James: The outer story is about a boy moving with his family from Ohio to a base in California. The inner story seems to deal with the boy’s insecurities in pleasing his father, and his dedicated affection for his mother. I feel like the outer story could do more for the inner story. The move to California raises issues of home, and the mother seems to be having difficulty adjusting. Why? How does this complicate the boy’s relationship with his mother? How does the move to California have an impact on the boy’s relationship with his father at all?
The rhythm of your story is really intriguing. I like how we jump around; it almost feels like the narrator has stared into the sun for too long. The dialogue also eliminates the narrator from having an active role. Even in conversation, he is lectured to, whether it comes from his father or Jane in chemistry. Could there be one character with whom the narrator does feel comfortable? For example, when his mother speaks to him, would it still take this form? I feel like she’s more eager to listen to him. Unless she has other reasons for being oblivious (depression?)
The premise for the outer story seems to rely quite heavily on how things were before as compared to how things are now. However, I have no sense of how Ohio was for the narrator (or the mother or the father for that matter.) I feel like the move is supposed to be a catalyst, but I’m not sure I see any change. When I’m given details about life in California, I have nothing to compare it to. I see what the narrator’s grades are, but what is this supposed to tell me? Am I supposed to assume he’s a mediocre student? Was he always a mediocre student? At the end, the narrator talks to the dog how I would presume he would love for his father to talk to him. We can understand these lofty ideas of love and pride, but then the narrator says, “it’s not Ohio, but it’s still something, isn’t it boy?” What is the significance of Ohio for the narrator? Fundamentally, what did he lose?
The external story in “Ohio” is a boy whose family moves from Ohio to California, and their adjustment there. To me, the internal story is about a boy who seeks approval/love/companionship from his parents and can’t get it, and feels out-of-place with peers, but ends up finding the companionship he needs with his dog.
Wow, I love how this story is structured. Each little snippet says so much and carries the story forward, and since they are meticulously selected vignettes, the reader knows to pay attention to each one. Also, there are themes connecting them to each other, keeping the story in one cohesive string. The structure pulls the readers in, and forces us to put the pieces together. It’s incredible how you convey so much complexity in such an efficient manner.
The dialogue in this story is fantastic; I love how so few words can say so much. It’s interesting how there are very few interactive dialogues, it’s usually more of a list, and yet the reader can understand so much about the dynamics of relationships by what is being said. For example, I learn that the narrator is awkward with people at school, just based on the kids’ questions towards him, especially “They said: acne; pizza face” (1), and “Jane, in chemistry, said: freak” (3). We learn how disappointed the father is in his son by his comments: “Run boy, he said. Join the football team, son, he said. Meet some girls, he said” (1) as well as the narrator’s portrayal of his conversation with Tom, the football star. We learn a lot about the father and mother’s relationship by short sentences like “We certainly have enough, Jed don’t you think it would be alright if he had a friend over?, she said. Don’t worry, I’ll talk to your father later” (2) and “She’ll adjust, Dad said” (5).
I think this story is pretty amazing as it is now, in this form. I guess I have just a few nitpicky comments. On the first page I’m confused by who “we” is: it led me to believe the narrator has siblings, but then they are never mentioned again. There is such loneliness throughout the rest of the story, and yet I am set up in this paragraph to believe that he is not alone, and that he experiences things with someone else. Easily fixable. One other thing that confused me during the first read-through was jumping in time. When the narrator talks about getting crew cuts and going to church, I wasn’t sure if he was talking about the Ohio base or the California base (or another one), and so I got confused.
Really, this is a wonderful story, beautifully told and complexly developed. Great work!
James, the outer story is about a boy and his family that have moved from Ohio to California. The father is in the Army, which is why they moved. In California, the narrator, who is obsessed with the military, gets made fun of at school and has a difficult time making friends. At one point he does a project for health class on cocaine. Later, Tom, the quarterback on the Pop Warner team, comes over to do a different project, but ends up just playing catch with the narrator’s dad the entire time. At the end, the narrator gets a dog, who he becomes infatuated with. The inner story is about the narrator’s inability to form a connection with both his father, who seems to be constantly disappointed in his son (as evidenced by his playing catch with Tom, saying things like “join the football team,” or “meet some girls”), and his peers, who make fun of the way he looks and dresses (“jean shorts, crazy,” “freak,” “pizza face”). Also the narrator seems unable to form a connection with his mother, though for me this only came out at one point in the story (“she would say: go out and play with the other boys. But she never said: would you like to join me for a walk”). Although it’s not clear due to the narrating style whether or not the narrator is actively upset about this, it can be inferred that he is just simply due to the fact that he mentions it.
The voice/narrating style is clearly the thing that stands out the most regarding this piece. It’s very emotionless, rigid and structured, with back and forth “they said:” or “she said:.” After having read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime I wondered at first whether or not the narrator had Asperger’s syndrome, simply because of the fact that he simply says things how they are, without any emotion or opinion regarding what people say or do. It seemed as though he didn’t know how to interpret social interactions, which is indicative of someone with Asperger’s syndrome. However, I can also understand the voice as coming from someone with a strict military upbringing—especially with regards to the formality in talk and action. Still, the voice at times seemed to go too far; the emotionless repetition (e.g. at the end “I would say, I would say, I would say”) struck me as unrealistic, even for someone that idolizes the military. I think its key strength, though is in its ability to bring out the main character—the simplicity in how he describes action and dialogue makes the narrator seem all the more vulnerable and pathetic. The fact that never, at any point, does he stand up for himself or express rage makes the reader sad for him and his situation. Sometimes an inability to express emotions can bring out the utmost amount of sympathy in others.
For as simple as the narrating style is, you do a great job interspersing details that give greater meaning to the narrator and this new place where he’s living. Little things like “our skin burned, turned red like hogs” or the F-18 and F-22 posters and Top Gun VHS were great.
I was a bit unsure how to interpret the ending. He’s clearly happy about his new dog and having a companion—but this still doesn’t resolve his relationship with his parents, or his inability to make friends. While the dog can act as a best friend I suppose, I’m not sure if the larger issue has been addressed, or if the narrator has undergone any sort of change.
Overall this is a very courageous and interesting draft; I enjoyed reading it. -Nick
I understood your outer story to be about the narrator’s life in a new home (presumably somewhere in California), after his family moves from Ohio. I understood your inner story to be about the narrator’s loneliness, and the eventual comfort he finds in his new dog.
As always, I love the rhythm of your writing. In this case, it’s the use of repetition and the clipped, incomplete sentences. This style and rhythm allows you to change subjects quickly, and this in turn gives the reader a sense of the overwhelm that the narrator must feel in his new home: there are so many things to learn about and adjust to, that there just isn’t time for any of them. I think this style is a good choice for your story, and I especially like the way you capture dialogue. One thing to be wary of: your rhythm is so strong that it’s very significant when you break out of it. In some cases, this seems like a deliberate and wise choice (the second paragraph, for example), but in many other places it’s distracting, and it pulls me out of the story. Overall, however, the rhythm and repetition are used very well.
There are a lot of wonderful details in this story. I love the opening section, in which “they” ask questions about Ohio. I like the way that the narrator’s parents are simply referred to as “he” and “she,” as though his whole world revolves around them. I like the details about the report on cocaine, and the crew cuts, and the mother’s beach walks. Ultimately, however, I didn’t feel like all these great details and images came together to create a full story. I wondered what was so important about the cocaine report, or about Jane, in chemistry, or about the narrator’s grades. I wondered why it was that his parents decided to get him a dog, and his sudden feeling of companionship and fulfillment following this gift felt forced and confusing to me. I didn’t believe that the dog was really the answer to all the boy’s problems, and I didn’t understand why I had been given all these other details if, in the end, all that really mattered was Scooter. There’s a lot that I really liked about this story, but a lot of it also felt incomplete to me.
The bottom line, however, is that you’ve created a compelling storytelling voice and a very real sense of loneliness, and I look forward to seeing what you can do with these two essential elements in place.
James, I see the outer story of this piece the difficulties of a family dealing with a move to a new state, while I see the inner story of this piece as a boy trying to find companionship and please his parents after a move to California in the 7th grade. Wow! I thought that this was very bold and creative of you--it is really fascinating to read an alternative story like this. I love all of the ‘they saids’ and the advice he gets from different sources on page one. I especially love the conversation between Tom and the father’s about football. I appreciate the economy of your words, and how those few short lines about sports tell us everything we need to know about the pride the narrator has in his father and his yearning for that feeling to be mutual. You also have some very vivid and wonderful descriptions that paint a memorable picture. I loved, “I would have to hop to the white painted lines to keep my feet from burning” (1) and that the narrator biked to the public library to find books on Cocaine. These are so specific yet so real and wonderfully vivid. As much as I think this innovative style adds a lot to this piece, I also thought there were spots when it took away from your story, or where I wanted more elaboration. For example, the narrator says that his Dad bought a Mustang, “when we moved out. A man’s car” (2). Suddenly, I am thinking the parents are divorced and the son lives with the father. This turns out not to be the case, but I am confused for a page or so, trying to figure out what is really happening. Additionally, I found the top of pg 3 particularly confusing. The narrator notes, “After the first haircut they said: is that for hunting?/ They said: did you kill Bambi’s mother?/ They said: do you want to join the army?” What are talking about here, a gun or a haircut? I think it is great that you force the reader to do a lot of work in this piece and figure out what is going on, but in these two places and in a couple others, I was unsure what you wanted me to understand. Minimalism can be powerful, but it can also be confusing, and I think just a little more explanation is all we need in a few spots. During a few points in this piece, you seem to take on a different voice. For example, on pg 4, the narrator says, “She would say: go out and play with the other boys. But she never said: would you like to join me for a walk?” This line seems overly aware and from the point of view of the narrator as a grown man. In other places you give us the parents’ voices without critiquing or analyzing them, and I think that is more effective and more realistic. I understand his parents don’t spend time with him and are harsh, whether they understand how it makes him feel or not. Our narrator can’t find solace in his family, but I don’t think he ever mentally articulates his grievances except on pg 4, and it seemed out of place and out of character. I would keep the story in the present, with his voice as a 14-year old boy throughout—seeing him struggle with his loneliness is most potent in that voice, I think. I thought that the end of this piece was lonely and sad and wonderfully poignant. This poor boy has no friends, and to make matters worse, his parents remind him of the fact repeatedly, can’t seem to understand his loneliness, and only make his sense of alienation more acute. It almost seems like a happy ending, but really, our narrator is still alone, and without companionship. His situation is better, because he at least has a pet, but I felt his isolation nonetheless, and I thought that was a perfect ending. I think this is such a strong story! I look forward to revisions, Katie
Hey James, I saw the outer story as being about a boy moving to California from Ohio with his family, and the adjustments that have to be made. The inner story was about the boy dealing with his own insecurities relating to his father and to fitting in with the different environment. In the end, he is able to find at least some comfort in the form of a dog, which seems to be his only friend and the only companion he feels a connection to. I really liked the different style of storytelling you used. It took a minute to get used to it, but the opening had clear enough bits of information that becoming acclimated wasn't a chore. The structure lent the tale a strange feeling of jumpiness that I felt was in line with the main character, and his sort of alienated, just out-of-touch feelings were felt all throughout. I like the more general themes you address in the story, and the structural filter you use gives them a unique and interesting perspective. The story as it is is pretty short, and I think my one piece of advice would be to make it longer, and to flesh out the sorts of things that are going on. I wasn't totally sure whether I was supposed to focus on the Ohio-California move or the dad's disconnect with his son, which is fine, but I think that the two could be related to one another a bit more or expanded upon with more content. I also would like to know the protagonist as more of a character- I understand the feelings he has, but I'd like to know the person who's having them. We don't really get to see what he was like before the move, and don't really see exactly how he interacts in his new environment, and I'd really like to know him as more than just a generic farm boy placed in a new environment, however real and interesting his emotions may be. I guess my main issue was that it felt like the story wasn't quite complete- you had my interest the whole time I was reading, so if you can extend the story using the same consistently great voice you've used so far (which I hvae know doubt you can), I think this could be a really great, and unique, story. -Matty
“Ohio” is about a junior-high school kid moving from Ohio to California and on the outer story level, it’s about the narrator’s weekly routines: school, crew cuts, dinners, and church services. The inner story focuses on the changes, or the narrator’s process of changing. He is receiving a lot of input about who he should be—they said (his peers), he said (his father), she said (his mother), Jane said (his crush), Tom said (his father’s ideal son), his report card said, the chaplain would say—and trying to figure out who he is, as a young man who is not on the Pop Warner football team, as a kid trying to fit in at school, as a son who feels unloved and lonely. In a way, the story is propelled forward by the reader’s desire to hear the narrator speak and react. It is incredibly sad, then, when we do hear his voice at the end and we know that he is talking to a dog, telling the dog all the things that he wants to hear: “Let’s be friends,” “I’m proud of you,” and “I love you.”
My favorite part of your story was its style and structure. I really liked the parallelism in these influential voices: They said, he said, she said. I think it’s an interesting and original way to connect the different parts of the narrator’s life and that your set-up gives the dialogue the appropriate emphasis and that habitual feeling, that sense that he is constantly surrounded and bombarded by these statements. Your stylistic choices in how you presented dialogue and time in this story create their own kind of movement. As a reader, I was drawn in by this first-person narrator who doesn’t really speak, by the subtlety and understated emotion in the piece. Because I think the dialogue structure is so important in delivering the significance of the story, I really wanted to see it used consistently throughout. For instance, I really liked the whole “They said:” that you set up in the beginning, so I wanted to see it when the dad spoke, not “Run boy, he said” but “He said: run boy” and when the mother spoke, not “Mother asked:” but “She asked:” and letting her calling him “son” speak for itself. And this is less important to me, but you may also want to consider keeping the number of statements constant. You start with four “X said:”-type statements, but most of the other statements happen in three’s. If you keep things consistent in the beginning, then it becomes a lot more interesting when you break this pattern—for instance, when Jane is pulled out from the “They” or when the narrator lets us in and says, “But she never said.” I also think that there’s this really cool play with time in your story, a tension between the messages he always seems to get, his routines, and the instances that are specific to a moment in time, instances that show a break of routine, like when Tom comes over to work on the English project. That said, I found myself a little confused by things like “Crew cuts every three weeks” that seem to imply that they’ve been in California a long time and “At home we were slowly unpacking.” These are simple things that I think you can just move around so that you start with specifically time-dependent things, like unpacking, and then move to habitual things like school, and then back to specific events if you want (if that makes any sense, I hope it does).
As far as characters go, I felt like I knew all the important things about your narrator, about this mass of peers called “They,” about Dad and his brand of machismo (I really liked how the tension about the narrator’s masculinity was developed throughout the story, that conversation with Tom just about killed me), and about Tom and Jane, but I was less sure about the narrator’s relationship with his mother and the mother’s relationship to Ohio and how these things work together. Mostly, she seems like she misses Ohio, but things like the long walks on the beach and the beautiful sea shells seems to imply that she likes California. One of the few moments when this narrator speaks is when he says that he doubts that she’ll adjust to California and I wondered why this was important. I totally got that she wished he had more friends and that he was more popular, but I felt like I was missing a key part of their relationship. I also wasn’t sure what to make of the chaplain.
I think “Ohio” is really inventive and unique. I am impressed by your range of style and how you managed to express what may have come off as stereotypical concerns of the growing boy in a new, textured way. Awesome. I look forward to seeing how you work with this great draft and its stylistic potential. Thanks for sharing, James.
I think the outer story here is about a boy from a military family who moves from California to Ohio. I think the inner story is about a adolescent’s attempt to adjust to a new situation and a certain level of culture shock, as well as his parent’s emotional distance. I think the narrator wants some level of companionship or emotional support, especially given his new environment, but which he can’t seem to find with his family or schoolmates.
I thought you had some really well-observed moments that captured the pain and awkwardness of adolescence. Lines like, “They said: jean shorts, crazy” and, “did you kill Bambi’s mother?” I thought got across the casual cruelty of kids. They also highlighted the narrator’s inability to fit in in California. I liked the contrast between the narrator’s military life and the public school culture. I also liked the style and tone of the story, which felt slightly removed and distant. I think the story might benefit from being told in the third person—as it stands now, I don’t think we’re getting any particular insights into the narrator’s character or thoughts from his telling the story, and he didn’t seem at all unreliable. When I was thinking about the story after reading it, I remembered it as a third person story. I think the third person would work more naturally here.
I also thought the narrator’s interest in flight and fighter jets was a good addition to the story, and I liked how it created another layer of tension with his father. I wanted to get a little more of this—what does the narrator see in flight that so appeals to him? Does he want to be a pilot? In general, I wanted to get a bit more of the conflict between the narrator and his parents, particularly his father. I got the feeling that the narrator was an introverted, shy person who wasn’t living up to his father’s expectations of “manliness.” I think this could be expanded upon to give the conflict in the story more depth.
There are some scenes in this story that I would have liked to see elaborated upon. I wanted to see more of Tom-Jed scene, and more of Jed in general. I think this conflict is really at the heart of the story, and colors a lot of who the narrator is. I wanted to get a better sense of what Jed’s rejection of his son means to the narrator, and how it affects him. I also think that the narrator’s relationship with his mother is significant. There was some sense in the story that the mother was having difficulty adjusting to life in California, but at the same time she seems to be pushing her son away almost as much as Jed. I think this relationship might be more interesting if it weren’t a carbon-copy of the relationship with Jed.
There were a few scenes here that I was somewhat befuddled by. Why are the narrator’s grades important? What do they tell us about his situation? Is he upset by them? Are his parents? I’m also not sure what the chaplain’s role in the story is.
Finally, I liked the conclusion to the story. It felt natural and real, but I think the narrator should have a little more autonomy in the story. Maybe he picks up a stray dog, or at least finds one at the pound. I think this final sequence could be elaborated upon to give it a bit more emotional resonance.
James, This story is about a boy who moves with his family from Ohio to southern California. His father is in the military. The story is about the boy’s problems, not only in trying to adjust, but also in relating to is father. The boy has trouble understanding other people and his environment. Thought that it could be called “Off Base” for all the weird stuff that is going on. The minimalist style in which this is written prompts me to examine every word line and stanza for significance. There is a lot to be discovered between the lines. The narrator appears to be writing from a long way down the road. His choice of detail is significant and more advanced than the fourteen year old subject in the main story. I am wondering why he chooses to tell this story. I get the feeling that something has gone really wrong in his life, and he is relating this section in terse and fragmented memory in order to partially explain it. This fragmentary nature gives me a sense that something terrible is going to happen or has happened within this story. There is a very interesting line that added to this for me and that is “we did presentations on dangerous substances, I did cocaine. This seems to be a deliberate double line. I am wondering if this story could be an explanation for the author’s possible drug habit. He uses this story about Camp Pendleton to subtly show this. The narrator has problems with his father. Nearly every line about him seems to drip with this repressed feelings of hatred. The move, the crew cut, even his dad’s advice all has bad consequences for the narrator. Also, he feels that whatever he does will never be adequate. The father constantly talks about a “real man” and the boy struggles with whether he will ever become this. The scene with Tom is well done, it really conveys this idea and the author’s pain. I thought that more could be brought out in the scene where the mother asks if the boy wants to have anyone over for dinner. I don’t understand it right now, is it before or during dinner? I think that a scene at the table with both mother and father could greatly further the dynamic between them.(as in the later line, “she’ll adjust.”) Maybe the dad talks about things he did as a kid or something. The mom seems to be trying to help the boy. However, I get this sense of alienation from her, too in the middle stanza of p 4. She won’t ask him to come on a walk with her. Why not? Is she sad too? I think this point is extremely significant, but I cannot figure it out. The mom adds a very important piece to this story that is missing right now, this might also be a good space to do it. I don’t know what to make of the boy’s grades. I don’t know why they are there. What are they trying to show me. I think that this detail could be given relevance with even just a few lines. My main question was how did dad react to the grades? The dog was a very nice addition. I liked that the boy seemingly spends all his time with it and it is his only friend. He even talks to it, saying the things that he himself wants to hear. This part seemed a little too, happy though. I wanted more of all the bad things in the background to somehow show through more. I would think that his dad said something about the dog. Every aspect of this childhood is somehow tainted with bad feelings of the father and I don’t believe that even scooter can escape. Interesting choice in narration, this story made me work a little harder but I enjoyed it.
The outer story is about a little boy moving from Ohio to a base in California with his family. The inner story is about the boy’s insecurities and alienation from his family and peers. In the end, he finds a friend and companion with his dog, which is both touching and terribly sad because he is still unable to receive the love and affection he gives to the dog. The reader ends the story glad that the boy has a friend but still anxious for his happiness in a strange new place where other people reject him.
This story really moved me. I left it with a big ol’ knot in my stomach, so there’s something good happening here. The way you begin with the “They said…” and then continue to bring those fragmented almost poetic stanzas into the story on occasion just works – not only does it add beautifully to the rhythm of the story but it reflect the isolation the boy feels, and the fragmented lines reflect his lonely confused quality of life in California. You do an incredible job of showing and explaining without directly telling…for instance, the way you explain that his dad is in the army by describing the crew cuts and the army base. You never said “my dad’s in the military”, which is important. The reader sees that this boy is incredibly observant and smart, although he is hurt, lonely, and insecure. Your voice really shows us who this boy is. I think the dog is a great touch. I was amazed that I didn’t feel manipulated or feel that the ending was cheesy. You made it real and very honest, which is impressive.
One thing I wish there was more of was backstory or at least a more balanced ratio between the little boy’s life in California compared to how it was in Ohio…especially because you title the story “Ohio”, I expect to develop a stronger connection to that place. But I can’t envision it, and I don’t know how that life was different to the boy’s life in California. Did something happen to make his dad colder? I’m really intrigued about the mother because she seems depressed and aloof, almost like the move to California has broken her somehow. Also, when she says “I’ll talk to your father later” I got the sense that she was too scared of the father to confront him at the dinner table in person. I wondered if the father was maybe abusive, or that at least their relationship was seriously on the rocks. But I had to guess, and I would really like to see you show that to us more. The dad really came through, but I’d like to see him more as a husband as well as a father. In addition, while I like your fragmented voice, it seems to be leaving out details that would make the story richer and more vivid – what’s the school like, his teachers, the kids? The reader gets a vague sense of what it’s like to be at the boy’s new school and to be rejected by his peers, but it would be nice to see the school more and the other places and experiences that the boy encounters.
I read the outer story of “Ohio” as being about a young boy, whose father is a military officer, and his families move from Ohio to a sunny locale (I think California), where the boy starts at a new school at which he doesn’t seem to fit in. The inner story was one in which the protagonist has significant daddy issues. His father seems like the abrasive, macho military type and takes a very gruff and distant approach to parenting his son, which it seems that the son interprets as his father not caring much for him. The son feels like he is not living up to his father’s expectations. In the end, the boy gets a dog and seems to want to be a better master to the dog than his father was to him, an interesting contrast.
Voice: I thought that the voice and style of this story were fascinating and very well done. It has some stream of consciousness elements, as in how the voice represents dialogue and how at times the voice seems to be not speaking to anyone in particular, just existing. An example would be the boy’s report card. Rather than ‘my report card came in, I had…’, it says “Report cards for the semester came” and presents the grades. However, at times it also functions somewhat like a straight-forward first person narrative, as in the second paragraph on the first page. I thought that both the stream of consciousness and first-person voices were very well done, however, if forced to choose one (and I think you should) I would take the stream of consciousness voice. I think that this story would be great told entirely in this manner. I really enjoyed how unfiltered everything felt, rather than getting an interpretation of an event and further filtering that event by hearing it through a narrator’s voice, I felt like I was just getting an internal interpretation that I could trust. I felt like a lot of what I was hearing the stream of consciousness voice talk about were quotations, even thought they weren’t attributed to anybody in particular. The thoughts were just being repeated as they were received. An example would be on page 3, “One of the most dangerous activities known to man was landing on the deck of an aircraft carrier”. This doesn’t sound like the narrator’s voice at all, it is just his mind parroting back something that obviously had a great impact upon him. Writing in a stream of consciousness style scares the hell out of me, but you do a great job with it, I say go for it all the way.
11 comments:
James:
The outer story is about a boy moving with his family from Ohio to a base in California. The inner story seems to deal with the boy’s insecurities in pleasing his father, and his dedicated affection for his mother. I feel like the outer story could do more for the inner story. The move to California raises issues of home, and the mother seems to be having difficulty adjusting. Why? How does this complicate the boy’s relationship with his mother? How does the move to California have an impact on the boy’s relationship with his father at all?
The rhythm of your story is really intriguing. I like how we jump around; it almost feels like the narrator has stared into the sun for too long. The dialogue also eliminates the narrator from having an active role. Even in conversation, he is lectured to, whether it comes from his father or Jane in chemistry. Could there be one character with whom the narrator does feel comfortable? For example, when his mother speaks to him, would it still take this form? I feel like she’s more eager to listen to him. Unless she has other reasons for being oblivious (depression?)
The premise for the outer story seems to rely quite heavily on how things were before as compared to how things are now. However, I have no sense of how Ohio was for the narrator (or the mother or the father for that matter.) I feel like the move is supposed to be a catalyst, but I’m not sure I see any change. When I’m given details about life in California, I have nothing to compare it to. I see what the narrator’s grades are, but what is this supposed to tell me? Am I supposed to assume he’s a mediocre student? Was he always a mediocre student? At the end, the narrator talks to the dog how I would presume he would love for his father to talk to him. We can understand these lofty ideas of love and pride, but then the narrator says, “it’s not Ohio, but it’s still something, isn’t it boy?” What is the significance of Ohio for the narrator? Fundamentally, what did he lose?
Really interesting first draft,
-Michelle
Dear James,
The external story in “Ohio” is a boy whose family moves from Ohio to California, and their adjustment there. To me, the internal story is about a boy who seeks approval/love/companionship from his parents and can’t get it, and feels out-of-place with peers, but ends up finding the companionship he needs with his dog.
Wow, I love how this story is structured. Each little snippet says so much and carries the story forward, and since they are meticulously selected vignettes, the reader knows to pay attention to each one. Also, there are themes connecting them to each other, keeping the story in one cohesive string. The structure pulls the readers in, and forces us to put the pieces together. It’s incredible how you convey so much complexity in such an efficient manner.
The dialogue in this story is fantastic; I love how so few words can say so much. It’s interesting how there are very few interactive dialogues, it’s usually more of a list, and yet the reader can understand so much about the dynamics of relationships by what is being said. For example, I learn that the narrator is awkward with people at school, just based on the kids’ questions towards him, especially “They said: acne; pizza face” (1), and “Jane, in chemistry, said: freak” (3). We learn how disappointed the father is in his son by his comments: “Run boy, he said. Join the football team, son, he said. Meet some girls, he said” (1) as well as the narrator’s portrayal of his conversation with Tom, the football star. We learn a lot about the father and mother’s relationship by short sentences like “We certainly have enough, Jed don’t you think it would be alright if he had a friend over?, she said. Don’t worry, I’ll talk to your father later” (2) and “She’ll adjust, Dad said” (5).
I think this story is pretty amazing as it is now, in this form. I guess I have just a few nitpicky comments. On the first page I’m confused by who “we” is: it led me to believe the narrator has siblings, but then they are never mentioned again. There is such loneliness throughout the rest of the story, and yet I am set up in this paragraph to believe that he is not alone, and that he experiences things with someone else. Easily fixable. One other thing that confused me during the first read-through was jumping in time. When the narrator talks about getting crew cuts and going to church, I wasn’t sure if he was talking about the Ohio base or the California base (or another one), and so I got confused.
Really, this is a wonderful story, beautifully told and complexly developed. Great work!
-Annie Jonas
James, the outer story is about a boy and his family that have moved from Ohio to California. The father is in the Army, which is why they moved. In California, the narrator, who is obsessed with the military, gets made fun of at school and has a difficult time making friends. At one point he does a project for health class on cocaine. Later, Tom, the quarterback on the Pop Warner team, comes over to do a different project, but ends up just playing catch with the narrator’s dad the entire time. At the end, the narrator gets a dog, who he becomes infatuated with. The inner story is about the narrator’s inability to form a connection with both his father, who seems to be constantly disappointed in his son (as evidenced by his playing catch with Tom, saying things like “join the football team,” or “meet some girls”), and his peers, who make fun of the way he looks and dresses (“jean shorts, crazy,” “freak,” “pizza face”). Also the narrator seems unable to form a connection with his mother, though for me this only came out at one point in the story (“she would say: go out and play with the other boys. But she never said: would you like to join me for a walk”). Although it’s not clear due to the narrating style whether or not the narrator is actively upset about this, it can be inferred that he is just simply due to the fact that he mentions it.
The voice/narrating style is clearly the thing that stands out the most regarding this piece. It’s very emotionless, rigid and structured, with back and forth “they said:” or “she said:.” After having read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime I wondered at first whether or not the narrator had Asperger’s syndrome, simply because of the fact that he simply says things how they are, without any emotion or opinion regarding what people say or do. It seemed as though he didn’t know how to interpret social interactions, which is indicative of someone with Asperger’s syndrome. However, I can also understand the voice as coming from someone with a strict military upbringing—especially with regards to the formality in talk and action. Still, the voice at times seemed to go too far; the emotionless repetition (e.g. at the end “I would say, I would say, I would say”) struck me as unrealistic, even for someone that idolizes the military. I think its key strength, though is in its ability to bring out the main character—the simplicity in how he describes action and dialogue makes the narrator seem all the more vulnerable and pathetic. The fact that never, at any point, does he stand up for himself or express rage makes the reader sad for him and his situation. Sometimes an inability to express emotions can bring out the utmost amount of sympathy in others.
For as simple as the narrating style is, you do a great job interspersing details that give greater meaning to the narrator and this new place where he’s living. Little things like “our skin burned, turned red like hogs” or the F-18 and F-22 posters and Top Gun VHS were great.
I was a bit unsure how to interpret the ending. He’s clearly happy about his new dog and having a companion—but this still doesn’t resolve his relationship with his parents, or his inability to make friends. While the dog can act as a best friend I suppose, I’m not sure if the larger issue has been addressed, or if the narrator has undergone any sort of change.
Overall this is a very courageous and interesting draft; I enjoyed reading it.
-Nick
Dear James,
I understood your outer story to be about the narrator’s life in a new home (presumably somewhere in California), after his family moves from Ohio. I understood your inner story to be about the narrator’s loneliness, and the eventual comfort he finds in his new dog.
As always, I love the rhythm of your writing. In this case, it’s the use of repetition and the clipped, incomplete sentences. This style and rhythm allows you to change subjects quickly, and this in turn gives the reader a sense of the overwhelm that the narrator must feel in his new home: there are so many things to learn about and adjust to, that there just isn’t time for any of them. I think this style is a good choice for your story, and I especially like the way you capture dialogue. One thing to be wary of: your rhythm is so strong that it’s very significant when you break out of it. In some cases, this seems like a deliberate and wise choice (the second paragraph, for example), but in many other places it’s distracting, and it pulls me out of the story. Overall, however, the rhythm and repetition are used very well.
There are a lot of wonderful details in this story. I love the opening section, in which “they” ask questions about Ohio. I like the way that the narrator’s parents are simply referred to as “he” and “she,” as though his whole world revolves around them. I like the details about the report on cocaine, and the crew cuts, and the mother’s beach walks. Ultimately, however, I didn’t feel like all these great details and images came together to create a full story. I wondered what was so important about the cocaine report, or about Jane, in chemistry, or about the narrator’s grades. I wondered why it was that his parents decided to get him a dog, and his sudden feeling of companionship and fulfillment following this gift felt forced and confusing to me. I didn’t believe that the dog was really the answer to all the boy’s problems, and I didn’t understand why I had been given all these other details if, in the end, all that really mattered was Scooter. There’s a lot that I really liked about this story, but a lot of it also felt incomplete to me.
The bottom line, however, is that you’ve created a compelling storytelling voice and a very real sense of loneliness, and I look forward to seeing what you can do with these two essential elements in place.
Zach
James,
I see the outer story of this piece the difficulties of a family dealing with a move to a new state, while I see the inner story of this piece as a boy trying to find companionship and please his parents after a move to California in the 7th grade.
Wow! I thought that this was very bold and creative of you--it is really fascinating to read an alternative story like this. I love all of the ‘they saids’ and the advice he gets from different sources on page one. I especially love the conversation between Tom and the father’s about football. I appreciate the economy of your words, and how those few short lines about sports tell us everything we need to know about the pride the narrator has in his father and his yearning for that feeling to be mutual. You also have some very vivid and wonderful descriptions that paint a memorable picture. I loved, “I would have to hop to the white painted lines to keep my feet from burning” (1) and that the narrator biked to the public library to find books on Cocaine. These are so specific yet so real and wonderfully vivid.
As much as I think this innovative style adds a lot to this piece, I also thought there were spots when it took away from your story, or where I wanted more elaboration. For example, the narrator says that his Dad bought a Mustang, “when we moved out. A man’s car” (2). Suddenly, I am thinking the parents are divorced and the son lives with the father. This turns out not to be the case, but I am confused for a page or so, trying to figure out what is really happening. Additionally, I found the top of pg 3 particularly confusing. The narrator notes, “After the first haircut they said: is that for hunting?/ They said: did you kill Bambi’s mother?/ They said: do you want to join the army?” What are talking about here, a gun or a haircut? I think it is great that you force the reader to do a lot of work in this piece and figure out what is going on, but in these two places and in a couple others, I was unsure what you wanted me to understand. Minimalism can be powerful, but it can also be confusing, and I think just a little more explanation is all we need in a few spots.
During a few points in this piece, you seem to take on a different voice. For example, on pg 4, the narrator says, “She would say: go out and play with the other boys. But she never said: would you like to join me for a walk?” This line seems overly aware and from the point of view of the narrator as a grown man. In other places you give us the parents’ voices without critiquing or analyzing them, and I think that is more effective and more realistic. I understand his parents don’t spend time with him and are harsh, whether they understand how it makes him feel or not. Our narrator can’t find solace in his family, but I don’t think he ever mentally articulates his grievances except on pg 4, and it seemed out of place and out of character. I would keep the story in the present, with his voice as a 14-year old boy throughout—seeing him struggle with his loneliness is most potent in that voice, I think.
I thought that the end of this piece was lonely and sad and wonderfully poignant. This poor boy has no friends, and to make matters worse, his parents remind him of the fact repeatedly, can’t seem to understand his loneliness, and only make his sense of alienation more acute. It almost seems like a happy ending, but really, our narrator is still alone, and without companionship. His situation is better, because he at least has a pet, but I felt his isolation nonetheless, and I thought that was a perfect ending.
I think this is such a strong story! I look forward to revisions,
Katie
Hey James,
I saw the outer story as being about a boy moving to California from Ohio with his family, and the adjustments that have to be made. The inner story was about the boy dealing with his own insecurities relating to his father and to fitting in with the different environment. In the end, he is able to find at least some comfort in the form of a dog, which seems to be his only friend and the only companion he feels a connection to.
I really liked the different style of storytelling you used. It took a minute to get used to it, but the opening had clear enough bits of information that becoming acclimated wasn't a chore. The structure lent the tale a strange feeling of jumpiness that I felt was in line with the main character, and his sort of alienated, just out-of-touch feelings were felt all throughout. I like the more general themes you address in the story, and the structural filter you use gives them a unique and interesting perspective.
The story as it is is pretty short, and I think my one piece of advice would be to make it longer, and to flesh out the sorts of things that are going on. I wasn't totally sure whether I was supposed to focus on the Ohio-California move or the dad's disconnect with his son, which is fine, but I think that the two could be related to one another a bit more or expanded upon with more content. I also would like to know the protagonist as more of a character- I understand the feelings he has, but I'd like to know the person who's having them. We don't really get to see what he was like before the move, and don't really see exactly how he interacts in his new environment, and I'd really like to know him as more than just a generic farm boy placed in a new environment, however real and interesting his emotions may be.
I guess my main issue was that it felt like the story wasn't quite complete- you had my interest the whole time I was reading, so if you can extend the story using the same consistently great voice you've used so far (which I hvae know doubt you can), I think this could be a really great, and unique, story.
-Matty
Dear James,
“Ohio” is about a junior-high school kid moving from Ohio to California and on the outer story level, it’s about the narrator’s weekly routines: school, crew cuts, dinners, and church services. The inner story focuses on the changes, or the narrator’s process of changing. He is receiving a lot of input about who he should be—they said (his peers), he said (his father), she said (his mother), Jane said (his crush), Tom said (his father’s ideal son), his report card said, the chaplain would say—and trying to figure out who he is, as a young man who is not on the Pop Warner football team, as a kid trying to fit in at school, as a son who feels unloved and lonely. In a way, the story is propelled forward by the reader’s desire to hear the narrator speak and react. It is incredibly sad, then, when we do hear his voice at the end and we know that he is talking to a dog, telling the dog all the things that he wants to hear: “Let’s be friends,” “I’m proud of you,” and “I love you.”
My favorite part of your story was its style and structure. I really liked the parallelism in these influential voices: They said, he said, she said. I think it’s an interesting and original way to connect the different parts of the narrator’s life and that your set-up gives the dialogue the appropriate emphasis and that habitual feeling, that sense that he is constantly surrounded and bombarded by these statements. Your stylistic choices in how you presented dialogue and time in this story create their own kind of movement. As a reader, I was drawn in by this first-person narrator who doesn’t really speak, by the subtlety and understated emotion in the piece. Because I think the dialogue structure is so important in delivering the significance of the story, I really wanted to see it used consistently throughout. For instance, I really liked the whole “They said:” that you set up in the beginning, so I wanted to see it when the dad spoke, not “Run boy, he said” but “He said: run boy” and when the mother spoke, not “Mother asked:” but “She asked:” and letting her calling him “son” speak for itself. And this is less important to me, but you may also want to consider keeping the number of statements constant. You start with four “X said:”-type statements, but most of the other statements happen in three’s. If you keep things consistent in the beginning, then it becomes a lot more interesting when you break this pattern—for instance, when Jane is pulled out from the “They” or when the narrator lets us in and says, “But she never said.” I also think that there’s this really cool play with time in your story, a tension between the messages he always seems to get, his routines, and the instances that are specific to a moment in time, instances that show a break of routine, like when Tom comes over to work on the English project. That said, I found myself a little confused by things like “Crew cuts every three weeks” that seem to imply that they’ve been in California a long time and “At home we were slowly unpacking.” These are simple things that I think you can just move around so that you start with specifically time-dependent things, like unpacking, and then move to habitual things like school, and then back to specific events if you want (if that makes any sense, I hope it does).
As far as characters go, I felt like I knew all the important things about your narrator, about this mass of peers called “They,” about Dad and his brand of machismo (I really liked how the tension about the narrator’s masculinity was developed throughout the story, that conversation with Tom just about killed me), and about Tom and Jane, but I was less sure about the narrator’s relationship with his mother and the mother’s relationship to Ohio and how these things work together. Mostly, she seems like she misses Ohio, but things like the long walks on the beach and the beautiful sea shells seems to imply that she likes California. One of the few moments when this narrator speaks is when he says that he doubts that she’ll adjust to California and I wondered why this was important. I totally got that she wished he had more friends and that he was more popular, but I felt like I was missing a key part of their relationship. I also wasn’t sure what to make of the chaplain.
I think “Ohio” is really inventive and unique. I am impressed by your range of style and how you managed to express what may have come off as stereotypical concerns of the growing boy in a new, textured way. Awesome. I look forward to seeing how you work with this great draft and its stylistic potential. Thanks for sharing, James.
Jessamyn
I think the outer story here is about a boy from a military family who moves from California to Ohio. I think the inner story is about a adolescent’s attempt to adjust to a new situation and a certain level of culture shock, as well as his parent’s emotional distance. I think the narrator wants some level of companionship or emotional support, especially given his new environment, but which he can’t seem to find with his family or schoolmates.
I thought you had some really well-observed moments that captured the pain and awkwardness of adolescence. Lines like, “They said: jean shorts, crazy” and, “did you kill Bambi’s mother?” I thought got across the casual cruelty of kids. They also highlighted the narrator’s inability to fit in in California. I liked the contrast between the narrator’s military life and the public school culture. I also liked the style and tone of the story, which felt slightly removed and distant. I think the story might benefit from being told in the third person—as it stands now, I don’t think we’re getting any particular insights into the narrator’s character or thoughts from his telling the story, and he didn’t seem at all unreliable. When I was thinking about the story after reading it, I remembered it as a third person story. I think the third person would work more naturally here.
I also thought the narrator’s interest in flight and fighter jets was a good addition to the story, and I liked how it created another layer of tension with his father. I wanted to get a little more of this—what does the narrator see in flight that so appeals to him? Does he want to be a pilot? In general, I wanted to get a bit more of the conflict between the narrator and his parents, particularly his father. I got the feeling that the narrator was an introverted, shy person who wasn’t living up to his father’s expectations of “manliness.” I think this could be expanded upon to give the conflict in the story more depth.
There are some scenes in this story that I would have liked to see elaborated upon. I wanted to see more of Tom-Jed scene, and more of Jed in general. I think this conflict is really at the heart of the story, and colors a lot of who the narrator is. I wanted to get a better sense of what Jed’s rejection of his son means to the narrator, and how it affects him. I also think that the narrator’s relationship with his mother is significant. There was some sense in the story that the mother was having difficulty adjusting to life in California, but at the same time she seems to be pushing her son away almost as much as Jed. I think this relationship might be more interesting if it weren’t a carbon-copy of the relationship with Jed.
There were a few scenes here that I was somewhat befuddled by. Why are the narrator’s grades important? What do they tell us about his situation? Is he upset by them? Are his parents? I’m also not sure what the chaplain’s role in the story is.
Finally, I liked the conclusion to the story. It felt natural and real, but I think the narrator should have a little more autonomy in the story. Maybe he picks up a stray dog, or at least finds one at the pound. I think this final sequence could be elaborated upon to give it a bit more emotional resonance.
Great style here, looking forward to more!
James,
This story is about a boy who moves with his family from Ohio to southern California. His father is in the military. The story is about the boy’s problems, not only in trying to adjust, but also in relating to is father. The boy has trouble understanding other people and his environment. Thought that it could be called “Off Base” for all the weird stuff that is going on. The minimalist style in which this is written prompts me to examine every word line and stanza for significance. There is a lot to be discovered between the lines.
The narrator appears to be writing from a long way down the road. His choice of detail is significant and more advanced than the fourteen year old subject in the main story. I am wondering why he chooses to tell this story. I get the feeling that something has gone really wrong in his life, and he is relating this section in terse and fragmented memory in order to partially explain it. This fragmentary nature gives me a sense that something terrible is going to happen or has happened within this story. There is a very interesting line that added to this for me and that is “we did presentations on dangerous substances, I did cocaine. This seems to be a deliberate double line. I am wondering if this story could be an explanation for the author’s possible drug habit. He uses this story about Camp Pendleton to subtly show this.
The narrator has problems with his father. Nearly every line about him seems to drip with this repressed feelings of hatred. The move, the crew cut, even his dad’s advice all has bad consequences for the narrator. Also, he feels that whatever he does will never be adequate. The father constantly talks about a “real man” and the boy struggles with whether he will ever become this. The scene with Tom is well done, it really conveys this idea and the author’s pain. I thought that more could be brought out in the scene where the mother asks if the boy wants to have anyone over for dinner. I don’t understand it right now, is it before or during dinner? I think that a scene at the table with both mother and father could greatly further the dynamic between them.(as in the later line, “she’ll adjust.”) Maybe the dad talks about things he did as a kid or something.
The mom seems to be trying to help the boy. However, I get this sense of alienation from her, too in the middle stanza of p 4. She won’t ask him to come on a walk with her. Why not? Is she sad too? I think this point is extremely significant, but I cannot figure it out. The mom adds a very important piece to this story that is missing right now, this might also be a good space to do it.
I don’t know what to make of the boy’s grades. I don’t know why they are there. What are they trying to show me. I think that this detail could be given relevance with even just a few lines. My main question was how did dad react to the grades?
The dog was a very nice addition. I liked that the boy seemingly spends all his time with it and it is his only friend. He even talks to it, saying the things that he himself wants to hear. This part seemed a little too, happy though. I wanted more of all the bad things in the background to somehow show through more. I would think that his dad said something about the dog. Every aspect of this childhood is somehow tainted with bad feelings of the father and I don’t believe that even scooter can escape.
Interesting choice in narration, this story made me work a little harder but I enjoyed it.
Michael
James:
The outer story is about a little boy moving from Ohio to a base in California with his family. The inner story is about the boy’s insecurities and alienation from his family and peers. In the end, he finds a friend and companion with his dog, which is both touching and terribly sad because he is still unable to receive the love and affection he gives to the dog. The reader ends the story glad that the boy has a friend but still anxious for his happiness in a strange new place where other people reject him.
This story really moved me. I left it with a big ol’ knot in my stomach, so there’s something good happening here. The way you begin with the “They said…” and then continue to bring those fragmented almost poetic stanzas into the story on occasion just works – not only does it add beautifully to the rhythm of the story but it reflect the isolation the boy feels, and the fragmented lines reflect his lonely confused quality of life in California. You do an incredible job of showing and explaining without directly telling…for instance, the way you explain that his dad is in the army by describing the crew cuts and the army base. You never said “my dad’s in the military”, which is important. The reader sees that this boy is incredibly observant and smart, although he is hurt, lonely, and insecure. Your voice really shows us who this boy is. I think the dog is a great touch. I was amazed that I didn’t feel manipulated or feel that the ending was cheesy. You made it real and very honest, which is impressive.
One thing I wish there was more of was backstory or at least a more balanced ratio between the little boy’s life in California compared to how it was in Ohio…especially because you title the story “Ohio”, I expect to develop a stronger connection to that place. But I can’t envision it, and I don’t know how that life was different to the boy’s life in California. Did something happen to make his dad colder? I’m really intrigued about the mother because she seems depressed and aloof, almost like the move to California has broken her somehow. Also, when she says “I’ll talk to your father later” I got the sense that she was too scared of the father to confront him at the dinner table in person. I wondered if the father was maybe abusive, or that at least their relationship was seriously on the rocks. But I had to guess, and I would really like to see you show that to us more. The dad really came through, but I’d like to see him more as a husband as well as a father. In addition, while I like your fragmented voice, it seems to be leaving out details that would make the story richer and more vivid – what’s the school like, his teachers, the kids? The reader gets a vague sense of what it’s like to be at the boy’s new school and to be rejected by his peers, but it would be nice to see the school more and the other places and experiences that the boy encounters.
Just a great first draft.
-Brodie
James,
I read the outer story of “Ohio” as being about a young boy, whose father is a military officer, and his families move from Ohio to a sunny locale (I think California), where the boy starts at a new school at which he doesn’t seem to fit in. The inner story was one in which the protagonist has significant daddy issues. His father seems like the abrasive, macho military type and takes a very gruff and distant approach to parenting his son, which it seems that the son interprets as his father not caring much for him. The son feels like he is not living up to his father’s expectations. In the end, the boy gets a dog and seems to want to be a better master to the dog than his father was to him, an interesting contrast.
Voice: I thought that the voice and style of this story were fascinating and very well done. It has some stream of consciousness elements, as in how the voice represents dialogue and how at times the voice seems to be not speaking to anyone in particular, just existing. An example would be the boy’s report card. Rather than ‘my report card came in, I had…’, it says “Report cards for the semester came” and presents the grades. However, at times it also functions somewhat like a straight-forward first person narrative, as in the second paragraph on the first page. I thought that both the stream of consciousness and first-person voices were very well done, however, if forced to choose one (and I think you should) I would take the stream of consciousness voice. I think that this story would be great told entirely in this manner. I really enjoyed how unfiltered everything felt, rather than getting an interpretation of an event and further filtering that event by hearing it through a narrator’s voice, I felt like I was just getting an internal interpretation that I could trust. I felt like a lot of what I was hearing the stream of consciousness voice talk about were quotations, even thought they weren’t attributed to anybody in particular. The thoughts were just being repeated as they were received. An example would be on page 3, “One of the most dangerous activities known to man was landing on the deck of an aircraft carrier”. This doesn’t sound like the narrator’s voice at all, it is just his mind parroting back something that obviously had a great impact upon him. Writing in a stream of consciousness style scares the hell out of me, but you do a great job with it, I say go for it all the way.
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