I really adored your story, “Sisters.” The outer story was simple enough: a mother tells her two daughters that at fifty, she wants to adopt a child. The inner story was the complex turns of Lily’s reactions, her memories of her and Violet’s own tumultuous relationship: the jealousy, the quiet adoration of the younger sister, the perhaps undeserved loyalty. All of these things shift around in her head and give the climatic point of the story, when she finally gives her reaction, a real resonance. Both in terms of the present story and her memories, Lily changes from a selfish sister who does not want to be there for her family to one who is generous with the affection of her mother and ready to be a good sister.
What impressed me most about your story was the structure. It’s flawless really. Simple, clean-cut flashbacks delineated with the asterisks. As the present conversation with her mother moves forward in time so do Lily’s memories. As the present conversation gets more complicated so do Lily’s memories—from the pure jealousy of a four-year-old to my favorite scene which shows Lily’s anger but also Violet’s admiration to Violet rescuing her abandoned sister. I really admired the shifting balance of emotions in each of these scenes and how Lily offers them to the reader without comment on how they have affected Lily and Violet’s current relationship. (Her commentary is her response to her mother’s proposition.) I loved the way you threaded certain elements throughout the story—your use of the gum wrapper in the conversation was inspired and I appreciated the way that the minor character of Amy showed up in all the scenarios, past and present. Small things, but they added a lot in terms of how complete and polished the story felt. A beautifully crafted piece, congratulations.
I think you have a great sense of detail. Again, the recurring descriptions of the gum wrapper were just awesome for the structure, but they really helped to set the mood as well. Lily’s folding, unfolding, and re-folding suggests her impatience, her absorption with things outside her family. There are other points in the story where I think a detailed description of actions or an object could add more to what you already have written. For instance, when Lily “sees that something has changed in Violet’s face,” what exactly does she see—a faded smile, an open mouth? Similarly, when Lily has “never seen her mother look so vulnerable,” show me what that vulnerability looks like—does she seem smaller in the plush chair, is she painfully hopeful? I also felt like the car-party-drunk flashback could have been slowed down a little more as well. When Lily is waiting, I want to be able to feel her desperation climb as she sits on the concrete. I want to see her jump at any sign of headlights. So that when Violet finally comes, the moment in the car has more weight.
The third-person point of view was really important in this story. I felt like it would have risked sappiness or melodrama had it been in first-person. As it is now, “Sisters” feels sweet and heartfelt—it’s lovely. There is one point, however, where it slips out of Lily’s head and that’s on the top of page 8: “Violet pulled on a sweatshirt, grabbed her driver’s permit, and snuck…” All the information in this sentence is essential, the sneaking out, the new driver part, but it needs to come out in Lily’s thoughts or in the actual dialogue.
As you can probably tell from the small, petty things really, that I’ve pointed out, I loved your story. I think this is an excellent draft and I liked “Sisters” more with each reading. Other than wanting to see some things in more detail, there’s nothing I would change. Thank you for sharing.
Annie: The outer story is how Lily has dealt with adjusting to a younger sister and the revelation that their mother is considering adopting another child. This is done quite well, since the first part of the outer story is told in back story while the second part is present (almost future?) The inner story is Lily coming to terms with not feeling as loved by her parents, but realizing the emergence of a new dependence: that of her sister, Violet. Lily seems to be reaching out for the reassurance of familial love. She initially believes she will find this with her parents, but discovers it elsewhere.
Your incorporation of back-story into the present narrative is really seamless. You establish time and scene clearly, but also concisely, so that it does not disrupt the flow of your language (ie: “She was only four, and she…”) You have a pretty clear arc to your story developed here, and as a result if I were you I would focus on elaboration for revision. You begin with some great details (“Africa-shaped stain”), but I felt like they sort of petered out by the end. I would love to have more of my senses stimulated, especially in the back-story. You seem to focus on your environment quite successfully in the present narrative, but focus more on plot in flashbacks.
The most interesting part of this story for me was when Violet picked Lily up from the party. Up until this point, the story feels very archetypal. I’d imagine most older siblings have stories just like Lily’s stories. It becomes more complex, however, when Lily is in the vulnerable position. I would shift the proportion of your piece to be heavier on the later development, and lighter on the baby jealousy. I think you could provide even a single flashback of the early years, and it would convey everything we need to know. It can be pretty limiting to have the majority of your story take place when the narrator is four and her foil a newborn (or 9, 5, etc.) In addition, by shifting the amount of time you spend on each “era,” I think you might make the final revelation feel a little more natural.
Dear Annie, I read the outer story of Sisters to be about Lily and Violent learning that their parents are going to adopt a baby boy. I read the inner story to be about Lily realizing that she has been selfish as a sister and a daughter, and about her learning to change and appreciate change. I think that Lily wants attention, and to feel that her parents love her as much as they love Violet. I really like the way that you’ve structured the story. Your scenes each feel like they drive the story forward and serve a distinct purpose: this is how Violet comes into Lily’s life, this is how Violet takes attention away from Lily, this is how Violet helps Lily. Each scene helped me understand a different part of their relationship, and it made the switch in Lily’s opinion on siblings meaningful by the end. I like that you show rather than tell—I felt that I learned a lot about Lily and Violet and their parents by observing their actions. I especially liked that they were not completely good or bad—we see the world filtered through Lily’s point of view, heavy with her resentment—and yet we also get to see that Violet is a nice person. Violet hurts herself, ruining Lily’s party, but she does so while trying to give Lily a gift; later, it’s Violet who comes and picks Lily up from the party gone awry. I really enjoyed learning about the characters in this way. You might want to provide some more descriptors, however, that give us a sense of what Violet and Lily are like as individuals. Although their relationship is very well developed, I feel like I don’t have a good sense for each of them on their own—some details about their interests and current activities (what they do normally, outside of the conversation with mom and dad) would have been helpful here. The use of the present tense to open the story, and to narrate the unfolding events, was an interesting one. Paired with the third person it felt very detached, though at times the voice did move into close third person. I would play with the past tense and see if that makes the piece stronger—it might, though it may change the tone from what you wanted it to be. I thought that your ending sold the rest of your piece short. I thought that the crux of the story was about the evolution of two sisters’ relationship (and in the background, about their changing relationship with their parents), and whether the baby is a boy or girl doesn’t seem to matter so much. I wanted to see more of Violet’s reaction at the end, but I also think that you advanced the story far enough that it could have ended as it was. I felt that I got a great sense of Lily’s evolution as a person. You’ve got some great, great lines—I especially like the line about Lily’s wanting to roll more than her eyes, and the image of Mother brushing Lily off “like one of the flies that infested their kitchen cabinets,” and that language also kept me really engaged with the draft. Thanks for sharing, and I hope I get to revisit Lily and Violet and learn more about them in another version! James
I think the outer story here is about Lily’s coming home from school and her mother’s revelation about her decision to adopt another child. The inner story is about Lily’s coming to terms with her own relationship with Violet through a series of short scenes from her own childhood. I think what Lily wants is a relationship with her sister, as well as her parents, without the conflict that seems to characterize her early childhood.
I thought the relationship between Lily and Violet was fantastic. You did a great job of capturing the jealousy and fears of an older sister who suddenly feels displaced by the arrival of a younger sibling. Each of the vignettes you chose to present to us did a great job of showing us something about the relationship, as well as getting across the change over time. There were wonderfully observed details in each that got across Lily’s emotions and felt true to her character, who is at a different age in each. Her mom’s failure to put the bananas in Lily’s peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches was great. I also really enjoyed the birthday party scene, and the idea of Violet inadvertently and innocently ruining Lily’s party (in fact through trying to be nice to Lily) was a good, poignant observation of their relationship. That Violent and Lily relate to one another in a different way in each scene was excellent as well, showing us the change in their relationship from before Violet was even born, childhood, and then adolescence, when in some respect Violet ends up taking care of Lily.
Although I really loved the relationship between Violet and Lily, I was a bit less sold on the frame story for this piece, which I felt distracted somewhat from the heart of the story, which I feel is definitely between Violet and Lily. The frame story has an arc of its own, or at least a revelation, but this part of the story didn’t really work for me. I thought it was quite jarring that Lily’s mother had decided to adopt another child so late in life. I realize that you can basically make anything work in a story if you develop it properly, but I didn’t feel like the development was in place in this draft. Deciding to adopt a new child when you already have two college age kids and are nearing retirement age is a pretty enormous decision, and I felt myself asking a lot of questions about the mother’s state of mind. Why is she doing this? Is she crazy? Why does the father agree to this? Do they have the money to do this? I realize this is somewhat pedantic, and these questions can all be answered in the course of the story, but doing so would, I think, detract from the focus of the story. I’m not sure the frame story necessarily needs to have a major issue or problem, so to speak, for the story to work. I think we get enough of an arc through the Lily/Violet back-story.
I’m not entirely sure a frame story even needs to exist here. You could try just telling the story through the vignettes. I did like the final progression that is signified in the final scene as Lily accepts the new sibling’s presence (and the reversal in Violet’s attitude), but I think this can be accomplished without the major revelation.
I think you have a really strong story and I’m looking forward to your revisions!
The outer story is about Lily and her sister, Violet, having a talk with their mother. Their mother breaks the news that she and their father are going to adopt a baby boy. Violet is distraught, and while Lily initially has doubts, eventually she takes the side of the mother and realizes that adopting a baby boy might not be such a bad thing. The inner story is about Lily and her past conflicts with her sister—and possibly coming to terms with the fact that she may have been too hard on her sister/immature regarding her parents’ “uneven distribution” of love.
I enjoyed the scene where Lily’s mom announces that she and dad are going to adopt a baby; you really captured it well. When, as a 17-year-old, my parents announced that they were pregnant, I had a very similar reaction: the disbelief, the anger, lines like “Do you want to be raising a toddler when you’re in your fifties? This is crazy” all struck a chord. Nice work.
In terms of your narrating style, I think it’s important that you use the third person. This allows you, during the flashbacks, to offer a more distant perspective on what’s happening. If this were in first person, it would be very difficult to go back in time to Lily’s world as a four-year-old or nine-year-old. Still, as the narrator you get inside Lily’s head as a four-year-old (“Why did that shrieky, smelly ball of skin deserve more attention than Lily?”), which is nice as well.
I think I saw the ending in a different light than some of the others. I saw Lily’s “acceptance” of the new baby as merely a way to get back at Violet—kind of like “now the tables have turned, Violet, let’s see how you like not being the youngest child.” She goes against her inclinations to protest the adoption in order to side with the mother as a way to spite Violet. This might be the wrong interpretation, but maybe part of the reason I had that interpretation was due to the fact that in the flashbacks Lily’s treatment of Violet seemed unwarranted—it wasn’t as if Violet had actively done anything to spite Lily other than exist. The stuff as a preschooler was understandable, but as the two aged and Lily consistently held a grudge against Violet—that’s what made me unsympathetic towards Lily’s character, and made her capable, in my mind, of simply agreeing with her mother to spite Violet.
Overall you’re off to a great start. Good luck with your revisions.
The outer story is Lily going home from college to talk to her mom and sister and finding out that her parents are thinking about adopting a little boy. The inner story is about Lily’s relationship with her sister and coming to terms with having a younger sibling.
I loved your attention to detail in this story, how Lily fidgets with the gum wrapper, the Africa-shaped stain, how her mom “brushed her off like one of the flies that infested their kitchen cabinets that year”. You really do a great job infiltrating the mind of a little girl. Lily’s attitude towards her sister is also believable, and I thought the last scene in which Violet picks Lily up from the party is an incredibly important and poignant scene in the story. Lily’s interactions with her parents as a child are wonderful and incredibly believable. What little dialogue you use is great in both the present and the past, especially the scene where Lily’s birthday party is cancelled. You really feel Lily’s rage and frustration, but you also understand her parents’ side. Your use of back story was also incredibly well placed and created a great basis for the front story to work off of.
One issue I had is the dynamic between Lily and Violet and the way the story resolves at the end. I wasn’t sure what you wanted to say about their relationship. In the pick-up scene, I got the sense that we were supposed to see some kind of resolve between the two sisters. Violet is helping Lily, and Lily thanks her. But we also get the sense like things are still rocky with “That was the first real compliment Lily had ever given Violet.” I want to know if the compliments continue. Do things get better? Or is Violet still the victim of Lily’s jealousy and resentment. I think showing Lily and Violet interact more could help show this. The story also seems to make it clear to us that Lily is in the wrong in her negative feelings towards her sister, with Violet’s calm demeanor and apparent sweetness. So in the end, when Violet’s upset about the adoption idea and Lily decides it’s ok, I’m confused about why Lily feels this way. Is she happy to see her sister upset? Will this new brother be kind of like Lily’s revenge? I like Violet, and still feel like Lily is ungrounded in her feelings towards her sister. I’m also not sure what her feelings towards Violet are exactly in the present. It actually seems like Lily doesn’t know her very well from the detached way in which they interact in the present scene with their mother. Did they resolve their issues? It never seems like they did. I’d also like to get more of a sense of Violet’s personality so that the point of the story is clearer.
This is an incredibly sharp draft…great writing…I’m so excited to see where you take it next!
Hey Annie, The outer story of your story was about Lily's mother telling her and her sister that she wants to adopt a child, while throughout snippets of Lily and her sister Violet's past are given. The inner story is about Lily's relationship with her sister- first the jealousy and anger she feels, which eventually turned into an acceptance and appreciation for having Violet around (seemingly why she accepts that her mother wants a baby). First off, I really loved reading your story- it was incredibly entertaining. I loved your consistent use of intricate detail- things like making a stain "Africa-shaped" and making a tape not just a tape but a Little Mermaid tape- as it really made for a descriptive, wholly fleshed out scene that I could really see taking place. The characters and their feelings and reactions were very clear without being forced upon the reader and more importantly they were really believeable without detracting from the potential appeal of the narrative. The structure of the story, especially when considering the story's end, is really the double-edged sword I saw while reading it. For the most part, I love the structure- you jump back and forth with ease, and it never becomes awkward. It was just when I was trying to figure out Lily's reaction to the announcement at the end and started trying to figure out "when" the flashbacks were happening that I got confused. It seemed to me like they could either be straight-up narrative flashbacks- just the author giving the reader some of their history- or Lily's actual reminiscence of her past with Violet. My problem was, if the former is true, then Lily seems a bit inconsistent in that she has that sort of resentful attitude throughout the "present" time and her acceptance of the brother at the end doesn't really make sense (unless she's trying to just irk Violet, which doesn't seem to go with her character, either). If it is her reminiscing, then her realizing she appreciates Violet makes her surprising reaction believable, but then her memories seem to random and specific, not too mention too long, to have in the span of time in which the "present" story takes place. Does that make sense? All in all, that little confusion aside, I thought this was a fantastic story. I may have seen the characters and the sibling rivalry before, but you made it unique and, most important, interesting. You also really effectively convey the appropriate characters' feelings at the right time. I'd be really interested in seeing how this turns out.
I read the outer story as a history of the family dynamic as it related to the decision that the family is making about whether to adopt a new child. Lilly flashes back to pivotal moments throughout their family’s history because the discussion prompts her to remember aspects of her relationship with her mother and sister. The inner story is really about Lilly’s conception of family and her relationship with her mother and sister. She reflects on how the complex relationship between her mother, her sister and herself has changed over the years. I was never able to get a handle on exactly what Lilly wanted. I thought that it may have been a better relationship with her sister, but it seems that their relationship is quite good in the present. It doesn’t seem to be a better relationship with her mother. It seems that Lilly doesn’t really know what she wants either, since she is surprised that she doesn’t object to the adoption.
Tone: I had a very hard time getting a handle on the narrative voice in this story. At times it is very distant and feels very much like an external narrator with a mind of its own. However, I couldn’t figure out who this narrator was and I did not really trust it. It editorialized quite a bit and often sounded nothing like Lilly. This was particularly apparent during the flashback scenes, in which the narrative voice is very much inside young Lilly’s head, but sounds nothing like the present version of Lilly. An example: “ ‘It’s a phase,’ her father would whisper to her mother, thinking that Lilly—with her ears vigilantly perked up even when her voice was turned to mute—couldn’t hear”. The effect is that the story seems to be told from a very distant perspective, and the editorializing voice makes me wonder what kind of lens the story is being filtered through. However, at times the voice sounds quite a bit like Lilly’s, and I think that the story is much stronger during these moments. An example on the same page as the earlier quote: “Her mother looks older, grayer, softer these days”. This sounds like Lilly and I like it much better. I want to know what Lilly thinks about what is happening, not what some faceless narrator tells me what Lilly is thinking. This would be easy to fix, as it really is just a matter of tone, making the voice sound more authentically like Lilly’s and not come through the artificial narrative filter.
Conflict: I had a hard time understanding Lilly’s motivations in this story, I think partly due to the distance of the voice. I never felt like I had access to her. I couldn’t figure out why Lilly started crying when Violet picked her up, and why she decided to finally compliment her sister. What happened over the 10 years in between the birthday incident and this incident that changed their relationship and how does it affect the present? I could see how having an improved relationship with Violet led to her being more receptive to adopting another child, but how did the relationship get to this point. Also, the fact that the child would be a boy having such a big effect on Lilly threw me for a bit of a loop at the end.
I understood your outer story to be about a college senior who returns home and learns, along with her younger sister, that her parents are planning to adopt a baby boy. I understood your inner story to be about Lily’s complicated relationship with Violet: her lifelong resentment of the younger sister, but also the understanding of their mutual dependence that has gradually dawned upon her.
You do a really wonderful job of creating a protagonist who takes her self seriously in a way that is both sympathetic and ridiculous. The stories about Lily’s constant subservience to Violet are really great: they are so real that they feel both painful and funny, and yet they are told with an exaggerated quality that strikes just the perfect melodramatic note. I like the way I can see the relationship between Lily and Violet change (and remain stagnant, in other ways) as the memories progress. You also do quite a nice job interspersing these memories with the scenes in the present. I really enjoyed the details in these scenes, about the sofa, the gum wrapper, the way Lily tunes her mother out. The opening scene, in particular, is very strong.
I did have some questions about the way these many memories of Violet still seem to bother Lily so much. It’s ridiculous that Lily, still in her twenties, does not seem to understand (for example) that it’s perfectly reasonable for her parents to cancel her birthday party when Violet cuts her foot open. I’m happy to accept this ridiculousness as the world of the story, but if that’s the case, then I want to see that ridiculousness and melodrama manifested elsewhere. The ending is so normal and expected (too much so, I think), and I can’t quite reconcile that with Lily’s previous irrationality. One thing that might help clear this up would be if I understood whose ideas the narrator is expressing. I assume that this narrative voice is recalling these memories the way current-Lily recalls them, but perhaps that’s a faulty assumption. Finally, I’d love to see the present-day narrative span more than a single conversation. These characters and this premise have so much to offer, and I really want to see more of how this drama plays out.
I think you’ve tapped into a goldmine in a lot of ways, and there’s a lot about this story that’s great already. Nice job!
10 comments:
Dear Annie,
I really adored your story, “Sisters.” The outer story was simple enough: a mother tells her two daughters that at fifty, she wants to adopt a child. The inner story was the complex turns of Lily’s reactions, her memories of her and Violet’s own tumultuous relationship: the jealousy, the quiet adoration of the younger sister, the perhaps undeserved loyalty. All of these things shift around in her head and give the climatic point of the story, when she finally gives her reaction, a real resonance. Both in terms of the present story and her memories, Lily changes from a selfish sister who does not want to be there for her family to one who is generous with the affection of her mother and ready to be a good sister.
What impressed me most about your story was the structure. It’s flawless really. Simple, clean-cut flashbacks delineated with the asterisks. As the present conversation with her mother moves forward in time so do Lily’s memories. As the present conversation gets more complicated so do Lily’s memories—from the pure jealousy of a four-year-old to my favorite scene which shows Lily’s anger but also Violet’s admiration to Violet rescuing her abandoned sister. I really admired the shifting balance of emotions in each of these scenes and how Lily offers them to the reader without comment on how they have affected Lily and Violet’s current relationship. (Her commentary is her response to her mother’s proposition.) I loved the way you threaded certain elements throughout the story—your use of the gum wrapper in the conversation was inspired and I appreciated the way that the minor character of Amy showed up in all the scenarios, past and present. Small things, but they added a lot in terms of how complete and polished the story felt. A beautifully crafted piece, congratulations.
I think you have a great sense of detail. Again, the recurring descriptions of the gum wrapper were just awesome for the structure, but they really helped to set the mood as well. Lily’s folding, unfolding, and re-folding suggests her impatience, her absorption with things outside her family. There are other points in the story where I think a detailed description of actions or an object could add more to what you already have written. For instance, when Lily “sees that something has changed in Violet’s face,” what exactly does she see—a faded smile, an open mouth? Similarly, when Lily has “never seen her mother look so vulnerable,” show me what that vulnerability looks like—does she seem smaller in the plush chair, is she painfully hopeful? I also felt like the car-party-drunk flashback could have been slowed down a little more as well. When Lily is waiting, I want to be able to feel her desperation climb as she sits on the concrete. I want to see her jump at any sign of headlights. So that when Violet finally comes, the moment in the car has more weight.
The third-person point of view was really important in this story. I felt like it would have risked sappiness or melodrama had it been in first-person. As it is now, “Sisters” feels sweet and heartfelt—it’s lovely. There is one point, however, where it slips out of Lily’s head and that’s on the top of page 8: “Violet pulled on a sweatshirt, grabbed her driver’s permit, and snuck…” All the information in this sentence is essential, the sneaking out, the new driver part, but it needs to come out in Lily’s thoughts or in the actual dialogue.
As you can probably tell from the small, petty things really, that I’ve pointed out, I loved your story. I think this is an excellent draft and I liked “Sisters” more with each reading. Other than wanting to see some things in more detail, there’s nothing I would change. Thank you for sharing.
Jessamyn
Annie:
The outer story is how Lily has dealt with adjusting to a younger sister and the revelation that their mother is considering adopting another child. This is done quite well, since the first part of the outer story is told in back story while the second part is present (almost future?) The inner story is Lily coming to terms with not feeling as loved by her parents, but realizing the emergence of a new dependence: that of her sister, Violet. Lily seems to be reaching out for the reassurance of familial love. She initially believes she will find this with her parents, but discovers it elsewhere.
Your incorporation of back-story into the present narrative is really seamless. You establish time and scene clearly, but also concisely, so that it does not disrupt the flow of your language (ie: “She was only four, and she…”) You have a pretty clear arc to your story developed here, and as a result if I were you I would focus on elaboration for revision. You begin with some great details (“Africa-shaped stain”), but I felt like they sort of petered out by the end. I would love to have more of my senses stimulated, especially in the back-story. You seem to focus on your environment quite successfully in the present narrative, but focus more on plot in flashbacks.
The most interesting part of this story for me was when Violet picked Lily up from the party. Up until this point, the story feels very archetypal. I’d imagine most older siblings have stories just like Lily’s stories. It becomes more complex, however, when Lily is in the vulnerable position. I would shift the proportion of your piece to be heavier on the later development, and lighter on the baby jealousy. I think you could provide even a single flashback of the early years, and it would convey everything we need to know. It can be pretty limiting to have the majority of your story take place when the narrator is four and her foil a newborn (or 9, 5, etc.) In addition, by shifting the amount of time you spend on each “era,” I think you might make the final revelation feel a little more natural.
-Michelle
Annie,
The outer story of this piece is a single scene where a mother tells her two biologically daughters that she is planning on adopting a boy. The inner story of this piece is show Lily has come to appreciate her sister and family.
I enjoyed your time jumps in this piece, and I think the framework of your story is not only creative, but also necessary to the story you are telling. I thought it was very Mrs. Dalloway to have the entire story occur in one scene and have all of the flashbacks inform the present one. This framework really sets up what the mother has to say and prepares the reader for the surprise.
I think that this piece has a very interesting tone. The story is about Lily, and I would say overall it is a third person close narration. However, there are interesting points where it seems the narrator is mocking Lily. Especially during the flashbacks where Lily is young and can’t understand her new role as a sister, the narration is sarcastic. For example, on page 3, the flashback ends with “The baby was simply more important that Lily was.” This is coming from Lily’s point of view, yet is clearly not the true feelings of the parents. This creates an interesting tone—it is almost as if the narrator can see the bigger picture and derides humankind for their transparent motives and clichéd feelings. I think it would be interesting to play with this god-like narrator more. Humans are disdainfully obvious and simple yet prove themselves otherwise in the end—how does the sarcastic narrator respond to this change? How does the narrator view Lily’s response to her mother’s confession?
I thought, however, that the ending was too easy. Throughout the years, Lily finally comes to appreciate her sister. When her mom wants adopt, we see how Lily has changed her mind about siblings, and understands the life lessons which her family has imparted to her. I wanted something more complex, here, something that Lily has to struggle with. I know we see Lily struggle with the difficulty of no longer being an older child, but this is something simplistic and, well, childish. Why hasn’t Violet come to appreciate the lessons that family members teach each other? Why is Violet against the adoption and Lily for it? Why do Lily’s own words surprise her? I want to understand these sisters more fully, especially when they are older and can think about each other in adult terms. Why is their bond special to Lily? And how has their bond as sisters shaped each one in a unique and meaningful way?
I think you have a really clean and well set-up story-line, and I look forward to seeing where your revisions take you.
Best,
Katie
Dear Annie,
I read the outer story of Sisters to be about Lily and Violent learning that their parents are going to adopt a baby boy. I read the inner story to be about Lily realizing that she has been selfish as a sister and a daughter, and about her learning to change and appreciate change. I think that Lily wants attention, and to feel that her parents love her as much as they love Violet.
I really like the way that you’ve structured the story. Your scenes each feel like they drive the story forward and serve a distinct purpose: this is how Violet comes into Lily’s life, this is how Violet takes attention away from Lily, this is how Violet helps Lily. Each scene helped me understand a different part of their relationship, and it made the switch in Lily’s opinion on siblings meaningful by the end.
I like that you show rather than tell—I felt that I learned a lot about Lily and Violet and their parents by observing their actions. I especially liked that they were not completely good or bad—we see the world filtered through Lily’s point of view, heavy with her resentment—and yet we also get to see that Violet is a nice person. Violet hurts herself, ruining Lily’s party, but she does so while trying to give Lily a gift; later, it’s Violet who comes and picks Lily up from the party gone awry. I really enjoyed learning about the characters in this way.
You might want to provide some more descriptors, however, that give us a sense of what Violet and Lily are like as individuals. Although their relationship is very well developed, I feel like I don’t have a good sense for each of them on their own—some details about their interests and current activities (what they do normally, outside of the conversation with mom and dad) would have been helpful here.
The use of the present tense to open the story, and to narrate the unfolding events, was an interesting one. Paired with the third person it felt very detached, though at times the voice did move into close third person. I would play with the past tense and see if that makes the piece stronger—it might, though it may change the tone from what you wanted it to be.
I thought that your ending sold the rest of your piece short. I thought that the crux of the story was about the evolution of two sisters’ relationship (and in the background, about their changing relationship with their parents), and whether the baby is a boy or girl doesn’t seem to matter so much. I wanted to see more of Violet’s reaction at the end, but I also think that you advanced the story far enough that it could have ended as it was. I felt that I got a great sense of Lily’s evolution as a person.
You’ve got some great, great lines—I especially like the line about Lily’s wanting to roll more than her eyes, and the image of Mother brushing Lily off “like one of the flies that infested their kitchen cabinets,” and that language also kept me really engaged with the draft.
Thanks for sharing, and I hope I get to revisit Lily and Violet and learn more about them in another version!
James
I think the outer story here is about Lily’s coming home from school and her mother’s revelation about her decision to adopt another child. The inner story is about Lily’s coming to terms with her own relationship with Violet through a series of short scenes from her own childhood. I think what Lily wants is a relationship with her sister, as well as her parents, without the conflict that seems to characterize her early childhood.
I thought the relationship between Lily and Violet was fantastic. You did a great job of capturing the jealousy and fears of an older sister who suddenly feels displaced by the arrival of a younger sibling. Each of the vignettes you chose to present to us did a great job of showing us something about the relationship, as well as getting across the change over time. There were wonderfully observed details in each that got across Lily’s emotions and felt true to her character, who is at a different age in each. Her mom’s failure to put the bananas in Lily’s peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches was great. I also really enjoyed the birthday party scene, and the idea of Violet inadvertently and innocently ruining Lily’s party (in fact through trying to be nice to Lily) was a good, poignant observation of their relationship. That Violent and Lily relate to one another in a different way in each scene was excellent as well, showing us the change in their relationship from before Violet was even born, childhood, and then adolescence, when in some respect Violet ends up taking care of Lily.
Although I really loved the relationship between Violet and Lily, I was a bit less sold on the frame story for this piece, which I felt distracted somewhat from the heart of the story, which I feel is definitely between Violet and Lily. The frame story has an arc of its own, or at least a revelation, but this part of the story didn’t really work for me. I thought it was quite jarring that Lily’s mother had decided to adopt another child so late in life. I realize that you can basically make anything work in a story if you develop it properly, but I didn’t feel like the development was in place in this draft. Deciding to adopt a new child when you already have two college age kids and are nearing retirement age is a pretty enormous decision, and I felt myself asking a lot of questions about the mother’s state of mind. Why is she doing this? Is she crazy? Why does the father agree to this? Do they have the money to do this? I realize this is somewhat pedantic, and these questions can all be answered in the course of the story, but doing so would, I think, detract from the focus of the story. I’m not sure the frame story necessarily needs to have a major issue or problem, so to speak, for the story to work. I think we get enough of an arc through the Lily/Violet back-story.
I’m not entirely sure a frame story even needs to exist here. You could try just telling the story through the vignettes. I did like the final progression that is signified in the final scene as Lily accepts the new sibling’s presence (and the reversal in Violet’s attitude), but I think this can be accomplished without the major revelation.
I think you have a really strong story and I’m looking forward to your revisions!
Michael Booe
Dear Annie,
The outer story is about Lily and her sister, Violet, having a talk with their mother. Their mother breaks the news that she and their father are going to adopt a baby boy. Violet is distraught, and while Lily initially has doubts, eventually she takes the side of the mother and realizes that adopting a baby boy might not be such a bad thing. The inner story is about Lily and her past conflicts with her sister—and possibly coming to terms with the fact that she may have been too hard on her sister/immature regarding her parents’ “uneven distribution” of love.
I enjoyed the scene where Lily’s mom announces that she and dad are going to adopt a baby; you really captured it well. When, as a 17-year-old, my parents announced that they were pregnant, I had a very similar reaction: the disbelief, the anger, lines like “Do you want to be raising a toddler when you’re in your fifties? This is crazy” all struck a chord. Nice work.
Sometimes I felt as though the premise of “the jealous older sibling that wants attention” was a bit too cliché, especially during the first few pages. Trying to win her parents love, feeling abandoned, I felt as though it had all been done. However, you save yourself with a nice drama happening in the present tense. The reader is compelled to continue reading right from the beginning in order to find out the reason as to why the family is sitting down having a “family talk.”
In terms of your narrating style, I think it’s important that you use the third person. This allows you, during the flashbacks, to offer a more distant perspective on what’s happening. If this were in first person, it would be very difficult to go back in time to Lily’s world as a four-year-old or nine-year-old. Still, as the narrator you get inside Lily’s head as a four-year-old (“Why did that shrieky, smelly ball of skin deserve more attention than Lily?”), which is nice as well.
I think I saw the ending in a different light than some of the others. I saw Lily’s “acceptance” of the new baby as merely a way to get back at Violet—kind of like “now the tables have turned, Violet, let’s see how you like not being the youngest child.” She goes against her inclinations to protest the adoption in order to side with the mother as a way to spite Violet. This might be the wrong interpretation, but maybe part of the reason I had that interpretation was due to the fact that in the flashbacks Lily’s treatment of Violet seemed unwarranted—it wasn’t as if Violet had actively done anything to spite Lily other than exist. The stuff as a preschooler was understandable, but as the two aged and Lily consistently held a grudge against Violet—that’s what made me unsympathetic towards Lily’s character, and made her capable, in my mind, of simply agreeing with her mother to spite Violet.
Overall you’re off to a great start. Good luck with your revisions.
-Nick
Annie:
The outer story is Lily going home from college to talk to her mom and sister and finding out that her parents are thinking about adopting a little boy. The inner story is about Lily’s relationship with her sister and coming to terms with having a younger sibling.
I loved your attention to detail in this story, how Lily fidgets with the gum wrapper, the Africa-shaped stain, how her mom “brushed her off like one of the flies that infested their kitchen cabinets that year”. You really do a great job infiltrating the mind of a little girl. Lily’s attitude towards her sister is also believable, and I thought the last scene in which Violet picks Lily up from the party is an incredibly important and poignant scene in the story. Lily’s interactions with her parents as a child are wonderful and incredibly believable. What little dialogue you use is great in both the present and the past, especially the scene where Lily’s birthday party is cancelled. You really feel Lily’s rage and frustration, but you also understand her parents’ side. Your use of back story was also incredibly well placed and created a great basis for the front story to work off of.
One issue I had is the dynamic between Lily and Violet and the way the story resolves at the end. I wasn’t sure what you wanted to say about their relationship. In the pick-up scene, I got the sense that we were supposed to see some kind of resolve between the two sisters. Violet is helping Lily, and Lily thanks her. But we also get the sense like things are still rocky with “That was the first real compliment Lily had ever given Violet.” I want to know if the compliments continue. Do things get better? Or is Violet still the victim of Lily’s jealousy and resentment. I think showing Lily and Violet interact more could help show this. The story also seems to make it clear to us that Lily is in the wrong in her negative feelings towards her sister, with Violet’s calm demeanor and apparent sweetness. So in the end, when Violet’s upset about the adoption idea and Lily decides it’s ok, I’m confused about why Lily feels this way. Is she happy to see her sister upset? Will this new brother be kind of like Lily’s revenge? I like Violet, and still feel like Lily is ungrounded in her feelings towards her sister. I’m also not sure what her feelings towards Violet are exactly in the present. It actually seems like Lily doesn’t know her very well from the detached way in which they interact in the present scene with their mother. Did they resolve their issues? It never seems like they did. I’d also like to get more of a sense of Violet’s personality so that the point of the story is clearer.
This is an incredibly sharp draft…great writing…I’m so excited to see where you take it next!
-Brodie
Hey Annie,
The outer story of your story was about Lily's mother telling her and her sister that she wants to adopt a child, while throughout snippets of Lily and her sister Violet's past are given. The inner story is about Lily's relationship with her sister- first the jealousy and anger she feels, which eventually turned into an acceptance and appreciation for having Violet around (seemingly why she accepts that her mother wants a baby).
First off, I really loved reading your story- it was incredibly entertaining. I loved your consistent use of intricate detail- things like making a stain "Africa-shaped" and making a tape not just a tape but a Little Mermaid tape- as it really made for a descriptive, wholly fleshed out scene that I could really see taking place. The characters and their feelings and reactions were very clear without being forced upon the reader and more importantly they were really believeable without detracting from the potential appeal of the narrative.
The structure of the story, especially when considering the story's end, is really the double-edged sword I saw while reading it. For the most part, I love the structure- you jump back and forth with ease, and it never becomes awkward. It was just when I was trying to figure out Lily's reaction to the announcement at the end and started trying to figure out "when" the flashbacks were happening that I got confused. It seemed to me like they could either be straight-up narrative flashbacks- just the author giving the reader some of their history- or Lily's actual reminiscence of her past with Violet. My problem was, if the former is true, then Lily seems a bit inconsistent in that she has that sort of resentful attitude throughout the "present" time and her acceptance of the brother at the end doesn't really make sense (unless she's trying to just irk Violet, which doesn't seem to go with her character, either). If it is her reminiscing, then her realizing she appreciates Violet makes her surprising reaction believable, but then her memories seem to random and specific, not too mention too long, to have in the span of time in which the "present" story takes place. Does that make sense?
All in all, that little confusion aside, I thought this was a fantastic story. I may have seen the characters and the sibling rivalry before, but you made it unique and, most important, interesting. You also really effectively convey the appropriate characters' feelings at the right time. I'd be really interested in seeing how this turns out.
Matty
Annie,
I read the outer story as a history of the family dynamic as it related to the decision that the family is making about whether to adopt a new child. Lilly flashes back to pivotal moments throughout their family’s history because the discussion prompts her to remember aspects of her relationship with her mother and sister. The inner story is really about Lilly’s conception of family and her relationship with her mother and sister. She reflects on how the complex relationship between her mother, her sister and herself has changed over the years. I was never able to get a handle on exactly what Lilly wanted. I thought that it may have been a better relationship with her sister, but it seems that their relationship is quite good in the present. It doesn’t seem to be a better relationship with her mother. It seems that Lilly doesn’t really know what she wants either, since she is surprised that she doesn’t object to the adoption.
Tone: I had a very hard time getting a handle on the narrative voice in this story. At times it is very distant and feels very much like an external narrator with a mind of its own. However, I couldn’t figure out who this narrator was and I did not really trust it. It editorialized quite a bit and often sounded nothing like Lilly. This was particularly apparent during the flashback scenes, in which the narrative voice is very much inside young Lilly’s head, but sounds nothing like the present version of Lilly. An example: “ ‘It’s a phase,’ her father would whisper to her mother, thinking that Lilly—with her ears vigilantly perked up even when her voice was turned to mute—couldn’t hear”. The effect is that the story seems to be told from a very distant perspective, and the editorializing voice makes me wonder what kind of lens the story is being filtered through. However, at times the voice sounds quite a bit like Lilly’s, and I think that the story is much stronger during these moments. An example on the same page as the earlier quote: “Her mother looks older, grayer, softer these days”. This sounds like Lilly and I like it much better. I want to know what Lilly thinks about what is happening, not what some faceless narrator tells me what Lilly is thinking. This would be easy to fix, as it really is just a matter of tone, making the voice sound more authentically like Lilly’s and not come through the artificial narrative filter.
Conflict: I had a hard time understanding Lilly’s motivations in this story, I think partly due to the distance of the voice. I never felt like I had access to her. I couldn’t figure out why Lilly started crying when Violet picked her up, and why she decided to finally compliment her sister. What happened over the 10 years in between the birthday incident and this incident that changed their relationship and how does it affect the present? I could see how having an improved relationship with Violet led to her being more receptive to adopting another child, but how did the relationship get to this point. Also, the fact that the child would be a boy having such a big effect on Lilly threw me for a bit of a loop at the end.
Dear Annie,
I understood your outer story to be about a college senior who returns home and learns, along with her younger sister, that her parents are planning to adopt a baby boy.
I understood your inner story to be about Lily’s complicated relationship with Violet: her lifelong resentment of the younger sister, but also the understanding of their mutual dependence that has gradually dawned upon her.
You do a really wonderful job of creating a protagonist who takes her self seriously in a way that is both sympathetic and ridiculous. The stories about Lily’s constant subservience to Violet are really great: they are so real that they feel both painful and funny, and yet they are told with an exaggerated quality that strikes just the perfect melodramatic note. I like the way I can see the relationship between Lily and Violet change (and remain stagnant, in other ways) as the memories progress. You also do quite a nice job interspersing these memories with the scenes in the present. I really enjoyed the details in these scenes, about the sofa, the gum wrapper, the way Lily tunes her mother out. The opening scene, in particular, is very strong.
I did have some questions about the way these many memories of Violet still seem to bother Lily so much. It’s ridiculous that Lily, still in her twenties, does not seem to understand (for example) that it’s perfectly reasonable for her parents to cancel her birthday party when Violet cuts her foot open. I’m happy to accept this ridiculousness as the world of the story, but if that’s the case, then I want to see that ridiculousness and melodrama manifested elsewhere. The ending is so normal and expected (too much so, I think), and I can’t quite reconcile that with Lily’s previous irrationality. One thing that might help clear this up would be if I understood whose ideas the narrator is expressing. I assume that this narrative voice is recalling these memories the way current-Lily recalls them, but perhaps that’s a faulty assumption. Finally, I’d love to see the present-day narrative span more than a single conversation. These characters and this premise have so much to offer, and I really want to see more of how this drama plays out.
I think you’ve tapped into a goldmine in a lot of ways, and there’s a lot about this story that’s great already. Nice job!
Zach
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