Dear Matty, Picking Up has a fascinating structure that seemed, to me, to have the potential to deliver insights about self-identity, risk, obligation, and relationships in a really unique way. I read your outer story to be about an undercover cop that gets shot in a neck during a drug deal, who must move in with his brother after his medical bills become to large. I read your inner story to be about an undercover cop who’s lost his identity in the course of his job, and who is forced to reconnect with his brother after an injury drives him out of his work and adopted persona. I think that your narrator wants to find an identity that he’s comfortable with, and to be a person that other people like and admire as much as his brother is (appears to be) liked and admired. And I think that the narrator’s brother wants to connect with the narrator, and to feel like his brother likes him. I think you do a great job with the voice in this piece. The first-person point of view is essential, both so that we can hear the voice and so that we can see the narrator grappling with issues of self-identity. You let us dive into his head and see him wrestling with these issues, and you convey them with a voice that’s heavy on profanity and slang. It fits with the narrator’s line of work, and it adds credibility and interest to your story. I also like the dynamic that you’ve set up, where both characters inhabit lives that suppress their self-identities in favor of a constructed identity. In the narrator’s case, another identity is necessary so that he can catch drug dealers, and in his brother’s case, another identity is necessary so that he can sell more homes to clients/sell himself to the world. In each case, the characters seem to have made a conscious choice to become someone else, and they seem to recognize it, but also, to an extent, they seem unable to control what they’ve become, to recover the people they once were. I think that there’s a fascinating potential for them to recover their once-were selves through interaction, by drawing on their collective memories. I don’t think either one’s going to reach that stage on their own. I don’t think your story fully milks the potential of this structure. I think you start to show that the narrator’s adopted a persona that’s not his old one, but I don’t think we ever get a good sense of how the narrator used to be. The conversation at the end didn’t tell me enough—it started to, but beyond what the narrator did in high school, I don’t know what kind of person he was. In order to show the gap between the before and after, and to add meaning to his attempts to bridge that gap, I think you need to make the two personas more clear. Same goes for the older brother, if he was ever anything different. Or, if he was always a salesman, as the narrator implies, then I wanted to see what other potential he might have—to get a better sense of what the narrator thinks his brother could or should be. I also wanted more details sooner. Eventually I find out their characters’ professions, what happened with the shooting, their relationship, but a lot of this could come more quickly. There are also questions of consistency—what does the injury mean to the narrator’s future? We begin with a very optimistic prognosis from the doctor, move to numbness, and then chronic pain. Also, the reaction of the narrator’s co-workers feels off. I’d think that he’d be a hero. I’m not sure where the narrator came from before. Was he always living in the desert? Why didn’t the police station cover his medical bills? What did he do with his house? When does the move in become permanent? What does that dynamic look like day to day? I love the mind games that this story starts to play. It raises all sorts of questions about what someone should do for their line of work, and about whether there’s a difference between busting dealers and selling homes if both mean becoming someone else. I think that all of the structure is in place, and now I really want to see some more of the mind games/psychological evolution. I enjoyed the draft—I could see this becoming a movie, James
Matty, I perceived your outer story as being about a former undercover detective, Lawrence, who has been shot in the neck and is recovering; as he recovers he is staying with his brother Greg, a successful real estate agent who Lawrence despises. At one point, clients of Greg’s come over for dinner, and there is an awkward dinner conversation with the four of them at the table. After dinner, Lawrence is sitting outside when Greg comes out, and the two begin talking, somewhat opening up to one another. I perceived the inner story as being about Lawrence’s frustration—both with his current debilitating physical state (which has relegated him to a desk job at the police department) and his family, with whom he hasn’t talked to in years.
I really liked to characterizations of Greg and Lawrence, and the contrast in character and personality that you create. I especially liked the sign of Greg where he’s smiling with the fake, toothy grin—I can definitely picture this kind of fake, money grubbing asshole bent on success.
There’s just something about the voice that seems a little off—it’s as if you kind of totter between a more distant narrative or going into a full out, full blown voice inside the head of Lawrence. It’s more than just adding “fuckin,” “shit” —if you’re, you need to have him narrate as if he’s actually speaking in a stream of thought type manner. I also think you tend to overuse “fuckin” and “shit”—there are a couple of places where it seems kind of awkward and overdone.
In terms of his relationship with his family—I just didn’t buy the fact that after becoming an undercover cop, he would just completely reject his family and not talk to them for years. It just didn’t seem plausible that the job itself could do that to you; there could, however, be other things going on his life that, when combined with the nature of the job, would lead him to cut off all ties. Therefore, you need to give more reasons as to why this occurred—maybe some more back story would helpful—so the reader isn’t left to wonder how such a character could be compelled to make such a rash, seemingly irrational choice.
As for the ending, I was disappointed that it ended so abruptly, because I felt as though the two were finally getting somewhere in reconciling their pasts. However, when it ends, the reader is just left to wonder what will happen. I’m not convinced that Lawrence is ready yet to embrace Greg—or the rest of his family, for that matter—and let them back into his life.
Also just something quick: when you first introduce Greg, you might want to mention that he’s Lawrence’s brother (even when you say “…and always wondered why his older brother wasn’t anywhere near as pleasant or as sweet as he was” I wasn’t sure if you were referring to Lawrence or not). It wasn’t until Greg says, “you know if Mom knows yet” that it becomes clear.
Overall I think you’re off to a good start—good luck with your revisions.
The outer story of “Picking Up” seems to be Lawrence getting shot in the neck by a drug dealer he was trying to bust as an undercover cop and then having to live at his brother’s house because of medical bills. The inner story appears to be Lawrence succumbing to his false identity as an undercover cop and pulling away from his family before he finally loses it entirely when he gets shot in the neck. He has a deep-seated resentment towards his successful-real-estate-agent brother who also has to use a false identity for his job. The two eventually come together in the end, acknowledging their false acts and reuniting as brothers.
There are so many intriguing aspects of this story. I think Lawrence has an extremely strong voice full of slang and cuss-words that definitely shows you the nature of his acquired identity and that he has some kind of serious chip on his shoulder. The dynamic between he and his brother is fascinating, especially because of the fact that both are hiding behind false identities as a result of their occupations. This concept is a really smart one, especially because it completely applies to the world at large – are we all hiding too? Your descriptions of the landscape are often lovely. I especially like the scene with the rain when you describe the smell. It’s great.
Although Lawrence’s voice is strong, I felt like it was too negative. The reader doesn’t like him. Even at the end I didn’t like him. It seems like you’re trying to redeem him at the end of the story, but there wasn’t enough pre-asshole-Lawrence description to make me like him. Thus, he always seems whiney and pathetic, from the beginning to the end. What needs to happen to make us care about his breakthrough with his brother at the end is that we have to see Lawrence’s good side in his narration. He’s also talking in past tense (so I’m guessing after he and his brother make up) so his voice shouldn’t be so angry, but have a “changed-man” quality. He can still have the slang, but the constant hammering of negative voice just wears the reader out. It’s also limiting, as the reader is unable to see anything from any perspective other than Lawrence’s extremely negative one.
Giving us more of an idea of the old Lawrence will also help make the ending more climactic. As it is, it feels a bit weak and contrived. There’s also too much telling, even when it’s in dialogue. Greg says that Lawrence wasn’t always an asshole, but the reader doesn’t know that. The reader wants to see this in order to believe it. Otherwise their break-through doesn’t feel like a break-through, only a sappy conversation. Also, Greg is an interesting character, and I want him to be built up more – why doesn’t he have a family? Why does Lawrence hate him so much? Lawrence’s hate feels petty and ungrounded without some real incident or event to catapult him into this severe anger towards him. Along the same vein, the fact that Lawrence broke away from his family after becoming an undercover cop is not believable. Again, we need something serious to have happened…some backstory. This could be the same thing that caused him to hate his brother…I dunno. This will also help the reader to like Lawrence if they know that his attitude is grounded in something. Also, have him cuss less; it’s distracting.
Also, smaller details need to be addressed: what happened to Lawrence’s house and belongings? Why didn’t Lawrence get any kind of support from his co-workers after the incident? It just seems like he was completely shunned, which is unrealistic…no medical coverage, no honors…just a move to a lousy desk job where people treat him like a freak. I don’t believe it. We need to know more about his life at work – did his false identity alienate him from his friends at work too? Is he schizophrenic even (if you look up the disease, you’ll find that Lawrence could very easily have a minor case)?? That could explain a lot of things. Also, I feel like the effects of Lawrence’s injury need to be more consistent – the numbness and pain don’t seem to forecast much running and hopping in the near future. How long is he supposed to take the pills? How is he walking without any support if his legs go numb or hurt badly?
Finally, explain the situation sooner—the reason why Lawrence got shot; where he’s working; why he was moved to the desk job; how he’s getting around on his numb legs; why he’s such an asshole, even while narrating…these things would really help us get into the story.
Great draft…there’s so much great stuff to work with!
I understood your outer story to be about an undercover cop who is shot in the neck, moves in with his real estate-agent brother, and has dinner with his brother and two of his brother’s clients. I understood your inner story to be about Lawrence’s reconciliation and reconnection with his brother Greg.
There’s a lot about this story that I really enjoyed. The plot is interesting and clever, and you’ve managed to create characters and situations that are simultaneously unusual enough to captivate your reader and familiar enough to make the story ring true. I love the interactions between Lawrence and Greg; you really make them feel like brothers, which is terrific. The dialogue throughout the piece is excellent: it moves the story forward, it’s entertaining, and it helps develop the characters and circumstances. I think the way the narrator (Lawrence) talks about Greg is really great. You can sense the self-consciousness that underlies his resentment, and the use of examples and details (from high school to the billboards) all contribute to the reader’s ability to both sympathize with Lawrence and understand the bigger picture. I also really loved the dinner scene with the couple, and the way that the various characters interact with and react to one another in that context.
I felt that you waited too long to incorporate some of the backstory, specifically the information about how Lawrence got shot and the process of growing apart from his family. At times, I felt like I was reading in order to find out this information, and I’m not sure that’s the right driving force for your story. In a relatively gentle, character-driven piece like this, I’d rather know the information earlier and read on because I want to see the characters grow and change. Also, there were various passages where Lawrence’s narration became more vulnerable or sentimental or poetic, and while I’m glad these are included, they don’t quite work for me yet. Instead of giving me a more complete, sympathetic picture of Lawrence (which I think was the intention), they confused me because they seemed so contradictory to the identity he was presenting in the rest of the piece. The ending was another aspect of the story that didn’t quite satisfy me. Throughout the piece, I felt that this was a story about Lawrence, At the very end, however, it doesn’t seem like Lawrence has changed so much as his relationship to Greg. This is furthered by the fact that Greg is given the last word. If this is Lawrence’s story, I want more of a focus on his change at the end. If this is a story about the brothers, I think we need more of Greg’s perspective, even if it’s only filtered through Lawrence’s narration.
Overall, this is great work, Matty. This was a very absorbing and entertaining story to read, and the writing is very strong. I look forward to reading future versions of it.
The outer story of “Picking Up” is the series of events that occur after the narrator, Lawrence, gets shot. One (past) strand of the outer story is figuring out what exactly took place that night in July, the other (present) strand is Lawrence moving in with his brother, Greg, after medical bills pile up and interacting with the Thompsons at dinner. The inner story is about the brother-brother relationship and how Lawrence realizes that Greg is not the only one to blame for their estrangement, not the only one who acts.
I really liked the first-person narration here. Lawrence came through in that very first line and he stayed consistent throughout. It was an awesome choice to have him tell his own story because of his humor and just the way he says things—short but perfect: “Fuckin’ awkward asshole”—keeps the reader turning pages. His voice provides its own kind of movement. Also, with the first-person narration you set up the possibility of a slightly unreliable narrator and I really liked how at the end, we finally got to see both brothers’ side of the story and not just Lawrence’s. One way, though, I thought you could improve this effect you set up with not having Lawrence give the reader all the necessary details is slipping in more things, earlier on about who Greg is outside of his real estate personality. To some extent, you already do this subtly with Lawrence’s extreme judgments—feelings as strong as this bitterness Lawrence sometimes feels don’t come out of nowhere and it made sense to me that deep-down they were rooted in love and disappointment. But maybe I was a little too surprised that Greg was aware of his superficiality and also able to take off this personality because I didn’t see any hint of it earlier in the narrative. If there was one small incident in between his arrival and dinner with the Thompsons that just cast a little bit of doubt on Lawrence’s portrait of Greg, then I think the reader will be able to read the ending of your story with greater satisfaction. It just has to be a really small thing, like maybe Lawrence comes home one night to find the itchy couch covered in blanket or he shivers in his sleep and half-awakens to see Greg turning down the air-conditioner or something.
I admire how well-drawn even your minor characters were. That description of Irv Thompson, just that short paragraph, was perfect. He was there for me. Even Peg, with her careful looks to Irv, has personality. I also liked how that it was the Thompsons who bring about this great conversation between brothers. It feels a lot more natural that it should happen in this way and not of their own volition. One thing, though, that felt off during that dinner scene was just how much information Greg gives when he’s telling Lawrence’s story. It seems to me that the parts of the story which related to the family (which was, of course, important for the reader to know) like how they became estranged over the course of Lawrence’s undercover work weren’t necessary for the Thompsons to know, so it feels weird that Greg should tell them. I also was a little confused about whether or not Lawrence returns to the dining room and where he is when the Thompsons leave.
Other awesome things include these themes about acting and putting on a show that are in throughout the story (I love that they both acted in high school). I really liked the language thing, too, about how Lawrence has learned to pay attention to verbal cues. It makes the ending, with its repetition of certain phrases satisfying, but because I felt like we were just introduced to the language thing, I thought it could be even stronger if—as you did with the acting theme—you dropped hints earlier on. I really enjoyed reading your story, Matty. Thanks for sharing!
I think the outer story here was about Lawrence and the tensions that arise when he is forced to live with his younger and more successful brother, Greg, after Lawrence suffers a serious injury. The inner story concerns the walls that Lawrence has built up between his brother and himself, and his inability to really relate to his sibling. I think ultimately Lawrence has a lot of affection for Greg, but he buries under layers of antipathy and anger. Greg also seems to want to be closer to his brother, but he is constantly rebuffed. Your voice in this piece was strong, and I liked the consistency it maintained throughout. I think the profanity was believable (and how it became something that actually drew the brothers together at the end of the story). Some of the description was also really effective. For example, the description Lawrence gives of sitting in the hot Phoenix traffic really made me feel his pain. That passage had a wonderful tactile feeling to it. I also liked the description of Lawrence at work, and the weird discomfort that he senses coming from his co-workers. The scars on his neck that were constant reminders of his injury were also a good touch. Although I thought the central conflict of the story between Greg and Lawrence was quite interesting, I felt it was a bit too “simple.” From my own reading, I got the sense that Greg was a genuinely really nice guy. All the things we see him do objectively, such as taking his brother in, inviting an old couple over for dinner, and generally caring about his brother’s well-being, seemed pretty genuine to me. Lawrence puts a negative spin on them, but I never really felt Lawrence was anything but bitter. I think the story might be stronger if Lawrence, although still bitter and angry at his brother, would occasionally acknowledge that his own feelings aren’t really justified. Lawrence says of himself that he can “read people as good as anyone.” But he seems to be seriously misreading Greg. I think this contradiction can work in the story, but it needs to be acknowledged on some level. Alternatively, or in addition to that, maybe Greg could be a less squeaky clean guy. Maybe he has some serious flaws that Lawrence sees and exaggerates to justify his own anger at his brother. As the story stands now, I ended up feeling like Lawrence was just kind of an unapologetic jerk. I also would have liked to see more of Lawrence interacting with people other than Greg so we could get a better sense of his personality and character. He has such an antipathy towards Greg that it’s hard to get a sense of who he is. I think the dinner scene is a good way to get that across; maybe you could expand it to show more dialogue and action. Perhaps we could actually see Lawrence being awkward with some of his coworkers as well. I also wonder how the rest of the family relates to these two. I’d like a little bit more context for the characters. I think it might help somewhat if we learned that Lawrence was an undercover cop earlier in the story. We know right from the get go that Lawrence was shot, and we learn a bit later that he was shot by his dealer, and thus I had a picture of Lawrence as a very dark character. The fact of his having been undercover puts a new spin on things that I think it might be helpful to know about earlier. Finally, I wanted to know more about the other people in these brothers’ lives. I buy that Lawrence might be a loner because of his work, but what about Greg? Does he have a wife, kids, friends? Do these guys only have each other?
Matty: The outer story is about Lawrence who gets shot in the neck and has to move in with his younger brother, Greg. The inner story is how the brothers have drifted as a result of Lawrence losing himself in his undercover identity and how the gunshot saved the relationship. Lawrence seems to just want Greg to be “real.” He seems very unnerved by the “show” that Greg puts on as a real-estate agent (much like the “show” Lawrence continues to put on throughout the story.)
The first thing that jumps out about this story is the voice. It’s incredibly strong and evocative. I immediately know that Lawrence is rough and loud, but also intelligent and witty. You really take advantage of the first person point of view. I absolutely love lines like “Accolades all around and shit.” Just in Lawrence’s language, we recognize his character’s complexity. There are contradictory layers, and once Greg reveals Lawrence’s past, these layers make sense. I was also really impressed by your ending. I think endings are probably one of the more difficult qualities of a story, and to have found yours in your first draft is really a feat. We immediately feel resolution over the brothers’ relationship, but by relying on a connection over something more superficial, you avoid cheesiness.
The premise of this story is really intriguing. I begin the story, immediately wanting to know about the accident. This keeps me reading, but I never get impatient. I never get confused as a result of not yet “figuring it out.” I also think by avoiding back-story, you chose a difficult structure to reveal the past. 90% of the time, I was happy about this. However, at the critical moment when Greg tells all, I was disappointed. In this chunk of dialogue, I feel like the curtain has been pulled away to reveal the author’s intentions. I know you need to get this information across to us, and I do find it very interesting, but it felt so unsatisfying to have Greg tell us everything, in one paragraph, as we’re eavesdropping.
Lastly, sometimes I’m surprised by how self-aware Lawrence is. As a character who can lose himself in an undercover persona, I would assume he has a great capacity for repression. Yet, he acknowledges he may be growing an addiction to painkillers, and he readily accepts Greg’s accusations that he lost himself in his job, etc. At these points, I wished that we understood these things, but maybe Lawrence did not.
To me, the outer story is about an undercover cop who moves into his brother’s house after he gets shot and has money problems. The internal story is how Lawrence dislikes and is jealous of his younger, more successful brother, but how they eventually can reconnect by reminiscing about the past.
I really like how the tone of this story is strong and consistent. With the use of slang and curse words and abbreviating words, we get an idea of what it would be like to talk to the narrator. His attitude is so cynical, and he is so observant, so we get a great sense of how he takes in the world around him. His extreme loathing comes through both directly and indirectly. I love the slightly indirect description: “I hated the cold; heat was by far my favorite bit about living in the desert. Among my least favorite parts were ugly southwestern-styled couches and red-tiled floors like Greg had in his living room” (3). The reader knows exactly where Lawrence stands, and it comes through his dialogue, thought processes, and the language used for both.
Another thing I find really interesting is the tension Lawrence feels in his new everyday life. Watching how he has been influenced by the bullet wound and how he now interacts with people is so interesting, especially when we later find out that he was so sociable in high school. It’s great how he describes his wound as “a daily bonus reminder of my own mortality in the form of a chronic numbness from my calves down” (4), and how he notices so acutely how people can’t talk to him without focusing on the light patches of skin on his neck.
Something that could use a little tweaking is the dialogue, especially in the final scene with Greg. I think they both say important things, and a lot gets expressed, but the interchange doesn’t feel natural. For example, it seems strange that when Greg pours his heart out about missing his brother, Lawrence responds by attacking Greg’s artificiality. And when Greg explains the story of Lawrence to the Thompsons, I learn a lot of crucial information, but the way he does it, in monologue dialectic form like that, doesn’t seem quite realistic.
Another question I had was about why exactly Lawrence does think and talk with such an uneducated feel. While it is interesting, and makes him sound tough, I don’t quite know how it is justified. While the story says that he changes his way of talking based on who he’s with, it makes me wonder why he isn’t more perceptive and reactive to the people around him in this segment of his life – the part shown in the action of the story.
Overall, this is a really interesting look at how two brothers relate to each other, and how life’s crazy circumstances can change they dynamic within families. Great work!
I read the outer story as one in which Lawrence has to rebuild his life after being shot during an undercover mission gone wrong. He is unable to care for himself and return to his old line of work and is forced to move in with his brother whom he dislikes. The inner story was fascinating. I read it as Lawrence's struggle to deal with a world that he largely hates. However, it seems that until the end of the story, he is unable, or unwilling, to put his finger on exactly what is bothering him. In the end we find out that Laurence has lost who he really is/was, a fact that Lawrence finally recognizes with the help of his brother. We are left with Laurence and his brother beginning a reconciliation and hopeful for Lawrence in the future.
The voice in this story is very interesting. At first I was very confused. You will notice that I underline 'per se' as an inappropriate word choice on the first page, this was because it seemed very out of place with how Lawrence speaks. However, after reading the entire story and learning Lawrence's backstory, I understand the voice much better. I think it speaks to how well you have constructed this voice, that Lawrence never seems to lose consistency, an essential if you want to create a character that has essentially taken on a new character. This is sounding convoluted, but issues of selfhood and identity are complicated. One criticism, at times Lawrence's voice start to sound a little bit too much like Holden Caulfield. An example would be on page one, "He'd always smile, laugh and find some fuckin' magnificent common ground with anyone he talked to", or page six "He fucking loved that woman, an d didn't have to pretend to find her jokes funny or that he thought she looked like a twenty-something year old pin-up girl". This isn't a huge criticism, but most of the time Lawrence doesn't sound anything like Holden Caulfield and I liked those parts better. That Caulfield voice is so well-known and strong that it threw me out of the story because it reminded me of Catcher.
I really liked the last scene between the two brothers. It is full of emotion without verging on sappiness or melodrama. You do a very nice job with it. Lawrence seems to never realize that he is different from the man he used to be, we get everything filtered through his eyes, eyes that we learn are incredibly distorted. So when his brother tells him that he lost himself in his undercover identity, Lawrence realized this seemingly for the first time, which makes the moment incredibly powerful. If anything I think that you should further emphasize this realization.
I think that there is some busywork that could be done to improve the story. I think that we need to learn how Lawrence got shot sooner. I think that some backstory should be moved further up. For example, I think Lawrence shouldn't be so down on himself at the beginning of the story, he describes himself as a total loser, which he is not really, but we have no reason to disbelieve him. I agree with James that his coworkers should not be so wary of him. I definitely think that most of the information should be back-loaded, since that is where the force of the ending comes from, but little bits and pieces along the way would help.
This story is about a brother who projects a lot of his anger and unhappiness onto his brother. He spends a long time telling the audience how much he dislikes him and what a fake and shitty guy he is. He is ultimately confronted with the fact that his dislike for his brother and most of his current attitude are remnants of his undercover self. I think what Lawrence really wants is to be back doing undercover work. This story deals with part of his realization that that lifestyle was fictitious .He learns that it is over and he cannot return to it but he also learns that he doesn’t have to.
At first Lawrence’s voice seemed way too over the top. He throws fucks and shits around to garnish everything. This bothered me at first, but when I saw that this act he was putting on was just that, it made a lot of sense and I really enjoyed it.
One area of concern I had with the story is Lawrence’s injury. It didn’t seem debilitating enough for what he was doing to him. He is always taking these pills, but what he has is numbness. Is he trying to numb the numbness, or is he just taking the pills to get high? I wondered if he couldn’t also show more visible signs of it, does he limp? Does he ever fall? Why does he have a desk job exactly? I think that if he doesn’t have any real pain besides the numbness and neck scars, his self-pitying starts to seem selfish and makes me dislike him rather than give him sympathy.
On p. 8 where Greg explains to the thompsons (and us) what really happened, I thought it was strange that he becomes so candid and upfront. I wasn’t sure if this was showing that this is how Greg really is, and that Larry’s view of him is unnecessarily skewed, or what. I really enjoyed how Larry’s image starts to unravel on p.9 and up until the end of the story I was wondering if I could possibly catch a few glimpses of this earlier in the story. Like in the scene at the police office, I wanted to see what he would say to someone who actually came up and talked to him, someone who cared about him there. Greg is a really well done character because he is seen from two different gazes, Lawrence’s and later when his actual speech is shown, our own more objective gaze. I thought that earlier in the story, he could have said something more poignant to give a little clue as to the fact that he really is a good guy. Thanks for sharing, this was really entertaining. Michael
Matty, The outer story here is about an undercover cop who gets shot in the neck and then moves in with his real-estate selling brother. The inner story is the re-connection of two brothers. I thought that this first person voice allowed for some wonderful insights from Lawrence. He is foul-talking, yet also very insightful and thought-provoking. When Greg lets his brother stay at his house, I love that, “it was more like something he refused to not do” (2). It is a great nuance for Lawrence to pick up on and notice and also says a lot about their relationship. Similarly, I think the line, “I always took a little joy from how ashamed I made him feel” (3) is another example of a line that reflects their complex relationship. There is so much self-pity and self-depracation here on Lawr’s part, yet it is also a critique on Greg’s embarrassment and Lawr’s own purposeful infliction of that embarrassment. Along those same lines, I like how Lawrence puts the pill out on his desk at work so people won’t stop by, because he could sense their discomfort and stares and pity—he “could still read people as good as anyone” (5). I like the pride Lawrence has in this statement, yet also the self-pity once again. It is in lines like these that you create a complex and rich character. Interestingly, there is a lot of mystery in this story--you withhold critical pieces of information from us. Which, although I think creates a lot of tension, is more of a third person tactic. Why would Lawrence withhold this information? Why does he want it to come as a surprise at the end? And what does the surprising effect do for the story? It makes us reevaluate our conception of Lawrence, which I think parallels the way in which both Lawr and Greg reevaluate each other. I think it would help to know about Lawrence’s shooting earlier on. I want to see the understanding between these brothers grow--I though their reconnection came rather abruptly in the end. I love the moment where Greg tells the Thompsons what happened to Lawr—not only to we finally get to find out how it happens, but he find out through Greg’s point of view, which gives us an important insight on how Greg views Lawrence, his job and the incident in general. You make it clear how estranged the brothers are in the beginning, and I see them reunite at the end, but I felt that I wanted to witness more growth throughout the story, more of how they view each other. Do they get annoyed at each other? Do they start hanging out? I know that the Thompsons’ visit brings up Lawrence’s life, but why does that explanation cause the two to reach out to one another? Why does Greg finally confront Lawr about his life and attitude? I think their conversation is well-worded and dialogued, but I didn’t feel like I could get all the emotional impact that was it could have. How much do the brothers miss each other? Have they wanted to bring their estrangement up before? It seemed like they were close before, did Greg put up a fight when Lawr started doing undercover work and communicating less and less with his family? Why did Lawrence get so sucked into being a cop? Why was high school so different for them both? I want to know more!
I look forward to finding out more about these two, Katie
11 comments:
Dear Matty,
Picking Up has a fascinating structure that seemed, to me, to have the potential to deliver insights about self-identity, risk, obligation, and relationships in a really unique way. I read your outer story to be about an undercover cop that gets shot in a neck during a drug deal, who must move in with his brother after his medical bills become to large. I read your inner story to be about an undercover cop who’s lost his identity in the course of his job, and who is forced to reconnect with his brother after an injury drives him out of his work and adopted persona. I think that your narrator wants to find an identity that he’s comfortable with, and to be a person that other people like and admire as much as his brother is (appears to be) liked and admired. And I think that the narrator’s brother wants to connect with the narrator, and to feel like his brother likes him.
I think you do a great job with the voice in this piece. The first-person point of view is essential, both so that we can hear the voice and so that we can see the narrator grappling with issues of self-identity. You let us dive into his head and see him wrestling with these issues, and you convey them with a voice that’s heavy on profanity and slang. It fits with the narrator’s line of work, and it adds credibility and interest to your story.
I also like the dynamic that you’ve set up, where both characters inhabit lives that suppress their self-identities in favor of a constructed identity. In the narrator’s case, another identity is necessary so that he can catch drug dealers, and in his brother’s case, another identity is necessary so that he can sell more homes to clients/sell himself to the world. In each case, the characters seem to have made a conscious choice to become someone else, and they seem to recognize it, but also, to an extent, they seem unable to control what they’ve become, to recover the people they once were. I think that there’s a fascinating potential for them to recover their once-were selves through interaction, by drawing on their collective memories. I don’t think either one’s going to reach that stage on their own.
I don’t think your story fully milks the potential of this structure. I think you start to show that the narrator’s adopted a persona that’s not his old one, but I don’t think we ever get a good sense of how the narrator used to be. The conversation at the end didn’t tell me enough—it started to, but beyond what the narrator did in high school, I don’t know what kind of person he was. In order to show the gap between the before and after, and to add meaning to his attempts to bridge that gap, I think you need to make the two personas more clear. Same goes for the older brother, if he was ever anything different. Or, if he was always a salesman, as the narrator implies, then I wanted to see what other potential he might have—to get a better sense of what the narrator thinks his brother could or should be.
I also wanted more details sooner. Eventually I find out their characters’ professions, what happened with the shooting, their relationship, but a lot of this could come more quickly. There are also questions of consistency—what does the injury mean to the narrator’s future? We begin with a very optimistic prognosis from the doctor, move to numbness, and then chronic pain. Also, the reaction of the narrator’s co-workers feels off. I’d think that he’d be a hero.
I’m not sure where the narrator came from before. Was he always living in the desert? Why didn’t the police station cover his medical bills? What did he do with his house? When does the move in become permanent? What does that dynamic look like day to day?
I love the mind games that this story starts to play. It raises all sorts of questions about what someone should do for their line of work, and about whether there’s a difference between busting dealers and selling homes if both mean becoming someone else. I think that all of the structure is in place, and now I really want to see some more of the mind games/psychological evolution.
I enjoyed the draft—I could see this becoming a movie,
James
Matty, I perceived your outer story as being about a former undercover detective, Lawrence, who has been shot in the neck and is recovering; as he recovers he is staying with his brother Greg, a successful real estate agent who Lawrence despises. At one point, clients of Greg’s come over for dinner, and there is an awkward dinner conversation with the four of them at the table. After dinner, Lawrence is sitting outside when Greg comes out, and the two begin talking, somewhat opening up to one another. I perceived the inner story as being about Lawrence’s frustration—both with his current debilitating physical state (which has relegated him to a desk job at the police department) and his family, with whom he hasn’t talked to in years.
I really liked to characterizations of Greg and Lawrence, and the contrast in character and personality that you create. I especially liked the sign of Greg where he’s smiling with the fake, toothy grin—I can definitely picture this kind of fake, money grubbing asshole bent on success.
There’s just something about the voice that seems a little off—it’s as if you kind of totter between a more distant narrative or going into a full out, full blown voice inside the head of Lawrence. It’s more than just adding “fuckin,” “shit” —if you’re, you need to have him narrate as if he’s actually speaking in a stream of thought type manner. I also think you tend to overuse “fuckin” and “shit”—there are a couple of places where it seems kind of awkward and overdone.
In terms of his relationship with his family—I just didn’t buy the fact that after becoming an undercover cop, he would just completely reject his family and not talk to them for years. It just didn’t seem plausible that the job itself could do that to you; there could, however, be other things going on his life that, when combined with the nature of the job, would lead him to cut off all ties. Therefore, you need to give more reasons as to why this occurred—maybe some more back story would helpful—so the reader isn’t left to wonder how such a character could be compelled to make such a rash, seemingly irrational choice.
As for the ending, I was disappointed that it ended so abruptly, because I felt as though the two were finally getting somewhere in reconciling their pasts. However, when it ends, the reader is just left to wonder what will happen. I’m not convinced that Lawrence is ready yet to embrace Greg—or the rest of his family, for that matter—and let them back into his life.
Also just something quick: when you first introduce Greg, you might want to mention that he’s Lawrence’s brother (even when you say “…and always wondered why his older brother wasn’t anywhere near as pleasant or as sweet as he was” I wasn’t sure if you were referring to Lawrence or not). It wasn’t until Greg says, “you know if Mom knows yet” that it becomes clear.
Overall I think you’re off to a good start—good luck with your revisions.
-Nick
Matty:
The outer story of “Picking Up” seems to be Lawrence getting shot in the neck by a drug dealer he was trying to bust as an undercover cop and then having to live at his brother’s house because of medical bills. The inner story appears to be Lawrence succumbing to his false identity as an undercover cop and pulling away from his family before he finally loses it entirely when he gets shot in the neck. He has a deep-seated resentment towards his successful-real-estate-agent brother who also has to use a false identity for his job. The two eventually come together in the end, acknowledging their false acts and reuniting as brothers.
There are so many intriguing aspects of this story. I think Lawrence has an extremely strong voice full of slang and cuss-words that definitely shows you the nature of his acquired identity and that he has some kind of serious chip on his shoulder. The dynamic between he and his brother is fascinating, especially because of the fact that both are hiding behind false identities as a result of their occupations. This concept is a really smart one, especially because it completely applies to the world at large – are we all hiding too? Your descriptions of the landscape are often lovely. I especially like the scene with the rain when you describe the smell. It’s great.
Although Lawrence’s voice is strong, I felt like it was too negative. The reader doesn’t like him. Even at the end I didn’t like him. It seems like you’re trying to redeem him at the end of the story, but there wasn’t enough pre-asshole-Lawrence description to make me like him. Thus, he always seems whiney and pathetic, from the beginning to the end. What needs to happen to make us care about his breakthrough with his brother at the end is that we have to see Lawrence’s good side in his narration. He’s also talking in past tense (so I’m guessing after he and his brother make up) so his voice shouldn’t be so angry, but have a “changed-man” quality. He can still have the slang, but the constant hammering of negative voice just wears the reader out. It’s also limiting, as the reader is unable to see anything from any perspective other than Lawrence’s extremely negative one.
Giving us more of an idea of the old Lawrence will also help make the ending more climactic. As it is, it feels a bit weak and contrived. There’s also too much telling, even when it’s in dialogue. Greg says that Lawrence wasn’t always an asshole, but the reader doesn’t know that. The reader wants to see this in order to believe it. Otherwise their break-through doesn’t feel like a break-through, only a sappy conversation. Also, Greg is an interesting character, and I want him to be built up more – why doesn’t he have a family? Why does Lawrence hate him so much? Lawrence’s hate feels petty and ungrounded without some real incident or event to catapult him into this severe anger towards him. Along the same vein, the fact that Lawrence broke away from his family after becoming an undercover cop is not believable. Again, we need something serious to have happened…some backstory. This could be the same thing that caused him to hate his brother…I dunno. This will also help the reader to like Lawrence if they know that his attitude is grounded in something. Also, have him cuss less; it’s distracting.
Also, smaller details need to be addressed: what happened to Lawrence’s house and belongings? Why didn’t Lawrence get any kind of support from his co-workers after the incident? It just seems like he was completely shunned, which is unrealistic…no medical coverage, no honors…just a move to a lousy desk job where people treat him like a freak. I don’t believe it. We need to know more about his life at work – did his false identity alienate him from his friends at work too? Is he schizophrenic even (if you look up the disease, you’ll find that Lawrence could very easily have a minor case)?? That could explain a lot of things. Also, I feel like the effects of Lawrence’s injury need to be more consistent – the numbness and pain don’t seem to forecast much running and hopping in the near future. How long is he supposed to take the pills? How is he walking without any support if his legs go numb or hurt badly?
Finally, explain the situation sooner—the reason why Lawrence got shot; where he’s working; why he was moved to the desk job; how he’s getting around on his numb legs; why he’s such an asshole, even while narrating…these things would really help us get into the story.
Great draft…there’s so much great stuff to work with!
-Brodie
Dear Matty,
I understood your outer story to be about an undercover cop who is shot in the neck, moves in with his real estate-agent brother, and has dinner with his brother and two of his brother’s clients. I understood your inner story to be about Lawrence’s reconciliation and reconnection with his brother Greg.
There’s a lot about this story that I really enjoyed. The plot is interesting and clever, and you’ve managed to create characters and situations that are simultaneously unusual enough to captivate your reader and familiar enough to make the story ring true. I love the interactions between Lawrence and Greg; you really make them feel like brothers, which is terrific. The dialogue throughout the piece is excellent: it moves the story forward, it’s entertaining, and it helps develop the characters and circumstances. I think the way the narrator (Lawrence) talks about Greg is really great. You can sense the self-consciousness that underlies his resentment, and the use of examples and details (from high school to the billboards) all contribute to the reader’s ability to both sympathize with Lawrence and understand the bigger picture. I also really loved the dinner scene with the couple, and the way that the various characters interact with and react to one another in that context.
I felt that you waited too long to incorporate some of the backstory, specifically the information about how Lawrence got shot and the process of growing apart from his family. At times, I felt like I was reading in order to find out this information, and I’m not sure that’s the right driving force for your story. In a relatively gentle, character-driven piece like this, I’d rather know the information earlier and read on because I want to see the characters grow and change. Also, there were various passages where Lawrence’s narration became more vulnerable or sentimental or poetic, and while I’m glad these are included, they don’t quite work for me yet. Instead of giving me a more complete, sympathetic picture of Lawrence (which I think was the intention), they confused me because they seemed so contradictory to the identity he was presenting in the rest of the piece. The ending was another aspect of the story that didn’t quite satisfy me. Throughout the piece, I felt that this was a story about Lawrence, At the very end, however, it doesn’t seem like Lawrence has changed so much as his relationship to Greg. This is furthered by the fact that Greg is given the last word. If this is Lawrence’s story, I want more of a focus on his change at the end. If this is a story about the brothers, I think we need more of Greg’s perspective, even if it’s only filtered through Lawrence’s narration.
Overall, this is great work, Matty. This was a very absorbing and entertaining story to read, and the writing is very strong. I look forward to reading future versions of it.
Zach
Dear Matty,
The outer story of “Picking Up” is the series of events that occur after the narrator, Lawrence, gets shot. One (past) strand of the outer story is figuring out what exactly took place that night in July, the other (present) strand is Lawrence moving in with his brother, Greg, after medical bills pile up and interacting with the Thompsons at dinner. The inner story is about the brother-brother relationship and how Lawrence realizes that Greg is not the only one to blame for their estrangement, not the only one who acts.
I really liked the first-person narration here. Lawrence came through in that very first line and he stayed consistent throughout. It was an awesome choice to have him tell his own story because of his humor and just the way he says things—short but perfect: “Fuckin’ awkward asshole”—keeps the reader turning pages. His voice provides its own kind of movement. Also, with the first-person narration you set up the possibility of a slightly unreliable narrator and I really liked how at the end, we finally got to see both brothers’ side of the story and not just Lawrence’s. One way, though, I thought you could improve this effect you set up with not having Lawrence give the reader all the necessary details is slipping in more things, earlier on about who Greg is outside of his real estate personality. To some extent, you already do this subtly with Lawrence’s extreme judgments—feelings as strong as this bitterness Lawrence sometimes feels don’t come out of nowhere and it made sense to me that deep-down they were rooted in love and disappointment. But maybe I was a little too surprised that Greg was aware of his superficiality and also able to take off this personality because I didn’t see any hint of it earlier in the narrative. If there was one small incident in between his arrival and dinner with the Thompsons that just cast a little bit of doubt on Lawrence’s portrait of Greg, then I think the reader will be able to read the ending of your story with greater satisfaction. It just has to be a really small thing, like maybe Lawrence comes home one night to find the itchy couch covered in blanket or he shivers in his sleep and half-awakens to see Greg turning down the air-conditioner or something.
I admire how well-drawn even your minor characters were. That description of Irv Thompson, just that short paragraph, was perfect. He was there for me. Even Peg, with her careful looks to Irv, has personality. I also liked how that it was the Thompsons who bring about this great conversation between brothers. It feels a lot more natural that it should happen in this way and not of their own volition. One thing, though, that felt off during that dinner scene was just how much information Greg gives when he’s telling Lawrence’s story. It seems to me that the parts of the story which related to the family (which was, of course, important for the reader to know) like how they became estranged over the course of Lawrence’s undercover work weren’t necessary for the Thompsons to know, so it feels weird that Greg should tell them. I also was a little confused about whether or not Lawrence returns to the dining room and where he is when the Thompsons leave.
Other awesome things include these themes about acting and putting on a show that are in throughout the story (I love that they both acted in high school). I really liked the language thing, too, about how Lawrence has learned to pay attention to verbal cues. It makes the ending, with its repetition of certain phrases satisfying, but because I felt like we were just introduced to the language thing, I thought it could be even stronger if—as you did with the acting theme—you dropped hints earlier on. I really enjoyed reading your story, Matty. Thanks for sharing!
Jessamyn
Matty’s Picking Up
I think the outer story here was about Lawrence and the tensions that arise when he is forced to live with his younger and more successful brother, Greg, after Lawrence suffers a serious injury. The inner story concerns the walls that Lawrence has built up between his brother and himself, and his inability to really relate to his sibling. I think ultimately Lawrence has a lot of affection for Greg, but he buries under layers of antipathy and anger. Greg also seems to want to be closer to his brother, but he is constantly rebuffed.
Your voice in this piece was strong, and I liked the consistency it maintained throughout. I think the profanity was believable (and how it became something that actually drew the brothers together at the end of the story). Some of the description was also really effective. For example, the description Lawrence gives of sitting in the hot Phoenix traffic really made me feel his pain. That passage had a wonderful tactile feeling to it. I also liked the description of Lawrence at work, and the weird discomfort that he senses coming from his co-workers. The scars on his neck that were constant reminders of his injury were also a good touch. Although I thought the central conflict of the story between Greg and Lawrence was quite interesting, I felt it was a bit too “simple.” From my own reading, I got the sense that Greg was a genuinely really nice guy. All the things we see him do objectively, such as taking his brother in, inviting an old couple over for dinner, and generally caring about his brother’s well-being, seemed pretty genuine to me. Lawrence puts a negative spin on them, but I never really felt Lawrence was anything but bitter. I think the story might be stronger if Lawrence, although still bitter and angry at his brother, would occasionally acknowledge that his own feelings aren’t really justified. Lawrence says of himself that he can “read people as good as anyone.” But he seems to be seriously misreading Greg. I think this contradiction can work in the story, but it needs to be acknowledged on some level. Alternatively, or in addition to that, maybe Greg could be a less squeaky clean guy. Maybe he has some serious flaws that Lawrence sees and exaggerates to justify his own anger at his brother. As the story stands now, I ended up feeling like Lawrence was just kind of an unapologetic jerk.
I also would have liked to see more of Lawrence interacting with people other than Greg so we could get a better sense of his personality and character. He has such an antipathy towards Greg that it’s hard to get a sense of who he is. I think the dinner scene is a good way to get that across; maybe you could expand it to show more dialogue and action. Perhaps we could actually see Lawrence being awkward with some of his coworkers as well. I also wonder how the rest of the family relates to these two. I’d like a little bit more context for the characters. I think it might help somewhat if we learned that Lawrence was an undercover cop earlier in the story. We know right from the get go that Lawrence was shot, and we learn a bit later that he was shot by his dealer, and thus I had a picture of Lawrence as a very dark character. The fact of his having been undercover puts a new spin on things that I think it might be helpful to know about earlier. Finally, I wanted to know more about the other people in these brothers’ lives. I buy that Lawrence might be a loner because of his work, but what about Greg? Does he have a wife, kids, friends? Do these guys only have each other?
Really intriguing story,
Michael
Matty:
The outer story is about Lawrence who gets shot in the neck and has to move in with his younger brother, Greg. The inner story is how the brothers have drifted as a result of Lawrence losing himself in his undercover identity and how the gunshot saved the relationship. Lawrence seems to just want Greg to be “real.” He seems very unnerved by the “show” that Greg puts on as a real-estate agent (much like the “show” Lawrence continues to put on throughout the story.)
The first thing that jumps out about this story is the voice. It’s incredibly strong and evocative. I immediately know that Lawrence is rough and loud, but also intelligent and witty. You really take advantage of the first person point of view. I absolutely love lines like “Accolades all around and shit.” Just in Lawrence’s language, we recognize his character’s complexity. There are contradictory layers, and once Greg reveals Lawrence’s past, these layers make sense. I was also really impressed by your ending. I think endings are probably one of the more difficult qualities of a story, and to have found yours in your first draft is really a feat. We immediately feel resolution over the brothers’ relationship, but by relying on a connection over something more superficial, you avoid cheesiness.
The premise of this story is really intriguing. I begin the story, immediately wanting to know about the accident. This keeps me reading, but I never get impatient. I never get confused as a result of not yet “figuring it out.” I also think by avoiding back-story, you chose a difficult structure to reveal the past. 90% of the time, I was happy about this. However, at the critical moment when Greg tells all, I was disappointed. In this chunk of dialogue, I feel like the curtain has been pulled away to reveal the author’s intentions. I know you need to get this information across to us, and I do find it very interesting, but it felt so unsatisfying to have Greg tell us everything, in one paragraph, as we’re eavesdropping.
Lastly, sometimes I’m surprised by how self-aware Lawrence is. As a character who can lose himself in an undercover persona, I would assume he has a great capacity for repression. Yet, he acknowledges he may be growing an addiction to painkillers, and he readily accepts Greg’s accusations that he lost himself in his job, etc. At these points, I wished that we understood these things, but maybe Lawrence did not.
Fascinating premise, great sense of place,
-Michelle
Dear Matty,
To me, the outer story is about an undercover cop who moves into his brother’s house after he gets shot and has money problems. The internal story is how Lawrence dislikes and is jealous of his younger, more successful brother, but how they eventually can reconnect by reminiscing about the past.
I really like how the tone of this story is strong and consistent. With the use of slang and curse words and abbreviating words, we get an idea of what it would be like to talk to the narrator. His attitude is so cynical, and he is so observant, so we get a great sense of how he takes in the world around him. His extreme loathing comes through both directly and indirectly. I love the slightly indirect description: “I hated the cold; heat was by far my favorite bit about living in the desert. Among my least favorite parts were ugly southwestern-styled couches and red-tiled floors like Greg had in his living room” (3). The reader knows exactly where Lawrence stands, and it comes through his dialogue, thought processes, and the language used for both.
Another thing I find really interesting is the tension Lawrence feels in his new everyday life. Watching how he has been influenced by the bullet wound and how he now interacts with people is so interesting, especially when we later find out that he was so sociable in high school. It’s great how he describes his wound as “a daily bonus reminder of my own mortality in the form of a chronic numbness from my calves down” (4), and how he notices so acutely how people can’t talk to him without focusing on the light patches of skin on his neck.
Something that could use a little tweaking is the dialogue, especially in the final scene with Greg. I think they both say important things, and a lot gets expressed, but the interchange doesn’t feel natural. For example, it seems strange that when Greg pours his heart out about missing his brother, Lawrence responds by attacking Greg’s artificiality. And when Greg explains the story of Lawrence to the Thompsons, I learn a lot of crucial information, but the way he does it, in monologue dialectic form like that, doesn’t seem quite realistic.
Another question I had was about why exactly Lawrence does think and talk with such an uneducated feel. While it is interesting, and makes him sound tough, I don’t quite know how it is justified. While the story says that he changes his way of talking based on who he’s with, it makes me wonder why he isn’t more perceptive and reactive to the people around him in this segment of his life – the part shown in the action of the story.
Overall, this is a really interesting look at how two brothers relate to each other, and how life’s crazy circumstances can change they dynamic within families. Great work!
-Annie Jonas
Matty,
I read the outer story as one in which Lawrence has to rebuild his life after being shot during an undercover mission gone wrong. He is unable to care for himself and return to his old line of work and is forced to move in with his brother whom he dislikes. The inner story was fascinating. I read it as Lawrence's struggle to deal with a world that he largely hates. However, it seems that until the end of the story, he is unable, or unwilling, to put his finger on exactly what is bothering him. In the end we find out that Laurence has lost who he really is/was, a fact that Lawrence finally recognizes with the help of his brother. We are left with Laurence and his brother beginning a reconciliation and hopeful for Lawrence in the future.
The voice in this story is very interesting. At first I was very confused. You will notice that I underline 'per se' as an inappropriate word choice on the first page, this was because it seemed very out of place with how Lawrence speaks. However, after reading the entire story and learning Lawrence's backstory, I understand the voice much better. I think it speaks to how well you have constructed this voice, that Lawrence never seems to lose consistency, an essential if you want to create a character that has essentially taken on a new character. This is sounding convoluted, but issues of selfhood and identity are complicated. One criticism, at times Lawrence's voice start to sound a little bit too much like Holden Caulfield. An example would be on page one, "He'd always smile, laugh and find some fuckin' magnificent common ground with anyone he talked to", or page six "He fucking loved that woman, an d didn't have to pretend to find her jokes funny or that he thought she looked like a twenty-something year old pin-up girl". This isn't a huge criticism, but most of the time Lawrence doesn't sound anything like Holden Caulfield and I liked those parts better. That Caulfield voice is so well-known and strong that it threw me out of the story because it reminded me of Catcher.
I really liked the last scene between the two brothers. It is full of emotion without verging on sappiness or melodrama. You do a very nice job with it. Lawrence seems to never realize that he is different from the man he used to be, we get everything filtered through his eyes, eyes that we learn are incredibly distorted. So when his brother tells him that he lost himself in his undercover identity, Lawrence realized this seemingly for the first time, which makes the moment incredibly powerful. If anything I think that you should further emphasize this realization.
I think that there is some busywork that could be done to improve the story. I think that we need to learn how Lawrence got shot sooner. I think that some backstory should be moved further up. For example, I think Lawrence shouldn't be so down on himself at the beginning of the story, he describes himself as a total loser, which he is not really, but we have no reason to disbelieve him. I agree with James that his coworkers should not be so wary of him. I definitely think that most of the information should be back-loaded, since that is where the force of the ending comes from, but little bits and pieces along the way would help.
Dear Matty,
This story is about a brother who projects a lot of his anger and unhappiness onto his brother. He spends a long time telling the audience how much he dislikes him and what a fake and shitty guy he is. He is ultimately confronted with the fact that his dislike for his brother and most of his current attitude are remnants of his undercover self. I think what Lawrence really wants is to be back doing undercover work. This story deals with part of his realization that that lifestyle was fictitious .He learns that it is over and he cannot return to it but he also learns that he doesn’t have to.
At first Lawrence’s voice seemed way too over the top. He throws fucks and shits around to garnish everything. This bothered me at first, but when I saw that this act he was putting on was just that, it made a lot of sense and I really enjoyed it.
One area of concern I had with the story is Lawrence’s injury. It didn’t seem debilitating enough for what he was doing to him. He is always taking these pills, but what he has is numbness. Is he trying to numb the numbness, or is he just taking the pills to get high? I wondered if he couldn’t also show more visible signs of it, does he limp? Does he ever fall? Why does he have a desk job exactly? I think that if he doesn’t have any real pain besides the numbness and neck scars, his self-pitying starts to seem selfish and makes me dislike him rather than give him sympathy.
On p. 8 where Greg explains to the thompsons (and us) what really happened, I thought it was strange that he becomes so candid and upfront. I wasn’t sure if this was showing that this is how Greg really is, and that Larry’s view of him is unnecessarily skewed, or what.
I really enjoyed how Larry’s image starts to unravel on p.9 and up until the end of the story I was wondering if I could possibly catch a few glimpses of this earlier in the story. Like in the scene at the police office, I wanted to see what he would say to someone who actually came up and talked to him, someone who cared about him there.
Greg is a really well done character because he is seen from two different gazes, Lawrence’s and later when his actual speech is shown, our own more objective gaze. I thought that earlier in the story, he could have said something more poignant to give a little clue as to the fact that he really is a good guy.
Thanks for sharing, this was really entertaining.
Michael
Matty,
The outer story here is about an undercover cop who gets shot in the neck and then moves in with his real-estate selling brother. The inner story is the re-connection of two brothers.
I thought that this first person voice allowed for some wonderful insights from Lawrence. He is foul-talking, yet also very insightful and thought-provoking. When Greg lets his brother stay at his house, I love that, “it was more like something he refused to not do” (2). It is a great nuance for Lawrence to pick up on and notice and also says a lot about their relationship. Similarly, I think the line, “I always took a little joy from how ashamed I made him feel” (3) is another example of a line that reflects their complex relationship. There is so much self-pity and self-depracation here on Lawr’s part, yet it is also a critique on Greg’s embarrassment and Lawr’s own purposeful infliction of that embarrassment. Along those same lines, I like how Lawrence puts the pill out on his desk at work so people won’t stop by, because he could sense their discomfort and stares and pity—he “could still read people as good as anyone” (5). I like the pride Lawrence has in this statement, yet also the self-pity once again. It is in lines like these that you create a complex and rich character.
Interestingly, there is a lot of mystery in this story--you withhold critical pieces of information from us. Which, although I think creates a lot of tension, is more of a third person tactic. Why would Lawrence withhold this information? Why does he want it to come as a surprise at the end? And what does the surprising effect do for the story? It makes us reevaluate our conception of Lawrence, which I think parallels the way in which both Lawr and Greg reevaluate each other.
I think it would help to know about Lawrence’s shooting earlier on. I want to see the understanding between these brothers grow--I though their reconnection came rather abruptly in the end. I love the moment where Greg tells the Thompsons what happened to Lawr—not only to we finally get to find out how it happens, but he find out through Greg’s point of view, which gives us an important insight on how Greg views Lawrence, his job and the incident in general. You make it clear how estranged the brothers are in the beginning, and I see them reunite at the end, but I felt that I wanted to witness more growth throughout the story, more of how they view each other. Do they get annoyed at each other? Do they start hanging out? I know that the Thompsons’ visit brings up Lawrence’s life, but why does that explanation cause the two to reach out to one another? Why does Greg finally confront Lawr about his life and attitude? I think their conversation is well-worded and dialogued, but I didn’t feel like I could get all the emotional impact that was it could have.
How much do the brothers miss each other? Have they wanted to bring their estrangement up before? It seemed like they were close before, did Greg put up a fight when Lawr started doing undercover work and communicating less and less with his family? Why did Lawrence get so sucked into being a cop? Why was high school so different for them both? I want to know more!
I look forward to finding out more about these two,
Katie
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