love. Canning hints near the end of the story that his obsession with evil inventions eventually caused Ephedra to leave him for Malstein, who used his genius for ostensibly good causes. I had a hard time discerning in this story whether Canning is still trying to use his inventions to take over the world, or whether he had “reformed,” (perhaps in attempt to win Ephedra). I think this is an interesting avenue for the story to explore, and I’d like to see this played up more.
The outer story is about an college-aged kid, Macaulay, who’s interning for a mad scientist, Dr. Canning. As the story progresses, the intern finds himself more and more intrigued by Dr. Canning’s work, and the story culminates with the two going to a science convention, where Canning confronts his rival, Dr. Malstein—and also interacts with his long-lost love, Ephedra (who happens to be Malstein’s wife). The inner story is about the love-hate relationship that Macaulay has with Dr. Canning—and his ultimate realization that even mad scientists are people, and have feelings too. At first Macaulay derides Dr. Canning as pompous and self-absorbed—but the end reveals a very different side to the doctor, one that is both human and vulnerable.
I really liked the voice of the narrator, as a kind of intrigued college student. Many lines were humorous and tongue-in-cheek, and the story as a whole had a very nice tone to it. It’s very intelligent, but it’s also speculative and filled with wonder, awe and intrigue. I also enjoyed the colloquial nature to it—where Macaulay would say things like “to be honest,” or “no lie.” In the end, I believed that this narrator was a college-aged kid. There were also definite aspects to the plot that compelled me to read further (what’s the doctor’s new invention?).
I thought Dr. Canning’s dialogue was impressive—his words were imbued with pompousness and sentiments of superiority, but it’s also clear that the narrator, nor the reader, buys into everything the doctor says. There are moments of vulnerability—like when Macaulay asked if there were any pictures of Ephedra, and the doctor ignores the question and goes on a rant about how much he hates traffic.
I was a little bothered by some of the non-realistic aspects of the story—the zombies and the president Carter situation stand out the most in my mind. I just feel like the majority of this world they inhabit is a very real one, and so the aforementioned “fantasy-like” happenings seem out of place. It’s still very possible to have a mad scientist without have wacky creations—his creations can be very real, like biological weapons or something of the like, and still be considered sinister and “mad.”
I feel like there are moments where you over-explain characters’ motives or emotions; this is especially apparent at the end, when Canning explains why he went to the convention; at this point I thought that this was already apparent when he had touched the lipstick. Also, lines like “I’d spent my entire summer working with a mad scientist just so that he could have a brief reunion with his lost love without it looking forced” were too summarizing in nature and unnecessary to the story.
Overall I think you’re off to a good start. Keep up the good work.
I read the outer story of How I Spent My Summer to be about a mad scientist who goes to a Great Minds convention so he can see the woman he loves, who is the wife of his rival. I wasn’t sure what your inner story was.
I found this piece immensely readable. It was well paced and clearly written. I liked the way that you gradually revealed more and more about Dr. Canning. His quirkiness—from his British accent to his inventions—was well conveyed and compelling. I especially liked that we got it from the intern’s point of view. I think that you did a great job show the intern as bored and detached—a slacker more interested in Tetris than invention. (Though I did wonder why this job out of any other potential jobs—what does the intern want to do in the future?)
That said, I wasn’t sure how evil Dr. Canning really is. The intern implies again and again that the Doctor makes weapons and sells them to shady characters. He’s even gone so far as to threaten the President. But I never felt like I saw an evil side of Dr. Canning first hand. He doesn’t seem to mistreat the intern, and he doesn’t ever seem to confront the consequences of his evil actions. Seeing how he feels about zombies eating his assistant, vaporizing a woman’s hand, or selling arms might be a way to show that this is a man without scruples.
But some questions remain: what motivates Dr. Canning? Fame? Power? Money? Ephedra’s love? And what are the consequences of his actions? By the end of the story it seems like he is “an overrated petty tinkerer.” However, this doesn’t seem to have always been the case. If it has been, why was the world fooled before? And if something changed, when did it change and why?
The crux of this story seems to be about Dr. Canning’s love for Ephedra. If so, I wanted to see how she is motivating his actions. I also wanted more back story about their relationship. The convention didn’t quite feel like a climax—I think something more has to develop between Malstein, Ephedra, and Canning, observed by the intern, that changes the dynamic of their relationship.
I really enjoyed reading about this world and like the narrative quality of the piece,
Matty: The outer story is about the narrator’s summer interning for a mad scientist. The inner story is discovering that the madman’s objective all along has nothing to do with science, but rather romance. It’s never quite clear, however, what the narrator wants. He seems apathetic, his intentions distilled into “college credit.” Even after Dr. Canning reveals all, Macaulay retains the attitude he has had since the beginning. Not only has he not really changed, I don’t even see the story affecting him at all, which consequently makes it more difficult for the story to affect the reader.
I’m not sure with what tone I’m supposed to read this piece. At times, I find the language comical and satirical. The repeated references to villains and madman, or the over-the-top dialogue, for example. At times, I just accepted this as another world, because while the narrator does not seem thrilled with his employer, he does not seem to think it bizarre to call him a mad scientist (or to perceive his work as “serving evil.”) Because I had such a hard time figuring out what in this piece was ironic and what was not, I was never sure from where to pull the emotional weight. I almost felt like I was reading a comic book, so that nothing was truly ever at stake, and everything was resolved before any real doubt entered my mind. Much like the narrator, I had a difficult time mustering up attachment.
I’m curious as to what you want to achieve with this story. I could say that by having Dr. Canning reveal everything at the end feels a little cheap of a resolution, but I’m not sure you want emotional realism. I guess this comes back to whom your intended reader is. On page 4, when the narrator writes, “No lie,” who is he concerned will not believe him? Perhaps if we had more introspection on the narrator’s part, the story would become more complex. In fact, who is the narrator beyond this summer internship? Do we have any idea?
12 comments:
Matty,
The outer story is about an intern accompanying his scientist boss to a convention, only to find out that their new invention was a ruse to casually encounter Mr. Canning’s long lost love. The inner story of this piece is understanding the innerworkings of Mr. Canning’s mind, and watching his transform from an evil madman to a sensitive romantic.
This piece is very charming and funny, and Macaulay has a charisma and a voice all his own. I love how he notes, “The unpredictable nature of Dr. Canning’s desire for vocal response was one of the few things that kept my work with him interesting” (1). Not only is this funny, but reveals so much about Mr. Canning’s volatile nature and Macaulay’s calm and humorous attitude. I also enjoyed Mr. Canning’s ostrich egg of a bald spot, the explanation of his reputation as a villainous madman, and Canning’s anger over the misspelling of his name on the science convention sign. These details are wonderful, almost always very funny, and add a richness to your dynamic duo.
I had a hard time understanding the world this duo inhabits, however. At the beginning, I accept that Mr. Canning has actually done all these crazy, villainous, insane and out-of-this-world feats, such as creating Zombies, walking sharks, ocean-boilers and vaporizers. However, after Mr. Malstein describes Mr. Canning as an over-rated tinker, as a reader I am no longer sure what is the truth. By the end of your story, I no longer think Mr. Canning is evil, but was his water-heater meant for a jacuzzi or the ocean? And if was just for the ocean, then why did Carter give in to Mr. Canning’s demands? Who do I believe? More importantly, is this world really different from ours at all, or has Macaulay used his imagination to blow all of Canning’s work out of proportion? I think the world is scewed, everyone seems to agree that walking sharks did actually invade, but I then become confused as to Canning’s intentions. If he isn’t evil, then why did he make the sharks?
This story is about the interaction and understanding between Macaulay and Canning, and I think I need to see Macaulay reflect more on his boss. He is sure he is evil in the beginning, but as he starts to learn from Malstein of Canning’s mistakes and blunders as a scientist, I wanted to see Macaulay react. Is Macaulay completely surprised by this news? Does he not believe the news? Does the news match the Canning that Macaulay has been watching for the past three months? Perhaps Macaulay has been imagining Canning in a hyberbolic way all this while, and the reality of Canning’s ordinary life comes as a shock. Whatever you choose, I felt that I wanted to more fully understand how Macaulay interpreted this scene.
I enjoy the end of your story, but I don’t think that you need to spell out Canning’s motives. The second Canning speaks to Ephedra and then walks out of the convention, I understand that was his purpose in coming. For me, Macaulay’s questions and then closing summary take away from the power of this scene Maybe show us Macaulay’s shock, or just let us watch Canning rub the lipstick mark, and that will be enough.
Best of luck with revisions, Katie
Dear Matty,
The story “How I Spent My Summer” is about a college student who interns for a evil inventor Dr. Canning and accompanies him to an inventors’ convention, only to find out that the invention Canning brought was solely a scheme for him to see his old love. To me, the internal story was about humanizing an easily pigeonholed evil inventor. While he would usually be seen as a terrible monster, this story seeks to show that he also has a sensitive side.
I loved how imaginative this story was. It combined a truly fairy-tale-like world (zombies, mad scientists) with the real world (with details like college credit and President Carter) in a whimsical and amusing way. As a reader, I wanted to keep reading to find out what would happen next and what the crazy invention would be. It was funny to hear about the crazy things the inventor had done, like vaporize someone’s hand, and hijack the presidency only to back down out of cowardice. And it was funny to hear it all through the voice of the normal-seeming narrator.
Another great aspect of the story was the characterization of Dr. Canning. His arrogance and condescension towards the narrator contrasts with his defeated conversation with Malstein at the convention, showing how he is the king in his own world, but in the larger context of the world is a sad, little man. He is interesting in how he is unpredictable about when he wants the narrator to respond, in how he needs to tell and re-tell his successes in a distorted fashion. And he is interesting in that he creates an entirely fake invention for three months, and does it solely to see a woman he loves, even for just a minute.
As you mentioned in your charming header, there are many things that need to be developed in the story, but it is a great start. First of all, there are some things that need to be clarified/explained a bit more. I wonder why the President would grant Dr. Canning amnesty, and the government would leave him alone his whole life to develop weapons of possibly mass destruction; I wonder why the narrator has absolutely no other summer options – are these the only jobs available in this world? Is he interested in being an inventor himself? And if so, why wouldn’t he try to be more involved in the invention process, enough to know what he’s helping invent? I also wonder if anything ever happened between Dr. Canning and Ephedra.
Another thing that could be developed is the scene at the convention. While we do get a lot of important information about what has happened in the past, and what a fraud Dr. Canning is, it seems a little too contrived. Malstein calls him out, and Dr. Canning barely even fights back. While I like that Dr. Canning is put in his place, I have trouble believing that he just takes it without any comebacks or defense. Have they not seen each other in ten years? And why is Malstein so malicious towards him? Why does he feel the need to embarrass him in front of all these people? I think you could rework this scene to make the climax of their rivalry more realistic.
Overall, I admire your use of whimsy and fun to make an interesting story! Good work!
-Annie Jonas
Matty,
The outer story of “How I Spent My Summer” was about Macaulay’s internship with Dr. Canning, an unsuccessful mad scientist. He spends the summer believing that the doctor is an evil genius, however, when they go to the big science convention, it turns out the Dr. Canning is actually quite a hack, his rival is married to the woman of his dreams and his entire project, which he had spent the entire summer working on, was a great big ruse to enable Dr. Canning to see the love of his life without it seeming contrived. I read the inner story as Macaulay’s realization that everything is not always as it seems. After reading what happened at the science convention, Macaulay seems naïve and easily duped. I think that throughout the story Macaulay just wanted Dr. Canning to respect him, despite the fact that on many levels, he seemed know that Dr. Canning was not credible.
I thought that the character of Dr. Canning was very well done. I found myself intrigued by him and liking his eccentricities. The first paragraph of the story sets up the relationship between Macaulay and Dr. Canning quite well. We learn that Dr. Canning gives long speeches every day, many of which are repeats. When Dr. Canning says “Do be quiet, Macaulay. I’m ruminating”. I felt like I already knew exactly who this character was. He stayed vivid and consistent throughout the story and I didn’t like seeing the shell of a man he turned into when his rival began berating him. I was not able to get such a vivid sense of the narrator. Throughout the story, he seems to recognize that Dr. Canning’s operation is not very legitimate and that he is not the scientist that he claims to be. However, at the same time he still seeks his approval. Even thought the story is a first-person narrative, one would have a hard time making the case that the narrator is the protagonist. He is basically a set of eyes that casts judgments, but he never gets any action. Even in the end, he admits that he hasn’t really changed and nothing really mattered. I wanted to see him more involved.
I was also unclear on exactly what kind of world we were dealing with in this story. Throughout the first half of the story I was buying it completely, we were in an alternate reality in which mad scientists were possible and the idea that one could hold Jimmy Carter up for the presidency was plausible. However, as the story went on and it became apparent that Dr. Canning was essentially a nobody, I started to question the rules of the world. It was as if we were still being led to believe that we were in an alternate reality, but one in which the president is willing to give up the presidency without even asking any questions. At this point I didn’t really buy it anymore. In all I felt like the first half of the story was very strong, but that things stopped making quite as much sense in the second half. However, the first half is more than enough to build a very interesting story off of, and Dr. Canning is great.
Dear Matty,
“How I Spent My Summer” is a story about a college student named Macaulay (hehe) who is interning for a mad scientist, Dr. Canning. Dr. Canning attends the GMS for the first time in ten years and Macaulay is finally getting ready to figure out what he’s been doing this entire summer, but it turns out that Dr. Canning’s only real desire is to see his long-lost love, Ephedra (again, great name). On a deeper level, it is about how true love can be the craziest thing in a person’s life, even if that person is a “mad scientist.”
I really enjoyed the comic and witty tone of your story. That very first paragraph of dialogue set the tone of this different world right away and that tone remained consistent throughout the story. I liked the first-person narrator, Macaulay, very much also. He has a great voice (“I know serving evil isn’t exactly the Red Cross as far as a moral compass goes, but at least I was being productive. Plus, college credit”) and I loved his descriptions of Dr. Canning. One thing, though, that I wondered about Macaulay was how exactly he changed in the story. He is an awesome narrator and I can see how his perceptions of Dr. Canning changed (from not thinking too much of him at all to defending him at the GMS and so forth) but I think it could be developed a little more. For instance, I think the climax of the story is definitely Ephedra’s entrance but I don’t actually know how the narrator feels about this, and while that last paragraph of your story was in some ways very appropriate, I think I wanted just a little bit more of Macaulay as a character and not just a narrator.
Speaking about Ephedra, I really loved the cuteness of their romance and how touched Dr. Canning was (“With one finger he gently touched the small amount of lipstick,” nice detail), so I wanted to see more of her when she appears in the flesh. I think that climatic moment could be slowed down a little more. “Strikingly beautiful” doesn’t really do Ephedra justice, I think. Also, while I totally buy into the power of true love, I did wonder just a little about why there wasn’t more bitterness on Dr. Canning’s part. His rival, who he has complained about every day for the past three months, is married to the woman he loves—those are the circumstances of great drama and maybe this is just me, but I wanted more of this narrative arc and less of the rivalry. For instance, when Malstein was humiliating Dr. Canning at the GMS, I just found myself getting really confused—is Dr. Canning a great scientist, a real villain, or just misunderstood? I liked Dr. Canning’s character a great deal more in the first half of the story—the way he monologues in front of the one window in the lab, the way he talks to Macaulay (“I realize that until now I may have been somewhat secretive”) and their interactions in general, and also that moment on the bottom of page six where he talks about his career (“he wasn’t just evil”). Dr. Canning is an awesome character and I would have liked to see more bravado on his part when dealing with Malstein, especially if he’s just there to see Ephedra, anyway; then what does he have to lose by fighting back when Malstein talks down to him?
“How I Spent My Summer” is a really funny read and I enjoyed it very much. You have a great sense of humor and voice. Your story has a great amount of plot and movement; I think it’s just a matter of picking the threads that are most important to you (the Macaulay-Canning interaction, the Canning-Malstein rivalry, the Ephedra-Canning romance, the Canning-science community conflict, and so forth) and bringing them out more and maybe dropping others. Great draft!
Jessamyn
Matty,
I thought you did yourself a disservice with the disclaimer. This story was about an intern with a mad scientist. It was about the way that even a slightly bumbling evil genius, hell-bent on world domination can have a softer side.
I like the way that this story takes everything for granted. The narrator lives in a world of zombies, death rays and land sharks and doesn’t think too much about it. He works for a terrorist (I think for no pay) but is only concerned about getting college credits. This shrugging off of the all the eccentricity around him is the source for a lot of the humor.
Since I find out at the end that everything was about Ephedra, I question why she is not more of central figure in the first ten or so pages. She is shown, but not built up. I was really frustrated at not knowing what the device did at the end and the kiss on the forehead did not sate me as it did Dr. Canning. I thought that more could be made out of the scene where Mac goes into the Dr.’s study. There could be more that shows his history with Ephedra here. Also the boy could relate a little more of what the professor has told him in the past about her.
The last scene left me really frustrated. As before stated, I want to know what the professor has been working on. I thought it would be really funny and ironic if the machine produced “anti-cancer”radiation or something immensely beneficial to humanity and then he just smashed it. As it is now, the ending doesn’t seem to fit with the rest of the story. It is too nice and sentimental in a story that is all about humor and irony.
I wanted to see more of Canning’s reactions to Malstein while he is being berated. I thought it might be interesting to show Ephedra before this starts. Then maybe he is just standing there, glowing while Malstein roasts him. His wheezing was ok, but I thought that he could do something more entertaining. Does he have a really weird nervous habit that the narrator has seen him do once or twice before?
I thought that the car ride scene to the convention was unnecessary and could be cut. This wouldn’t hurt the story and it would cut out what seems to me just drag time.
A very funny draft and not that shockingly rough. Thank you
Mike
Matty:
The outer story is about an guy who spends his summer interning for “mad scientist” Dr. Canning and eventually is asked to go to the Great Minds Symposium with him where he will reveal an invention that he has not revealed to the speaker all summer. At the Symposium, they encounter Dr. Canning’s rival Dr. Malstein, who is married to Canning’s ex-lover Ephedra. Canning takes a verbal beating from Malstein before Ephedra steps in and puts a stop to it, greeting Canning warmly and kissing his forehead. This incident leads to Dr. Canning destroying the invention, which is never revealed. The inner story is about the intern developing a relationship with Dr. Canning and eventually discovering that the scientist isn’t mad or evil at all, simply a scientist who makes mistakes and accidentally harms people.
There is a wonderful comic quality to this story. Everything seems so humorously blown out of proportion and is so marvelously creative. I love the names – Dr. Canning, Macaulay, and the “Great Minds Symposium”. To me, it’s right out of a comic book. There’s also a funny irony to the story in that in the midst of all this craziness, the speaker seems really ordinary, interning for college credit. Dr. Canning is a great foil for this incredibly normal person. It’s also funny that this job, which one would think would be fascinating and full of adventure, is actually quite boring. And I like how we think Dr. Malstein is good until the end, when we realize that he’s just a jerk and a blowhard. I feel like you might have intended for this to be a sort of smart parody on certain science fiction stories, which is great.
Although I like some of the irony, your story at times becomes too contradictory – you build Dr. Canning up so much as this amazing evil genius, and then it turns out that his invention isn’t as cool as a carrot cutter. The speaker gives you the impression that the doctor is this crazy rambling man and that the two of them have a strange impersonal relationship, and the all of a sudden the speaker feels warm towards the old man and wants to defend him against Malstein. It’s hard to believe this, and makes the reader confused as to what is going on. It also makes it difficult to get into the story, as I am never given a chance to know Canning well enough to feel much for him other than intrigue. Even at the end, he still seems like this strange kind of crazy old man. Ephedra also presents some difficulties for me: we don’t know who she is or why she’s important, so when she finally appears and has this great impact on Canning, the speaker doesn’t really believe it. I also don’t understand why Canning would be happy when Ephedra walks off holding hands with his arch rival. It doesn’t make sense. At this point, you also present a whirl of information regarding Malstein and Canning and Ephedra, and it’s overwhelming for me as a reader. It also comes so late in the story, that I’m not able to apply it to anything significant. I’m also disappointed that Canning smashes his invention—it seems sudden and unfounded. The incident with Ephedra doesn’t seem enough to cause such a strong reaction. The action also doesn’t seem triumphant; it feels like he’s giving up. I’d much rather see him reveal this really interesting invention that does something good and have that be Canning’s breakthrough. Otherwise the reader isn’t left with much. You also seem to do a bit too much superfluous telling in the story…for instance – you don’t need to say“He’d quite obviously never fully recovered” because we can already see that. We can also see that his job was boring, so you don’t need to say “When it’s the same thing every day for two weeks, any job can get pretty boring.” It’s unnecessary and doesn’t add to the story…it just makes it longer and more tedious. It’s much better just to show us these things and let us understand. I suggest going back through and taking out some of these unnecessary “tellings” because you tend to do it often. The speaker’s voice also feels a little bit empty, and we don’t get to see much of him at all. I know you’re trying to make him incredibly normal in comparison to Canning, but I want him to have a personality besides him playing Tetris on his phone all the time. Plus, the mix of normalcy and fantasy (ex: man-eating zombies), I’m not sure what to think of this world. It’s obviously not this world, but it doesn’t have much tangibility. I’m curious about it – what is it like? I’m guessing it’s kind of a fun, comiclike world, but I want you to show it more. Would he be driving a white Volvo or something else. What do they drive past on the way to the symposium? What do people wear? I also feel like this guy seems like kind of a loner…does he have any friends? I’m sure he does things outside of his internship. Don’t his friends call him on the cellphone he plays games on all the time? This is such a creative story. Give us some more juicy details to latch onto.
Totally creative and unique, fun draft. Good job!
-Brodie
Dear Matty,
I understood your outer story to be about Macaulay’s summer internship with Dr. Canning, a malevolent mad scientist. I understood your inner story to be about the progression in the way Macaulay perceives Dr. Canning, from evil eccentric to eccentric romantic.
You’ve created a terrific character in Dr. Canning, from his perfect dialogue (“Do be quiet, Macaulay, I’m ruminating”) to his bizarre inventions and personal history. This story has a wonderful playful quality, but also a sense of reverence, and it has to do with the simultaneous wonder, amusement, and admiration with which your narrator observes Dr. Canning. One thing I found interesting about your story is that neither of these main characters really changes over the course of the story. Instead, it is simply one character’s (and with him, the reader’s) perception of the other that changes. I love that you juxtapose such bizarre, eccentric, dramatic characters and situations with a very gentle, subtle inner story: it gives this piece a lot of heart, and keeps it from seeming pointlessly bizarre. Instead, the bizarreness seems natural and wonderful, and the story is sweet, compelling, and extremely entertaining.
As much as I love the character of Dr. Canning, I think that there are some choices you make about his character that you either need to commit to or excise. At the moment, for example, I don’t really believe that he is, or ever was, evil. There doesn’t seem to be any rationale behind his alleged malevolence, and the stories about his evil and manipulative past seem to clash with the strange-but-charming character that comes through in the present narrative. I wonder if the malevolence is necessary at all: what if he’s just absolutely off his rocker (even crazier and more eccentric than he is now, so much so that he hardly seems functional), and then the narrator ultimately realizes that all his craziness (as opposed to his malevolence) is deliberate and motivated by love? In my opinion, that would serve your story much better. I also think you need to make more, earlier on, of his passion for Ephedra. I want the final scene to feel more climactic than it does now. I also had a hard time buying his rivalry with Malstein. It seemd like a plot device rather than something indicative of Canning’s character, and I wonder if you need it at all. Is there another reason that Ephedra could be at the Symposium?
Occasionally, I felt confused by the ways this bizarre, alternative reality interacted with our own, familiar reality (this is also a problem I had with my own story, so you’re by no means alone). I think the Jimmy Carter story would be more effective if, instead of using Carter, you referenced an unnamed (or fictional) president. Other questions arose for me: is the carrot-cutting machine really so impressive? The other inventions that are mentioned in the story seem to be so much more inventive and implausible, and to have so much greater implications? The carrot-cutting invention might win a prize in our reality, but not in the reality you have created. Along those lines, I don’t know whether or not I should believe Malstein’s tirade against Canning. More importantly, I can’t tell whether the narrator believes it or not. There were other little things that seemed inconsistent (would Canning really hold an application process for a summer internship?). I’m so eager to accept the rules of this world you’ve created that I’m slightly caught off guard when the rules suddenly seem to match those of our world. These characters are exciting because they don’t look at the world in quite the same way we do.
This is a delightful story, Matty, and I can’t wait to see what else you do with it. I look forward to talking about it in class tomorrow. Great work,
Zach
The outer story here is about Macauly, a college aged summer intern, and his boss, Dr. Canning, a very traditional mad scientist who is exhibiting an invention in the Great Minds Symposium. The inner story seems to be about Canning’s struggle with Malstein on a very personal level. Canning ultimately seems interested in making some kind of connection with his old flame, Ephedra, while Macauly just wants to earn some money over the summer and get some college credit as well.
I thought this story was really fun and did a great job of juxtaposing the absurd and fantastical with the mundane. Telling the story through the eyes of a somewhat bitter college intern was great, and I liked how his voice colored all the explanations of Dr. Canning’s wacky adventures and inventions. I liked the contrast between Macauly’s very grounded world (as well as his disappointment that his duties were mostly limited to very mundane activities), and Dr. Canning’s very larger than life experiments and inventions. I really liked a lot of the details and anecdotes in this story, including the zombie fiasco, and the Jimmy Carter coup episode, which were both quite humorous and did a really good job of drawing the world, as well as suggesting a greater backstory and universe at work here.
I really liked the conflict with Malstein, which felt true to the trope of mad scientists (of course he’d have another mad scientist as a rival), and I liked that it ultimately tied back to the mystery of Ephedra. However, I’m not sure I entirely bought the secret behind the whole affair. Would Canning really go through all that trouble just to get a glimpse of Ephedra, when it seems like there are plenty of other ways for him to pull it off? Also, would seeing her with Malstein be cathartic or just upsetting? How did he know she’d take his side once Malstein inevitably started castigating him? Was it really that satisfying for him just to catch a glimpse of her? Why? I would have liked to see a more elaborate plan on Canning’s part, perhaps involving an attempt to actually win Ephedra back, or at least to deal some kind of rebuke to Malstein. It seems like a guy as canny as Canning would have some kind of plan to respond to rival’s inevitable attempts to belittle him.
Since the story ultimately ends up revolving around Ephedra, I would have liked to have seen more of the relationship between her and Canning, and the apparent conflict that being a mad scientist created for their love. Canning doesn’t seem all that reluctant to talk about her, so maybe we could get a bit more backstory. More importantly, I thought that the underlying conflict of this story was between being evil and being an evil workaholic, and true love. Canning hints near the end of the story that his obsession with evil inventions eventually caused Ephedra to leave him for Malstein, who used his genius for ostensibly good causes. I had a hard time discerning in this story whether Canning is still trying to use his inventions to take over the world, or whether he had “reformed,” (perhaps in attempt to win Ephedra). I think this is an interesting avenue for the story to explore, and I’d like to see this played up more.
Matty,
The outer story is about an college-aged kid, Macaulay, who’s interning for a mad scientist, Dr. Canning. As the story progresses, the intern finds himself more and more intrigued by Dr. Canning’s work, and the story culminates with the two going to a science convention, where Canning confronts his rival, Dr. Malstein—and also interacts with his long-lost love, Ephedra (who happens to be Malstein’s wife). The inner story is about the love-hate relationship that Macaulay has with Dr. Canning—and his ultimate realization that even mad scientists are people, and have feelings too. At first Macaulay derides Dr. Canning as pompous and self-absorbed—but the end reveals a very different side to the doctor, one that is both human and vulnerable.
I really liked the voice of the narrator, as a kind of intrigued college student. Many lines were humorous and tongue-in-cheek, and the story as a whole had a very nice tone to it. It’s very intelligent, but it’s also speculative and filled with wonder, awe and intrigue. I also enjoyed the colloquial nature to it—where Macaulay would say things like “to be honest,” or “no lie.” In the end, I believed that this narrator was a college-aged kid. There were also definite aspects to the plot that compelled me to read further (what’s the doctor’s new invention?).
I thought Dr. Canning’s dialogue was impressive—his words were imbued with pompousness and sentiments of superiority, but it’s also clear that the narrator, nor the reader, buys into everything the doctor says. There are moments of vulnerability—like when Macaulay asked if there were any pictures of Ephedra, and the doctor ignores the question and goes on a rant about how much he hates traffic.
I was a little bothered by some of the non-realistic aspects of the story—the zombies and the president Carter situation stand out the most in my mind. I just feel like the majority of this world they inhabit is a very real one, and so the aforementioned “fantasy-like” happenings seem out of place. It’s still very possible to have a mad scientist without have wacky creations—his creations can be very real, like biological weapons or something of the like, and still be considered sinister and “mad.”
I feel like there are moments where you over-explain characters’ motives or emotions; this is especially apparent at the end, when Canning explains why he went to the convention; at this point I thought that this was already apparent when he had touched the lipstick. Also, lines like “I’d spent my entire summer working with a mad scientist just so that he could have a brief reunion with his lost love without it looking forced” were too summarizing in nature and unnecessary to the story.
Overall I think you’re off to a good start. Keep up the good work.
-Nick
Dear Matty,
I read the outer story of How I Spent My Summer to be about a mad scientist who goes to a Great Minds convention so he can see the woman he loves, who is the wife of his rival. I wasn’t sure what your inner story was.
I found this piece immensely readable. It was well paced and clearly written. I liked the way that you gradually revealed more and more about Dr. Canning. His quirkiness—from his British accent to his inventions—was well conveyed and compelling. I especially liked that we got it from the intern’s point of view. I think that you did a great job show the intern as bored and detached—a slacker more interested in Tetris than invention. (Though I did wonder why this job out of any other potential jobs—what does the intern want to do in the future?)
That said, I wasn’t sure how evil Dr. Canning really is. The intern implies again and again that the Doctor makes weapons and sells them to shady characters. He’s even gone so far as to threaten the President. But I never felt like I saw an evil side of Dr. Canning first hand. He doesn’t seem to mistreat the intern, and he doesn’t ever seem to confront the consequences of his evil actions. Seeing how he feels about zombies eating his assistant, vaporizing a woman’s hand, or selling arms might be a way to show that this is a man without scruples.
But some questions remain: what motivates Dr. Canning? Fame? Power? Money? Ephedra’s love? And what are the consequences of his actions? By the end of the story it seems like he is “an overrated petty tinkerer.” However, this doesn’t seem to have always been the case. If it has been, why was the world fooled before? And if something changed, when did it change and why?
The crux of this story seems to be about Dr. Canning’s love for Ephedra. If so, I wanted to see how she is motivating his actions. I also wanted more back story about their relationship. The convention didn’t quite feel like a climax—I think something more has to develop between Malstein, Ephedra, and Canning, observed by the intern, that changes the dynamic of their relationship.
I really enjoyed reading about this world and like the narrative quality of the piece,
James
Matty:
The outer story is about the narrator’s summer interning for a mad scientist. The inner story is discovering that the madman’s objective all along has nothing to do with science, but rather romance. It’s never quite clear, however, what the narrator wants. He seems apathetic, his intentions distilled into “college credit.” Even after Dr. Canning reveals all, Macaulay retains the attitude he has had since the beginning. Not only has he not really changed, I don’t even see the story affecting him at all, which consequently makes it more difficult for the story to affect the reader.
I’m not sure with what tone I’m supposed to read this piece. At times, I find the language comical and satirical. The repeated references to villains and madman, or the over-the-top dialogue, for example. At times, I just accepted this as another world, because while the narrator does not seem thrilled with his employer, he does not seem to think it bizarre to call him a mad scientist (or to perceive his work as “serving evil.”) Because I had such a hard time figuring out what in this piece was ironic and what was not, I was never sure from where to pull the emotional weight. I almost felt like I was reading a comic book, so that nothing was truly ever at stake, and everything was resolved before any real doubt entered my mind. Much like the narrator, I had a difficult time mustering up attachment.
I’m curious as to what you want to achieve with this story. I could say that by having Dr. Canning reveal everything at the end feels a little cheap of a resolution, but I’m not sure you want emotional realism. I guess this comes back to whom your intended reader is. On page 4, when the narrator writes, “No lie,” who is he concerned will not believe him? Perhaps if we had more introspection on the narrator’s part, the story would become more complex. In fact, who is the narrator beyond this summer internship? Do we have any idea?
-Michelle
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