I read your outer story to be about a girl who goes shopping with her grandfather for his 91st birthday gift. I read your inner story to be about a girl who worries about her grandfather dying.
Some of the phrases you used were really beautiful, especially “the fabric tugs at the band-aids lacing up his arms” and “the sunshine still bubbles under his scalp.” Your piece (again) combines economy and description very effectively. In this piece I think you do an especially good job situating the reader in the world you’ve created: I liked the details that told us Lorraine was fifteen and living in New York, and I liked the descriptions of the house that showed that the family was liberal and Jewish.
The movement in the story—Sy coming up from Delray Beach, them taking the train to the Strand to the market to pork buns back to home—drives the piece forward. The question I kept asking myself was “what will they find?,” and that kept me reading. I didn’t mind that they didn’t find anything either, because by the time they return home, I felt that I had gradually learned so much about their world that I could understand why it was okay with Sy (and understandable to Lorraine) that they hadn’t bought anything.
At first I thought your piece was about Lorraine’s fear that she would forget something about the past. She worries about heirlooms, and where to store Sy’s stories, and that photos from Crete will be lost. But I gradually began to see these fears as a product of her fearing that Sy is going to die, as different forms of loss. Part of the reason I read your story this way is because I saw a really strong connection between Sy and Lorraine—even though you didn’t show a ton of their relationship, I think you showed just enough to reveal how strong it was.
I really enjoyed your story overall, and my critiques are generally narrow. I didn’t like the non-use of commas, for example, on page five for “boots jeans socks.” I thought it was used infrequently enough that it was distracting. I didn’t like ending on the milk cartons either—there was a little bit of a hanging feeling.
I was okay not knowing a lot about Sy—I didn’t need to hear exactly why a shirt spray painted with Moses would be a gift he likes—his acceptance says a lot already. But occasionally I did want to see more of him in dialogue—perhaps have him reveal something about himself while he and Lorraine are shopping. If we’re able to see an evolution in their relationship over the course of the story, I think that Lorraine’s fears will be even more salient at the end.
The external story is about a girl going with her grandfather to find a fitting birthday present for his ninety-first birthday. To me, the internal story examines a girl who is very attached to memory, history, holding on to the past.
I love the characters in this story, especially Sy. You create such an interesting man, and an interesting relationship with his granddaughter. I love that he crawls through the bookstore, recommends Maimonides for Lorraine to read, eats kosher except for Chinese food, wears his gift t-shirts from Lorraine while “juicing his grapefruits after his morning walk around the condo development” (1), and suggests gifts for Lorraine instead of for himself. He seems so alive and active, and yet we also get reminders that he is old, like when his palms bleed and when “The fabric tugs at the band-aids lacing up his arms, but he says it’s fine” (2). He is such a likeable old man, and it leaves the reader with some dread, knowing how Lorraine feels about history and about him, and knowing that he can’t live much longer.
Another great aspect of this story is its attention to detail. It’s great how Sy comes with a monogrammed suitcase and canvas sneakers in the snow, that the two of them have to jump off the curbs to get over the slush, that they smell clove cigarettes as they walk, and that the dough of the pork buns sticks to Lorraine’s fingers (etc.). The scenes are so rich and vivid, and the reader can almost smell the chicken cooking, or the freezing cold snow.
Something that I am left wondering about is how Lorraine has changed by the end of the story. I don’t know if anything has really shifted at all. At the end, I wonder why it doesn’t matter that they didn’t find a birthday present, and how Lorraine feels about the birthday in general. Ninety-one is pretty darn old, and the fact that Lorraine doesn’t acknowledge that seems strange. She is so aware of aging and the past and history, and yet, she doesn’t seem to think that Sy might die in the near future. Although he is active and young-seeming (maybe too young-seeming for age 90?), it is still a pretty natural thing to wonder about, especially for someone who thinks about heirlooms, photos, old artifacts, and such. It seems like Lorraine’s attitude towards death is lurking in the story, and yet I think could be developed and fleshed out a bit.
Another little issue I had was an inconsistent voice. I feel like the language Lorraine uses sometimes seem very verbose and mature (“vestibule” instead of hall, “precipitation” instead of rain, “must” instead of has to), and then sometimes seems somewhat childish, like when she mentions “snot” and starts sentences with “Though.” I understand that Lorraine is 15 and yet seems very creative and mature in some ways, but I get a confusing portrayal by some of the word choices.
Overall, as always, I love reading your writing, and look forward to the development of this story!
“Preservation,” on the outer story level, is about a fifteen-year-old girl, Lorraine, who is looking for (but doesn’t find) a birthday present for her ninety-one-year-old grandfather, Sy. The inner story deals with a really bright young woman who is looking for the best way to preserve what’s important who her. At the physical level, her house is falling apart (“my roof is falling in” and “the sconces still sag”) despite recent renovations (“floors were refinished”). But at a deeper level, her family is also falling apart; her grandfather is not young and not well, either (“band-aids lacing up his arms”), and he no longer lives in New York but in Florida. She wants to give Sy something to remember her by in the same way that he has given her so much: books, a sewing machine, and “eras” of information that she is “tempted to etch into stone, bury archival boxes, tattoo the backs of [her] knees.” The central question for this narrator, her motivation, is the one she asks her mother at the end when looking at damaged photo albums: “But how will you remember?” There is a running tension about what she can take with her, what memories will make the cut especially as she grows older.
I thought the relationship between Sy and Lorraine was really well-drawn. I felt like I knew both characters and could see them visually, bundled up for the snow and walking through New York with “snot on [their] collars.” The closeness of their relationship was conveyed effectively and efficiently with awesome details, the spray-painted T-shirts and the Maimonides. There is admiration and companionship in every detail of their interactions. I really loved them both as characters. I thought Lorraine’s mother also played an important role in the story. She seems to be a kind of antagonist to Lorraine’s desires to protect and keep everything. The mother makes her choose between a typewriter and a sewing machine, makes her throw out photo albums with empty milk cartons. The mother also functions as another source of family history, being Sy’s daughter, and this is important to Lorraine as well. I’m not as sure how the other minor characters functioned in the story, however. For instance, I feel like the father is just barely there and that this absence is important, there’s something about the grandfather constantly stepping into the father’s shoes and how the father is slow to repair the house that feels significant, but I’m not sure whether this is just me reading too much into it. If there is something here with the father, then I would like to see it brought out just a little bit more. Also, I didn’t understand why Lorraine had to have so many siblings, brothers and sisters. I’m not sure it adds to the story, and it definitely makes me wonder if her siblings are jealous that Lorraine has such a special relationship with her grandfather and how such evident favoritism affects the family dynamics. If you intend them to be a source of contrast to Lorraine or another source of tension in the family (which are interesting possibilities), then I’d like to see them developed more.
Another thing that I was ambivalent about was the ending. I liked the interaction with the mother a lot; it really added to the theme of your story, but I wanted something more from the last lines, something as crystallized and inevitable as paint dripping down a woman’s arm. I don’t know, though, it may just be me looking for a flashier ending that isn’t necessary at all. As in your last story, I adored your sense of detail (“the snow is saturated with the smell of clove cigarettes”) and your dialogue was perfect (“Well,” we say)—just awesome. I think this is a really strong draft and I look forward to seeing whichever story you choose to revise. Thanks so much for sharing. I really enjoyed your stories.
Michelle, The outer story of this piece is a granddaughter taking a day trip with her 91 year old grandfather to look for a gift for his birthday. The inner story of this piece is Lorraine’s struggle to understand memory and history. You have a strong voice and a wonderful cast of characters. One of your greatest strengths is saying so much in so few words. For example, I love how Lorraine admits that, “In years past, I have resorted to spray-painting Moses or Miles Davis onto t-shirts,” (1) when she is trying to think of a gift ideas for Sy. Not only does this line speak worlds about Lorraine, but it also is so revealing about Sy’s very odds tastes. Similarly, I love how Sy tells his granddaughter that “the bookstore’s disorder is its source of wealth” (2) and that upon browsing the aisles Sy, “disappears into Transportation; then reemerges from Military” (2). The voice is so playful and fun, yet mature, curious and still insecure. She watches her grandfather closely—she both admires him and critiques him. Through this first-person narration, Lorraine is painted so clearly Although I feel that I know Lorraine well, there are a couple moments which are overly strange, to the point where I am confused what is going on. For example, Lorraine says, “I pull him to his feet and hand him his coat. His palms are bleeding from the friction” (3). Was Sy quite literally crawling through the aisles? If so, why doesn’t Lorraine think this is more strange? Why isn’t Sy’s extreme oddness shown at other points throughout the story? As a reader, I feel abandoned here, like you just gave me this huge puzzle and no way to figure out how to solve it. Additionally, why doesn’t Lorraine’s father fix the roof? And why isn’t her mother concerned about her Crete trip scrap book? I found motives hard to grasp and reactions too ambiguous. Lorraine seems real to me, but everyone else sort of seemed in a dream-world, and I wasn’t sure how to interpret their actions. Also, I felt conflicted about the inner story of this piece. The title and the ending of your story seem point to a piece on memory. It is also directly mentioned on pg 4, when Lorraine wants to remember her grandfather’s history, and thinks, “I am tempted to etch it into stone, bury archival boxes, tattoo the backs of my knees.” I like how she struggles to process age and time, and worries about remembering things she has not experienced directly, like her parents’ vacation. But this story also seemed to be about Sy and his unique relationship with Lorraine. The thoughts on memory seemed like an addendum at the end, and wasn’t part of the nugget of the story. I really like this idea of a fifteen year old girl desperately wanting to remember her family’s past, but I felt that this theme ran secondary to the tour-de-fource relationship between these two characters. I wonder if you could make it just about the lessons she learns from Sy? Why is his birthday so important? Is it important they don’t find anything? Why is a flea market important to this story on the value of history and memory? I am left with many questions that I think would be fascinating to explore and expand into a longer story. Perhaps then both of these themes could be explored jointly.
Hi Michelle, I read the outer story as being about a girl who goes shopping with her grandfather to find him a birthdy present. I saw the inner story as being about a girl who worries too much about the history of material objects to recognize the immaterial worth of memories. I found this to be a very enjoyable read, as the language all throughout had a sort of delicacy that just amplified the emotions and interactions between the girl and her grandfather. Both the little details, such as the grandfather's bleeding palms, and the vivid descriptions such as snow "saturated with the smell of clove cigarettes" made this feel like a very heartfelt, tender, and in the end warm (if sad) story. I also think the narrator's sort of inability to understand why it's not so important that the grandfather have a material gift or that the album is destroyed were handled very well, giving enough scene to know what's going on without the narrator injecting it with a lot of their own interpretation. There were two things I would have liked to see: first, I'd like to know a bit more about the grandfather. I just didn't see a lot of him as an individual character formed, and reverted to a more generic elderly gentleman character. There were hints of him being a really interesting person, I just think he can be fleshed out a little more. Second, I found certain parts of the story to be a little cryptic when they didn't need to be. Even though I knew it was his birthday, I was a little confused by he gift exchange going on and the way they were going about finding the gifts. I also couldn't get a sense of the sort of places they were shopping- it was a bit abstract to me for some reason. All in all, I think your language is beautiful, and there's a really strong relationship built between the girl and her grandfather that feels truly genuine. I think if we saw just a bit more of the grandfather, the story could be even better. -Matty
Michelle, the outer is about a girl, Lorraine, whose grandfather, Sy, is visiting from Florida for his ninety-first birthday. When he gets there, Lorraine realizes that she doesn’t have anything to give him, so the two of them go out to search for a gift when the precipitation subsides. They end up not being to find anything, though, and return empty handed. Sy leaves the next day.
The inner story seems to be about Lorraine learning about memory and history, through both Sy and her mother (at the very end). Throughout the story, she is confused as to how to store the information about her family’s past that she receives (“I am tempted to etch into stone, bury archival boxes, tattoo the backs of my knees”). When the photo album of her parent’s trip to Crete becomes ruined, Lorraine becomes distressed that she’s lost a part of her past. There’s an emphasis on things that are old or from her family’s past, whether it’s her grandfather’s typewriter or Uncle Bruce’s Kodachrome portraits. He has much to offer her; she, at fifteen, with very little world experience relative to his own, has very little to offer. Only with age will she be able to give true gifts of significance. This is evident in the part when Lorraine says, “But, I have nothing for you” and Sy responds, “Lorraine, you are only fifteen.”
There are also hints of mortality throughout the story—you do a great job using small details to suggest Sy’s fragility. Things like “his elbows crack,” the band aids, “his palms are bleeding” and the fact that he “shuffles” are all suggestive of someone nearing his final years. It also suggests that Lorraine is worried about losing him.
I think you do a nice job with the characterization of Lorraine—through her actions and dialogue, the reader is able to detect her naïveté (“But think of its history!” to which Sy replies, “Whose history?”).
One thing I was wondering: does Lorraine take anything away from Sy? At the end, it seems definitely conceivable that she could come away with something—there are very overt signals from Sy that he is trying to teach her something, but at the very end, when she takes out the milk cartons, I’m so sure that Lorraine “gets it.” This might be something that you would want to make clearer in your final draft.
Overall I thought this was a really interesting, descriptive piece to read. Good luck with your final draft.
The outer story in this piece is about Lorraine’s quest to find a present for her grandfather Sy’s ninety-first birthday. I read the inner story to be about connecting to and remembering the past, through both connecting to people and objects. I thought Lorraine was a character who wanted to connect to and preserve the past, but was perhaps going about it in the wrong way.
The characters in this story were excellent, and you managed to get a lot across about them without any clunky exposition. I loved Sy handing Lorraine Maimonides, and Lorraine’s choice between the typewriter and the sewing machine. That she spray-painted Moses and Miles Davis onto t-shirts as gifts to her grandfather said a lot about her as a character. I think in general the world that you’ve sketched out here is wonderfully memorable and specific—the bookstore, the Strand, Lorraine’s leaky home which smells of potatoes and roasting chicken. You have such great, tactile details that each of these places felt very real. I especially liked the water-logged photo album: “beaches melt down the plastic,” was a wonderful line. Your dialogue was effective as well; it was quite terse, but did a good job of conveying emotion and implying a great deal through subtext and suggestion.
I felt that Sy was a bit of an enigma in that story—that may have been your intention, but I wanted to get a somewhat better handle on his character, or at least on the relationship between Sy and Lorraine. We’re in Lorraine’s head here, and although I got the sense that she revered him deeply, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. Why does she think “bagel slicer pocket watch sweater vest” might be reasonable offerings, given their two quirky natures? Why, this year, has she decided spray-painted Miles Davis t-shirts are no longer acceptable? Is she going for a more conventional present this year? Why?
I also thought the ages here were pretty interesting—Sy is ninety-one, but his granddaughter is only 15! How old is mom? She could easily be in her sixties (well, maybe not, if her daughter is 15). I thought the relationship between mom-Lorraine-Sy was intriguing. The lines “Sy raised my mother in a kosher household. To this day, she cannot eat cheeseburgers,” raised a lot of questions in my mind. What kind of impact has Sy had on mom, and in turn, on Lorraine? We might even get something between Sy and the mother, if not in scene then perhaps in summary, flashback, or even just musing on Lorraine’s part. If this story is about how memories are preserved through people rather than objects, how have Sy’s memories filtered down through these two generations?
Finally, I was a bit let down at the end of this story—what did Lorraine end up getting Sy?! Why the ambiguous answer to the mom’s question? I think I know on one level why, but did Lorraine really not get her grandfather a present? Sy seems like he’d be pretty okay with that, but not Lorraine!
Your story is about a girl’s day with her grandfather and their quest to find him a present. I read it mainly as almost an ode to the grandfather. She is realizing who he is and all the things about him that she enjoys and everything that she will ultimately miss about him. The ticking clock is not just her limited visit time and trying to get a gift, but grandpa’s limited life and her trying to keep herself in it and show her gratitude. The language of this poetry was very poetic to me. I think that a lot of this had to do with the really neat rhythms that it establishes in the story. It caused me to really examine the details and try to figure out why they were there and their significance, similar to Mark’s story. I just had a few suggestions to this, some things that I thought might add to the actual motivation of the story.
I wanted to know about the grandfather’s health, more. Does the girl think/realize that he might not be around for much longer? I think that a good place for this is with the discussion of the typewriter and the sewing machine. This seems like it ties in with her discussion about heirlooms and how they make her nervous. I took that line as nervousness about the death that inheritance implies. What is the importance of the two-tone typewriter.
I also wanted to know, not explicitly of course, but from her description what her relationship with him is. Did she use to visit him a lot? Was he a big part of her childhood that will be missed and does she think about this? Did they ever visit these places before, when she is younger? The only information about their past is that he once told her where he was born, and she says this is very important? The idea of losing memories resurfaces again in the destroyed photo albums. I was wondering if I could see these memories to understand their importance more. She says, a little earlier to think of its history and this takes me aback. This is a weird thing to say in response to what seem to be tacky, worthless items. Where did they get their significance from?
I didn’t understand what she meant about “old school at the bottom of p. 4. Also, a great deal of time seems to have passed, like hours and it took me by surprise. I couldn’t tell that the flea market and the bookstore took such a long time to get through. I feel that other things happened in this space and I want to know what they are. When Sy says that its time to go home I was wondering if he was bored or tired, or if it was getting dark.
You get a lot done very economically here. I enjoyed this very much.
I read the outer story of “Preservation” as the story about the day that Sy, on his ninety-first birthday, comes up to New York from Florida to spend the day with his granddaughter Lorraine. They go walking around the city so Lorraine can pick out a birthday present for Sy. In the end, they do not find anything and then Lorraine has to throw out some family photos. The inner story is Lorraine’s interest in memories and her grandfather seems to be a representation of memory, nostalgia and a past that will soon be gone. Her fixation on heirlooms and the photos is representative of this interest in memory and concern with losing the past.
Characters: I really enjoyed the relationship between Lorraine and her grandfather. The dialogue between them and the narrator’s reflections upon their relationship felt very warm and real. They seem to have a great grandfather-granddaughter relationship and seemed to care about each other a lot. Sy’s patience for Lorraine and his whole attitude seemed to fit a sharp ninety-one year old very well. I enjoyed walking around the city with them very much. One thing that I was unclear about, and I wanted to be clear about, was the issue of them not finding a gift. Is this something that happens every year on Sy’s birthday. He seems very much to not want a gift at all from Lorraine, as he seems rather forceful about leaving whatever place they are in when Lorraine begins suggesting gifts. This is not a big issue, I just would have liked a line or two to ease my curiosity on the subject and I think that it would be an interesting aspect of Sy’s character to explore. Details: I thought that you had some wonderful details in this story and that the use of detail in general was very well done. I liked the image of Sy juicing grapefruits after his morning walk in a spray-painted Miles Davis t-shirt. I thought that the image of “The trains drags up to the platform with ice on the windows” was beautiful and did a great job of setting the scene of New York in winter for the reader. I really liked the image of the path of towels from the vestibule to the staircase.
Ending: I really liked the ending of this story. Both this one and your first story don’t have great big climaxes and neatly tied endings, but whereas in your first story I didn’t really know what to take from the ending, in this one I felt very much satisfied. You did a very good job of subtly weaving the idea of memories and nostalgia into the story, and it wasn’t until the last few lines of the story that I really understood that this is what the narrator is really concerned with deep down and the end left me feeling very much satisfied. The last two lines of dialogue and the image of the photos being tossed out with the empty milk cartons was beautiful and was just great.
The outer story is a girl’s day out in New York with her grandfather. The inner story is about the girl’s desire to both have something to hold on to her grandfather and something to give to him after he dies. Their relationship is also incredibly crucial to the inner story, as the grandfather seems to know Lorraine better than anyone, even her mother. He is also her connection to a rich and deep history, something she seems to crave and revere. His coming and going seems to have a strong impact on her and leave her with something, although I’m not yet sure what it is.
There is a lot of beautiful language in this peace, and your use of wetness, snow, and precipitation creates a wonderful wet saturated feeling throughout. Lorraine has a great voice – I love that she’s fifteen and likes to use big words like “vestibule”, “sconces”, and “precipitation” even in dialogue. It’s obvious that she’s very aware and mature for her age. I got the sense that she’s trying to sound/act older than she is, but I wasn’t clear why or if I was just imagining it. Sy is a great character, and I like that he is described through the sun spots on his scalp, Moses/Miles David t-shirts, time spent in the war, band-aids on his arm, and a type-writer, among other things. I get a very vivid picture of him by piecing together this patch-work quilt of description. Lorraine, on the other hand, doesn’t feel as developed, and I want to see more of her. I love her interaction with her grandfather – we know she’s creative and articulate, that she wants the type-writer, that she cares deeply for Sy, that she’s Jewish, but I don’t get a clear sense of what she’s missing and what she eventually gets. In other words, I don’t see her change, and I’m not sure the reader knows her enough in the beginning to know what needs changing or to understand how she changes. I’m also curious about her parents…where are they? Why is she all alone in the house in the beginning and then suddenly a mom and siblings appear and are cooking dinner, talking, etc? Where’s the dad? I also felt like it was weird that the grandfather came and never saw Lorraine’s mom. He seemed to leave so quickly…did he have somewhere to go? Finally, I’m not crazy about the ending because I’m still left wondering what it was that she found, if anything. The mom asks if they found anything, they answer well, and I’m not sure if they have some inside understanding that they did find something or if they didn’t find anything or what.
I like you bringing back the wetness, and I like the photo album as a symbol for a remnant of the past that Lorraine’s afraid of losing. And I think the inclusion of the milk cartons is to show the reader that Lorraine now understands that material things are valueless and that everything can be given, received, and stored (preserved) on the inside. But I didn’t think it was clear enough, and the ending still felt unsatisfying.
I understood your outer story to be about a girl who spends the day with her grandfather. I understood your inner story to be about Lorraine coming to understand the power of creating and maintaining memories.
One of the great strengths of this story is the voice. Your narrator is a precocious fifteen year old, and somehow, instead of making her sound like an eighteen year old who we’re told is fifteen, you manage to make her voice seem totally genuine and believable. I love the way you frequently combine two seemingly unrelated thoughts or observations and, in doing so, reveal so much about the characters and the situations. Lines like “My roof is falling in and next week is my grandfather’s ninety-first birthday,” or, “he shrugs with a monogrammed suitcase” are wonderful, because they tell me so much about Lorraine by showing me the things that she feels are connected. I’m not sure if this makes any sense, but suffice to say that I love the detail and style of your narration. I also think you did a lovely job tying the story together with the thread of memory, but doing so with a subtlety that lends itself well to your narrator’s uncertainty and sense of discovery. The relationship between Lorraine and Sy felt very real and tender, and I am very impressed by how economically you were able to develop such a touching relationship between two clear characters.
While I admire how much you accomplished in such a short space, I think that this story feels a little bit condensed, and would benefit from further development of the characters, relationships, and themes. It doesn’t matter to me that not much happens in the story: this is clearly a significant day for Lorraine, and I’d be interested to see more of it. It’s also strange to me that Sy only stays for a day – are his visits always this short? Finally, I was a little confused by the ending. The discussion with the mom about the photo album is great, but the empty milk cartons made me feel as though I was missing something (perhaps I was). Right now, I feel that this a story about a grandfather and a granddaughter, and I lose that a little in the final page.
Overall, I think this is really nice work. You have a very distinct writing style that I admire and enjoy, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
11 comments:
Dear Michelle,
I read your outer story to be about a girl who goes shopping with her grandfather for his 91st birthday gift. I read your inner story to be about a girl who worries about her grandfather dying.
Some of the phrases you used were really beautiful, especially “the fabric tugs at the band-aids lacing up his arms” and “the sunshine still bubbles under his scalp.” Your piece (again) combines economy and description very effectively. In this piece I think you do an especially good job situating the reader in the world you’ve created: I liked the details that told us Lorraine was fifteen and living in New York, and I liked the descriptions of the house that showed that the family was liberal and Jewish.
The movement in the story—Sy coming up from Delray Beach, them taking the train to the Strand to the market to pork buns back to home—drives the piece forward. The question I kept asking myself was “what will they find?,” and that kept me reading. I didn’t mind that they didn’t find anything either, because by the time they return home, I felt that I had gradually learned so much about their world that I could understand why it was okay with Sy (and understandable to Lorraine) that they hadn’t bought anything.
At first I thought your piece was about Lorraine’s fear that she would forget something about the past. She worries about heirlooms, and where to store Sy’s stories, and that photos from Crete will be lost. But I gradually began to see these fears as a product of her fearing that Sy is going to die, as different forms of loss. Part of the reason I read your story this way is because I saw a really strong connection between Sy and Lorraine—even though you didn’t show a ton of their relationship, I think you showed just enough to reveal how strong it was.
I really enjoyed your story overall, and my critiques are generally narrow. I didn’t like the non-use of commas, for example, on page five for “boots jeans socks.” I thought it was used infrequently enough that it was distracting. I didn’t like ending on the milk cartons either—there was a little bit of a hanging feeling.
I was okay not knowing a lot about Sy—I didn’t need to hear exactly why a shirt spray painted with Moses would be a gift he likes—his acceptance says a lot already. But occasionally I did want to see more of him in dialogue—perhaps have him reveal something about himself while he and Lorraine are shopping. If we’re able to see an evolution in their relationship over the course of the story, I think that Lorraine’s fears will be even more salient at the end.
Great draft,
James
Dear Michelle,
The external story is about a girl going with her grandfather to find a fitting birthday present for his ninety-first birthday. To me, the internal story examines a girl who is very attached to memory, history, holding on to the past.
I love the characters in this story, especially Sy. You create such an interesting man, and an interesting relationship with his granddaughter. I love that he crawls through the bookstore, recommends Maimonides for Lorraine to read, eats kosher except for Chinese food, wears his gift t-shirts from Lorraine while “juicing his grapefruits after his morning walk around the condo development” (1), and suggests gifts for Lorraine instead of for himself. He seems so alive and active, and yet we also get reminders that he is old, like when his palms bleed and when “The fabric tugs at the band-aids lacing up his arms, but he says it’s fine” (2). He is such a likeable old man, and it leaves the reader with some dread, knowing how Lorraine feels about history and about him, and knowing that he can’t live much longer.
Another great aspect of this story is its attention to detail. It’s great how Sy comes with a monogrammed suitcase and canvas sneakers in the snow, that the two of them have to jump off the curbs to get over the slush, that they smell clove cigarettes as they walk, and that the dough of the pork buns sticks to Lorraine’s fingers (etc.). The scenes are so rich and vivid, and the reader can almost smell the chicken cooking, or the freezing cold snow.
Something that I am left wondering about is how Lorraine has changed by the end of the story. I don’t know if anything has really shifted at all. At the end, I wonder why it doesn’t matter that they didn’t find a birthday present, and how Lorraine feels about the birthday in general. Ninety-one is pretty darn old, and the fact that Lorraine doesn’t acknowledge that seems strange. She is so aware of aging and the past and history, and yet, she doesn’t seem to think that Sy might die in the near future. Although he is active and young-seeming (maybe too young-seeming for age 90?), it is still a pretty natural thing to wonder about, especially for someone who thinks about heirlooms, photos, old artifacts, and such. It seems like Lorraine’s attitude towards death is lurking in the story, and yet I think could be developed and fleshed out a bit.
Another little issue I had was an inconsistent voice. I feel like the language Lorraine uses sometimes seem very verbose and mature (“vestibule” instead of hall, “precipitation” instead of rain, “must” instead of has to), and then sometimes seems somewhat childish, like when she mentions “snot” and starts sentences with “Though.” I understand that Lorraine is 15 and yet seems very creative and mature in some ways, but I get a confusing portrayal by some of the word choices.
Overall, as always, I love reading your writing, and look forward to the development of this story!
-Annie Jonas
Dear Michelle,
“Preservation,” on the outer story level, is about a fifteen-year-old girl, Lorraine, who is looking for (but doesn’t find) a birthday present for her ninety-one-year-old grandfather, Sy. The inner story deals with a really bright young woman who is looking for the best way to preserve what’s important who her. At the physical level, her house is falling apart (“my roof is falling in” and “the sconces still sag”) despite recent renovations (“floors were refinished”). But at a deeper level, her family is also falling apart; her grandfather is not young and not well, either (“band-aids lacing up his arms”), and he no longer lives in New York but in Florida. She wants to give Sy something to remember her by in the same way that he has given her so much: books, a sewing machine, and “eras” of information that she is “tempted to etch into stone, bury archival boxes, tattoo the backs of [her] knees.” The central question for this narrator, her motivation, is the one she asks her mother at the end when looking at damaged photo albums: “But how will you remember?” There is a running tension about what she can take with her, what memories will make the cut especially as she grows older.
I thought the relationship between Sy and Lorraine was really well-drawn. I felt like I knew both characters and could see them visually, bundled up for the snow and walking through New York with “snot on [their] collars.” The closeness of their relationship was conveyed effectively and efficiently with awesome details, the spray-painted T-shirts and the Maimonides. There is admiration and companionship in every detail of their interactions. I really loved them both as characters. I thought Lorraine’s mother also played an important role in the story. She seems to be a kind of antagonist to Lorraine’s desires to protect and keep everything. The mother makes her choose between a typewriter and a sewing machine, makes her throw out photo albums with empty milk cartons. The mother also functions as another source of family history, being Sy’s daughter, and this is important to Lorraine as well. I’m not as sure how the other minor characters functioned in the story, however. For instance, I feel like the father is just barely there and that this absence is important, there’s something about the grandfather constantly stepping into the father’s shoes and how the father is slow to repair the house that feels significant, but I’m not sure whether this is just me reading too much into it. If there is something here with the father, then I would like to see it brought out just a little bit more. Also, I didn’t understand why Lorraine had to have so many siblings, brothers and sisters. I’m not sure it adds to the story, and it definitely makes me wonder if her siblings are jealous that Lorraine has such a special relationship with her grandfather and how such evident favoritism affects the family dynamics. If you intend them to be a source of contrast to Lorraine or another source of tension in the family (which are interesting possibilities), then I’d like to see them developed more.
Another thing that I was ambivalent about was the ending. I liked the interaction with the mother a lot; it really added to the theme of your story, but I wanted something more from the last lines, something as crystallized and inevitable as paint dripping down a woman’s arm. I don’t know, though, it may just be me looking for a flashier ending that isn’t necessary at all. As in your last story, I adored your sense of detail (“the snow is saturated with the smell of clove cigarettes”) and your dialogue was perfect (“Well,” we say)—just awesome. I think this is a really strong draft and I look forward to seeing whichever story you choose to revise. Thanks so much for sharing. I really enjoyed your stories.
Jessamyn
Michelle,
The outer story of this piece is a granddaughter taking a day trip with her 91 year old grandfather to look for a gift for his birthday. The inner story of this piece is Lorraine’s struggle to understand memory and history.
You have a strong voice and a wonderful cast of characters. One of your greatest strengths is saying so much in so few words. For example, I love how Lorraine admits that, “In years past, I have resorted to spray-painting Moses or Miles Davis onto t-shirts,” (1) when she is trying to think of a gift ideas for Sy. Not only does this line speak worlds about Lorraine, but it also is so revealing about Sy’s very odds tastes. Similarly, I love how Sy tells his granddaughter that “the bookstore’s disorder is its source of wealth” (2) and that upon browsing the aisles Sy, “disappears into Transportation; then reemerges from Military” (2). The voice is so playful and fun, yet mature, curious and still insecure. She watches her grandfather closely—she both admires him and critiques him. Through this first-person narration, Lorraine is painted so clearly
Although I feel that I know Lorraine well, there are a couple moments which are overly strange, to the point where I am confused what is going on. For example, Lorraine says, “I pull him to his feet and hand him his coat. His palms are bleeding from the friction” (3). Was Sy quite literally crawling through the aisles? If so, why doesn’t Lorraine think this is more strange? Why isn’t Sy’s extreme oddness shown at other points throughout the story? As a reader, I feel abandoned here, like you just gave me this huge puzzle and no way to figure out how to solve it. Additionally, why doesn’t Lorraine’s father fix the roof? And why isn’t her mother concerned about her Crete trip scrap book? I found motives hard to grasp and reactions too ambiguous. Lorraine seems real to me, but everyone else sort of seemed in a dream-world, and I wasn’t sure how to interpret their actions.
Also, I felt conflicted about the inner story of this piece. The title and the ending of your story seem point to a piece on memory. It is also directly mentioned on pg 4, when Lorraine wants to remember her grandfather’s history, and thinks, “I am tempted to etch it into stone, bury archival boxes, tattoo the backs of my knees.” I like how she struggles to process age and time, and worries about remembering things she has not experienced directly, like her parents’ vacation. But this story also seemed to be about Sy and his unique relationship with Lorraine. The thoughts on memory seemed like an addendum at the end, and wasn’t part of the nugget of the story. I really like this idea of a fifteen year old girl desperately wanting to remember her family’s past, but I felt that this theme ran secondary to the tour-de-fource relationship between these two characters. I wonder if you could make it just about the lessons she learns from Sy? Why is his birthday so important? Is it important they don’t find anything? Why is a flea market important to this story on the value of history and memory? I am left with many questions that I think would be fascinating to explore and expand into a longer story. Perhaps then both of these themes could be explored jointly.
Great start,
Katie
Hi Michelle,
I read the outer story as being about a girl who goes shopping with her grandfather to find him a birthdy present. I saw the inner story as being about a girl who worries too much about the history of material objects to recognize the immaterial worth of memories.
I found this to be a very enjoyable read, as the language all throughout had a sort of delicacy that just amplified the emotions and interactions between the girl and her grandfather. Both the little details, such as the grandfather's bleeding palms, and the vivid descriptions such as snow "saturated with the smell of clove cigarettes" made this feel like a very heartfelt, tender, and in the end warm (if sad) story. I also think the narrator's sort of inability to understand why it's not so important that the grandfather have a material gift or that the album is destroyed were handled very well, giving enough scene to know what's going on without the narrator injecting it with a lot of their own interpretation.
There were two things I would have liked to see: first, I'd like to know a bit more about the grandfather. I just didn't see a lot of him as an individual character formed, and reverted to a more generic elderly gentleman character. There were hints of him being a really interesting person, I just think he can be fleshed out a little more. Second, I found certain parts of the story to be a little cryptic when they didn't need to be. Even though I knew it was his birthday, I was a little confused by he gift exchange going on and the way they were going about finding the gifts. I also couldn't get a sense of the sort of places they were shopping- it was a bit abstract to me for some reason.
All in all, I think your language is beautiful, and there's a really strong relationship built between the girl and her grandfather that feels truly genuine. I think if we saw just a bit more of the grandfather, the story could be even better.
-Matty
Michelle, the outer is about a girl, Lorraine, whose grandfather, Sy, is visiting from Florida for his ninety-first birthday. When he gets there, Lorraine realizes that she doesn’t have anything to give him, so the two of them go out to search for a gift when the precipitation subsides. They end up not being to find anything, though, and return empty handed. Sy leaves the next day.
The inner story seems to be about Lorraine learning about memory and history, through both Sy and her mother (at the very end). Throughout the story, she is confused as to how to store the information about her family’s past that she receives (“I am tempted to etch into stone, bury archival boxes, tattoo the backs of my knees”). When the photo album of her parent’s trip to Crete becomes ruined, Lorraine becomes distressed that she’s lost a part of her past. There’s an emphasis on things that are old or from her family’s past, whether it’s her grandfather’s typewriter or Uncle Bruce’s Kodachrome portraits. He has much to offer her; she, at fifteen, with very little world experience relative to his own, has very little to offer. Only with age will she be able to give true gifts of significance. This is evident in the part when Lorraine says, “But, I have nothing for you” and Sy responds, “Lorraine, you are only fifteen.”
There are also hints of mortality throughout the story—you do a great job using small details to suggest Sy’s fragility. Things like “his elbows crack,” the band aids, “his palms are bleeding” and the fact that he “shuffles” are all suggestive of someone nearing his final years. It also suggests that Lorraine is worried about losing him.
I think you do a nice job with the characterization of Lorraine—through her actions and dialogue, the reader is able to detect her naïveté (“But think of its history!” to which Sy replies, “Whose history?”).
One thing I was wondering: does Lorraine take anything away from Sy? At the end, it seems definitely conceivable that she could come away with something—there are very overt signals from Sy that he is trying to teach her something, but at the very end, when she takes out the milk cartons, I’m so sure that Lorraine “gets it.” This might be something that you would want to make clearer in your final draft.
Overall I thought this was a really interesting, descriptive piece to read. Good luck with your final draft.
-Nick
The outer story in this piece is about Lorraine’s quest to find a present for her grandfather Sy’s ninety-first birthday. I read the inner story to be about connecting to and remembering the past, through both connecting to people and objects. I thought Lorraine was a character who wanted to connect to and preserve the past, but was perhaps going about it in the wrong way.
The characters in this story were excellent, and you managed to get a lot across about them without any clunky exposition. I loved Sy handing Lorraine Maimonides, and Lorraine’s choice between the typewriter and the sewing machine. That she spray-painted Moses and Miles Davis onto t-shirts as gifts to her grandfather said a lot about her as a character. I think in general the world that you’ve sketched out here is wonderfully memorable and specific—the bookstore, the Strand, Lorraine’s leaky home which smells of potatoes and roasting chicken. You have such great, tactile details that each of these places felt very real. I especially liked the water-logged photo album: “beaches melt down the plastic,” was a wonderful line. Your dialogue was effective as well; it was quite terse, but did a good job of conveying emotion and implying a great deal through subtext and suggestion.
I felt that Sy was a bit of an enigma in that story—that may have been your intention, but I wanted to get a somewhat better handle on his character, or at least on the relationship between Sy and Lorraine. We’re in Lorraine’s head here, and although I got the sense that she revered him deeply, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. Why does she think “bagel slicer pocket watch sweater vest” might be reasonable offerings, given their two quirky natures? Why, this year, has she decided spray-painted Miles Davis t-shirts are no longer acceptable? Is she going for a more conventional present this year? Why?
I also thought the ages here were pretty interesting—Sy is ninety-one, but his granddaughter is only 15! How old is mom? She could easily be in her sixties (well, maybe not, if her daughter is 15). I thought the relationship between mom-Lorraine-Sy was intriguing. The lines “Sy raised my mother in a kosher household. To this day, she cannot eat cheeseburgers,” raised a lot of questions in my mind. What kind of impact has Sy had on mom, and in turn, on Lorraine? We might even get something between Sy and the mother, if not in scene then perhaps in summary, flashback, or even just musing on Lorraine’s part. If this story is about how memories are preserved through people rather than objects, how have Sy’s memories filtered down through these two generations?
Finally, I was a bit let down at the end of this story—what did Lorraine end up getting Sy?! Why the ambiguous answer to the mom’s question? I think I know on one level why, but did Lorraine really not get her grandfather a present? Sy seems like he’d be pretty okay with that, but not Lorraine!
Fantastic story, your writing is great as always.
Michelle,
Your story is about a girl’s day with her grandfather and their quest to find him a present. I read it mainly as almost an ode to the grandfather. She is realizing who he is and all the things about him that she enjoys and everything that she will ultimately miss about him. The ticking clock is not just her limited visit time and trying to get a gift, but grandpa’s limited life and her trying to keep herself in it and show her gratitude.
The language of this poetry was very poetic to me. I think that a lot of this had to do with the really neat rhythms that it establishes in the story. It caused me to really examine the details and try to figure out why they were there and their significance, similar to Mark’s story. I just had a few suggestions to this, some things that I thought might add to the actual motivation of the story.
I wanted to know about the grandfather’s health, more. Does the girl think/realize that he might not be around for much longer? I think that a good place for this is with the discussion of the typewriter and the sewing machine. This seems like it ties in with her discussion about heirlooms and how they make her nervous. I took that line as nervousness about the death that inheritance implies. What is the importance of the two-tone typewriter.
I also wanted to know, not explicitly of course, but from her description what her relationship with him is. Did she use to visit him a lot? Was he a big part of her childhood that will be missed and does she think about this? Did they ever visit these places before, when she is younger? The only information about their past is that he once told her where he was born, and she says this is very important? The idea of losing memories resurfaces again in the destroyed photo albums. I was wondering if I could see these memories to understand their importance more. She says, a little earlier to think of its history and this takes me aback. This is a weird thing to say in response to what seem to be tacky, worthless items. Where did they get their significance from?
I didn’t understand what she meant about “old school at the bottom of p. 4. Also, a great deal of time seems to have passed, like hours and it took me by surprise. I couldn’t tell that the flea market and the bookstore took such a long time to get through. I feel that other things happened in this space and I want to know what they are. When Sy says that its time to go home I was wondering if he was bored or tired, or if it was getting dark.
You get a lot done very economically here. I enjoyed this very much.
Michael
Michelle,
I read the outer story of “Preservation” as the story about the day that Sy, on his ninety-first birthday, comes up to New York from Florida to spend the day with his granddaughter Lorraine. They go walking around the city so Lorraine can pick out a birthday present for Sy. In the end, they do not find anything and then Lorraine has to throw out some family photos. The inner story is Lorraine’s interest in memories and her grandfather seems to be a representation of memory, nostalgia and a past that will soon be gone. Her fixation on heirlooms and the photos is representative of this interest in memory and concern with losing the past.
Characters: I really enjoyed the relationship between Lorraine and her grandfather. The dialogue between them and the narrator’s reflections upon their relationship felt very warm and real. They seem to have a great grandfather-granddaughter relationship and seemed to care about each other a lot. Sy’s patience for Lorraine and his whole attitude seemed to fit a sharp ninety-one year old very well. I enjoyed walking around the city with them very much. One thing that I was unclear about, and I wanted to be clear about, was the issue of them not finding a gift. Is this something that happens every year on Sy’s birthday. He seems very much to not want a gift at all from Lorraine, as he seems rather forceful about leaving whatever place they are in when Lorraine begins suggesting gifts. This is not a big issue, I just would have liked a line or two to ease my curiosity on the subject and I think that it would be an interesting aspect of Sy’s character to explore.
Details: I thought that you had some wonderful details in this story and that the use of detail in general was very well done. I liked the image of Sy juicing grapefruits after his morning walk in a spray-painted Miles Davis t-shirt. I thought that the image of “The trains drags up to the platform with ice on the windows” was beautiful and did a great job of setting the scene of New York in winter for the reader. I really liked the image of the path of towels from the vestibule to the staircase.
Ending: I really liked the ending of this story. Both this one and your first story don’t have great big climaxes and neatly tied endings, but whereas in your first story I didn’t really know what to take from the ending, in this one I felt very much satisfied. You did a very good job of subtly weaving the idea of memories and nostalgia into the story, and it wasn’t until the last few lines of the story that I really understood that this is what the narrator is really concerned with deep down and the end left me feeling very much satisfied. The last two lines of dialogue and the image of the photos being tossed out with the empty milk cartons was beautiful and was just great.
Michelle:
The outer story is a girl’s day out in New York with her grandfather. The inner story is about the girl’s desire to both have something to hold on to her grandfather and something to give to him after he dies. Their relationship is also incredibly crucial to the inner story, as the grandfather seems to know Lorraine better than anyone, even her mother. He is also her connection to a rich and deep history, something she seems to crave and revere. His coming and going seems to have a strong impact on her and leave her with something, although I’m not yet sure what it is.
There is a lot of beautiful language in this peace, and your use of wetness, snow, and precipitation creates a wonderful wet saturated feeling throughout. Lorraine has a great voice – I love that she’s fifteen and likes to use big words like “vestibule”, “sconces”, and “precipitation” even in dialogue. It’s obvious that she’s very aware and mature for her age. I got the sense that she’s trying to sound/act older than she is, but I wasn’t clear why or if I was just imagining it. Sy is a great character, and I like that he is described through the sun spots on his scalp, Moses/Miles David t-shirts, time spent in the war, band-aids on his arm, and a type-writer, among other things. I get a very vivid picture of him by piecing together this patch-work quilt of description. Lorraine, on the other hand, doesn’t feel as developed, and I want to see more of her. I love her interaction with her grandfather – we know she’s creative and articulate, that she wants the type-writer, that she cares deeply for Sy, that she’s Jewish, but I don’t get a clear sense of what she’s missing and what she eventually gets. In other words, I don’t see her change, and I’m not sure the reader knows her enough in the beginning to know what needs changing or to understand how she changes. I’m also curious about her parents…where are they? Why is she all alone in the house in the beginning and then suddenly a mom and siblings appear and are cooking dinner, talking, etc? Where’s the dad? I also felt like it was weird that the grandfather came and never saw Lorraine’s mom. He seemed to leave so quickly…did he have somewhere to go? Finally, I’m not crazy about the ending because I’m still left wondering what it was that she found, if anything. The mom asks if they found anything, they answer well, and I’m not sure if they have some inside understanding that they did find something or if they didn’t find anything or what.
I like you bringing back the wetness, and I like the photo album as a symbol for a remnant of the past that Lorraine’s afraid of losing. And I think the inclusion of the milk cartons is to show the reader that Lorraine now understands that material things are valueless and that everything can be given, received, and stored (preserved) on the inside. But I didn’t think it was clear enough, and the ending still felt unsatisfying.
Fabulous first draft chock-full of amazing stuff.
-Brodie
Sorry to post this so late!
Dear Michelle,
I understood your outer story to be about a girl who spends the day with her grandfather. I understood your inner story to be about Lorraine coming to understand the power of creating and maintaining memories.
One of the great strengths of this story is the voice. Your narrator is a precocious fifteen year old, and somehow, instead of making her sound like an eighteen year old who we’re told is fifteen, you manage to make her voice seem totally genuine and believable. I love the way you frequently combine two seemingly unrelated thoughts or observations and, in doing so, reveal so much about the characters and the situations. Lines like “My roof is falling in and next week is my grandfather’s ninety-first birthday,” or, “he shrugs with a monogrammed suitcase” are wonderful, because they tell me so much about Lorraine by showing me the things that she feels are connected. I’m not sure if this makes any sense, but suffice to say that I love the detail and style of your narration. I also think you did a lovely job tying the story together with the thread of memory, but doing so with a subtlety that lends itself well to your narrator’s uncertainty and sense of discovery. The relationship between Lorraine and Sy felt very real and tender, and I am very impressed by how economically you were able to develop such a touching relationship between two clear characters.
While I admire how much you accomplished in such a short space, I think that this story feels a little bit condensed, and would benefit from further development of the characters, relationships, and themes. It doesn’t matter to me that not much happens in the story: this is clearly a significant day for Lorraine, and I’d be interested to see more of it. It’s also strange to me that Sy only stays for a day – are his visits always this short? Finally, I was a little confused by the ending. The discussion with the mom about the photo album is great, but the empty milk cartons made me feel as though I was missing something (perhaps I was). Right now, I feel that this a story about a grandfather and a granddaughter, and I lose that a little in the final page.
Overall, I think this is really nice work. You have a very distinct writing style that I admire and enjoy, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Zach
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