Michael, the outer story is about a young woman, Robin, who lives with her parents and is a teacher at an elementary school. One night a mysterious man shows up—Mr. Casper—who claims he is a government agent. Mr. Casper stays with the family for a couple days. He and Robin become fast friends, but when they are out for ice cream, Robin tries to put something in the trunk; Mr. Casper barks at her not to open it. Now suspicious, Robin breaks into the trunk late at night and finds a bomb-like structure. Mr. Casper later explains that it is high density fuel, and offers to take her along with him; she declines, citing a need to stay with her family. The inner story is about Robin’s desire to break free from her mundane life in a harsh, violent, oil-less world. There are distinct moments where she toys with the idea of leaving, or suggests she is unhappy with her current situation (“It’s not where I figured I’d end up”; “For a moment, Robin let herself imagine what it would be like to break free from the world, to watch as the little houses and trees and rivers became smaller and smaller until they vanished amidst the green and brown of the earth…”). Her undergrad studies were cut short by riots, and her dreams of flying were dashed as well. Casper represents a foray into the unknown and the mysterious; he also represents adventure. However she ultimately rejects his invite.
I think your writing is really crisp. The narrating style is very cool and collected, and the pace is great. You also create great moments of tension—especially when Robin is breaking into the trunk of the car, and then returns only to find Mr. Casper awake. I also think the world you’ve created—a world without oil—is very interesting. You do a great job interweaving what’s happened in the past into the present pace of the story, without having to go back and devote a large amount of space explaining. Casual mentions of things like riots, conflicts in Africa, or the last time Robin drove in a car were great. I also feel like there’s a very cinematic quality to this piece, simply in the way you describe scenes. I especially liked the small paragraph on the bottom of page 9—there are sounds, smells, sights and touch, all compacted into three sentences. This really gives a great feel for the environment. Furthermore, I enjoyed the storm the always seemed to be brewing—it gave a very foreboding feel to the piece. Finally, the dialogue is spot on—it was very engaging, and struck me as very real. In a broader sense, the character interactions were great as well; you have a knack for having good pauses, suggestive body language and inserting narration in between dialogue.
In terms of the plot, the thing that drove the story was the identity of this mysterious man, Mr. Casper. Once it is revealed, though. For a story this short, I felt as though there needed to be something going on a deeper level—some sort of unspoken theme or motif that is really compelling. There’s the dysfunctional world they’re living in, and Robin’s desire to break free and fly, but other than that, I didn’t get the feeling that there was much. It’s still a very poignant story though, and there are a lot of great things going on.
This is some really great writing. I wish you the best of luck with your revisions.
The outer story of "Forward Motion" is the story about Robin, a teacher, and the relationship she develops with Mr. Caspar, a government engineer. The time period is somewhere in the not too distant future, in which the world has exhausted its oil supplies. Mr. Caspar comes to stay with Robin and her family and Robin discovers that he is carrying an important government secret. I thought that the story primarily hinged on what was happening in the outer story, which was nice, since in most of the stories we have read, not much happened. I think that the inner story with Robin was her learning to deal with the world the way it is now, as well as what seems like a lonely life. I think that Robin mostly wanted something to happen in her life.
I though that the close third person narration in this story was very well done. It struck a nice balance between Robin's perspective and a narrative voice.
I had a few problems with the vision of the future that is painted in this story. I assume that the story takes place at least twenty years into the future, given that oil supplies aren't totally drying up anytime soon. However, if this is the case, the world that these characters inhabit seems awfully similar to our own today. I would think that if there is still electricity (ice cream parlor) that with another twenty years of advances that the world would look like a very different place. Other than the oil being gone and automobiles being scarce, everything else seems pretty much the same as it does today. I would expect that there would either be major advances, or if the shortage was really catastrophic, major hardships in how they live. Stories about the future are very intriguing and draw the reader in, but they also create a host of expectations that the reader expects to be fulfilled. This story skirts the issue of actually showing the reader what the world looks like, and it is something that I expected the story to give me.
With regard to the central points of conflict in the story, I thought you did a great job of creating suspense and expectation as to what Mr. Caspar was hiding in the trunk, however, I was less convinced with the romance between Mr. Caspar and Robin. The dialogue between the two characters felt a little unnatural, I think it may be how formally they address each other. They call each other by their full names, "Sleep well, Robin Saro" and it sounded to me like they were speaking as if they were actors in an old movie. Beyond the dialogue, I didn't really get a sense from the narrative voice (which was very close to Robin's) that there were a lot of romantic sparks between the two. If Robin really is interested in Mr. Caspar, I think it should come out a little more in the voice.
Dear Michael, I read the outer story of Forward Motion to be about a mysterious stranger who has stolen a device in order to do great good in the world, who forms a love interest with a schoolteacher with whom he stays during his journey. I had a hard time placing your inner story: it seemed to be about constricted opportunity. Robin cannot build the planes she wants to, she cannot drive a car, and I thought it was these things—forward motion from creation and discovery, and a better life for her father—that she wanted most but couldn’t have, because of the state of world affairs. I admire the ambition of your piece. You create a completely new world in your story, and you give a lot of explanation for how things happened without overwhelming the reader with details about the setting. You have a great eye for detail; I especially liked the way that you described Caspar’s eyes and the weather throughout the piece. The writing (as ever) was strong, and the word choice sophisticated. The piece reads really well—I wanted to know what happened, and I think you do an excellent job constructing a plot with arc and direction. The question of what was going to happen kept me reading, especially because you consistently suggested Capar’s intentions were more than he was admitting. That said, I had a number of questions about the world you created, the structure of the piece, and the relationships that developed among the characters. I wanted to see more of the world than you show. You suggest that new TV shows are not being made, presumably because this is too energy-intensive. You also draw attention to skyscrapers on page one, grouping them with cars and jets and suggesting that they, too, are a rarity. How much has society regressed? I think it’s understandable that the reader might be inundated if you expose all the ways in which the world has changed, but it was too unclear how far back in time the society had moved for me to be able to understand the unfolding actions in context right now. I also couldn’t help but doubt the credibility of some of the suggestions—that the government would not preplan attacks on oil fields before reserves got so low, that alternative sources would not have been better utilized, that discovery in toto stopped because oil was so low. The American economy, even today, seems too adaptive to let things get where they got (cellulosic ethanol, solar, wind, nuclear, coal, hydrogen technology, electric vehicles, etc.)—though I’d believe it if I were shown more clearly how things progressively deteriorated and why these promising alternatives didn’t pan out. In a similar vein, I didn’t understand why Father gets a degree in aerospace engineering without being able to foresee that his services aren’t needed—again, unless there was a shock to the system that could be shown in more detail. In terms of structure and characterization, I think you can start the piece with Caspar arriving. The opening school scene feels like a conceit so that you can explain the state of the world, and I think it would be more interesting to discover this information through narration and dialogue as the narrator’s relationship with Caspar unfolds, or in back story once the action has begun. I had some trouble believing that the family would be so willing to let Caspar into their home, and I especially doubted how much they would miss him (the farewell hug from mom, the kiss with Robin). I think that you effectively paint him as a shady character, and as a result, I don’t think he can connect with the family, or stay for more than one day, unless you show another side of him through interaction with the family. And I never quite felt the chemistry between Caspar and Robin reach a romantic level. Robin seems to face a pivotal decision at the end of the piece: to go or not to go. (The question of to tell or not to tell didn’t seem to be a consideration.) Yet, because her dreams of travel are only briefly mentioned, her decision doesn’t seem to be a hard one—and not as climactic as the story deserves. I really enjoyed jumping into this world, James
On the surface, “Forward Motion” is about a world where the oil supply is extremely limited to the point that cars, tankers, jets, etc. are a luxury and transportation of goods, such as food and medical supplies, is very expensive. In general, the world seems to be coming to an end. Set against this dark backdrop, we get a suspicious government agent, a mild romance with an elementary school teacher, and one man’s decision to action to make the world a little better (or so he says). On the inner story level, the story is very cleverly about none of these things, not even the politics of this dark, new world you have imagined, but rather about the age-old tension between duty and freedom manifested in Robin Saro’s battle between her familial obligations, which focus on her relationship with her father, and her dreams to fly and see the world.
You write the most beautiful sentences: “fingers of cement and steel and glass reaching toward the sun” and “the droplets of water stung just a little bit as they crashed against her face” and “the blue mantle of the sky stretching to the horizon in every direction.” You have an awesome sense of detail and a real command of language; it’s just too cool. I liked the way you slowly introduce the reader to this oil-less world; you do it in such a way that doesn’t feel forced and doesn’t place too much emphasis on the setting. I really liked the way the father-daughter relationship is suggested mostly through actions and dialogue, Robin’s attention to him at dinnertime, Mark’s “just give a holler” that is directed just at her, and that last image of father and daughter working on the blueprint. I didn’t feel like there was the same level of complexity with the mother, although this may be purposeful: perhaps you were trying to show what the future holds for Robin in the stereotypical intense-domesticity of the mother? that the path of duty and obligation means housecleaning and ready hospitality? I think this is an interesting possibility, if intended, and could be brought out more—what does Robin see when she sees her mother?
Although I felt like I knew Robin and her love of math, her determination to find solutions through hard work, her modesty about her intelligence, and so forth, I found myself wanting to know more. What, for instance, is up with her constant deference—her parents are Father and Mother with capital letters and a man her age or younger is not David, but Mr. Caspar? While I understand that she is respectful and obedient in many ways, I felt like I need to see the struggle between her obligations and her dreams even more developed than they are here. I don’t see a lot of the Robin that may have been, the one who was going to be an engineer and travel the world, outside of her work on the blueprints. With Caspar’s arrival, you have a great opportunity to show Robin outside of the family sphere and I think that scene in town with the ice cream cones could be expanded to let Robin talk more about her regrets as well as her dreams. David Caspar is another character I found myself wanting to know more about. Why does he take so long to say “David’s really sufficient” and why does he forgive her so easily on pg. 14—that really tense moment disappears too quickly for me—is he telling the truth? I wasn’t quite sure. While it’s evident that Robin believes so, should the reader? I definitely don’t want him and his dramatic crime to be the focus of the story, but I did want to know with a little more certainty whether he was a good guy or a bad one. In general, I really like the interaction between Caspar and Robin, the way he didn’t look at her at first, the kiss at the end, but the conflict parts felt a little quick as I said earlier. Although she goes back to the trunk later, she seems to give up too easily or doesn’t dwell enough on his response when he yells at her. Just adding a few sentences of description—his contorted face, the smoothing out of his suit, perhaps it takes her a while to open the backdoor and he looks intently at her—would strengthen this moment. I felt the same of pg. 14, I just wanted to see more of her fear and really feel the tension of that moment.
“Forward Motion” is a really interesting story with great potential. I think it’s just a matter of slowing down the moments of conflict and polishing (just a little bit) your characters. Michael Booe, I love your writing—it is clean and elegant and smart. Good luck with revision!
Michael: The outer story is about Robin struggling in a world in the near future where we have essentially run out of oil. Caspar comes with valuable technology and offers to take Robin away. The inner story seems to be about a loss of optimism. The philosophy driving the piece seems to be most poignantly described on the top of page 12 (“Now we have to struggle to hold on to what we have.”) How would ideals like romance and escapism survive in this world?
You have a fascinating premise and you are very convincing in your language. You rely on the realism of specificity, and retain complete authority. When you talk about Strategic Reserve and oil fields, it’s really believable. The only point where I questioned this scenario was at the very beginning, actually. By introducing the lack of fuel in Ruth’s thoughts on page 2, it feels forced. I would instead introduce the situation with the casual details you use for the rest of the piece.
In general, in fact, I found Robin’s thoughts to feel unnatural. I felt like they were often very “device-y.” In thoughts, she explains a lot. She also directs our own attention to specific questions. I kept wondering if there was a more organic way to introduce this information. For example on page 8, while I like the idea of San Diego completely destroyed in an earthquake, the interjection of explanation before dialogue pulls me out of the story. On a tangent, I would love to see more physical description of this world. Something about “apocalypse ashes” screams for visual details. I get this eerie sense of Elizabeth, with Robin’s victory garden and small schoolhouse. I want to know what the horizon looks like. I imagine the dust bowl.
Lastly, what drove this piece for me was the really rich philosophy behind it, not the mystery of Caspar. As a result, I felt like the climax was when Caspar asks Robin to leave with him, not when she finds out what the steel cylinder is. The language of the story, however, seems to build up the latter. This part was resolved too easily for me. She sees this suspicious cylinder, then Caspar is completely forthcoming with her, and then on top of that, she completely believes him. Also, I was really caught off guard by the romantic subplot. Ultimately, though, I was satisfied with the ending, which came back to the idea of optimism, and the indulgence of engineering.
It’s admirable how daring you were with this draft, -Michelle.
The outer story is about a young elementary school teacher, Robin Saro, who lives in the future after oil reserves have been depleted. A man, David Casper, a petroleum engineer, comes to stay at her parents’ house where she lives, and they end up developing a kind of relationship/connection before she discovers that he’s hiding something in his trunk. She secretly opens it and discovers that he’s stolen a “special high density fuel” from the government and is taking it to Europe. He invites her to come along, but Robin decides she needs to stay at home and take care of her parents. The inner story is the idea of movement and progression that David Caspar represents. Robin is living in a world of regression and lost hope, and Caspar offers her a chance to break away from that. In the end, Robin resorts to stay in her simple slowed-motion life.
I really like the way this story moves- how we get to know Robin and her parents, are introduced to Mr. Casper, and then move through a building tension before Robin eventually finds out what he’s hiding in his trunk. It’s very well-structured; I never find myself getting confused. In addition, I think the idea of this world is very intriguing, and I think you pull it off quite well. Robin’s life seems very simple and slow, but also pleasant in that it isn’t filled with the stress and rush of today’s world. Your description is also great, and you build the tension very well. I love the relationship between Robin and her father and the way you fit their hobby of drafting planes into the bigger theme.
I thought that Robin’s personality could have been fleshed out a little bit. While you get her immediate impressions of life around her and the knowledge that she had to leave school before she got her degree, you don’t know much. I can’t see her either. Does she wear makeup…do people wear makeup in this progressive world. I’m curious to know what it’s like to be a woman in that world. I also don’t feel a chemistry between Mr. Caspar and Robin, and when he kisses her at the end, it feels weird. Him asking her to go with him also seems a little bit out of the blue. Use their day out together to show more connection between them. As it is, there isn’t enough…it just feels like strangers going on a rather awkward outing together. I also thought this world that you created, while intriguing in imagination, is not very vivid in your story. I can’t really picture what it looks like, and it seems pretty similar to today’s world, if only a little bit paired down with the gardens and the bicycles. I want to see it much more and to better understand why the world has regressed so much – are there really no more skyscrapers? I feel like if there’s electricity (the lights being turned on and off and TV) there’s got to be some progression happening, and I don’t see any. And what about electric cars? I feel like I need a lot more explaining in order to believe that this world exists. I also feel like if Robin teaches history on a regular basis, she’ll know a lot more about the past than she seems to. I also think you could play up your underlying theme regarding progression and forward movement. As it is, I don’t think it’s clear enough. I want to really get a strong sense of it through Robin’s and Mr. Caspar’s relationship, but it’s not driving it home for me. I think your end could feel a lot more powerful if you build their relationship up a lot more and contrast their two lives, or at least Robin’s current life and Caspar’s future life. Maybe give us more of a taste of what the future holds for them.
The external story in “Forward Motion” takes place in the future, when the world’s oil has almost run out. A mysterious visitor comes to Robin’s house, and eventually reveals that he is transporting an oil-saving device to developing countries. To me, the internal story is about a woman’s disappointment and frustration with a world so stuck in environmental disasters, and finding hope in a man who is trying to save the world.
What a cool idea (and scarily possible)! This is such an interesting concept, and you do a great job of exploring a science fiction-type situation while keeping it very much grounded in reality. I love how there are such recognizable things to readers’ contemporary lives, and yet there are details thrown in that create this world very foreign to us. I think you do a great job of balancing that. While there are familiar things like the need to replace the caps on kids’ glue sticks, there are the crazy situations like the destruction of San Diego in earthquakes and fire. It’s such a convincing world because only certain parts of it are different.
Another great aspect of this story is the way you structure the story. The story is basically linear, but it uses references to the past in interesting ways – like through the pages of the history book, or through dialogue. Also, the structure of the story is very suspenseful, and does a great job of building tension. It starts feeling a little spooky, and you play that up, which adds to the sense of surprise when we find out what David Caspar really is doing. With details like Robin’s heartbeat when Caspar first comes, the radio-active symbol, Caspar’s uneasiness about his trunk, Robin’s reaction to Caspar in her room – the story feels like a thriller at times, and it’s fun to keep reading.
To me, something that may need to be worked on a bit is the relationship that forms between Robin and Caspar. It changes from fear to hospitality to fear… and then he kisses her? I know that as things go along, I’m expecting there might be a spark between them, but when it came, it felt strange – like it hadn’t really been built up enough to a point where that action would have made sense. I think this could be shown when they go to town together: instead of giving it in summary, I think it should be in scene. That way, we could see what they talk about, what Caspar is like, how they relate to each other… and we can understand the possible attraction.
Another thing to think about is how the family reacts to this stranger, and what it says about the world in which the story takes place. I think it’s strange that they are so welcoming (especially the mother!), when they all agree that it can be a weird, dangerous place “out there.” I feel like they’d be more suspicious, and this would indicate more of the fear that rules in such a frustrated and helpless world.
Overall, I thought this was an awesome story, and although it scared me a bit, I thought you did a great job of portraying a realistic possibility for our future. (Yikes.)
This story is set in the not too distant future and takes place in a kind of post-apocalyptic USA. The story is the story, I don’t see any real substory other than details of the main characters backgrounds. I really enjoyed this draft once I got into it. This story establishes a lot of backstory very smoothly. I have a few suggestions. I didn’t think that the narrative voice fit. Some of the word choices seemed almost esoteric and pedantic. (proclivity, adroitly, frenetic adamant, recompense, vehemence, etc.) I tended to interpret these as free indirect discourse with Robin, but I don’t think this works. I don’t imagine her, at least from other details, like the loving way she describes her students, to be like this. There is almost a cynical quality to the narration that interfered with me being drawn into the story. I think that the narrator can be detached and seemingly disinterestedly objective, elements that I thought helped, without this severe aloofness. The paragraph that initially explains what happened, framed in the discussion about history didn’t feel quite right. I thought that the whole lesson plan could have been used to more subtly build up what happens as well as paint the picture of Robin. Math and history are the only two subjects that she covers. This scene is like the establishing shot, I wanted more to be shown in it to get me understanding what kind of story this is. As it is, it was hard to understand what was going on and I was left confused as to what was going on in this world. I didn’t get all that I needed from the children’s questions and her answer that there is no more oil. It wasn’t until a few more pages that what was going on actually became clear. I don’t see how the family is affected by the loss of oil as much as I would think they would be. I don’t see how they are isolated by not being able to travel more that walking or bike distance. I thought there was a lot more room to actually bring this in, to explain how so many of the comforts we take for granted are absent to them. I wondered if coal is also more expensive now and where they get their power from and if that is expensive too. Do they have solar panels or windmills or other gadgets that become a part of their daily life? I get this general sense of a post-apocalyptic nation, the riots in Chicago, San Diego being destroyed, London didn’t get hit “as bad” yet I don’t know at all what happened. The EU and the African Alliance I think are mentioned in a vaguely unpleasant way. Are we at war with them? I thought that one alluded to reference would be ok but they are all allusions. I wanted more detail on one or a few of them to help set up this world. Exactly how bad are things? What still works? Do things get worse every day, or is there some sort of uneasy equilibrium? I don’t understand why the family is so willing to let Caspar stay at their house. Are there no hotels anymore? Why don’t they question why he wants to stay there? Also he becomes endeared to the house without actually doing anything. The mom hugs him at the end and he is treated like a family friend. What did he do to deserve this? How does he get away with kissing Robin, too. And for that matter why would he want to, He has a crush on her? Did she like him too, or was this weird? A really creative story, and well told. I would like to see how you revise it. Thanks. -Mike
Hey Michael, The outer story is about a future (or possibly an alternate reality, although I'd len towards future) where oil resources are all but gone, drastically impairing people's ability to travel among other things. Robin is a schoolteacher who lives with her parents, and one day a mysterious man comes to stay with them. In the end (to make this short), it turns out he's in possession of a special fuel that he stole from the local government and plans to share it with the world. The inner story was more about the restrictions placed on Robin due to this world, and her need for some sort of release. First off, I totally bought, believed, and loved the world you've created in the story. Every time I felt there was a sort of hole in the logic, you would soon tie it up, and it seems like you really thought through the world from every angle. You also had a lot going on in the story, which I really liked- from constructing this world to the characters' interactions and histories, I thought there was a lot going on and it kept the pace up all throughout the story. The dialogue was also great, and kept me interested. It was a unique and compelling world and plot. My one concern is that I didn't see a whole lot of emotion or motivation really coming through the characters for much of the story. I loved reading about what they were doing and what was going on, but other than Robin's desire for freedom and Caspar's reveal at the end I couldn't find much of an emotional core to grasp onto for the characters. It just made it seem like things were just happening, and I think especially given the dire situtation there's a great opportunity for the story to pack a true emotional wallop. Finding the inner story was a bit hard, too- and while I'm not one to believe you really need much of a deeper theme (I just think it needs to be a great read, which you accomplished), I think the story could benefit a bit more from higher stakes or a more personal crisis. Somethin' like that. I really enjoy your style of writing- it's easy to read, very descriptive, and best of all highly enjoyable. I think this story is fantastic, and can only get better by injecting the tale with more character-related content, i.e. emotions and motivations. Great job!
I understood your outer story to be about Robin, a schoolteacher in a futuristic world, who meets a government engineer, discovers his secret, and declines his offer to travel with him. I understood your inner story to be about Robin’s desire to break out of her confined existence, as well as her devotion to her family, and her ultimate choice of family when these two values are placed in opposition of one another.
I enjoyed this story, and, as always, I admire the deliberateness and specificity of your writing. The characters are consistent and well-developed, the plot unfolds in a logical and interesting way, and the details are abundant, well-chosen, and always seem to exist for a reason. You make the daring choice to set your story in a very grim version of the future, and I’m able to suspend my disbelief and accept the world that you create for me. I love that this world is both strange and familiar, and I’m intrigued by the simplicity of this future, and the way that it seems to resemble the past. Progress, it seems, has been lost along with the oil. One thing I love is the way your writing style matches the tone and pace of the world you create: it’s simple, methodical, and dreary without becoming self-pitying. I feel as though the anonymous narrator belongs to this world, and I think that’s a great accomplishment on your part.
I like the fact that this is a somewhat distant narrator, but I find myself missing out on much of Robin’s conflict and longing as a result. Details about eye contact aren’t quite enough to convince me that she likes Caspar, and I want to see more of the tension between them. Similarly, her relationship to her father, while clear, still feels a little two-dimensional. I need to understand the significance of both these relationships, and especially the ways they inspire or comfort her, in order to feel as though her rejection of Caspar’s offer to come with him is important. Right now, I don’t find myself hoping anything – either that she’ll stay or go; I don’t really feel as though I have enough invested in her life and her decision. Further development of her desires and conflicts, primarily through behavior and interactions, should help to further this.
This is a very strong story, Michael. I always enjoy reading your work, and I eagerly await the next version of whichever piece you choose to revise.
11 comments:
Michael, the outer story is about a young woman, Robin, who lives with her parents and is a teacher at an elementary school. One night a mysterious man shows up—Mr. Casper—who claims he is a government agent. Mr. Casper stays with the family for a couple days. He and Robin become fast friends, but when they are out for ice cream, Robin tries to put something in the trunk; Mr. Casper barks at her not to open it. Now suspicious, Robin breaks into the trunk late at night and finds a bomb-like structure. Mr. Casper later explains that it is high density fuel, and offers to take her along with him; she declines, citing a need to stay with her family. The inner story is about Robin’s desire to break free from her mundane life in a harsh, violent, oil-less world. There are distinct moments where she toys with the idea of leaving, or suggests she is unhappy with her current situation (“It’s not where I figured I’d end up”; “For a moment, Robin let herself imagine what it would be like to break free from the world, to watch as the little houses and trees and rivers became smaller and smaller until they vanished amidst the green and brown of the earth…”). Her undergrad studies were cut short by riots, and her dreams of flying were dashed as well. Casper represents a foray into the unknown and the mysterious; he also represents adventure. However she ultimately rejects his invite.
I think your writing is really crisp. The narrating style is very cool and collected, and the pace is great. You also create great moments of tension—especially when Robin is breaking into the trunk of the car, and then returns only to find Mr. Casper awake. I also think the world you’ve created—a world without oil—is very interesting. You do a great job interweaving what’s happened in the past into the present pace of the story, without having to go back and devote a large amount of space explaining. Casual mentions of things like riots, conflicts in Africa, or the last time Robin drove in a car were great. I also feel like there’s a very cinematic quality to this piece, simply in the way you describe scenes. I especially liked the small paragraph on the bottom of page 9—there are sounds, smells, sights and touch, all compacted into three sentences. This really gives a great feel for the environment. Furthermore, I enjoyed the storm the always seemed to be brewing—it gave a very foreboding feel to the piece. Finally, the dialogue is spot on—it was very engaging, and struck me as very real. In a broader sense, the character interactions were great as well; you have a knack for having good pauses, suggestive body language and inserting narration in between dialogue.
In terms of the plot, the thing that drove the story was the identity of this mysterious man, Mr. Casper. Once it is revealed, though. For a story this short, I felt as though there needed to be something going on a deeper level—some sort of unspoken theme or motif that is really compelling. There’s the dysfunctional world they’re living in, and Robin’s desire to break free and fly, but other than that, I didn’t get the feeling that there was much. It’s still a very poignant story though, and there are a lot of great things going on.
This is some really great writing. I wish you the best of luck with your revisions.
-Nick
Michael,
The outer story of "Forward Motion" is the story about Robin, a teacher, and the relationship she develops with Mr. Caspar, a government engineer. The time period is somewhere in the not too distant future, in which the world has exhausted its oil supplies. Mr. Caspar comes to stay with Robin and her family and Robin discovers that he is carrying an important government secret. I thought that the story primarily hinged on what was happening in the outer story, which was nice, since in most of the stories we have read, not much happened. I think that the inner story with Robin was her learning to deal with the world the way it is now, as well as what seems like a lonely life. I think that Robin mostly wanted something to happen in her life.
I though that the close third person narration in this story was very well done. It struck a nice balance between Robin's perspective and a narrative voice.
I had a few problems with the vision of the future that is painted in this story. I assume that the story takes place at least twenty years into the future, given that oil supplies aren't totally drying up anytime soon. However, if this is the case, the world that these characters inhabit seems awfully similar to our own today. I would think that if there is still electricity (ice cream parlor) that with another twenty years of advances that the world would look like a very different place. Other than the oil being gone and automobiles being scarce, everything else seems pretty much the same as it does today. I would expect that there would either be major advances, or if the shortage was really catastrophic, major hardships in how they live. Stories about the future are very intriguing and draw the reader in, but they also create a host of expectations that the reader expects to be fulfilled. This story skirts the issue of actually showing the reader what the world looks like, and it is something that I expected the story to give me.
With regard to the central points of conflict in the story, I thought you did a great job of creating suspense and expectation as to what Mr. Caspar was hiding in the trunk, however, I was less convinced with the romance between Mr. Caspar and Robin. The dialogue between the two characters felt a little unnatural, I think it may be how formally they address each other. They call each other by their full names, "Sleep well, Robin Saro" and it sounded to me like they were speaking as if they were actors in an old movie. Beyond the dialogue, I didn't really get a sense from the narrative voice (which was very close to Robin's) that there were a lot of romantic sparks between the two. If Robin really is interested in Mr. Caspar, I think it should come out a little more in the voice.
Dear Michael,
I read the outer story of Forward Motion to be about a mysterious stranger who has stolen a device in order to do great good in the world, who forms a love interest with a schoolteacher with whom he stays during his journey. I had a hard time placing your inner story: it seemed to be about constricted opportunity. Robin cannot build the planes she wants to, she cannot drive a car, and I thought it was these things—forward motion from creation and discovery, and a better life for her father—that she wanted most but couldn’t have, because of the state of world affairs.
I admire the ambition of your piece. You create a completely new world in your story, and you give a lot of explanation for how things happened without overwhelming the reader with details about the setting. You have a great eye for detail; I especially liked the way that you described Caspar’s eyes and the weather throughout the piece. The writing (as ever) was strong, and the word choice sophisticated.
The piece reads really well—I wanted to know what happened, and I think you do an excellent job constructing a plot with arc and direction. The question of what was going to happen kept me reading, especially because you consistently suggested Capar’s intentions were more than he was admitting.
That said, I had a number of questions about the world you created, the structure of the piece, and the relationships that developed among the characters. I wanted to see more of the world than you show. You suggest that new TV shows are not being made, presumably because this is too energy-intensive. You also draw attention to skyscrapers on page one, grouping them with cars and jets and suggesting that they, too, are a rarity. How much has society regressed? I think it’s understandable that the reader might be inundated if you expose all the ways in which the world has changed, but it was too unclear how far back in time the society had moved for me to be able to understand the unfolding actions in context right now.
I also couldn’t help but doubt the credibility of some of the suggestions—that the government would not preplan attacks on oil fields before reserves got so low, that alternative sources would not have been better utilized, that discovery in toto stopped because oil was so low. The American economy, even today, seems too adaptive to let things get where they got (cellulosic ethanol, solar, wind, nuclear, coal, hydrogen technology, electric vehicles, etc.)—though I’d believe it if I were shown more clearly how things progressively deteriorated and why these promising alternatives didn’t pan out. In a similar vein, I didn’t understand why Father gets a degree in aerospace engineering without being able to foresee that his services aren’t needed—again, unless there was a shock to the system that could be shown in more detail.
In terms of structure and characterization, I think you can start the piece with Caspar arriving. The opening school scene feels like a conceit so that you can explain the state of the world, and I think it would be more interesting to discover this information through narration and dialogue as the narrator’s relationship with Caspar unfolds, or in back story once the action has begun.
I had some trouble believing that the family would be so willing to let Caspar into their home, and I especially doubted how much they would miss him (the farewell hug from mom, the kiss with Robin). I think that you effectively paint him as a shady character, and as a result, I don’t think he can connect with the family, or stay for more than one day, unless you show another side of him through interaction with the family. And I never quite felt the chemistry between Caspar and Robin reach a romantic level.
Robin seems to face a pivotal decision at the end of the piece: to go or not to go. (The question of to tell or not to tell didn’t seem to be a consideration.) Yet, because her dreams of travel are only briefly mentioned, her decision doesn’t seem to be a hard one—and not as climactic as the story deserves.
I really enjoyed jumping into this world,
James
Dear Michael Booe,
On the surface, “Forward Motion” is about a world where the oil supply is extremely limited to the point that cars, tankers, jets, etc. are a luxury and transportation of goods, such as food and medical supplies, is very expensive. In general, the world seems to be coming to an end. Set against this dark backdrop, we get a suspicious government agent, a mild romance with an elementary school teacher, and one man’s decision to action to make the world a little better (or so he says). On the inner story level, the story is very cleverly about none of these things, not even the politics of this dark, new world you have imagined, but rather about the age-old tension between duty and freedom manifested in Robin Saro’s battle between her familial obligations, which focus on her relationship with her father, and her dreams to fly and see the world.
You write the most beautiful sentences: “fingers of cement and steel and glass reaching toward the sun” and “the droplets of water stung just a little bit as they crashed against her face” and “the blue mantle of the sky stretching to the horizon in every direction.” You have an awesome sense of detail and a real command of language; it’s just too cool. I liked the way you slowly introduce the reader to this oil-less world; you do it in such a way that doesn’t feel forced and doesn’t place too much emphasis on the setting. I really liked the way the father-daughter relationship is suggested mostly through actions and dialogue, Robin’s attention to him at dinnertime, Mark’s “just give a holler” that is directed just at her, and that last image of father and daughter working on the blueprint. I didn’t feel like there was the same level of complexity with the mother, although this may be purposeful: perhaps you were trying to show what the future holds for Robin in the stereotypical intense-domesticity of the mother? that the path of duty and obligation means housecleaning and ready hospitality? I think this is an interesting possibility, if intended, and could be brought out more—what does Robin see when she sees her mother?
Although I felt like I knew Robin and her love of math, her determination to find solutions through hard work, her modesty about her intelligence, and so forth, I found myself wanting to know more. What, for instance, is up with her constant deference—her parents are Father and Mother with capital letters and a man her age or younger is not David, but Mr. Caspar? While I understand that she is respectful and obedient in many ways, I felt like I need to see the struggle between her obligations and her dreams even more developed than they are here. I don’t see a lot of the Robin that may have been, the one who was going to be an engineer and travel the world, outside of her work on the blueprints. With Caspar’s arrival, you have a great opportunity to show Robin outside of the family sphere and I think that scene in town with the ice cream cones could be expanded to let Robin talk more about her regrets as well as her dreams. David Caspar is another character I found myself wanting to know more about. Why does he take so long to say “David’s really sufficient” and why does he forgive her so easily on pg. 14—that really tense moment disappears too quickly for me—is he telling the truth? I wasn’t quite sure. While it’s evident that Robin believes so, should the reader? I definitely don’t want him and his dramatic crime to be the focus of the story, but I did want to know with a little more certainty whether he was a good guy or a bad one. In general, I really like the interaction between Caspar and Robin, the way he didn’t look at her at first, the kiss at the end, but the conflict parts felt a little quick as I said earlier. Although she goes back to the trunk later, she seems to give up too easily or doesn’t dwell enough on his response when he yells at her. Just adding a few sentences of description—his contorted face, the smoothing out of his suit, perhaps it takes her a while to open the backdoor and he looks intently at her—would strengthen this moment. I felt the same of pg. 14, I just wanted to see more of her fear and really feel the tension of that moment.
“Forward Motion” is a really interesting story with great potential. I think it’s just a matter of slowing down the moments of conflict and polishing (just a little bit) your characters. Michael Booe, I love your writing—it is clean and elegant and smart. Good luck with revision!
Jessamyn
Michael:
The outer story is about Robin struggling in a world in the near future where we have essentially run out of oil. Caspar comes with valuable technology and offers to take Robin away. The inner story seems to be about a loss of optimism. The philosophy driving the piece seems to be most poignantly described on the top of page 12 (“Now we have to struggle to hold on to what we have.”) How would ideals like romance and escapism survive in this world?
You have a fascinating premise and you are very convincing in your language. You rely on the realism of specificity, and retain complete authority. When you talk about Strategic Reserve and oil fields, it’s really believable. The only point where I questioned this scenario was at the very beginning, actually. By introducing the lack of fuel in Ruth’s thoughts on page 2, it feels forced. I would instead introduce the situation with the casual details you use for the rest of the piece.
In general, in fact, I found Robin’s thoughts to feel unnatural. I felt like they were often very “device-y.” In thoughts, she explains a lot. She also directs our own attention to specific questions. I kept wondering if there was a more organic way to introduce this information. For example on page 8, while I like the idea of San Diego completely destroyed in an earthquake, the interjection of explanation before dialogue pulls me out of the story. On a tangent, I would love to see more physical description of this world. Something about “apocalypse ashes” screams for visual details. I get this eerie sense of Elizabeth, with Robin’s victory garden and small schoolhouse. I want to know what the horizon looks like. I imagine the dust bowl.
Lastly, what drove this piece for me was the really rich philosophy behind it, not the mystery of Caspar. As a result, I felt like the climax was when Caspar asks Robin to leave with him, not when she finds out what the steel cylinder is. The language of the story, however, seems to build up the latter. This part was resolved too easily for me. She sees this suspicious cylinder, then Caspar is completely forthcoming with her, and then on top of that, she completely believes him. Also, I was really caught off guard by the romantic subplot. Ultimately, though, I was satisfied with the ending, which came back to the idea of optimism, and the indulgence of engineering.
It’s admirable how daring you were with this draft,
-Michelle.
Michael:
The outer story is about a young elementary school teacher, Robin Saro, who lives in the future after oil reserves have been depleted. A man, David Casper, a petroleum engineer, comes to stay at her parents’ house where she lives, and they end up developing a kind of relationship/connection before she discovers that he’s hiding something in his trunk. She secretly opens it and discovers that he’s stolen a “special high density fuel” from the government and is taking it to Europe. He invites her to come along, but Robin decides she needs to stay at home and take care of her parents. The inner story is the idea of movement and progression that David Caspar represents. Robin is living in a world of regression and lost hope, and Caspar offers her a chance to break away from that. In the end, Robin resorts to stay in her simple slowed-motion life.
I really like the way this story moves- how we get to know Robin and her parents, are introduced to Mr. Casper, and then move through a building tension before Robin eventually finds out what he’s hiding in his trunk. It’s very well-structured; I never find myself getting confused. In addition, I think the idea of this world is very intriguing, and I think you pull it off quite well. Robin’s life seems very simple and slow, but also pleasant in that it isn’t filled with the stress and rush of today’s world. Your description is also great, and you build the tension very well. I love the relationship between Robin and her father and the way you fit their hobby of drafting planes into the bigger theme.
I thought that Robin’s personality could have been fleshed out a little bit. While you get her immediate impressions of life around her and the knowledge that she had to leave school before she got her degree, you don’t know much. I can’t see her either. Does she wear makeup…do people wear makeup in this progressive world. I’m curious to know what it’s like to be a woman in that world. I also don’t feel a chemistry between Mr. Caspar and Robin, and when he kisses her at the end, it feels weird. Him asking her to go with him also seems a little bit out of the blue. Use their day out together to show more connection between them. As it is, there isn’t enough…it just feels like strangers going on a rather awkward outing together. I also thought this world that you created, while intriguing in imagination, is not very vivid in your story. I can’t really picture what it looks like, and it seems pretty similar to today’s world, if only a little bit paired down with the gardens and the bicycles. I want to see it much more and to better understand why the world has regressed so much – are there really no more skyscrapers? I feel like if there’s electricity (the lights being turned on and off and TV) there’s got to be some progression happening, and I don’t see any. And what about electric cars? I feel like I need a lot more explaining in order to believe that this world exists. I also feel like if Robin teaches history on a regular basis, she’ll know a lot more about the past than she seems to. I also think you could play up your underlying theme regarding progression and forward movement. As it is, I don’t think it’s clear enough. I want to really get a strong sense of it through Robin’s and Mr. Caspar’s relationship, but it’s not driving it home for me. I think your end could feel a lot more powerful if you build their relationship up a lot more and contrast their two lives, or at least Robin’s current life and Caspar’s future life. Maybe give us more of a taste of what the future holds for them.
Great story!
-Brodie
Dear Michael,
The external story in “Forward Motion” takes place in the future, when the world’s oil has almost run out. A mysterious visitor comes to Robin’s house, and eventually reveals that he is transporting an oil-saving device to developing countries. To me, the internal story is about a woman’s disappointment and frustration with a world so stuck in environmental disasters, and finding hope in a man who is trying to save the world.
What a cool idea (and scarily possible)! This is such an interesting concept, and you do a great job of exploring a science fiction-type situation while keeping it very much grounded in reality. I love how there are such recognizable things to readers’ contemporary lives, and yet there are details thrown in that create this world very foreign to us. I think you do a great job of balancing that. While there are familiar things like the need to replace the caps on kids’ glue sticks, there are the crazy situations like the destruction of San Diego in earthquakes and fire. It’s such a convincing world because only certain parts of it are different.
Another great aspect of this story is the way you structure the story. The story is basically linear, but it uses references to the past in interesting ways – like through the pages of the history book, or through dialogue. Also, the structure of the story is very suspenseful, and does a great job of building tension. It starts feeling a little spooky, and you play that up, which adds to the sense of surprise when we find out what David Caspar really is doing. With details like Robin’s heartbeat when Caspar first comes, the radio-active symbol, Caspar’s uneasiness about his trunk, Robin’s reaction to Caspar in her room – the story feels like a thriller at times, and it’s fun to keep reading.
To me, something that may need to be worked on a bit is the relationship that forms between Robin and Caspar. It changes from fear to hospitality to fear… and then he kisses her? I know that as things go along, I’m expecting there might be a spark between them, but when it came, it felt strange – like it hadn’t really been built up enough to a point where that action would have made sense. I think this could be shown when they go to town together: instead of giving it in summary, I think it should be in scene. That way, we could see what they talk about, what Caspar is like, how they relate to each other… and we can understand the possible attraction.
Another thing to think about is how the family reacts to this stranger, and what it says about the world in which the story takes place. I think it’s strange that they are so welcoming (especially the mother!), when they all agree that it can be a weird, dangerous place “out there.” I feel like they’d be more suspicious, and this would indicate more of the fear that rules in such a frustrated and helpless world.
Overall, I thought this was an awesome story, and although it scared me a bit, I thought you did a great job of portraying a realistic possibility for our future. (Yikes.)
-Annie Jonas
Michael,
This story is set in the not too distant future and takes place in a kind of post-apocalyptic USA. The story is the story, I don’t see any real substory other than details of the main characters backgrounds. I really enjoyed this draft once I got into it. This story establishes a lot of backstory very smoothly. I have a few suggestions.
I didn’t think that the narrative voice fit. Some of the word choices seemed almost esoteric and pedantic. (proclivity, adroitly, frenetic adamant, recompense, vehemence, etc.) I tended to interpret these as free indirect discourse with Robin, but I don’t think this works. I don’t imagine her, at least from other details, like the loving way she describes her students, to be like this. There is almost a cynical quality to the narration that interfered with me being drawn into the story. I think that the narrator can be detached and seemingly disinterestedly objective, elements that I thought helped, without this severe aloofness.
The paragraph that initially explains what happened, framed in the discussion about history didn’t feel quite right. I thought that the whole lesson plan could have been used to more subtly build up what happens as well as paint the picture of Robin. Math and history are the only two subjects that she covers. This scene is like the establishing shot, I wanted more to be shown in it to get me understanding what kind of story this is. As it is, it was hard to understand what was going on and I was left confused as to what was going on in this world. I didn’t get all that I needed from the children’s questions and her answer that there is no more oil. It wasn’t until a few more pages that what was going on actually became clear.
I don’t see how the family is affected by the loss of oil as much as I would think they would be. I don’t see how they are isolated by not being able to travel more that walking or bike distance. I thought there was a lot more room to actually bring this in, to explain how so many of the comforts we take for granted are absent to them. I wondered if coal is also more expensive now and where they get their power from and if that is expensive too. Do they have solar panels or windmills or other gadgets that become a part of their daily life?
I get this general sense of a post-apocalyptic nation, the riots in Chicago, San Diego being destroyed, London didn’t get hit “as bad” yet I don’t know at all what happened. The EU and the African Alliance I think are mentioned in a vaguely unpleasant way. Are we at war with them? I thought that one alluded to reference would be ok but they are all allusions. I wanted more detail on one or a few of them to help set up this world. Exactly how bad are things? What still works? Do things get worse every day, or is there some sort of uneasy equilibrium?
I don’t understand why the family is so willing to let Caspar stay at their house. Are there no hotels anymore? Why don’t they question why he wants to stay there? Also he becomes endeared to the house without actually doing anything. The mom hugs him at the end and he is treated like a family friend. What did he do to deserve this? How does he get away with kissing Robin, too. And for that matter why would he want to, He has a crush on her? Did she like him too, or was this weird?
A really creative story, and well told. I would like to see how you revise it. Thanks.
-Mike
Hey Michael,
The outer story is about a future (or possibly an alternate reality, although I'd len towards future) where oil resources are all but gone, drastically impairing people's ability to travel among other things. Robin is a schoolteacher who lives with her parents, and one day a mysterious man comes to stay with them. In the end (to make this short), it turns out he's in possession of a special fuel that he stole from the local government and plans to share it with the world. The inner story was more about the restrictions placed on Robin due to this world, and her need for some sort of release.
First off, I totally bought, believed, and loved the world you've created in the story. Every time I felt there was a sort of hole in the logic, you would soon tie it up, and it seems like you really thought through the world from every angle. You also had a lot going on in the story, which I really liked- from constructing this world to the characters' interactions and histories, I thought there was a lot going on and it kept the pace up all throughout the story. The dialogue was also great, and kept me interested. It was a unique and compelling world and plot.
My one concern is that I didn't see a whole lot of emotion or motivation really coming through the characters for much of the story. I loved reading about what they were doing and what was going on, but other than Robin's desire for freedom and Caspar's reveal at the end I couldn't find much of an emotional core to grasp onto for the characters. It just made it seem like things were just happening, and I think especially given the dire situtation there's a great opportunity for the story to pack a true emotional wallop. Finding the inner story was a bit hard, too- and while I'm not one to believe you really need much of a deeper theme (I just think it needs to be a great read, which you accomplished), I think the story could benefit a bit more from higher stakes or a more personal crisis. Somethin' like that.
I really enjoy your style of writing- it's easy to read, very descriptive, and best of all highly enjoyable. I think this story is fantastic, and can only get better by injecting the tale with more character-related content, i.e. emotions and motivations.
Great job!
Dear Michael,
I understood your outer story to be about Robin, a schoolteacher in a futuristic world, who meets a government engineer, discovers his secret, and declines his offer to travel with him. I understood your inner story to be about Robin’s desire to break out of her confined existence, as well as her devotion to her family, and her ultimate choice of family when these two values are placed in opposition of one another.
I enjoyed this story, and, as always, I admire the deliberateness and specificity of your writing. The characters are consistent and well-developed, the plot unfolds in a logical and interesting way, and the details are abundant, well-chosen, and always seem to exist for a reason. You make the daring choice to set your story in a very grim version of the future, and I’m able to suspend my disbelief and accept the world that you create for me. I love that this world is both strange and familiar, and I’m intrigued by the simplicity of this future, and the way that it seems to resemble the past. Progress, it seems, has been lost along with the oil. One thing I love is the way your writing style matches the tone and pace of the world you create: it’s simple, methodical, and dreary without becoming self-pitying. I feel as though the anonymous narrator belongs to this world, and I think that’s a great accomplishment on your part.
I like the fact that this is a somewhat distant narrator, but I find myself missing out on much of Robin’s conflict and longing as a result. Details about eye contact aren’t quite enough to convince me that she likes Caspar, and I want to see more of the tension between them. Similarly, her relationship to her father, while clear, still feels a little two-dimensional. I need to understand the significance of both these relationships, and especially the ways they inspire or comfort her, in order to feel as though her rejection of Caspar’s offer to come with him is important. Right now, I don’t find myself hoping anything – either that she’ll stay or go; I don’t really feel as though I have enough invested in her life and her decision. Further development of her desires and conflicts, primarily through behavior and interactions, should help to further this.
This is a very strong story, Michael. I always enjoy reading your work, and I eagerly await the next version of whichever piece you choose to revise.
Zach
Michael,
The outer story of your piece is the arrival of a mysterious man, Mr. Caspar to Robin’s house, and his eventual proposition to take Robin and see the world. The inner story of this piece is Robin’s conflict between her family and her desire to live a different life.
I think it was really bold of you to do a story in the future, especially one that deals with potent contemporary issues. I enjoyed learning about this world-to-be. I love how you start to hint small…why are first and third graders together? Why does this teacher live at home? Why is there no gas? I enjoyed piecing together the reality bit by bit.
I also think that you have some great descriptions that make Robin, in particular, come alive. My favorite scene is the opening classroom clean-up scene, where Robin, “smiled to no one but herself as she cleaned the dirty tabletops of her classroom, picked up discarded scraps of paper, and but the caps back on abandoned glue sticks” (1). This just completely sets the tone of the piece—rather melancholy and reflective—and is so telling of Robin—responsible, caring and internal. Also, small details like the father’s bathed skin, the muddy garden, Robin’s focus on fixing the garden fence, the thrill of the car ride—these things make me see and understand this alternate world and its characters clearly. I feel the society’s loss, the characters’ loss, the reversal of motion.
I enjoy understanding this society and watching it unravel, until Casper enters the story. After his arrival, which is wonderfully mysterious, I think that the story gets more or less cliché and rather predictable. Of course the two fall in love, have an awkward get-to-know you scene. Of course Robin’s school is cancelled and they spend time alone, getting to know each other. Of course Casper has a heart of gold and wants to, quite literally, save the world. And he kisses her—the romance seemed rushed and far too Hollywood for me to stomach. Would he really ask her, after a day, to come with him to Paris? I think the much more unpredictable answer would be if she left…of course she would want to stay with her family. If staying is a surprise, then let me know why that ending is important and what it says about our protagonist.
In general, what is our protagonist thinking? I felt that she was portrayed as a child, rather than a 30-year old adult. Is she annoyed Casper is so invasive into her life? Is she worried? She seemed far too trusting and wide-eyed, rather than the cynical daughter-of-a-laid-off-enigeer that you set her up to be. She is clearly intelligent and quick-thinking. I wanted to see her ask Casper the hard questions. Like what is the government doing? How can you work for them? What are you really doing here? I wanted to get a hold on her emotions, and more than her pleasure of a car ride—how conflicted is she? How upset is she over her current life? She must be annoyed she still lives at home? Does she resent her parents? Does she long for her past life? Does she hate and love teaching, simultaneously. I think that making Robin rounder and more dynamic will add a lot of tension and intensity to this story. I would also reconsider the romance between the Robin and Casper, and explore the Robin’s tension more fully, as the center of your piece.
Good luck with revisions,
katie
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