Michael, I perceived the outer story as being about a dissatisfied kid, Joseph, with a speech disorder who is taking the bus to school every day because he doesn’t have a car. Eventually, he gets a job as a bag boy at a grocery store, but gets fired after telling the manager, “Fuck you.” However, he’s saved up enough money to buy the car. Guy gets car, then gets girl. I perceived the inner story as Joseph’s frustration over not being able to form close relationships, and his cynicism towards the world he inhabits. One of my favorite parts is when he remarks, “I wanted to ask him if he had, in the end, married out of fear or out of love…I wanted fear to win. I might stand a chance if fear won.” This is such a poignant moment, and says so much about Joseph as a character.
I really enjoyed the tone of this piece. It’s told in a very cold, crisp manner—and really conveys Joseph’s cynicism towards the petty aspects of high school, from relationships, to cliques, to drama. Things are told very matter-of-factly—“…he doubled over and vomited into the street…Amidst the stomach acid and partially digested food I remember seeing the macaroni and cheese we had had for lunch that day….” He’s a distant observer, very perceptive about the world around him—but this distance also implies something that Joseph may not be ready to outwardly admit, that he craves social acceptance, or at least closeness to a select few people. Even his friendship with his “best friend” Eric isn’t a very significant one (“Deep down we did not like each other very much…”). In many ways he sees himself as a superior (“the objective analysis gave me a momentary sense of superiority, an advantage I held over them both”), but at the same time he will readily admit that he had “never so much as held a girl’s hand.”
I was a bit confused over the speech disorder, because I wasn’t really sure what caused it, or what moments caused him to stutter. It would make sense if during two stressful moments (about to swear at manager and about to ask girl if she wants a ride home) the stutter occurred—which would seem to suggest a recurrent problem interacting with others; however, it’s the stutter occurring in the basement that throws me off—it seemed to me to be a rather low-anxiety inducing moment, just hanging out in a basement drinking beers.
I was a little disappointed by the ending in that it seemed like Joseph hadn’t overcome enough to warrant such a great turn of events. Yeah, it was a feel good ending, but I almost wanted him to get rejected—I just felt like not enough change had occurred over the course of the story. That being said, I really liked the interaction between the two; it was funny and real—with the insecurities of each party very evident. My favorite line was “You’re not planning on trying to rape me are you?”
I really enjoyed reading this, and I wish you the best of luck with your final draft.
-Nick
Joaquin, I saw the outer story as the narrator’s old best friend Taylor—who is an irresponsible, girl-chasing troublemaker—trying to arrange a play date with his kids and the narrator’s son; however, the narrator questions Taylor’s ability to take good care of his son, and lies, saying his son has baseball early the next day. This upsets Taylor, who hangs up the phone angrily. At the end, the narrator goes and gets take out late at night, buys a forty, and sits in a parking lot eating and drinking, seemingly reliving his past. I perceived the inner story as being about the narrator re-examining his relationship with Taylor, and the influences that Taylor has had on his development as a person. There seems to be a lot of guilt and indecisiveness in the narrator’s actions, both in the present and the past—namely: whether the narrator should be responsible, or should take risks and be irresponsible (i.e. be like Taylor). A lot of the story is flashbacks.
After reading this story, a quote from Ray Bradbury’s Something Wicked This Way Comes came to mind: “God, how we get our fingers in each other’s clay. That’s friendship, each playing the potter to see what shapes we can make of the other.” The relationship you portray between Taylor and the narrator is incredibly believable; I can definitely relate to befriending troublemakers—and “getting out when there was any real trouble to be had, and just siphoning off a little glory by association for myself.” You also do a great job recreating a lot of moments from elementary school and middle school; this is hard to do—many of us can easily forget. Little things like “Taylor turned the word ‘class’ into ‘ass’ in one of the songs…” or your description of the little league game especially stood out in my mind.
In terms of dialogue, I really liked how it portrayed the different characters’ personalities. When Taylor speaks, it is almost childish and immature (“OK Trish”), whereas when the narrator speaks, it portrays his self-doubt and conveys how self-conscious he is of himself in front of Taylor (“You know, same ol’ same ol’”).
I would have liked better descriptions of the world they’re living in; I thought the description of the little league game was great—I just would have liked to see more moments like that throughout the story.
Overall I thought you did a good job integrating flashbacks into the present scene; there were a couple of moments, though, where I thought the flashbacks interrupted the scene, or were even unnecessary for the advancement of the plot or character development.
Nice work and good luck with your final draft.
-Nick
James, I perceived the outer story as being about a man, Jeremy, who works for a brokerage firm. When a new intern arrives, he becomes immediately jealous and scornful towards him, namely because he has been hooking up with Annie, one of Jeremy’s co-workers, who Jeremy has a very flirtatious quasi-sexual relationship with. Jeremy becomes more and more incensed, which eventually leads to his ordering explosives, presumably for the purpose of blowing up the building. I perceived the inner story as investigating Jeremy’s sadistic tendencies in a kind of surreal world—everyone’s motives, actions and way of speaking are a bit off. Things that should strike people as strange (cutting ones fingers) are overlooked.
The tone was very methodical and upper crust—but also very impulsive. Sentences were short and choppy—and had some pretty strange occurrences which often took the reader off guard (“he wanted to staple her fingers together”)—but they were also devoid of much emotion, and told in a very “tell-it-like-it-is” manner. This definitely added to the sadistic aspect of the piece. Both the dialogue and the tone were very similar to Cruel Intentions, and I thought the relationship between Annie and Jeremy was similar to the relationship between Kathryn and Sebastian in that movie.
I liked your descriptions of the characters, especially the intern—how he “was sex, he projected sex and conquest and lust with every step, was perfumed with danger and aggression”; it’s very apparent that Jeremy feels extremely threatened by this character, and you did a nice job of portraying this sentiment through the description of the intern.
I thought the conflict was very tangible and apparent (the new intern frustrates Jeremy), and the unpredictability of what would happen next compelled me to keep reading. However, I will say that the whole “ordering explosives” thing might have gone a bit too far, just in terms of overall coherency (why would the receptionist grant his wish and order explosives and emergency supplies? Why doesn’t the intern react when he tries to light the cubicle on fire?).
I felt a little bit ambiguous about the ending—I wasn’t really sure what to make of his thinking about resignation, or Annie’s last line “throw it to the birds,” which seems as if it would be powerful in the right context, or if the reader were set up for it. I just wasn’t sure as to what the “it” referred to. I also definitely feel as though there were a number of metaphors or symbols throughout the piece, along with some very artful, poetic imagery—I particularly enjoyed the window breaking into a million pieces, “shuddering into a glassy spider web, but not separating.” That being said, I often didn’t know how to interpret images such as that one, along with a number of others (cutting the fingers, flicking matches into the flower pot). Were they all just supposed to convey an element of destruction? Then why doesn’t the glass shatter? I feel as though you can make things like this a little bit clearer without, of course, flat-out telling.
Overall I thought you did a great job; this was a really unique, creepy piece—I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
I read the outer story of 'School Bus' as a simple one of a boy in high school's drive to get a car and 'be somebody'. I thought that the story really revolved around the inner story, which I read as the narrator's motivation for finding some meaning in a life that he perceives as just sort of listlessly drifting along. There is also the notion of 'the Thing', which I never really was clear on, and it seems that that thread of the story doesn't get closed.
Tone: The narrator has a really interesting tone in this story. He is very cynical and self-aware. He thinks of himself as smarter and better than the other high school students around him, but at times seem to realize that he himself is a bit of a loser. At times I felt that the narrator seemed to think that he was a little bit too smart and was a little to self aware. A moment on page three is an example: "Deep down we did not like one another very much...". This sounds like something an omniscient third person narrator would say. I think that these moments could be made more believable and more powerful if you introduced more in the story to question the narrator's reliability.
Character: Obviously, the character of the narrator is very strong. However, we don't really get many other characters in the story and none of them are particularly meaningful. They are used more as tools to allow the reader to get a better picture of the narrator's character. They work very well in that regard, but I would have liked to have gotten more out of the narrator's relationships. I think that getting to know Eric, or the narrator's parents better would ground the story more and both make the world you have created feel more real, as well as to give the reader a better picture of the narrator as our primary concern within this world.
Crisis: I felt that the crisis, while a well done scene, was a bit of a let down. I think that this was because the crisis was very much an 'outer story' kind of crisis, while the story really revolved around the inner story of the narrator's psyche. The fact that the end result of the crisis was no big deal because he already had enough money for the car weakened the moment as well. I think that if we had a better idea of what 'the thing' was and if it played a larger role in the story, the crisis would have been more meaningful. I think that the ending, in which he rides off with the girl, would have been much stronger had we had a better sense of the narrator's reliability. As the story is written, we are forced to believe that the narrator is very reliable, but something makes me think that he isn't. However, there isn't anything in there to make this any more than a guess, which in the end irritated me a little bit. I kind of wanted it to not be so perfect.
James,
I thought that this story was really great. The outer story is about a stock broker who is a bit of an asshole and the rivalry he has with a poor intern at his brokerage firm, as well as the strange relationship he has with a female coworker. The inner story is that this asshole broker is even stranger than his surface behavior suggests and in the end we are left to ponder where his instability is going to take him next.
Character and Tone: I have to run these two into one category since the third person voice is so close and basically is Jeremy's. I really loved the protagonist's character. He has some really great lines, which you write into the scenes really well. The first two pages, he irritated me, but then I realized that he was supposed to be a huge dick, and that he loved being a huge dick, and I started to love him for it. I particularly liked when Jeremy would say a line of dialoge, which was then followed up by an observation by the narrative voice, which was clearly Jeremy's. Some gems were: Jeremy explaining that this was 'the big leagues' when the intern asked for clarification, Jeremy wondering if a stapler dropped from the 14th floor could kill someone and the intern's "laconic slouch" suggesting sex. There is something about the close third person voice that makes all of these ridiculous judgements so much funnier than if Jeremy were talking to the reader directly. I gives the reader the impression that it is coming to them unfiltered, like Jeremy isn't willfully telling his story. It almost feels voyeuristic. I though that the character of the intern was very well done, especially since we only get a distorted image of him through Jeremy's eyes. I wasn't sure what to make of Annie, or her relationship with Jeremy. This is one area in which I feel the story could be strengthened. I liked the masochistic, destructive streak in Jeremy. Some would ask you to explain it more, but I would suggest against it. I think that any kind of explanation would take away from the voyeuristic aspect of the story, since very little is explained. The only gripe that I have is that I was confused by the whole fireworks, kerosene plot. I couldn't figure out if it was real, rhetorical, or one of Jeremy's jokes. Again, I think the last thing the story needs is a moment like "Jeremy thought blowing the building up would...", but I think through a line or two of dialogue could clear things up.
Finally, there are just some really beautiful moments in this piece. Annie lifting up her skirt to show Jeremy she wasn't wearing panties after she tells him to go to hell, Jeremy wondering about what the building blowingup would look like through the shatterproof windows, Annie throwing the hammer. Very well done.
Dear Joaquín, The outer story of Recollections seems to be about a middle-aged man reflecting on how a childhood friendship has disintegrated with time and distance. The inner story seems to be about a man that is conflicted, and who feels guilty, because he takes pleasure in his superiority over a friend. I think you narrator knows that his feeling of superiority is hollow at its core, and that it’s compensation for Taylor’s charismatic advantage. I like that ultimately, though your narrator admits that his approach might be wrong, he also pursues it because it’s the easy way to go. I like how you’ve tied together the present and past with common themes, like baseball and wives/mothers. It’s nice to see the contrast between how the narrator remembers his time with Taylor and how his life’s become. In many ways it seems like the narrator’s life in the present does not reflect any of the qualities his fondest memories contain—danger, excitement, and risk. I also like the construction of the relationship. I think you do a great job showing why the friendship exists—the narrator likes living vicariously through Taylor, and Taylor likes the attention and pliable company of the narrator. I especially like how you reveal this through the interactions between Taylor’s sons and the narrator’s sons. It’s a nice twist to see how the narrator has grown up to be the sort of protective guardian that he resented so much in his mother. The use of backstory set up the relationship really well, and puts the present action into context. However, I’d love to see some more present action. The story feels a little bit heavy on backstory right now. Also, I wondered about where Taylor is now—if he calls often, if he lives close, if the two friends ever spend time together. The one phone call seems to trigger a lot of reflection and memory—and anxiousness—and so I’m guessing Taylor doesn’t call often. Yet it seems that Taylor lives nearby. It would nice to know why this particular call, in this particular context, is causing the reaction in does. I think this understanding will also give more resonance to your story’s ending. I also wanted to see some more of the narrator’s relationship with his wife and kids, in order to get a better sense of who he is. I think we get a fascinating sense of how he views himself, through his memories, and so developing an alternate view of the narrator by showing how he lives his everyday life would be a great way to show some differences between his self-image and reality. I like the voice you use. It’s consistent and clear, and it shows a lot about personality—I like the way the narrator makes points, then backtracks a little, waffling. The narrator’s rich, “but nothing obscene,” his job’s not boring, it’s “pretty boring.” These kinds of structures do a nice job showing your narrator’s passivity. A final recommendation would be to restructure the piece in a way that has a more defined arc. You dip back and forth between present and past (and to different points in the past), and even though your story’s coherent, a clearer sense of why certain memories are coming in the order they do, and what they’re building up to, and perhaps a more identifiable climax would help the reader. I like the structure now, but you may be able to hold even more reader attention and focus if you structure Recollections so that specific points are consistently built up. I really enjoyed reading your story—fantastic ending especially, James
Dear Michael, In the future, please write more poorly. Your writing is great, and that’s doing bad things to my self-esteem and to my ability to deliver rictus smiles. I read you outer story to be about Keller getting a job and buying a car, and then using that car and some long-sought courage to give a ride to a gorgeous, frigid girl. I read your inner story to be about Keller conquering his insecurities about rejection in order to take a risk, and in doing so winning a measure of confidence. Keller strikes me as someone who values safety, who doesn’t want to put himself on the line for fear that he will be denied. He doesn’t want to seem the fool, and so he uses his obvious intelligence as reassurance, and he uses aloofness to avoid interaction. At the same time, there’s a nice tension between his self-awareness and his desire to interact with people. I think that Keller has so isolated and so insulated himself that he’s come full circle and is able to admire the genuineness of the people he mocks. I read this story to be about him taking that understanding and acting on it, breaking through his walls of safety in order to take a risk and try to connect. I like the way that you’ve constructed your sentences—they are complex and sometimes circuitous, but clear enough to follow, and they nicely convey Keller’s tone and attitude. There was great world choice and lots of vocabulary-expanding moments, but I never felt the writing was to heavy or complex for the story. Occasionally the writing did feel choppy, usually when you used very short sentences. Sometimes it was a nice effect, other times it worked less well. Also, there were some paragraphs that could have been broken into two, I think. (I marked where I thought this would work.) I like the arc you’ve created—I like that you return to similar images again and again (e.g. the school bus, the black girls) while also revealing more and more about Keller’s world, revealing his friendship with (the wonderfully characterized) Eric, his new job, his relationship with his parents. I feel that by the end of the story there is a lot of character development, and that this development drives the piece forward. I never quite got what the Thing was, and I wanted to see it better developed, especially because it’s what’s conquered (“placated”) at your story’s end. I read it to be some sort of a physical impediment that’s a product of anxiety, some sort of acid reflux or stuttering. But I never became well enough acquainted with the Thing for me to understand the full triumph that came with controlling it. I wanted some more resolution at the ending. We don’t get to see Keller’s feelings after frigid girl accepts his invitation. Perhaps you could link the ending image of driving down the road with some sense of confidence, optimism, or (even temporary) freedom from insecurity. Also, I wanted to see some more of Eric. Though well developed, I felt he was a stand in for the piece. Having him re-emerge at some point would be helpful, both for making their relationship seem more plausible, and for showing Keller’s continued development in another context. Overall, I very much enjoyed your draft, James
Michael: The outer story is a sixteen-year-old kid who has a stuttering problem and must take the school bus, because he does not have a car. He eventually gets a job, a car, and the confidence to ask the pretty girl to go for a ride. The inner story is about Keller’s struggle with “the Thing” which leads to his stuttering and how he interprets love as a sixteen-year-old as well as an adult reflecting. The inner story is a little ambiguous for me, though. Maybe because I didn’t expect the ending at all. I thought Keller was cynical and a loner, not just as a sixteen-year-old but as an adult narrating as well. While I recognize this can be a product of repressing true romantic sentiment, I did not expect Keller to come to terms with this by the end of the story. The end makes me feel like all Keller ever wanted was to partake in this fickle world of high school relationships. When I began the story, I felt like Keller wanted out of this world entirely.
The tension between the narrator Keller and the young Keller is really fascinating. I love how we must come to terms with the fact that what he tells us is not necessarily true (“I can’t imagine how I could have discerned that given our distance and acceleration.”) This adds such complexity to the relationship, and it justifies your point of view. I was also really drawn to Eric’s character. His dialogue is a very specific voice. He’s a douche, sure, but it’s evident he thinks a lot about what he says. “What a total homosexual” instead of “what a fag,” etc. I think this scene breaks up the narrative well, because we escape from Keller’s head a little bit. I would try to incorporate more of this into your piece. Not only is it refreshing, but I get to see Keller from a different perspective (“Yeah.”)
While I enjoy the structure of this story, sometimes the narrative becomes a bit too “tell-y” for my taste. As, perhaps, a necessary consequence of a character reflecting on a younger self, he tells us too much about how he was feeling, what he wanted, how he judged others. It’s too easy for the reader. When Keller says he was keeping a running tally of whether people married out of fear or love, let the reader decide which side Keller was on. We know he’s cynical, we know he suppresses romance, we can come to the conclusion on our own. Some of this might be cut as a result of producing more scenes, if you choose to do so. Secondly, when Keller first stutters, I do not realize how central to the story this will be. I actually found the stuttering kind of unnatural. By the time that he tells his boss to fuck off, I finally understand the weight of the Thing. I think I was originally misdirected for two reasons. The first being, I assume his symptoms to originally be nausea or faint. I then see the stuttering merely as a product of that. Additionally, I would assume Eric is familiar with Keller’s verbal tic, yet the narrator writes, “Eric blinked, surprised by this breach of routine and my verbal slip.” Rather, couldn’t Eric try to ease the tension by making a crack about the stuttering? This would convey to the reader how regular an occurrence the stuttering is. I hope that made sense.
It’s great how you really took this exercise somewhere else when you developed it.
Joaquin: The outer story is about Taylor coming back into the narrator’s life, and wanting their kids to play together, but the narrator is afraid for his kid’s safety. The inner story is about their entire relationship and how the narrator now feels superior and how it forces him to let go of the friendship. The narrator seems to want to feel secure in his new professional life, but cannot let go of the insecurities of his past. There is something reassuring in nostalgia, even when it’s about getting into fights and looking at porn.
You’ve got this very conversational tone in the piece, which makes it feel quite intimate. I never feel like the narrator is self-conscious, or censoring himself. He’s incredibly trust-worthy. You also have this great sense of history for the characters. I feel like I could ask you what their favorite flavor of ice cream is or what they keep under their beds and you would know. These characters seem to extend beyond just the world of this short story.
I have to admit, I had a lot of trouble with this story. I was confused from the very beginning, because I felt like this phone call was very unexpected, that the narrator had not heard from Taylor in a very long time, yet as the story progresses, he reveals that he knows all of this current information about Taylor and the kids are already playing together, etc. I also don’t really see the necessity for all of the back-story. If the objective of the back-story is to give depth to the tension over the children playing, then I would choose specific scenes to include that are relevant. Right now, this feels more like an outline for a novel. The narrative wanders from kindergarten to third grade to seventh grade, to college, etc. I frequently find myself asking what the point of the specific flashback is. On the second page, the narrator struggles to alter his tone between how he talked then and how he speaks now “half-professional, half insecure kid.” I find this pretty inconsistent with the narration, however. The tone is so conversational and colloquial. I never feel like a thirty-eight year-old professional is telling me this story (ie: “my mom’s name” on p7.) In a similar vein on tone, the last paragraph on p8 screams to me “here’s the moral!” I think you can successfully incorporate these ideas into the narrative without having to break the story to tell us. I think what would help this story the most is to reduce the scope drastically. I would pick a very specific flashback between the narrator and Taylor and just develop from that point. I currently read this piece and I feel like I have nothing to hold on to. The language gets very general (ie: “Since then, you could say he’s pretty much drifted.”) I respond best to specific lines like “Ever since he found God and started working demolition.” I think the work you’ve done for this draft will be immensely helpful. You know all of these details and you know the history of the characters. I’m just not sure you need to include all of it.
I’d be interested to see how you approach revising this.
James: The outer story is about a broker whose coworker begins to have sexual relations with the intern. The inner story is that Jeremy is in love and drives himself to incredibly self-destructive behavior. I feel like Jeremy wants to have Annie to himself so that he can cut their knuckles together, etc. The love is not clearly defined, and I’m into that. His desires seem to be as impulsive as reaching out and cutting some of her hair off. He seems to act and then understand his own desires (“it wasn’t until he looked up the receptionist’s skirt during a scheduling meeting that he realized his love would be destructive.”)
Wow. The world of this story is incredibly unique. It’s creepy and cold, but sentimental and heartfelt. I love how the action grew on me. In the beginning, I would get caught up in everything. As I continued, I learned how to go with it. By the time he’s lighting the edge of his desk, it’s completely natural. You pull this off, because you keep the tone consistent. It moves at this relentless pace and the reader is expected to catch up. I’m really happy you didn’t try to justify the world. I love the language of the business world. It works so well in this piece, from oil futures to sensitivity analysis. I have real faith in your authority as narrator.
Sometimes, I feel like less is more. Once you establish the tone of this world, I think you can cut back on some of the language that just gets to be redundant. For example, all of the dears and darlings in the dialogue. At first, they’re very successful in establishing the creepy factor. I understand that this world is dangerous: it’s violent and sexual, but it’s professional and has the façade of class. Once that is established, I think these words become less necessary. At the end, I almost feel like I wish I had more sympathy for Jeremy. I think this story is supposed to be ultimately sad. This is about unrequited love. Jeremy remains cold for so long into the piece, that it’s difficult to change gears. I by no means am suggesting that you change the tone of the piece, but perhaps slip in more overt sentimentality disguised in the language you are already using.
The outer story of “School Bus” is Joseph Keller’s frustration at not having a car, working at a grocery store to get a car, and then getting the car (and the girl!) at the end of the story. The inner story is about Joseph taking risks in relationships, in the human interactions he is an observer of, but not a participant. He is bitter, judging others harshly as a self-defense mechanism, and achingly lonely; his one friend a mere partner in a “mutual defense pact.” There is the suggestion that his stuttering, this Thing that personifies his social awkwardness, is part of the reason for his observer status in life.
I really liked Joseph—a lot. He’s a great narrator. His intelligence comes through in his sharp observation and precise diction, which is completely believable because it’s so consistent throughout the story. The first-person point of view is a perfect choice. His inner voice, cold and ostensibly unruffled at displays of puke and just everyday unkindness, provides a great contrast to his stumbling outer voice, stuttering when anything threatens to move him out of his comfort zone. I can see how his intense self-awareness and also his awareness of other people’s failings feed his self-consciousness and loneliness. Despite feeling like I know (and really enjoy) this character, his motivations are just out of focus for me. There is a line that when I first read I thought it out-of-place: “In those days, I assumed it was a binary choice.” This is the real story, I think, this negotiation between fear and love. It is Joseph’s fear of loneliness that makes him take steps toward love, so it’s not binary. It’s complicated—this need for other people who care about you isn’t pure in the sense that love is usually portrayed, which is awesome because it’s so true and real.
But then my question is: What happened in the story that finally moved Joseph? When he finally decides to get a job, I don’t understand why it was that day. It’s obvious that he’s sick of his life, but what makes that day unbearable? Yes, he fails at making eye contact with “the acne guy” but what about that day made him decide to say, “I’m tired of waiting at the bus stop with these people.” Was it his growing interest in Jennifer? Is he afraid of his own desires to reach out? If the Sam-Jennifer break up couldn’t move him to begin his life in earnest, why that day a few weeks later? The reason it’s important to me is because something about the ending felt unsatisfactory to me. I wanted to be outrageously happy for Joseph, but something was lacking. I didn’t really get to see Joseph struggle with himself to move. The people around him, every other character, was portrayed as gross or hideous in some way, except for Jennifer, although even she seems vacant at times. I don’t want to feel like he triumphed over the acne guy or the black girls. I want to feel like he sees them in a better light, that he understands their need for companionship and doesn’t look down on them for it. This could be as simple as coming back to these people one last time before his interaction with Jennifer. What’s changed now after his words with Doyle, after he realizes he can speak and stand up for himself? Does he still see the rest of the world in the same dreary, judgmental way? You show the change to some extent already with the change in weather, “The sun is bright” as opposed to “the whole sky was a uniform gray,” but I think I want more from that last scene. Bring the group back one last time. Other than this desire to feel outrageously happy for this character you portrayed so well, there is not a single thing I want to see different. You have a great sense of detail and your dialogue is realistic and telling. And what I liked most, you have an awesome sense of voice (and vocabulary).
I really enjoyed your story, Michael. Thanks for sharing.
Dear Joaquín,
I read the outer story of “Recollections” as two tense phone calls between the narrator and Smith Taylor about whether of not the narrator’s son can stay over at Taylor’s house. This request brings up many recollections for the narrator and it is these memories that make up the inner story: how does a person negotiate the relationship between past and present loyalties? The narrator owes Taylor for making the narrator cool by association in the past. Yet presently, the narrator has responsibilities to his son and Taylor (and the two little Taylor’s) does not seem like the best possible influences.
There are many layers of conflict and complication in the story and this is what I admire most. There’s this present conflict of how to deal with Smith Taylor. There’s this past conflict of how the narrator’s mom saw Taylor’s parents (there is a suggestion that the father abused the mother, but it is made to the reader not a character) and Taylor himself and how this impacted the narrator’s friendship. There’s this intrapersonal conflict within the narrator about who he is now, a sell-out or a real friend, which comes from the past but continues into the present. There are class tensions and guilt on the narrator’s part. There is also an interesting dynamic with who the narrator is as a parent and in a way, it seems like Taylor is right: He has become his mother, overly cautious and judgmental. The narrator has characteristics that are stereotypically wifely—he is washing dishes when the story opens and the story takes the time to put in the detail that he cooked dinner—and this is suggestive. There is nostalgia for the past, specifically the perfection of baseball with simple, clear rules, and a feeling that in many ways, the narrator is still an insecure kid, playing a role he’s not comfortable with. There is something also in that last great image of the overstuffed Styrofoam container, as if there is too much of the past in the present, that there is something inescapable and sad.
All of these layers work well together and I can see all of them in the story, but I think they need to be developed more. For instance, I wanted to see his interaction with Taylor in music class in full, detailed scene. Did they get the same substitute teacher twice? If Mrs. Krispidiani is subbing for an extended people then doesn’t that undermine the basis of the “easy pickings” thing? Right now, you give me the most important moment, his whiny question and it is exactly this past that still haunts him. The same for the night routine scene—I get the necessary dialogue and alone the words carry the weight they need to, but I want the gestures and description, too. What does Taylor’s face look like at this moment? How does the narrator feel? If the past recollections are in focus, then it does not matter if the present conflict is just words exchanged over the phone line. Other questions I had: why the scene with Diego at the game? What does the narrator see when he sees Diego play? Does he see himself playing with Taylor? There is a very interesting line: “Also in how it makes him stronger” (4). What did Taylor offer the narrator in terms of friendship? Not just glory to be siphoned off, but courage, too. Where is the scene that shows this positive dynamic between the narrator and Taylor?
There are logistical concerns and other small things marked on the manuscript itself, but in general I found your work very rich and layered. I think it’s just a matter of bringing the backstory out into full scene and really giving the reader the Taylor-narrator interaction in the past. Thanks for sharing your story. I enjoyed reading it.
Dear James,
The outer story of “Broker” is about Jeremy and his destructive love (6) for Annie, who expresses her affection in a similarly sadomasochist way. Their mutual pawn in this violent, transformative game of love is “the intern.” As Jeremy and Annie’s relationship becomes more intense, so does Jeremy’s destructive streak and the story is driven by the desire to know how far Jeremy will go. It is a story of escalation and power. Jeremy and Annie are very good at what they do and it is their story—everyone else is unnamed, described only by function: “the intern,” “the boss,” “crunch girl.” I think the inner story complicates this picture of two powerful people playing with each other by focusing of Jeremy’s feelings of being trapped and, in a sense, powerless in this office with unbreakable glass. But if this is the inner story (which I’m unsure about, perhaps the outer story is the inner story in this case), then I cannot read a narrative arc in the same way that I can for the outer love story.
What I liked most about this story is its unblinking presentation of events. Extraordinary things are told without comment, without explanation. My favorite example of this was on pg. 6: “While he buttoned his shirt he told her that he wanted to staple her fingers together.” Here is something incredibly disturbing that is one, juxtaposed with the mundane task of buttoning clothing, and two, not even given direct dialogue. It is told indirectly, almost in passing, and her reaction (“a rain check,” as if it were a movie date) adds to this illusion of normality. The third-person point of view works well here because it provides the necessary distance and adds to the surrealist quality of the work.
At the same time, I think a lot of the inner story would be clarified for me if the third-person narrative was a little clearer, since this point of view is crucial to the style of the story (and I think that how you tell the story is related to why you tell it). For instance, in the second paragraph, there is a single word—“Dammit”—that tells me that we are in close, third-person. “Dammit” is free indirect discourse, so I assume in the beginning that we are very much inside Jeremy’s head. But as the story continues, I am less sure about how close we are to Jeremy. For instance, things like, “This was intoxicating, Jeremy realized” seems further away in psychic distance. So when important sentences like “Had the intern stayed quiet, the end might not have come so soon” (4) come up, I want to attribute them to Jeremy, but there is the possibility that they are coming from a more removed, omniscient narrator. I feel like if “Broker” stayed closer in Jeremy’s head, then I could understand his motivations better and not just his self-destructive streak. Also, the question of believability came up for me. Is it possible that a broker can flick matches into a potted plant without getting the attention of the clients at the meeting? Why does the intern sit idly in the chair when Jeremy tries to burn the edge of his desk? These are things that would normally garner attention, but if I know for a fact that everything I read is how Jeremy perceives it, then I don’t have a problem; rather, I have an interesting tool of characterization and the possibility of an unreliable narrator. At the same time, if the story-world is ours but slightly askew, then I would like to know that in a more definitive way.
I really found your story to be a fascinating portrait—well-fitted with details (“dark purple lipstick” and “black seams down their back”) and entertaining dialogue (I love it, the continued references to glass and birds and the repetition of certain phrases)—of a tense and rich relationship dynamic. I just wanted to know more. When Jeremy thinks about resignation at the end, it comes as maybe too much of a surprise for me. I thought he was bored and constantly pushing the limits of his job, but not necessarily unhappy. I didn’t know how to read his self-destructive tendencies in lieu of his equally destructive relationship with Annie. Your writing is smart and beautiful (your descriptions are elegant and economical), but I feel like I’m reading the story too shallowly right now. I am missing something, and it’s definitely in the story but maybe not as visibly as it could be. I look forward to talking about “Broker” in class and figuring what I am not getting.
Thank you for sharing your story, James. I hope my comments are helpful.
Hi Joaquin, I saw the outer part of your story as the narrator’s recollection (title!) of his relationship with his childhood best friend, and how his feelings toward Taylor have changed over the years. He finds himself avoiding Taylor and Taylor’s kids much in the same way that his mother had kept them apart when they were children. Eventually, the guilt seems to build up on him, and he goes on a drive, reminiscing about the both the negative and positive effect Taylor has had on him over the years, seemingly accepting the relationship as a good thing. I think that kind of got into the inner story- the narrator’s coming to terms with the impact Taylor’s had on his life, seeing it as, if anything, incredibly significant. Taylor’s been a major factor on who the narrator has become, and at the end he accepts that and appreciates it. I loved the character of Taylor in the story- I think you introduced him well in the fourth paragraph on the first page, and you give a good indication as to why the narrator went along with him. Taylor worked well as a sort of lovable scamp, because while I saw the potential negative influences he may have, I still wanted the narrator to acknowledge him as a friend, even let his kids go play with Taylor’s. With that, though, I think the narrator could have been fleshed out a whole lot more- there just didn’t seem like a whole lot to him throughout the story, and he sort of came off as a bit of a jerk. I’d much rather know Taylor and let my kids play with Taylor’s kids than with the overly stubborn and narrow-minded narrator. It was just a bit too much- I wanted some reason for the narrator to be at least appealing if not likeable. I also liked the ideas of the story a lot- of the narrator coming to terms with the relationship. The friendship between the two was very realistic and believable, and I feel I’ve known both types of characters. The nostalgic stories came off very well, showing a sort of fondness along with regret/shame about being friends with Taylor, and it was interesting all throughout. My one issue with the flashbacks is that they seemed to come at inexplicable and forced times- the events of the “present” didn’t seem like enough to draw up an entire recap of the narrator’s childhood. For instance, when he lies to Taylor about the game, he recollects one instance in fifth grade where his mom lied. However, it seemed like too much of an isolated, single specific incident out of decades of friendship to just draw up automatically. I was a little confused about their relationship- had Taylor and the narrator not talked in a while? Because if they had, it would seem like the narrator would be having hundreds of these specific flashbacks all the time, and it was a little overwhelming to me in the story. All in all, I think the strength of your story is in Taylor- he’s very appealing and interesting. I think that all that needs to be done is a little bit of enhancing the narrator, and maybe adding a little more specificity to the “present” events so that the flashbacks seem more fluid and natural. The core relationship, I thought, was fantastic. Good job!
Hi Michael, I saw your outer story as being about Joseph who, after being forced to take the bus home from high school every day, eventually gets tired of it and gets a job so he can buy his own car. However, at work his cynical and antisocial behavior gets him fired, but luckily he’s earned enough money to afford a car and the story ends with him driving his fellow-bus-riding crush home from school. The inner story is about Joseph’s cynical attitude towards the world around him and his perpetual inability to really fit in with the larger social world. I thought the voice of Joseph was very good- very cynical, but in such an open and honest way that it led to some really good, really detailed descriptions of the world around him (the riders on the bus, for instance, or the condom purchase). The story’s as much about hearing this alternate view on the world as it is about the events take place, and the consistently interesting Joseph worked really well for me. I also really liked that you never tried to make Joseph into a whole lot more than he was- that is, you don’t ever try to pass him off as a good guy after all the cynicism. He was likeable as a character in a story but not necessarily as a person I’d like to meet, and I thought that was good. I had a little confusion regarding the characters around Joseph, however. While I know that they are filtered through his skewed perspective of the world, I couldn’t really understand some of their interactions. Mr. Doyle stood out- he made a quick, somewhat jarring switch from a very “have a good attitude!” boss to a total jerk, and it didn’t really make sense to me. I think it would be one thing if his policies were more of a front than anything else, but the way he just suddenly started making fun of Joseph at the store liked that didn’t really fit. I was also a little put off by Jenny, in that I don’t really think we got enough about her- who is she? What sorts of activities does she do? We get Eric’s ideas about her, but I’d like to know her place in the greater social circles, and if somehow Joseph’s success with her could be indicative of a success at least partly at fitting in with the outside world. Last, I wish Joseph might have gone through more of a change at the end- it seems the only differences are that he has a car now, and that he somehow overcame his stuttering to talk to Jenny. The latter seemed a bit too easy- it seems to contradict his earlier difficulties in the story. I really enjoyed reading the story, and I think the protagonist has awesome potential (which is employed throughout). It was a really quick, easy read, but one that also efficiently offered up an entire view of a world that I felt was the same as the real world but altered through Joseph’s view. Great work!
Hey James, I saw the outer story as Jeremy’s dealings with the new intern that comes into his office and enters into a romantic relationship with Annie, with whom Jeremy already has a sexual history (or at least an ongoing romantic tension up until that point). Jeremy’s frustrations with the intern mount and he goes as far as to order explosives, hinting at a violent conclusion to his frustrations. The inner story dealt with Jeremy’s psyche, what seemed like a skewed, perhaps even psychotic interpretation of the world around him, and how he deals with personal relationships. I think that there is a great level of detail in the story, and that it’s done in a very interesting way. Through devices such as focusing on little character actions (i.e. “balancing a hardwood match,” the intern across the streets excercises, etc.) it is a world that seems entirely familiar (the office environment) so I can imagine it, yet it’s breathed a new life through Jeremy’s own unique interpretation. The tone of the story is great as well- there’s a very creepy, foreboding vibe to the whole thing that added a layer of tension and kept me wondering what was going to happen next. I couldn’t have guessed where the story was going to go, just that it was going somewhere, and that unpredictability heightened its effectiveness. I did, however, find the actions and motivations of characters to be a bit too confusing. Many times I found myself just accepting what was going on without hope of really knowing what was in fact happening, and so I think I missed a lot of what the story was supposed to communicate. Things like Jeremy cutting Annie’s hair with a penknife, his suicidal musings, and the finger cuts were dramatically effective but I couldn’t figure out what they meant. There was a great deal of ambiguity and abstraction in the story, but it seemed somewhat attached to a realistic world, so I was confused about what to think of as real and what to think of as just Jeremy’s interpretation. The POV was a little confusing to that end- it was sort of a close-third person on Jeremy, as it seemed to follow his perspective, but it seemed like Annie had similar views, so I couldn’t tell if it was a normal world through a somewhat insane perspective or just a different world altogether, where people like Annie and Jeremy and the intern all share these weird tendencies. The story was very unpredictable, and that made it all the more enjoyable. I think that it could be helped, though, by a little more explanation of what’s going on, because afterward I was not thinking anything specific except for wondering what I should have been thinking. It was a very unique piece, quite unlike anything we’ve read in class so far. I’d be really interested in seeing how the story develops.
The outer story of Broker is about Jeremy Black, and his torrid relationship with Annie, which is threatened by the arrival of a rival in the form of the intern. I think the inner story is about how Jeremy, who on the surface is a cool as a cucumber character, deals with a genuine threat to his heart. I think Jeremy ultimately wants more than casual sex and flirtation, but he’s not quite sure how to get it. Annie remains something of an enigma, but she seems content to engage in casual encounters with multiple partners. The intern just wants to learn the ropes and hook up on the side. I think the prose is this piece was great, and you stayed true to Jeremy’s voice and his sarcastic, cynical observations. You had a good amount of humor and a touch of absurdity, but you never veered too far into the wacky. You crafted a wonderfully vivid picture of this cutthroat brokerage firm. Moreover, Jeremy is a really well-drawn character—we immediately grasp him on the first page through his actions, which include flicking matches at a potted fichus and smoking during a meeting. I also liked the central conflict between Jeremy and the intern, which was sort of understated but carried the constant underlying threat of real physical violence, which is brought up even in the first sentence of the story. Although I didn’t necessarily want things to explode into some kind of unrestrained chaos in the third act, I was kind of expecting it, especially after the line “Had the intern stayed quiet, the end might not have come so soon,” which, to me, was a bit of foreshadowing that suggested there was some kind of “end” for the intern that would eventually be meted out by Jeremy. Ultimately, I don’t think it’s necessary for Jeremy to kill or maim the intern, but I think Jeremy does come off as actually a bit passive-aggressive by the end of the story. I think he should take some kind of decisive or important action by the story’s end—granted he was apparently planning on burning the intern to death, but even in that he is eventually frustrated. I really liked the interplay between Jeremy and Annie, especially their aggressive flirtation and their hot-and-cold bouts. However, I had a hard time reconciling Jeremy’s feelings for Annie with the rest of his character. I think the story would be stronger if you showed us that Jeremy is in love with Annie rather than resorting to telling us (or, if he just thinks he’s in love, show that). This would serve two purposes. First, in general I think emotions come off as more genuine if you prove to the reader, so to speak, that a character is feeling a certain way rather than asserting it. Secondly, because Jeremy is presented as such a slick cynical character, we’re naturally less inclined to think of him as a guy who would fall in love, so when we’re told that he is straight up, it’s somewhat jarring. Additionally, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of the dynamic between the intern and Jeremy because there were still a few questions I had about Jeremy’s character. I see Jeremy as a pretty young guy, good-looking, and something of a stud, because he’s carrying on a steamy extra-marital affair with a co-worker (he’s married to someone else, right?) Thus, I was a bit surprised that Jeremy saw the intern as “sex, he projected sex and conquest and lust with every step…” I got the feeling that Jeremy think of himself in this way. To some extent, I found myself occasionally wondering if Jeremy radically overestimates himself, if he’s not nearly as cool as he thinks he is. I think this would be an interesting direction to go—what if Jeremy is middle aged, balding, rapidly losing his prowess? However, this is probably not what you were going for, so it might be helpful to give a wee bit more backstory/context for Jeremy—how old is he, is he good looking, and so forth. In other words, how much of Jeremy’s self-worth is justified, and how much of it is fantasy?
Great story and I look forward to seeing how it develops, Michael Booe
Recollections
I think the outer story in this piece is mainly concerned with the relationship between the narrator and Taylor, and how tension arises over the narrator’s unwillingness to let his son, Diego, spend time with Taylor’s sons. The inner story focuses on Taylor’s reminiscences about his youth, particularly the time he spent with Taylor. In the end, the narrator seems to want to recapture or relive his youth in some way; although he has since moved and become much more successful, in a financial and social sense, than Taylor, he is almost inexorably drawn back to his childhood. I really like how you developed the relationship between Taylor and the narrator in this story. It felt very real and genuine, and I really liked the shift in power dynamics between these two as kids and as adults. However, although you did a good job elucidating their adolescence together, I felt about hazier with respect to where they stood in the present. On the first page, we’re told the narrator hasn’t heard from Taylor in a while, and he seems pretty disconcerted to be getting a call from Taylor, but I didn’t really feel that in their subsequent conversation, which seemed pretty mundane. The narrator seems to know a lot about Taylor’s doings, and they’re apparently close enough that Taylor can inquire about taking Diego to hit baseballs with his own kids. Thus, I was left a bit uncertain as to exactly how much interaction is going on between these two—are they still relatively close despite the very different directions their lives have taken, or is this phone-call really out of the blue? How long has it been since they last talked? I was also a bit unclear in regards to the reason the narrator lies to Taylor (indeed, we’re told they lie to one another a lot). Why doesn’t the narrator want Diego to hang out with Taylor’s kids? It seems that despite Taylor’s own youthful proclivities for debauchery and wildness, the narrator got a lot out of their relationship—he says “everything exciting and meaningful that happened during my first eighteen years was because of him.” You had some really great language in this piece. I thought your prose was especially good when you described the Little League game between the As and the Rockies. Not only did you paint a very vivid picture, but you did a good job of describing the scene through the narrator’s eyes, which helped develop the character as well. I also liked the final scene of the story, which I think provided an interesting, thematically appropriate conclusion to the story. Although there’s not a great deal of action in this piece, you painted an interesting picture of the narrator, and I was interested to learn more about the relationship between this person and Taylor. However, although I wasn’t necessarily hoping for some kind of major event or revelation in the present, I was hoping that over the course of the story we’d learn something surprising about the past. Again, there doesn’t need to be something world-shattering, but maybe there was a particular event that caused a falling out or rift between them. Or, to answer the question “why this story today?” perhaps this lie that the narrator tells Taylor really changes something between them, perhaps in a very subtle way. Not every story needs to end with “and nothing would ever be the same again,” but I think there should be a sense that something has changed by the end of this story. What has the narrator realized about himself when he has that meal in the elementary school parking lot? I think the story comes close to answering this question, but it’s not quite there.
Dear Michael, To me, the external story is about a junior in high school who hates taking the bus, and therefore works in a grocery store until he earns enough money to buy a car. Along the way, he discusses people and events in his life. The internal story is about this guy who struggles with a speech impediment, his inability to interact with women, and fitting in with the world around him.
This was a really cool story, with funny and astute social observations. Doing the story from the first person is so effective; the awkwardness feels real and intimate. I love how the narrator notices all the social interactions around him, from the telling spaces between the acne-covered guy and pudgy girl to the uncomfortable black girl standing alone for the first time. One of my favorite moments is when the narrator makes brief eye contact with the acne guy, looks away, and spends the rest of the time trying to catch his glance again for redemption. I have personally done that so many times, and the way you articulated it was perfect – it made me cringe a little bit in its awkward familiarity.
Another great thing about this story is the tension created between the narrator’s wanting to separate himself from others and be alone, versus his desire to engage and interact with other people – especially girls. It’s so interesting how he has comments like “If I could do that, my thinking went, it meant I could acclimate myself to being alone. Someday, I hoped, I would not even want to look at all,” and that he worked at the grocery store because he thought he could be alone. And yet, he also dreams about making love to Jennifer and eventually is brave enough to give her a ride home.
Something that confused me was the scene at the grocery store. I liked a lot of the descriptions, about how the narrator was ironically forced to be friendly to the customers because of competition with Wal-Mart. But I wasn’t sure what the deal was with the creepy guy buying condoms, and why Doyle got mad at the narrator for what he said. Also, I wondered if the stutter had come out beforehand or that was a new thing to show at work (considering he was hired for being so articulate). Is Doyle just picking on him to pick on him? Why does the narrator care so much? I thought this vignette could use a little clarification.
Another thing I wanted to understand was the narrator’s relationship with Eric. Why would he spend “almost every night for the past three years” in that basement if he didn’t even like the guy? I love the observation that, “Deep down we did not like one another very much, but both of us were wise enough to know we could not do any better.” But I don’t know why they’d even be attracted to friends with each other at all. And why they’d spend so much time together, knowing it wasn’t right. Has the narrator tried to be friends with anyone else? Wouldn’t he maybe rather spend more time alone? Also, what does he do when he’s alone?
Overall, I really enjoyed this story, and thought it did a great job of taking me inside this guy’s head.
-Annie Jonas
Dear Joaquin,
To me, the external story is about a grown man who hears from an old friend, which brings back memories, and he avoids letting their kids spend time together. The internal story is about a man who is having trouble reconciling his childhood with who he has become. The status has shifted between him and his friend, and it leaves him with conflicting emotions.
I really like how this story examines the role of childhood friends in later life. The tension between how the narrator used to act and how he acts now, how he used to follow Taylor’s lead and now he tries to give Taylor advice, how they met because Taylor pushed him in the mud but now Taylor has the big house and trips to Europe. The power has shifted in the relationship, and it is interesting how the narrator thought he would want that, but now doesn’t like it. I like how the narrator understands how Taylor influenced him to a certain extent, of how being bossed around “makes him stronger.”
Another great thing about this story is how certain parts are extremely detailed. Whether describing the baseball game or the Styrofoam container of food at the end, the descriptions are vivid and complete. You describe all the different senses: smell (“the heat makes the whole field smell like cut grass”), sound (“batter clinks the bat”), touch (“the little kids wear hats under their helmets because they are too big for them”), sight and taste (“kids eat orange slices and drink Capri Suns”).
Something I was confused about was the description of Taylor on the first and second pages. The narrator mentions the detail, “Ever since he found God and started working demolition,” and this leads me to make a set of judgments about Taylor that are often contradicted or ignored later in the story. The narrator never really mentions Taylor’s religiosity again, and in fact shows him to be a pretty immoral. I have trouble picturing what Taylor is like in the present. Also, I wonder why he cares so much about their kids playing together, and why he is suddenly so persistent about it.
Another thing I think could be developed in this story is the use of flashback. There are some very specific memories from a very long time ago, and it is surprising that a 38 year old would still remember a name like “Mrs. Krispidiani..” I find myself wondering why a grown man still focuses on stories like these. Sometimes it feels like the stories told through the voice of the narrator are told through his elementary school self, instead of being filtered through the grown man he is now. Are the stories he mentions really the most important ones to show what their relationship was like?
Overall, the story is really interesting, and I respect the angle that you’ve taken.
-Annie Jonas
Dear James, To me, the outer story is about Jeremy, a high-paid, high-level, high-stress broker who gets upset when his girlfriend/wife sleeps with an intern at the office. The internal story is about a very destructive and reckless man, who is accustomed to getting his way, and can’t handle it when he doesn’t.
Wow, James, what a story. I love how fresh and creative and crisp it is. This story does a great job of painting vivid and intriguing characters, none of whom I really like, but all of whom I like watching develop. The details chosen to describe Jeremy, and how he views the world, are so telling. The fact that he cuts himself during meetings, smokes to piss off the bosses, watches the female intern across the way even in front of Annie, thinks such violent thoughts, and gets so jealous of the male intern are such interesting dynamics in his character. He is a disgusting person, and yet I can’t wait to see what he’ll do next.
Another great aspect of the story is how much is expressed through “showing, and not telling.” Sorry to use the cheesy phrase, but I think it’s true. Instead of saying that James gets anxious when Annie’s presentation goes well, he “made two cuts in the tip of his index finger and excused himself because he was bleeding.” Sometimes the story comes through action, and sometimes through dialogue, but rarely through narration. The story ends up feeling fast-paced and forward-moving.
Although I love how much this story is in the present, I must admit I found myself wanting even just a little taste of back-story. I like that we get hints about the past through present actions, but I feel that they sometimes are fuzzy and confusing. For example, I don’t know if Annie is Jeremy’s wife, or another lover outside of marriage. And if he’s married to someone else, what is the deal there? And why is Annie with Jeremy at all, if he’s such a creep? It’s hard for me to believe that she finds anything about him attractive. There are just some things I think would be more understandable if they had a little more context and background.
In terms of Jeremy’s violence, I’m having conflicting feelings over whether it is believable or not. I do believe he has very violent thoughts, and can believe that he is self-mutilating. But when he acts violently towards other people – such as cutting Annie’s hair or telling her he wants to staple her fingers together, or threatening the intern with fire and his penknife – it’s harder for me to believe he fits in this business environment.
Overall, this is a fascinating story, and I look forward to discussing it in class. Like any good fiction, I think there is still more I will discover about it once we start talking about it. Great work! - Annie Jonas
Dear Michael, I thought that the outer story of this piece was that narrator’s effort at getting a car. He is forced to take the bus, then finally decides to get a job at a local market so that he can save the money for a car. The inner story of this piece is a look at the narrator’s changing self-confidence. From a sarcastic and quiet outsider to a much more assertive player in his own life, the narrator undergoes a clear transformative arc in this story. I think the strongest thing about this story is the narrator’s characterization. I though that the best moments of this story were Keller’s neurotic, fascinating thoughts. I love how he analyzes the awkward couple, and his “objective analysis gave [him] a momentary sense of superiority” (1). Not only does this line clearly express the often disdainful yet realistic tone of Keller, but it also provides an interesting reflection on himself. He knows he felt superior-- it is unclear whether he knew them or now as reflects on the past-- but this double layer of personality disclosure is great. Likewise, I love hoe Keller says about his friend Eric that “Deep down we did not like one another very much” (3). It is so honest and frank, and yet once again reflects upon himself as well. Why does he hang out with someone he dislikes? It is perfectly high school. Similarly, I really enjoyed Keller’s discussion of reasons for getting married, and I think this could be expounded upon even more. At the same time, I think that some things that Keller does seem un-Keller. Why does he assume the acne guy hates him just because Keller happened to glance away when they made eye contact. Keller seems overly sensitive, here. Then, on pg 8, he is rather snide to the man that is buying condoms, saying, “Just be careful there, Mr. Hubbard. Well, I guess I don’t need to tell you that.” Why is Keller suddenly so aggressive here? There wasn’t enough change/growth in between these two incidences to make me expect this different tone. Also, I wonder if there is a way to make some elements of this story more understated. I didn’t think that you needed to call the narrator’s anxiety “The Thing.” We know that he is nervous and unsure of himself. I think you show us enough--through his stuttering and passive voyeurism-- that we don’t need to be told each time he starts to get apprehensive. Also, I wonder if there is a better way for the narrator to conquer The Thing without telling his grocery store manager, “Fuck you.” Even though the manager was looking over his shoulder, Keller was rather presumptuous to the smelly condom-buyer. I took this scene to be the climax of your story, and yet I am not sure if I understand why Keller responds so strongly at this point--things seem unanswered. When did he save up so much money? Did he know he didn’t need the job that day? If he didn’t need the job already, then why was he still working a job that he disliked? Clearly, a change takes place in Keller’s character, but I am not sure what spurs it on. Is it watching the lonely people that surround him in the bus? Is it wanting to talk to Jennifer so badly? Is it him finally realizing that he dislikes his friends and the way his life has turned out in general? What is the impetus for change? I think you have a really strong character and a lot of great moments and details to work with. Good luck with your revisions, Katie
Dear James, The outer story of this piece is the arrival of the intern and how his presence affects the interpersonal relationships at the brokerage firm. The inner story of this piece is understanding the complex psychology of the protagonist, and how his love for Annie grows and changes. I think a strength to this piece is its boldness in creating a character that is incredibly strange, unlikeable in almost every respect, and yet also very intriguing and intelligent. Jeremy is witty and anti-establishment. I love how he starts smoking just because the partners banned it, and notices things like how the firm is high pressure but “well stocked on bagels.” (1) He at times seems so smooth and James Bond-esque. When Annie says “ Somebody kill this man,” Jeremy wonderfully responds, “Do it yourself, darling…be a go-getter.” Jeremy appears be one of those high-powered, smart, rich business men, yet he is completely unstable. Similarly, he seems not to care about Annie and her relationship with the intern, acting aloof and nonchalant about everything, yet we as readers know that her affair hurts him deeply. I think these dualities in his characterization add a complexity to his character that can be played up even more. As much as I love many of the details that define Jeremy, many of them also struck me as off, and, almost paradoxically, out of character. Does he really send “flaming pinheads” into a planter during a meeting? Cut a lock of Annie’s hair without her putting up a much bigger and angrier fight? Grab papers from the intern’s hands, saying they are “confidential?” Try to burn his own desk? Jeremy doesn’t strike me as the childish type—he might play games, but I don’t think his actions would be so bizarre. I think more consistency in what he does would help us understand both how he feels and how he tries to deal with these feelings. Ultimately, I felt like this story is about Annie and Jeremy, and more specifically what Annie means to Jeremy. We get interesting details about their relationship—that it is very sexual and aggressive—but we are never allowed to understand it beyond a cursory level. Why does Jeremy suddenly decide he is in love with Annie? What made him suddenly realize it? Why doesn’t he confront Annie or Jeremy when he sees them kissing and hears them having sex? Jeremy strikes me as a rebel without a cause, why doe he not have the chutzpah to confront his girlfriend, who is having an incredibly obvious affair? If he can’t talk to Annie about her adultery because it hurts him too much, or because he can’t confront his own feelings on the matter, then I think you need to convey this to the reader more clearly. Show us how he responds to her indiscretion. Let me see his pain. I like that the intern leaves, and Jeremy stands rather pathetically triumphant with Annie by his side, but that ending could have much more poignancy if we understood how much her company truly means to him.
Good luck with revisions, Katie
Dear Joaquin, I felt that the outer story of your piece is the how narrator rejects, once again, Taylor’s offer to have Diego spend the night. The inner story of this piece is understanding the complex history behind the narrator and Taylor’s friendship and how that friendship has dramatically changed throughout their lives. I think that the friendship you have created between Taylor and the narrator is so rich and complex. There are so many moments that really bring the power-struggle to life, that show their differences and that poignantly characterize both men. I love that the narrator, “watched a lot more drinking that [he] actually did” (2), and had to “remember to be inarticulate” when he talks to Taylor on the phone now decades later. There are so many great lines like these that are so telling of their dynamic. One of the greatest parts of the story is how Taylor used to always imitate the narrator asking Mrs. Krispidiani to change seats: “…all the way until high school graduation, back came my voice, always in a high pitched whine. So that’s how I say it in my own memory now” (4). I think this is such a powerful moment in the story, because not only does it characterize Taylor as the funny-meets-annoying, peer-pressuring friend that he is, but we also see how the narrator continued to be friends with him despite his obnoxious qualities. I think most importantly, we see how Taylor has seeped into the narrator’s memories and has deeply influenced his thoughts about himself as well. As specific and multi-layered as I think much of your description is between these two friends, I struggled to understand who the narrator really was. He is so shy and uncertain at the beginning that I thought he had social anxiety or was even autistic. As the story unfolds, however, I realize he is completely normal, with a great well-paying job and a loving family. Why does he not like calls he can’t “rehearse and plot out beforehand” (1), it seems like that is just about every call. Also, after reading about the narrator being responsible in high school, watching and doing homework more than getting in trouble, and not letting his son spend the night at Taylor’s I wonder why he drinks in his car at the end of the story. I didn’t feel like these actions fit with how he is described in the rest of the story. You build up wonderful tension between these two characters, but I felt that the end of this story doesn’t do justice to the fabulous conflict that is building throughout. The climax of the story, to me, was when the narrator says his son can’t spend the night. I would elaborate on this scene. If this isn’t the first time he has said no, why is Taylor so angry? Why is this particular ‘no’ so important? What is it now that makes the narrator evaluate his feelings of superiority? Why now? Also, I was unsure how to interpret his car-ride at the end of this story. Is this the narrator going back to his days with Taylor? Is she trying to incorporate the things that Taylor thought him, back into his life? What are we supposed to take away from that final action?
I think you have a really good start—I thought these were some of the most compelling characters, Katie
The outer story appears to be the speaker’s conversation with his old childhood friend, Taylor – Taylor asks if the speaker’s son can spend the night at his house with his two sons; the speaker lies, saying that his son has a baseball game too early in the morning, when he really just doesn’t want his son to be under Taylor’s supervision or the bad influence of his children. Also, there’s the back story showing Taylor and the speaker’s friendship growing up and where they are now. The inner story is the speaker’s nostalgia for his childhood, when he admired Taylor for being the “king of adolescence” and his sadness over the separation between them that was the result of adulthood. You get the sense that he’s happy to be where he is, but there’s a melancholy to his actions and thoughts that reveal his sadness over losing his friend and the glory days of adolescence.
There are a lot of strengths to this story: the dialogue is very realistic and vibrant…you definitely hear the voice of Taylor, and the voice of the speaker (we never know his name right?) is strong and for-the-most-part consistent. You do a great job of capturing what their childhood was like—it feels very real, and you show the speaker’s feelings towards Taylor in a way that is very honest. The struggle that the speaker undergoes between being a successful parent and husband and missing his friend and the days of his youth is nicely displayed, giving the story a bittersweetness.
I felt like this story needed more weight to make the reader care more for the main character and for his situation. The ending in particular needed to have more relevance in relation to the rest of the story…although his reenacting of an activity he used to do with Taylor revealed to us how much he misses his old life, I didn’t think that was enough. What’s at stake for the reader? I thought you could do something more with the “spending the night” issue – what if he lets his kid go over there without his wife’s permission? He doesn’t have Taylor’s “shield” anymore, and this could seriously affect his relationship with his wife. Maybe something happens to his kid. I felt like if this story is going to be based solely on the emotional turmoil of the speaker, we need that to come through more strongly, otherwise the reader is left feeling a bit empty and unsatisfied. I don’t know much about the speaker except that he’s rich, has a son, a wife, and a trouble-making best friend…what does he look like, how is his relationship with his wife, how is his relationship with his son, how does he feel? I want to really get inside of this person…one place where you really do this well is in the scene where he’s watching his son play baseball. Do that more. There are also many grammatical errors and awkward sentences that I marked. You have some really beautiful sentences too, which I also marked. There is also one paragraph, the one about music class with the substitute teacher, that I though either needed serious reorganization and revision or could just be taken out – it says a lot of things we already know…that they are loud and rambunctious in class, etc. You may not need it. You should also go back through this and decide what details about their childhood are important and what excess information can be eliminated. I thought you hammered the idea of them being rowdy in school a little too hard…we only really need to hear about it once. What you should have more of is the meat of their relationship. How did the speaker really feel about Taylor – did he even really like him? Was he embarrassed of him? Did he feel competitive towards or jealous of him? Make us see these things, and the story will feel a lot more meaningful.
This story is about a broker in a stock/mutual company that is insane. It centers around his jealousy of the new intern in a possible relationship with Annie. I am not sure what exactly the main character wants, except for getting rid of the intern, and Annie.
Narrative Voice The detached third person works very well for this story. It objectively relates even the strangest details without flinching. The narrator moves very fast through the story and though this adds to the sense of the severely unaffected nature I thought that at times you could go more into some scenes to provide a little more clarity. I thought that the middle two paragraphs on p3 could be condensed into one and lengthened. Per haps taking the bit of the description about the city out and talking more about Jeremy, Annie and the intern. Also the scene on p2 where Jeremy muses on his shatterproof windows, I thought this scene could be deeper and allow for a little more insight into what exactly his manias are. The second paragraph on p6 also seemed a little weird to me. I think that maybe it was how it put so many of Jeremy’s ideas into such a small space and actually moved up close to him, explaining what he realized. I thought that the last two pages suffered the most from this style of narrative, I wasn’t really sure what was going on with the fire, hammers, kerosene, intern etc. I couldn’t see where it was going and what was going on with Jeremy. Characters I needed a little more explanation of Jeremy. I got that he was crazy and twisted, but I don’t understand whether he is really intelligent or not. He seems not to do much work why is this? Is he the ceo’s son or is he just high enough up where he doesn’t have to. Also I don’t know if he is delusional or not. I don’t know if the Annie and the intern thing is really going on or if he is just imagining it. Annie works out pretty well. I think that her language could show more of their relationship. I was particularly confused at her reactions to his intimations at some pretty sadistic stuff. She doesn’t have dialogue here and I think that she could. Do they do this? The scene where she is called a cradle robber, is it because of him or because of the intern. I don’t have a great sense of her age and I think that it is important. The intern doesn’t seem nearly as scared as I would imagine. I get two conflicting views of him. One is a symbol of sexuality as Jeremy imagines, the other is just a pencilneck office worker. I think that this difference, if it is real could be played up to heighten the sense of Jeremy’s delusions.
This story is about a boy who escapes his role near the bottom of the high school social scene; however I didn’t get that until the end. Joseph wants a car and to get off of the bus. He also wants the cell phone girl. The story is written in first person, but from much later in life as is evidenced by the advanced diction of the narrator. This created for me a kind of skewed reality because I knew that the narrator would not be able to remember accurately all the minute details and that he would have to fictionalize parts of it, this gave everything a distorted, fish-eye lens effect that really added to the story for me. I had a few suggestions though.
Joseph’s stuttering problem becomes personified as the Thing. This just didn’t feel right or descriptive enough given the insight with which he looks at the rest of the world. Also, I don’t know what brings it on, it just seemed to come out of nowhere on p4. Is it only when he’s nervous? If so what made him nervous here. “The Thing” seems so big, scary and ominous that it distracted me from the other actions of the story; I kept looking for it to come back. I wonder if it could somehow be hinted at earlier in the story and maybe renamed so it doesn’t try to take over. At the bottom of p6 there is a break followed by some more observations of the cast of characters on the bus. It doesn’t seem to fit here. I thought that this section has too much great detail to edit out and rather than do that it could be more smoothly integrated into the story. The narrator simply describes the others on the bus. He leaves himself out as well as his reactions to them. I think that this section is supposed to show his dislike of his situation and his growing desire to distance himself from it as soon as possible, but it doesn’t do this as is. Maybe he could mention at the beginning how much he has made, to put in perspective how much longer he will have to live with this. I love the scene where Joseph snaps. This is huge, his life completely changes here for the better. I was thinking that a little more time could pass between him getting the car and talking to Jennifer. He is changed and I thought that more aspects of his life could change, too. Maybe an interaction with Eric where it becomes evident that the two of them will not hang out together anymore, maybe some musings about pudgy girl and acne boy and what they might be up to now. I don’t know. this triumph didn’t last long enough for me in a story that is all about getting off the bus. He doesn’t seem excited all that much.
Cool story. I am looking forward to talking about it in class.
This is a hysterically black story, dripping with cynicism and wit. I love it.
The outer story seems to be Jeremy’s day-to-day life in the office, his relationships with Annie and the intern, and his masochistic tendencies towards himself, his office, and his inferiors. The inner story appears to be Jeremy’s deep-seated hatred for a job that he does so well and his life at large. We also see his strange almost S&M love relationship with Annie, his perversion and misogynism, and his obsession with pain, sex, and death. This is one messed up guy.
What I love about this story is its understated humor. The humor just happens. It doesn’t force itself on you. There’s a blatant irony about Jeremy’s behavior in a world that is so decidedly crisp and upper-class. His voice is great, and although his behavior is startling, you make his character believable. I loved how you played up unique details, like the purple lipstick and the intern doing crunches. I also really liked the dynamic between Jeremy and the intern…his alpha dog leg-raising was both humorous and disturbing. The clipped subtlety of the story is great for describing this sterile corporate world, and you do a great job keeping it consistent and in close third person.
Unfortunately, within this clipped third-person P.O.V., it’s hard to get a handle on things sometimes. It’s great seeing things through Jeremy’s eyes, but I feel like we need more depth in order to really understand Jeremy by the end of the story and realize what’s at stake for him. As it is now, I’m kind of left feeling indifferent because that sort of seems to be how he feels. I almost feel like this close third person isn’t close at all but more like a façade of a close third person. Maybe he’s too cold to even understand his own emotions and thus the reader can never understand, but make that clear to us. Show us that we really aren’t close at all so that in the end the reader isn’t left wondering what to feel. Some details could be explained better too, like the wedding ring. Where does his wife stand in all of this? And also, what exactly is the nature of Jeremy’s and Annie’s relationship. Is she just having sex with everybody with no strings attached, or are he and Annie actually a couple? I also don’t believe that he’s in love with her, and although I love the coldness if his realization, I’d like to at least get a glimpse of honesty. She feels like an object and not like a person he loves. His masochistic thoughts and actions are surprising and delightful, but we need more background in order to believe them. Why is he like this, and why do people tolerate it? I think his cutting of Annie’s hair might be a little overboard, but I loved everything else…even the lighting of the desk. You might try making the other characters less passive in response to Jeremy’s actions…I almost feel like these people are drugged, they’re so indifferent to his crazed behavior. They should be anxious, bewildered, intimidated, worried, or maybe seduced. But I’m not seeing much emotional response, even from Annie who seems to be an important character. Finally, I’d like to see the ending be stronger – it kind of leaves us hanging and without any sense of change. It should reveal something about Jeremy’s character, his life, or his relationship to Annie (which seems important but understressed). Let us pierce through his icy fucked-up surface just once. ;) Fantastic creative work! -Brodie
I understood your outer story to be about a hardworking family man who is still in contact with his troubled best friend from childhood. I understood your inner story to be about your narrator’s conflicted attitude towards Taylor, and his struggles to reconcile their long friendship and strong memories with his discomfort about having his own son spend time with the adult Taylor and his boys.
One of the great strengths of this piece is the terrific cast of characters. The first person voice is strong, and you do a great job of subtly-but-clearly conveying your narrator’s complex sentiments towards Taylor. The way that he questions his own actions – especially the way he talks to and lies to Taylor – is great. The brief descriptions of the family are also very specific, and they convey a great deal of information very economically. Taylor is also a great character. He’s crazy and entertaining, but he’s also real enough that I found myself relieved that I didn’t know him. And yet, best of all, in some ways he felt very familiar, not all that unlike people that many of your readers probably know. The evolution of the friendship between Taylor and the narrator is wonderful. You do a great job of showing how each of them has changed individually, and how the dynamic is changed, and the process seems natural and interesting rather than forced or heavy-handed. It’s a great accomplishment to explain the evolution of a friendship in a way that is both captivating and familiar, but you pull it off. The dialogue between the two is especially strong.
One question I have is about the era in which this story is taking place. The memories of childhood with Taylor and the present day narration both feel very modern, but obviously these are not both possible. I’m not saying that you should get caught up in 1960’s/1970’s or futuristic details, but I do think you need to differentiate somehow between the different eras that your story covers. I was also a little confused about the current status of the narrator’s friendship with Taylor. He seems very up-to-date on Taylor’s life, and their kids are even friends, but yet in the opening scene he seems terribly shocked by Taylor’s phone call. If Taylor is still very present in the narrator’s life, why is this phone call so unexpected? If Taylor never calls, how come there seems to be a tradition of him asking to have Diego over? Finally, while I loved the feeling and specificity of the ending, I wasn’t quite sure what I was supposed to take away from the story. It perplexed me that he was repeating his long-ago tradition, only without Taylor. Is he trying to feel closer to Taylor, but this is the best he can do? I wasn’t sure.
Overall, you’ve got a really great start here. I was interested the whole way, and I even wanted more of these characters. I look forward to seeing where you go with this.
I really enjoyed the idea of a character who feels guilty for doing the right thing and making good decisions. This story is about a main character who feels bad about abandoning his childhood friend and his musings on the past. I think that what he really wants is to get rid of his guilt. He wants to stop feeling bad about the fact that he is successful and that his friend is raising children to be just like him. He is also struggling to deal with filling the hole that Taylor left when he moved out of his life. This story is extremely readable and very easy to understand. It deals with really human, basic issues. However, I still found myself questioning different aspects of the Narrator’s actual feelings. In comparison to Taylor, who has a backstory and emotions, he seems rather flat.
I don’t really understand where all the awkwardness in the two’s current relationship comes from. The narrator seems almost scared of him. Or maybe he really dislikes him. In a lot of his recollections he remembers when Taylor teased him or the fact that Taylor was strong where he was weak. Now, that he is on top I don’t understand why he still has this fear of Taylor. It’s as if he has never recovered from this and even now is still submissive. I thought that this whole concept could be explored more, maybe in the paragraph at the bottom of p8
The scene of his son’s baseball game left me wanting something. It is wonderfully described. I knew that it related to his past with Taylor, but I wasn’t sure how. The narrator seems very nostalgic here and almost a little sad. It’s like he wishes his son had a best friend on the team or that he could re-live his own baseball days. I think the narrator could be more interactive here.
Towards the end of the story, I wasn’t sure who was the focus of this story, whether it was the narrator or Taylor. I think that the last page and a half would indicate that it is the narrator. I wanted to see just a little more feeling in the narrator’s recollections, like on p8 where he called the narrrator’s mom a bitch. There was just silence. He never talks about what he was feeling during those recollections. Even with the whole part on baseball Given the lack of insight to his feelings, I don’t understand his actions at the end of the story. Is he proving that he can be like Taylor on his own, that he doesn’t need Taylor, or is he reliving a past where Taylor was still around.
The outer story appears to be the speaker’s day-to-day routine of going to the bus and his shrewd observations of the people around him. The inner story looks to be his overcoming of a kind of social phobia that seems to hinder him up until he’s able to ask Jennifer if she wants a ride. It also seems to show us him growing up, getting a job and a car, and eventually being able to talk to a girl.
I absolutely love this character that you’ve created. He’s so utterly shrewd and funny but completely a socially inept dork on the other hand. The reader loves him and sees his vulnerability underneath the cynical front his voice puts on. I love how scarily aware his is of his surroundings, noticing everybody and everything, worrying and caring about them. It’s really touching that although he’s unable to relate or talk to other people, he’s able to feel so strongly about them. You chose your words beautifully in this story as well.
One thing I thought could be clarified a bit more was this Thing that seems to be permanently planted inside the main character. What is it exactly? It seems to always result in a stutter and him losing control of himself, but the reader doesn’t really understand what it is. It almost seems scarier than it actually is…maybe you could describe it more, explain its history of infringing on the protagonist’s attempts at being social and dealing with life. I appreciate the ending, where he is able to talk to Jennifer and suppress the Thing, but I don’t see anything especially powerful about that. He’s suppressed the Thing before. Although we see him change in more shallow ways – getting a job, then a car, and then finally being able to interact with a girl – I’d like to see him change and grow psychologically as well. Let us see his thoughts and ideas evolve.
I think this is a brilliant story and can’t wait to see where you take it.
I understood your outer story to be about a broker named Jeremy who dislikes the new intern in his firm, and is prepared to destroy the firm when he discovers the intern is leaving. I understood your inner story to be about Jeremy’s love for his coworker Annie, his destructive drive to create excitement, and his intense dissatisfaction with his job and his life.
First of all, I want to congratulate you on writing an extremely original, totally bizarre, absolutely fascinating story. I spent about the first three pages trying to figure Jeremy out, and then I gave up and enjoyed the incomprehensibility of his behavior. What I especially admire is that you managed to make his behavior both astonishing and consistent. The strange things he says and does do not feel random; instead, they create an intriguing character who seems believable and sympathetic, if not clear or complete. I think the use of terse, limited-but-distant third person point of view is a fantastic choice. It allows us to focus solely on Jeremy, but it also keeps us struggling to understand him. I’m not sure we ever actually enter his thoughts, and I think this makes the story exciting and almost a little creepy: what exactly is going on in that mind? I especially enjoyed his observations of and interactions with the unnamed intern. I found myself wanting to pity the poor kid, but at the same time I felt strangely and fiercely loyal to Jeremy. I love the fact that we never quite discover the history or status of his relationship to Annie (a wedding ring is mentioned, but we never learn if she is his wife). The ambiguity of that relationship makes his behavior towards the intern especially interesting, because we don’t know just how affronted he should be by the intern’s affair with her.
While I love the style of the narration, and a great deal of the ambiguity, I did find myself feeling not-quite-satisfied at the end of the story. I wanted to know a little more, and I think one way to do this while still maintaining the wonderfully distant narration could be occasional brief, sentence-long references to the past. Flashbacks in the form of scenes or half-scenes would be a poor fit here, but I think scattered lines that give the reader clues as to how James got to this firm, how long he’s been there, when he met Annie, and so forth, could help make the picture a little clearer without compromising the ambiguity of motivation that I think is essential to this piece. I love the last scene, because in many ways it’s the first time I really understand his thoughts or behavior. A few more clues here and there would be helpful.
This is really great work, James, and I admire the way you transport your reader into a bizarre and totally enchanting universe. You also have a gift for making morally questionable characters seem frighteningly appealing, and you’ve done it yet again. Nice job!
I understood your outer story to be about Joseph’s decision and efforts to earn money in order to get a car and somehow elevate himself above his lowly existence. I understood your inner story to be about Joseph’s quest for self-confidence and self-respect.
I’m going to start with the ending. It’s terrific. It’s a small event, but we understand the enormous significant that it holds for Joseph. You write this last paragraph in such a matter-of-fact way, and I imagine that this is exactly how Joseph would tell it: trying desperately, and somewhat unsuccessfully, to act like it’s no big deal. In general, the tone of this piece is terrific. It’s very funny, but we also sympathize and relate to the way that Joseph takes himself very seriously. I especially enjoyed the section about his employment as a bagger. His various trials and tribulations were so inventive, so believable, and so consistent with this great character. As has been brought up in class before, I also like the way you juxtapose his expressed contempt for romance, etc… with his clear, unspoken desperation for it. First person narration is a great choice for this piece, because you offer a compelling narrator who explains himself to us, and yet you allow us to understand him better than he himself can.
One thing that didn’t quite work for me was, in fact, “The Thing.” Joseph is so articulate and self-aware throughout the story (even when his self-awareness may be slightly deluded), that his inability to express this feeling seems strange and forced. My larger criticism is harder to explain: I feel like there are four distinct chapters to this story (the bus scene, Eric’s house, the job, and the final scene). Even though each of these builds logically from the next in terms of plot and character development, I didn’t feel the buildup of emotion that I think this story demands. I would especially point to the grocery store chapter that, while I found it terrifically entertaining, could do more in terms of Joseph’s character arc. I don’t leave that part of the story with a clear understanding of how it has changed Joseph’s life. Even the climactic “f-f-fuck you” at the end does not feel as necessary or as triumphant as it needs to. I think it might help to replace “The Thing” with more specific descriptions of Joseph’s desperate state, and more examples of its manifestation in his attitudes and behaviors.
I enjoyed this story immensely. Your loveable losers and strange situations often remind me of my own writing, and I really think I can learn a lot from the way you craft these elements into compelling, funny, meaningful narratives.
20 comments:
E.g.:
School Bus rocked! etc. . .
Broker also rocked! ect . . .
Recollections definitely rocked! ect . . .
Michael, I perceived the outer story as being about a dissatisfied kid, Joseph, with a speech disorder who is taking the bus to school every day because he doesn’t have a car. Eventually, he gets a job as a bag boy at a grocery store, but gets fired after telling the manager, “Fuck you.” However, he’s saved up enough money to buy the car. Guy gets car, then gets girl. I perceived the inner story as Joseph’s frustration over not being able to form close relationships, and his cynicism towards the world he inhabits. One of my favorite parts is when he remarks, “I wanted to ask him if he had, in the end, married out of fear or out of love…I wanted fear to win. I might stand a chance if fear won.” This is such a poignant moment, and says so much about Joseph as a character.
I really enjoyed the tone of this piece. It’s told in a very cold, crisp manner—and really conveys Joseph’s cynicism towards the petty aspects of high school, from relationships, to cliques, to drama. Things are told very matter-of-factly—“…he doubled over and vomited into the street…Amidst the stomach acid and partially digested food I remember seeing the macaroni and cheese we had had for lunch that day….” He’s a distant observer, very perceptive about the world around him—but this distance also implies something that Joseph may not be ready to outwardly admit, that he craves social acceptance, or at least closeness to a select few people. Even his friendship with his “best friend” Eric isn’t a very significant one (“Deep down we did not like each other very much…”). In many ways he sees himself as a superior (“the objective analysis gave me a momentary sense of superiority, an advantage I held over them both”), but at the same time he will readily admit that he had “never so much as held a girl’s hand.”
I was a bit confused over the speech disorder, because I wasn’t really sure what caused it, or what moments caused him to stutter. It would make sense if during two stressful moments (about to swear at manager and about to ask girl if she wants a ride home) the stutter occurred—which would seem to suggest a recurrent problem interacting with others; however, it’s the stutter occurring in the basement that throws me off—it seemed to me to be a rather low-anxiety inducing moment, just hanging out in a basement drinking beers.
I was a little disappointed by the ending in that it seemed like Joseph hadn’t overcome enough to warrant such a great turn of events. Yeah, it was a feel good ending, but I almost wanted him to get rejected—I just felt like not enough change had occurred over the course of the story. That being said, I really liked the interaction between the two; it was funny and real—with the insecurities of each party very evident. My favorite line was “You’re not planning on trying to rape me are you?”
I really enjoyed reading this, and I wish you the best of luck with your final draft.
-Nick
Joaquin, I saw the outer story as the narrator’s old best friend Taylor—who is an irresponsible, girl-chasing troublemaker—trying to arrange a play date with his kids and the narrator’s son; however, the narrator questions Taylor’s ability to take good care of his son, and lies, saying his son has baseball early the next day. This upsets Taylor, who hangs up the phone angrily. At the end, the narrator goes and gets take out late at night, buys a forty, and sits in a parking lot eating and drinking, seemingly reliving his past. I perceived the inner story as being about the narrator re-examining his relationship with Taylor, and the influences that Taylor has had on his development as a person. There seems to be a lot of guilt and indecisiveness in the narrator’s actions, both in the present and the past—namely: whether the narrator should be responsible, or should take risks and be irresponsible (i.e. be like Taylor). A lot of the story is flashbacks.
After reading this story, a quote from Ray Bradbury’s Something Wicked This Way Comes came to mind: “God, how we get our fingers in each other’s clay. That’s friendship, each playing the potter to see what shapes we can make of the other.” The relationship you portray between Taylor and the narrator is incredibly believable; I can definitely relate to befriending troublemakers—and “getting out when there was any real trouble to be had, and just siphoning off a little glory by association for myself.” You also do a great job recreating a lot of moments from elementary school and middle school; this is hard to do—many of us can easily forget. Little things like “Taylor turned the word ‘class’ into ‘ass’ in one of the songs…” or your description of the little league game especially stood out in my mind.
In terms of dialogue, I really liked how it portrayed the different characters’ personalities. When Taylor speaks, it is almost childish and immature (“OK Trish”), whereas when the narrator speaks, it portrays his self-doubt and conveys how self-conscious he is of himself in front of Taylor (“You know, same ol’ same ol’”).
I would have liked better descriptions of the world they’re living in; I thought the description of the little league game was great—I just would have liked to see more moments like that throughout the story.
Overall I thought you did a good job integrating flashbacks into the present scene; there were a couple of moments, though, where I thought the flashbacks interrupted the scene, or were even unnecessary for the advancement of the plot or character development.
Nice work and good luck with your final draft.
-Nick
James, I perceived the outer story as being about a man, Jeremy, who works for a brokerage firm. When a new intern arrives, he becomes immediately jealous and scornful towards him, namely because he has been hooking up with Annie, one of Jeremy’s co-workers, who Jeremy has a very flirtatious quasi-sexual relationship with. Jeremy becomes more and more incensed, which eventually leads to his ordering explosives, presumably for the purpose of blowing up the building. I perceived the inner story as investigating Jeremy’s sadistic tendencies in a kind of surreal world—everyone’s motives, actions and way of speaking are a bit off. Things that should strike people as strange (cutting ones fingers) are overlooked.
The tone was very methodical and upper crust—but also very impulsive. Sentences were short and choppy—and had some pretty strange occurrences which often took the reader off guard (“he wanted to staple her fingers together”)—but they were also devoid of much emotion, and told in a very “tell-it-like-it-is” manner. This definitely added to the sadistic aspect of the piece. Both the dialogue and the tone were very similar to Cruel Intentions, and I thought the relationship between Annie and Jeremy was similar to the relationship between Kathryn and Sebastian in that movie.
I liked your descriptions of the characters, especially the intern—how he “was sex, he projected sex and conquest and lust with every step, was perfumed with danger and aggression”; it’s very apparent that Jeremy feels extremely threatened by this character, and you did a nice job of portraying this sentiment through the description of the intern.
I thought the conflict was very tangible and apparent (the new intern frustrates Jeremy), and the unpredictability of what would happen next compelled me to keep reading. However, I will say that the whole “ordering explosives” thing might have gone a bit too far, just in terms of overall coherency (why would the receptionist grant his wish and order explosives and emergency supplies? Why doesn’t the intern react when he tries to light the cubicle on fire?).
I felt a little bit ambiguous about the ending—I wasn’t really sure what to make of his thinking about resignation, or Annie’s last line “throw it to the birds,” which seems as if it would be powerful in the right context, or if the reader were set up for it. I just wasn’t sure as to what the “it” referred to. I also definitely feel as though there were a number of metaphors or symbols throughout the piece, along with some very artful, poetic imagery—I particularly enjoyed the window breaking into a million pieces, “shuddering into a glassy spider web, but not separating.” That being said, I often didn’t know how to interpret images such as that one, along with a number of others (cutting the fingers, flicking matches into the flower pot). Were they all just supposed to convey an element of destruction? Then why doesn’t the glass shatter? I feel as though you can make things like this a little bit clearer without, of course, flat-out telling.
Overall I thought you did a great job; this was a really unique, creepy piece—I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
-Nick
(nick robertson = nick lehr...i'm using a friend's google account)
Michael,
I read the outer story of 'School Bus' as a simple one of a boy in high school's drive to get a car and 'be somebody'. I thought that the story really revolved around the inner story, which I read as the narrator's motivation for finding some meaning in a life that he perceives as just sort of listlessly drifting along. There is also the notion of 'the Thing', which I never really was clear on, and it seems that that thread of the story doesn't get closed.
Tone: The narrator has a really interesting tone in this story. He is very cynical and self-aware. He thinks of himself as smarter and better than the other high school students around him, but at times seem to realize that he himself is a bit of a loser. At times I felt that the narrator seemed to think that he was a little bit too smart and was a little to self aware. A moment on page three is an example: "Deep down we did not like one another very much...". This sounds like something an omniscient third person narrator would say. I think that these moments could be made more believable and more powerful if you introduced more in the story to question the narrator's reliability.
Character: Obviously, the character of the narrator is very strong. However, we don't really get many other characters in the story and none of them are particularly meaningful. They are used more as tools to allow the reader to get a better picture of the narrator's character. They work very well in that regard, but I would have liked to have gotten more out of the narrator's relationships. I think that getting to know Eric, or the narrator's parents better would ground the story more and both make the world you have created feel more real, as well as to give the reader a better picture of the narrator as our primary concern within this world.
Crisis: I felt that the crisis, while a well done scene, was a bit of a let down. I think that this was because the crisis was very much an 'outer story' kind of crisis, while the story really revolved around the inner story of the narrator's psyche. The fact that the end result of the crisis was no big deal because he already had enough money for the car weakened the moment as well. I think that if we had a better idea of what 'the thing' was and if it played a larger role in the story, the crisis would have been more meaningful. I think that the ending, in which he rides off with the girl, would have been much stronger had we had a better sense of the narrator's reliability. As the story is written, we are forced to believe that the narrator is very reliable, but something makes me think that he isn't. However, there isn't anything in there to make this any more than a guess, which in the end irritated me a little bit. I kind of wanted it to not be so perfect.
James,
I thought that this story was really great. The outer story is about a stock broker who is a bit of an asshole and the rivalry he has with a poor intern at his brokerage firm, as well as the strange relationship he has with a female coworker. The inner story is that this asshole broker is even stranger than his surface behavior suggests and in the end we are left to ponder where his instability is going to take him next.
Character and Tone: I have to run these two into one category since the third person voice is so close and basically is Jeremy's. I really loved the protagonist's character. He has some really great lines, which you write into the scenes really well. The first two pages, he irritated me, but then I realized that he was supposed to be a huge dick, and that he loved being a huge dick, and I started to love him for it. I particularly liked when Jeremy would say a line of dialoge, which was then followed up by an observation by the narrative voice, which was clearly Jeremy's. Some gems were: Jeremy explaining that this was 'the big leagues' when the intern asked for clarification, Jeremy wondering if a stapler dropped from the 14th floor could kill someone and the intern's "laconic slouch" suggesting sex. There is something about the close third person voice that makes all of these ridiculous judgements so much funnier than if Jeremy were talking to the reader directly. I gives the reader the impression that it is coming to them unfiltered, like Jeremy isn't willfully telling his story. It almost feels voyeuristic. I though that the character of the intern was very well done, especially since we only get a distorted image of him through Jeremy's eyes. I wasn't sure what to make of Annie, or her relationship with Jeremy. This is one area in which I feel the story could be strengthened. I liked the masochistic, destructive streak in Jeremy. Some would ask you to explain it more, but I would suggest against it. I think that any kind of explanation would take away from the voyeuristic aspect of the story, since very little is explained. The only gripe that I have is that I was confused by the whole fireworks, kerosene plot. I couldn't figure out if it was real, rhetorical, or one of Jeremy's jokes. Again, I think the last thing the story needs is a moment like "Jeremy thought blowing the building up would...", but I think through a line or two of dialogue could clear things up.
Finally, there are just some really beautiful moments in this piece. Annie lifting up her skirt to show Jeremy she wasn't wearing panties after she tells him to go to hell, Jeremy wondering about what the building blowingup would look like through the shatterproof windows, Annie throwing the hammer. Very well done.
Dear Joaquín,
The outer story of Recollections seems to be about a middle-aged man reflecting on how a childhood friendship has disintegrated with time and distance. The inner story seems to be about a man that is conflicted, and who feels guilty, because he takes pleasure in his superiority over a friend. I think you narrator knows that his feeling of superiority is hollow at its core, and that it’s compensation for Taylor’s charismatic advantage. I like that ultimately, though your narrator admits that his approach might be wrong, he also pursues it because it’s the easy way to go.
I like how you’ve tied together the present and past with common themes, like baseball and wives/mothers. It’s nice to see the contrast between how the narrator remembers his time with Taylor and how his life’s become. In many ways it seems like the narrator’s life in the present does not reflect any of the qualities his fondest memories contain—danger, excitement, and risk.
I also like the construction of the relationship. I think you do a great job showing why the friendship exists—the narrator likes living vicariously through Taylor, and Taylor likes the attention and pliable company of the narrator. I especially like how you reveal this through the interactions between Taylor’s sons and the narrator’s sons. It’s a nice twist to see how the narrator has grown up to be the sort of protective guardian that he resented so much in his mother.
The use of backstory set up the relationship really well, and puts the present action into context. However, I’d love to see some more present action. The story feels a little bit heavy on backstory right now. Also, I wondered about where Taylor is now—if he calls often, if he lives close, if the two friends ever spend time together. The one phone call seems to trigger a lot of reflection and memory—and anxiousness—and so I’m guessing Taylor doesn’t call often. Yet it seems that Taylor lives nearby. It would nice to know why this particular call, in this particular context, is causing the reaction in does. I think this understanding will also give more resonance to your story’s ending.
I also wanted to see some more of the narrator’s relationship with his wife and kids, in order to get a better sense of who he is. I think we get a fascinating sense of how he views himself, through his memories, and so developing an alternate view of the narrator by showing how he lives his everyday life would be a great way to show some differences between his self-image and reality.
I like the voice you use. It’s consistent and clear, and it shows a lot about personality—I like the way the narrator makes points, then backtracks a little, waffling. The narrator’s rich, “but nothing obscene,” his job’s not boring, it’s “pretty boring.” These kinds of structures do a nice job showing your narrator’s passivity.
A final recommendation would be to restructure the piece in a way that has a more defined arc. You dip back and forth between present and past (and to different points in the past), and even though your story’s coherent, a clearer sense of why certain memories are coming in the order they do, and what they’re building up to, and perhaps a more identifiable climax would help the reader. I like the structure now, but you may be able to hold even more reader attention and focus if you structure Recollections so that specific points are consistently built up.
I really enjoyed reading your story—fantastic ending especially,
James
Dear Michael,
In the future, please write more poorly. Your writing is great, and that’s doing bad things to my self-esteem and to my ability to deliver rictus smiles. I read you outer story to be about Keller getting a job and buying a car, and then using that car and some long-sought courage to give a ride to a gorgeous, frigid girl. I read your inner story to be about Keller conquering his insecurities about rejection in order to take a risk, and in doing so winning a measure of confidence.
Keller strikes me as someone who values safety, who doesn’t want to put himself on the line for fear that he will be denied. He doesn’t want to seem the fool, and so he uses his obvious intelligence as reassurance, and he uses aloofness to avoid interaction. At the same time, there’s a nice tension between his self-awareness and his desire to interact with people. I think that Keller has so isolated and so insulated himself that he’s come full circle and is able to admire the genuineness of the people he mocks. I read this story to be about him taking that understanding and acting on it, breaking through his walls of safety in order to take a risk and try to connect.
I like the way that you’ve constructed your sentences—they are complex and sometimes circuitous, but clear enough to follow, and they nicely convey Keller’s tone and attitude. There was great world choice and lots of vocabulary-expanding moments, but I never felt the writing was to heavy or complex for the story. Occasionally the writing did feel choppy, usually when you used very short sentences. Sometimes it was a nice effect, other times it worked less well. Also, there were some paragraphs that could have been broken into two, I think. (I marked where I thought this would work.)
I like the arc you’ve created—I like that you return to similar images again and again (e.g. the school bus, the black girls) while also revealing more and more about Keller’s world, revealing his friendship with (the wonderfully characterized) Eric, his new job, his relationship with his parents. I feel that by the end of the story there is a lot of character development, and that this development drives the piece forward.
I never quite got what the Thing was, and I wanted to see it better developed, especially because it’s what’s conquered (“placated”) at your story’s end. I read it to be some sort of a physical impediment that’s a product of anxiety, some sort of acid reflux or stuttering. But I never became well enough acquainted with the Thing for me to understand the full triumph that came with controlling it.
I wanted some more resolution at the ending. We don’t get to see Keller’s feelings after frigid girl accepts his invitation. Perhaps you could link the ending image of driving down the road with some sense of confidence, optimism, or (even temporary) freedom from insecurity.
Also, I wanted to see some more of Eric. Though well developed, I felt he was a stand in for the piece. Having him re-emerge at some point would be helpful, both for making their relationship seem more plausible, and for showing Keller’s continued development in another context.
Overall, I very much enjoyed your draft,
James
Michael:
The outer story is a sixteen-year-old kid who has a stuttering problem and must take the school bus, because he does not have a car. He eventually gets a job, a car, and the confidence to ask the pretty girl to go for a ride. The inner story is about Keller’s struggle with “the Thing” which leads to his stuttering and how he interprets love as a sixteen-year-old as well as an adult reflecting. The inner story is a little ambiguous for me, though. Maybe because I didn’t expect the ending at all. I thought Keller was cynical and a loner, not just as a sixteen-year-old but as an adult narrating as well. While I recognize this can be a product of repressing true romantic sentiment, I did not expect Keller to come to terms with this by the end of the story. The end makes me feel like all Keller ever wanted was to partake in this fickle world of high school relationships. When I began the story, I felt like Keller wanted out of this world entirely.
The tension between the narrator Keller and the young Keller is really fascinating. I love how we must come to terms with the fact that what he tells us is not necessarily true (“I can’t imagine how I could have discerned that given our distance and acceleration.”) This adds such complexity to the relationship, and it justifies your point of view. I was also really drawn to Eric’s character. His dialogue is a very specific voice. He’s a douche, sure, but it’s evident he thinks a lot about what he says. “What a total homosexual” instead of “what a fag,” etc. I think this scene breaks up the narrative well, because we escape from Keller’s head a little bit. I would try to incorporate more of this into your piece. Not only is it refreshing, but I get to see Keller from a different perspective (“Yeah.”)
While I enjoy the structure of this story, sometimes the narrative becomes a bit too “tell-y” for my taste. As, perhaps, a necessary consequence of a character reflecting on a younger self, he tells us too much about how he was feeling, what he wanted, how he judged others. It’s too easy for the reader. When Keller says he was keeping a running tally of whether people married out of fear or love, let the reader decide which side Keller was on. We know he’s cynical, we know he suppresses romance, we can come to the conclusion on our own. Some of this might be cut as a result of producing more scenes, if you choose to do so. Secondly, when Keller first stutters, I do not realize how central to the story this will be. I actually found the stuttering kind of unnatural. By the time that he tells his boss to fuck off, I finally understand the weight of the Thing. I think I was originally misdirected for two reasons. The first being, I assume his symptoms to originally be nausea or faint. I then see the stuttering merely as a product of that. Additionally, I would assume Eric is familiar with Keller’s verbal tic, yet the narrator writes, “Eric blinked, surprised by this breach of routine and my verbal slip.” Rather, couldn’t Eric try to ease the tension by making a crack about the stuttering? This would convey to the reader how regular an occurrence the stuttering is. I hope that made sense.
It’s great how you really took this exercise somewhere else when you developed it.
Joaquin:
The outer story is about Taylor coming back into the narrator’s life, and wanting their kids to play together, but the narrator is afraid for his kid’s safety. The inner story is about their entire relationship and how the narrator now feels superior and how it forces him to let go of the friendship. The narrator seems to want to feel secure in his new professional life, but cannot let go of the insecurities of his past. There is something reassuring in nostalgia, even when it’s about getting into fights and looking at porn.
You’ve got this very conversational tone in the piece, which makes it feel quite intimate. I never feel like the narrator is self-conscious, or censoring himself. He’s incredibly trust-worthy. You also have this great sense of history for the characters. I feel like I could ask you what their favorite flavor of ice cream is or what they keep under their beds and you would know. These characters seem to extend beyond just the world of this short story.
I have to admit, I had a lot of trouble with this story. I was confused from the very beginning, because I felt like this phone call was very unexpected, that the narrator had not heard from Taylor in a very long time, yet as the story progresses, he reveals that he knows all of this current information about Taylor and the kids are already playing together, etc. I also don’t really see the necessity for all of the back-story. If the objective of the back-story is to give depth to the tension over the children playing, then I would choose specific scenes to include that are relevant. Right now, this feels more like an outline for a novel. The narrative wanders from kindergarten to third grade to seventh grade, to college, etc. I frequently find myself asking what the point of the specific flashback is.
On the second page, the narrator struggles to alter his tone between how he talked then and how he speaks now “half-professional, half insecure kid.” I find this pretty inconsistent with the narration, however. The tone is so conversational and colloquial. I never feel like a thirty-eight year-old professional is telling me this story (ie: “my mom’s name” on p7.) In a similar vein on tone, the last paragraph on p8 screams to me “here’s the moral!” I think you can successfully incorporate these ideas into the narrative without having to break the story to tell us.
I think what would help this story the most is to reduce the scope drastically. I would pick a very specific flashback between the narrator and Taylor and just develop from that point. I currently read this piece and I feel like I have nothing to hold on to. The language gets very general (ie: “Since then, you could say he’s pretty much drifted.”) I respond best to specific lines like “Ever since he found God and started working demolition.” I think the work you’ve done for this draft will be immensely helpful. You know all of these details and you know the history of the characters. I’m just not sure you need to include all of it.
I’d be interested to see how you approach revising this.
James:
The outer story is about a broker whose coworker begins to have sexual relations with the intern. The inner story is that Jeremy is in love and drives himself to incredibly self-destructive behavior. I feel like Jeremy wants to have Annie to himself so that he can cut their knuckles together, etc. The love is not clearly defined, and I’m into that. His desires seem to be as impulsive as reaching out and cutting some of her hair off. He seems to act and then understand his own desires (“it wasn’t until he looked up the receptionist’s skirt during a scheduling meeting that he realized his love would be destructive.”)
Wow. The world of this story is incredibly unique. It’s creepy and cold, but sentimental and heartfelt. I love how the action grew on me. In the beginning, I would get caught up in everything. As I continued, I learned how to go with it. By the time he’s lighting the edge of his desk, it’s completely natural. You pull this off, because you keep the tone consistent. It moves at this relentless pace and the reader is expected to catch up. I’m really happy you didn’t try to justify the world. I love the language of the business world. It works so well in this piece, from oil futures to sensitivity analysis. I have real faith in your authority as narrator.
Sometimes, I feel like less is more. Once you establish the tone of this world, I think you can cut back on some of the language that just gets to be redundant. For example, all of the dears and darlings in the dialogue. At first, they’re very successful in establishing the creepy factor. I understand that this world is dangerous: it’s violent and sexual, but it’s professional and has the façade of class. Once that is established, I think these words become less necessary. At the end, I almost feel like I wish I had more sympathy for Jeremy. I think this story is supposed to be ultimately sad. This is about unrequited love. Jeremy remains cold for so long into the piece, that it’s difficult to change gears. I by no means am suggesting that you change the tone of the piece, but perhaps slip in more overt sentimentality disguised in the language you are already using.
Kudos to trying something really different.
Dear Michael,
The outer story of “School Bus” is Joseph Keller’s frustration at not having a car, working at a grocery store to get a car, and then getting the car (and the girl!) at the end of the story. The inner story is about Joseph taking risks in relationships, in the human interactions he is an observer of, but not a participant. He is bitter, judging others harshly as a self-defense mechanism, and achingly lonely; his one friend a mere partner in a “mutual defense pact.” There is the suggestion that his stuttering, this Thing that personifies his social awkwardness, is part of the reason for his observer status in life.
I really liked Joseph—a lot. He’s a great narrator. His intelligence comes through in his sharp observation and precise diction, which is completely believable because it’s so consistent throughout the story. The first-person point of view is a perfect choice. His inner voice, cold and ostensibly unruffled at displays of puke and just everyday unkindness, provides a great contrast to his stumbling outer voice, stuttering when anything threatens to move him out of his comfort zone. I can see how his intense self-awareness and also his awareness of other people’s failings feed his self-consciousness and loneliness. Despite feeling like I know (and really enjoy) this character, his motivations are just out of focus for me. There is a line that when I first read I thought it out-of-place: “In those days, I assumed it was a binary choice.” This is the real story, I think, this negotiation between fear and love. It is Joseph’s fear of loneliness that makes him take steps toward love, so it’s not binary. It’s complicated—this need for other people who care about you isn’t pure in the sense that love is usually portrayed, which is awesome because it’s so true and real.
But then my question is: What happened in the story that finally moved Joseph? When he finally decides to get a job, I don’t understand why it was that day. It’s obvious that he’s sick of his life, but what makes that day unbearable? Yes, he fails at making eye contact with “the acne guy” but what about that day made him decide to say, “I’m tired of waiting at the bus stop with these people.” Was it his growing interest in Jennifer? Is he afraid of his own desires to reach out? If the Sam-Jennifer break up couldn’t move him to begin his life in earnest, why that day a few weeks later? The reason it’s important to me is because something about the ending felt unsatisfactory to me. I wanted to be outrageously happy for Joseph, but something was lacking. I didn’t really get to see Joseph struggle with himself to move. The people around him, every other character, was portrayed as gross or hideous in some way, except for Jennifer, although even she seems vacant at times. I don’t want to feel like he triumphed over the acne guy or the black girls. I want to feel like he sees them in a better light, that he understands their need for companionship and doesn’t look down on them for it. This could be as simple as coming back to these people one last time before his interaction with Jennifer. What’s changed now after his words with Doyle, after he realizes he can speak and stand up for himself? Does he still see the rest of the world in the same dreary, judgmental way? You show the change to some extent already with the change in weather, “The sun is bright” as opposed to “the whole sky was a uniform gray,” but I think I want more from that last scene. Bring the group back one last time. Other than this desire to feel outrageously happy for this character you portrayed so well, there is not a single thing I want to see different. You have a great sense of detail and your dialogue is realistic and telling. And what I liked most, you have an awesome sense of voice (and vocabulary).
I really enjoyed your story, Michael. Thanks for sharing.
Dear Joaquín,
I read the outer story of “Recollections” as two tense phone calls between the narrator and Smith Taylor about whether of not the narrator’s son can stay over at Taylor’s house. This request brings up many recollections for the narrator and it is these memories that make up the inner story: how does a person negotiate the relationship between past and present loyalties? The narrator owes Taylor for making the narrator cool by association in the past. Yet presently, the narrator has responsibilities to his son and Taylor (and the two little Taylor’s) does not seem like the best possible influences.
There are many layers of conflict and complication in the story and this is what I admire most. There’s this present conflict of how to deal with Smith Taylor. There’s this past conflict of how the narrator’s mom saw Taylor’s parents (there is a suggestion that the father abused the mother, but it is made to the reader not a character) and Taylor himself and how this impacted the narrator’s friendship. There’s this intrapersonal conflict within the narrator about who he is now, a sell-out or a real friend, which comes from the past but continues into the present. There are class tensions and guilt on the narrator’s part. There is also an interesting dynamic with who the narrator is as a parent and in a way, it seems like Taylor is right: He has become his mother, overly cautious and judgmental. The narrator has characteristics that are stereotypically wifely—he is washing dishes when the story opens and the story takes the time to put in the detail that he cooked dinner—and this is suggestive. There is nostalgia for the past, specifically the perfection of baseball with simple, clear rules, and a feeling that in many ways, the narrator is still an insecure kid, playing a role he’s not comfortable with. There is something also in that last great image of the overstuffed Styrofoam container, as if there is too much of the past in the present, that there is something inescapable and sad.
All of these layers work well together and I can see all of them in the story, but I think they need to be developed more. For instance, I wanted to see his interaction with Taylor in music class in full, detailed scene. Did they get the same substitute teacher twice? If Mrs. Krispidiani is subbing for an extended people then doesn’t that undermine the basis of the “easy pickings” thing? Right now, you give me the most important moment, his whiny question and it is exactly this past that still haunts him. The same for the night routine scene—I get the necessary dialogue and alone the words carry the weight they need to, but I want the gestures and description, too. What does Taylor’s face look like at this moment? How does the narrator feel? If the past recollections are in focus, then it does not matter if the present conflict is just words exchanged over the phone line. Other questions I had: why the scene with Diego at the game? What does the narrator see when he sees Diego play? Does he see himself playing with Taylor? There is a very interesting line: “Also in how it makes him stronger” (4). What did Taylor offer the narrator in terms of friendship? Not just glory to be siphoned off, but courage, too. Where is the scene that shows this positive dynamic between the narrator and Taylor?
There are logistical concerns and other small things marked on the manuscript itself, but in general I found your work very rich and layered. I think it’s just a matter of bringing the backstory out into full scene and really giving the reader the Taylor-narrator interaction in the past. Thanks for sharing your story. I enjoyed reading it.
Dear James,
The outer story of “Broker” is about Jeremy and his destructive love (6) for Annie, who expresses her affection in a similarly sadomasochist way. Their mutual pawn in this violent, transformative game of love is “the intern.” As Jeremy and Annie’s relationship becomes more intense, so does Jeremy’s destructive streak and the story is driven by the desire to know how far Jeremy will go. It is a story of escalation and power. Jeremy and Annie are very good at what they do and it is their story—everyone else is unnamed, described only by function: “the intern,” “the boss,” “crunch girl.” I think the inner story complicates this picture of two powerful people playing with each other by focusing of Jeremy’s feelings of being trapped and, in a sense, powerless in this office with unbreakable glass. But if this is the inner story (which I’m unsure about, perhaps the outer story is the inner story in this case), then I cannot read a narrative arc in the same way that I can for the outer love story.
What I liked most about this story is its unblinking presentation of events. Extraordinary things are told without comment, without explanation. My favorite example of this was on pg. 6: “While he buttoned his shirt he told her that he wanted to staple her fingers together.” Here is something incredibly disturbing that is one, juxtaposed with the mundane task of buttoning clothing, and two, not even given direct dialogue. It is told indirectly, almost in passing, and her reaction (“a rain check,” as if it were a movie date) adds to this illusion of normality. The third-person point of view works well here because it provides the necessary distance and adds to the surrealist quality of the work.
At the same time, I think a lot of the inner story would be clarified for me if the third-person narrative was a little clearer, since this point of view is crucial to the style of the story (and I think that how you tell the story is related to why you tell it). For instance, in the second paragraph, there is a single word—“Dammit”—that tells me that we are in close, third-person. “Dammit” is free indirect discourse, so I assume in the beginning that we are very much inside Jeremy’s head. But as the story continues, I am less sure about how close we are to Jeremy. For instance, things like, “This was intoxicating, Jeremy realized” seems further away in psychic distance. So when important sentences like “Had the intern stayed quiet, the end might not have come so soon” (4) come up, I want to attribute them to Jeremy, but there is the possibility that they are coming from a more removed, omniscient narrator. I feel like if “Broker” stayed closer in Jeremy’s head, then I could understand his motivations better and not just his self-destructive streak. Also, the question of believability came up for me. Is it possible that a broker can flick matches into a potted plant without getting the attention of the clients at the meeting? Why does the intern sit idly in the chair when Jeremy tries to burn the edge of his desk? These are things that would normally garner attention, but if I know for a fact that everything I read is how Jeremy perceives it, then I don’t have a problem; rather, I have an interesting tool of characterization and the possibility of an unreliable narrator. At the same time, if the story-world is ours but slightly askew, then I would like to know that in a more definitive way.
I really found your story to be a fascinating portrait—well-fitted with details (“dark purple lipstick” and “black seams down their back”) and entertaining dialogue (I love it, the continued references to glass and birds and the repetition of certain phrases)—of a tense and rich relationship dynamic. I just wanted to know more. When Jeremy thinks about resignation at the end, it comes as maybe too much of a surprise for me. I thought he was bored and constantly pushing the limits of his job, but not necessarily unhappy. I didn’t know how to read his self-destructive tendencies in lieu of his equally destructive relationship with Annie. Your writing is smart and beautiful (your descriptions are elegant and economical), but I feel like I’m reading the story too shallowly right now. I am missing something, and it’s definitely in the story but maybe not as visibly as it could be. I look forward to talking about “Broker” in class and figuring what I am not getting.
Thank you for sharing your story, James. I hope my comments are helpful.
These comments are from Matty:
Hi Joaquin,
I saw the outer part of your story as the narrator’s recollection (title!) of his relationship with his childhood best friend, and how his feelings toward Taylor have changed over the years. He finds himself avoiding Taylor and Taylor’s kids much in the same way that his mother had kept them apart when they were children. Eventually, the guilt seems to build up on him, and he goes on a drive, reminiscing about the both the negative and positive effect Taylor has had on him over the years, seemingly accepting the relationship as a good thing. I think that kind of got into the inner story- the narrator’s coming to terms with the impact Taylor’s had on his life, seeing it as, if anything, incredibly significant. Taylor’s been a major factor on who the narrator has become, and at the end he accepts that and appreciates it.
I loved the character of Taylor in the story- I think you introduced him well in the fourth paragraph on the first page, and you give a good indication as to why the narrator went along with him. Taylor worked well as a sort of lovable scamp, because while I saw the potential negative influences he may have, I still wanted the narrator to acknowledge him as a friend, even let his kids go play with Taylor’s. With that, though, I think the narrator could have been fleshed out a whole lot more- there just didn’t seem like a whole lot to him throughout the story, and he sort of came off as a bit of a jerk. I’d much rather know Taylor and let my kids play with Taylor’s kids than with the overly stubborn and narrow-minded narrator. It was just a bit too much- I wanted some reason for the narrator to be at least appealing if not likeable.
I also liked the ideas of the story a lot- of the narrator coming to terms with the relationship. The friendship between the two was very realistic and believable, and I feel I’ve known both types of characters. The nostalgic stories came off very well, showing a sort of fondness along with regret/shame about being friends with Taylor, and it was interesting all throughout. My one issue with the flashbacks is that they seemed to come at inexplicable and forced times- the events of the “present” didn’t seem like enough to draw up an entire recap of the narrator’s childhood. For instance, when he lies to Taylor about the game, he recollects one instance in fifth grade where his mom lied. However, it seemed like too much of an isolated, single specific incident out of decades of friendship to just draw up automatically. I was a little confused about their relationship- had Taylor and the narrator not talked in a while? Because if they had, it would seem like the narrator would be having hundreds of these specific flashbacks all the time, and it was a little overwhelming to me in the story.
All in all, I think the strength of your story is in Taylor- he’s very appealing and interesting. I think that all that needs to be done is a little bit of enhancing the narrator, and maybe adding a little more specificity to the “present” events so that the flashbacks seem more fluid and natural. The core relationship, I thought, was fantastic. Good job!
Hi Michael,
I saw your outer story as being about Joseph who, after being forced to take the bus home from high school every day, eventually gets tired of it and gets a job so he can buy his own car. However, at work his cynical and antisocial behavior gets him fired, but luckily he’s earned enough money to afford a car and the story ends with him driving his fellow-bus-riding crush home from school. The inner story is about Joseph’s cynical attitude towards the world around him and his perpetual inability to really fit in with the larger social world.
I thought the voice of Joseph was very good- very cynical, but in such an open and honest way that it led to some really good, really detailed descriptions of the world around him (the riders on the bus, for instance, or the condom purchase). The story’s as much about hearing this alternate view on the world as it is about the events take place, and the consistently interesting Joseph worked really well for me. I also really liked that you never tried to make Joseph into a whole lot more than he was- that is, you don’t ever try to pass him off as a good guy after all the cynicism. He was likeable as a character in a story but not necessarily as a person I’d like to meet, and I thought that was good.
I had a little confusion regarding the characters around Joseph, however. While I know that they are filtered through his skewed perspective of the world, I couldn’t really understand some of their interactions. Mr. Doyle stood out- he made a quick, somewhat jarring switch from a very “have a good attitude!” boss to a total jerk, and it didn’t really make sense to me. I think it would be one thing if his policies were more of a front than anything else, but the way he just suddenly started making fun of Joseph at the store liked that didn’t really fit. I was also a little put off by Jenny, in that I don’t really think we got enough about her- who is she? What sorts of activities does she do? We get Eric’s ideas about her, but I’d like to know her place in the greater social circles, and if somehow Joseph’s success with her could be indicative of a success at least partly at fitting in with the outside world. Last, I wish Joseph might have gone through more of a change at the end- it seems the only differences are that he has a car now, and that he somehow overcame his stuttering to talk to Jenny. The latter seemed a bit too easy- it seems to contradict his earlier difficulties in the story.
I really enjoyed reading the story, and I think the protagonist has awesome potential (which is employed throughout). It was a really quick, easy read, but one that also efficiently offered up an entire view of a world that I felt was the same as the real world but altered through Joseph’s view. Great work!
Hey James,
I saw the outer story as Jeremy’s dealings with the new intern that comes into his office and enters into a romantic relationship with Annie, with whom Jeremy already has a sexual history (or at least an ongoing romantic tension up until that point). Jeremy’s frustrations with the intern mount and he goes as far as to order explosives, hinting at a violent conclusion to his frustrations. The inner story dealt with Jeremy’s psyche, what seemed like a skewed, perhaps even psychotic interpretation of the world around him, and how he deals with personal relationships.
I think that there is a great level of detail in the story, and that it’s done in a very interesting way. Through devices such as focusing on little character actions (i.e. “balancing a hardwood match,” the intern across the streets excercises, etc.) it is a world that seems entirely familiar (the office environment) so I can imagine it, yet it’s breathed a new life through Jeremy’s own unique interpretation. The tone of the story is great as well- there’s a very creepy, foreboding vibe to the whole thing that added a layer of tension and kept me wondering what was going to happen next. I couldn’t have guessed where the story was going to go, just that it was going somewhere, and that unpredictability heightened its effectiveness.
I did, however, find the actions and motivations of characters to be a bit too confusing. Many times I found myself just accepting what was going on without hope of really knowing what was in fact happening, and so I think I missed a lot of what the story was supposed to communicate. Things like Jeremy cutting Annie’s hair with a penknife, his suicidal musings, and the finger cuts were dramatically effective but I couldn’t figure out what they meant. There was a great deal of ambiguity and abstraction in the story, but it seemed somewhat attached to a realistic world, so I was confused about what to think of as real and what to think of as just Jeremy’s interpretation. The POV was a little confusing to that end- it was sort of a close-third person on Jeremy, as it seemed to follow his perspective, but it seemed like Annie had similar views, so I couldn’t tell if it was a normal world through a somewhat insane perspective or just a different world altogether, where people like Annie and Jeremy and the intern all share these weird tendencies.
The story was very unpredictable, and that made it all the more enjoyable. I think that it could be helped, though, by a little more explanation of what’s going on, because afterward I was not thinking anything specific except for wondering what I should have been thinking. It was a very unique piece, quite unlike anything we’ve read in class so far. I’d be really interested in seeing how the story develops.
James’s Broker
The outer story of Broker is about Jeremy Black, and his torrid relationship with Annie, which is threatened by the arrival of a rival in the form of the intern. I think the inner story is about how Jeremy, who on the surface is a cool as a cucumber character, deals with a genuine threat to his heart. I think Jeremy ultimately wants more than casual sex and flirtation, but he’s not quite sure how to get it. Annie remains something of an enigma, but she seems content to engage in casual encounters with multiple partners. The intern just wants to learn the ropes and hook up on the side.
I think the prose is this piece was great, and you stayed true to Jeremy’s voice and his sarcastic, cynical observations. You had a good amount of humor and a touch of absurdity, but you never veered too far into the wacky. You crafted a wonderfully vivid picture of this cutthroat brokerage firm. Moreover, Jeremy is a really well-drawn character—we immediately grasp him on the first page through his actions, which include flicking matches at a potted fichus and smoking during a meeting.
I also liked the central conflict between Jeremy and the intern, which was sort of understated but carried the constant underlying threat of real physical violence, which is brought up even in the first sentence of the story. Although I didn’t necessarily want things to explode into some kind of unrestrained chaos in the third act, I was kind of expecting it, especially after the line “Had the intern stayed quiet, the end might not have come so soon,” which, to me, was a bit of foreshadowing that suggested there was some kind of “end” for the intern that would eventually be meted out by Jeremy. Ultimately, I don’t think it’s necessary for Jeremy to kill or maim the intern, but I think Jeremy does come off as actually a bit passive-aggressive by the end of the story. I think he should take some kind of decisive or important action by the story’s end—granted he was apparently planning on burning the intern to death, but even in that he is eventually frustrated.
I really liked the interplay between Jeremy and Annie, especially their aggressive flirtation and their hot-and-cold bouts. However, I had a hard time reconciling Jeremy’s feelings for Annie with the rest of his character. I think the story would be stronger if you showed us that Jeremy is in love with Annie rather than resorting to telling us (or, if he just thinks he’s in love, show that). This would serve two purposes. First, in general I think emotions come off as more genuine if you prove to the reader, so to speak, that a character is feeling a certain way rather than asserting it. Secondly, because Jeremy is presented as such a slick cynical character, we’re naturally less inclined to think of him as a guy who would fall in love, so when we’re told that he is straight up, it’s somewhat jarring. Additionally, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of the dynamic between the intern and Jeremy because there were still a few questions I had about Jeremy’s character. I see Jeremy as a pretty young guy, good-looking, and something of a stud, because he’s carrying on a steamy extra-marital affair with a co-worker (he’s married to someone else, right?) Thus, I was a bit surprised that Jeremy saw the intern as “sex, he projected sex and conquest and lust with every step…” I got the feeling that Jeremy think of himself in this way. To some extent, I found myself occasionally wondering if Jeremy radically overestimates himself, if he’s not nearly as cool as he thinks he is. I think this would be an interesting direction to go—what if Jeremy is middle aged, balding, rapidly losing his prowess? However, this is probably not what you were going for, so it might be helpful to give a wee bit more backstory/context for Jeremy—how old is he, is he good looking, and so forth. In other words, how much of Jeremy’s self-worth is justified, and how much of it is fantasy?
Great story and I look forward to seeing how it develops,
Michael Booe
Recollections
I think the outer story in this piece is mainly concerned with the relationship between the narrator and Taylor, and how tension arises over the narrator’s unwillingness to let his son, Diego, spend time with Taylor’s sons. The inner story focuses on Taylor’s reminiscences about his youth, particularly the time he spent with Taylor. In the end, the narrator seems to want to recapture or relive his youth in some way; although he has since moved and become much more successful, in a financial and social sense, than Taylor, he is almost inexorably drawn back to his childhood.
I really like how you developed the relationship between Taylor and the narrator in this story. It felt very real and genuine, and I really liked the shift in power dynamics between these two as kids and as adults. However, although you did a good job elucidating their adolescence together, I felt about hazier with respect to where they stood in the present. On the first page, we’re told the narrator hasn’t heard from Taylor in a while, and he seems pretty disconcerted to be getting a call from Taylor, but I didn’t really feel that in their subsequent conversation, which seemed pretty mundane. The narrator seems to know a lot about Taylor’s doings, and they’re apparently close enough that Taylor can inquire about taking Diego to hit baseballs with his own kids. Thus, I was left a bit uncertain as to exactly how much interaction is going on between these two—are they still relatively close despite the very different directions their lives have taken, or is this phone-call really out of the blue? How long has it been since they last talked? I was also a bit unclear in regards to the reason the narrator lies to Taylor (indeed, we’re told they lie to one another a lot). Why doesn’t the narrator want Diego to hang out with Taylor’s kids? It seems that despite Taylor’s own youthful proclivities for debauchery and wildness, the narrator got a lot out of their relationship—he says “everything exciting and meaningful that happened during my first eighteen years was because of him.”
You had some really great language in this piece. I thought your prose was especially good when you described the Little League game between the As and the Rockies. Not only did you paint a very vivid picture, but you did a good job of describing the scene through the narrator’s eyes, which helped develop the character as well. I also liked the final scene of the story, which I think provided an interesting, thematically appropriate conclusion to the story. Although there’s not a great deal of action in this piece, you painted an interesting picture of the narrator, and I was interested to learn more about the relationship between this person and Taylor. However, although I wasn’t necessarily hoping for some kind of major event or revelation in the present, I was hoping that over the course of the story we’d learn something surprising about the past. Again, there doesn’t need to be something world-shattering, but maybe there was a particular event that caused a falling out or rift between them. Or, to answer the question “why this story today?” perhaps this lie that the narrator tells Taylor really changes something between them, perhaps in a very subtle way. Not every story needs to end with “and nothing would ever be the same again,” but I think there should be a sense that something has changed by the end of this story. What has the narrator realized about himself when he has that meal in the elementary school parking lot? I think the story comes close to answering this question, but it’s not quite there.
Great story,
Michael Booe
Dear Michael,
To me, the external story is about a junior in high school who hates taking the bus, and therefore works in a grocery store until he earns enough money to buy a car. Along the way, he discusses people and events in his life. The internal story is about this guy who struggles with a speech impediment, his inability to interact with women, and fitting in with the world around him.
This was a really cool story, with funny and astute social observations. Doing the story from the first person is so effective; the awkwardness feels real and intimate. I love how the narrator notices all the social interactions around him, from the telling spaces between the acne-covered guy and pudgy girl to the uncomfortable black girl standing alone for the first time. One of my favorite moments is when the narrator makes brief eye contact with the acne guy, looks away, and spends the rest of the time trying to catch his glance again for redemption. I have personally done that so many times, and the way you articulated it was perfect – it made me cringe a little bit in its awkward familiarity.
Another great thing about this story is the tension created between the narrator’s wanting to separate himself from others and be alone, versus his desire to engage and interact with other people – especially girls. It’s so interesting how he has comments like “If I could do that, my thinking went, it meant I could acclimate myself to being alone. Someday, I hoped, I would not even want to look at all,” and that he worked at the grocery store because he thought he could be alone. And yet, he also dreams about making love to Jennifer and eventually is brave enough to give her a ride home.
Something that confused me was the scene at the grocery store. I liked a lot of the descriptions, about how the narrator was ironically forced to be friendly to the customers because of competition with Wal-Mart. But I wasn’t sure what the deal was with the creepy guy buying condoms, and why Doyle got mad at the narrator for what he said. Also, I wondered if the stutter had come out beforehand or that was a new thing to show at work (considering he was hired for being so articulate). Is Doyle just picking on him to pick on him? Why does the narrator care so much? I thought this vignette could use a little clarification.
Another thing I wanted to understand was the narrator’s relationship with Eric. Why would he spend “almost every night for the past three years” in that basement if he didn’t even like the guy? I love the observation that, “Deep down we did not like one another very much, but both of us were wise enough to know we could not do any better.” But I don’t know why they’d even be attracted to friends with each other at all. And why they’d spend so much time together, knowing it wasn’t right. Has the narrator tried to be friends with anyone else? Wouldn’t he maybe rather spend more time alone? Also, what does he do when he’s alone?
Overall, I really enjoyed this story, and thought it did a great job of taking me inside this guy’s head.
-Annie Jonas
Dear Joaquin,
To me, the external story is about a grown man who hears from an old friend, which brings back memories, and he avoids letting their kids spend time together. The internal story is about a man who is having trouble reconciling his childhood with who he has become. The status has shifted between him and his friend, and it leaves him with conflicting emotions.
I really like how this story examines the role of childhood friends in later life. The tension between how the narrator used to act and how he acts now, how he used to follow Taylor’s lead and now he tries to give Taylor advice, how they met because Taylor pushed him in the mud but now Taylor has the big house and trips to Europe. The power has shifted in the relationship, and it is interesting how the narrator thought he would want that, but now doesn’t like it. I like how the narrator understands how Taylor influenced him to a certain extent, of how being bossed around “makes him stronger.”
Another great thing about this story is how certain parts are extremely detailed. Whether describing the baseball game or the Styrofoam container of food at the end, the descriptions are vivid and complete. You describe all the different senses: smell (“the heat makes the whole field smell like cut grass”), sound (“batter clinks the bat”), touch (“the little kids wear hats under their helmets because they are too big for them”), sight and taste (“kids eat orange slices and drink Capri Suns”).
Something I was confused about was the description of Taylor on the first and second pages. The narrator mentions the detail, “Ever since he found God and started working demolition,” and this leads me to make a set of judgments about Taylor that are often contradicted or ignored later in the story. The narrator never really mentions Taylor’s religiosity again, and in fact shows him to be a pretty immoral. I have trouble picturing what Taylor is like in the present. Also, I wonder why he cares so much about their kids playing together, and why he is suddenly so persistent about it.
Another thing I think could be developed in this story is the use of flashback. There are some very specific memories from a very long time ago, and it is surprising that a 38 year old would still remember a name like “Mrs. Krispidiani..” I find myself wondering why a grown man still focuses on stories like these. Sometimes it feels like the stories told through the voice of the narrator are told through his elementary school self, instead of being filtered through the grown man he is now. Are the stories he mentions really the most important ones to show what their relationship was like?
Overall, the story is really interesting, and I respect the angle that you’ve taken.
-Annie Jonas
Dear James,
To me, the outer story is about Jeremy, a high-paid, high-level, high-stress broker who gets upset when his girlfriend/wife sleeps with an intern at the office. The internal story is about a very destructive and reckless man, who is accustomed to getting his way, and can’t handle it when he doesn’t.
Wow, James, what a story. I love how fresh and creative and crisp it is. This story does a great job of painting vivid and intriguing characters, none of whom I really like, but all of whom I like watching develop. The details chosen to describe Jeremy, and how he views the world, are so telling. The fact that he cuts himself during meetings, smokes to piss off the bosses, watches the female intern across the way even in front of Annie, thinks such violent thoughts, and gets so jealous of the male intern are such interesting dynamics in his character. He is a disgusting person, and yet I can’t wait to see what he’ll do next.
Another great aspect of the story is how much is expressed through “showing, and not telling.” Sorry to use the cheesy phrase, but I think it’s true. Instead of saying that James gets anxious when Annie’s presentation goes well, he “made two cuts in the tip of his index finger and excused himself because he was bleeding.” Sometimes the story comes through action, and sometimes through dialogue, but rarely through narration. The story ends up feeling fast-paced and forward-moving.
Although I love how much this story is in the present, I must admit I found myself wanting even just a little taste of back-story. I like that we get hints about the past through present actions, but I feel that they sometimes are fuzzy and confusing. For example, I don’t know if Annie is Jeremy’s wife, or another lover outside of marriage. And if he’s married to someone else, what is the deal there? And why is Annie with Jeremy at all, if he’s such a creep? It’s hard for me to believe that she finds anything about him attractive. There are just some things I think would be more understandable if they had a little more context and background.
In terms of Jeremy’s violence, I’m having conflicting feelings over whether it is believable or not. I do believe he has very violent thoughts, and can believe that he is self-mutilating. But when he acts violently towards other people – such as cutting Annie’s hair or telling her he wants to staple her fingers together, or threatening the intern with fire and his penknife – it’s harder for me to believe he fits in this business environment.
Overall, this is a fascinating story, and I look forward to discussing it in class. Like any good fiction, I think there is still more I will discover about it once we start talking about it. Great work!
- Annie Jonas
Dear Michael,
I thought that the outer story of this piece was that narrator’s effort at getting a car. He is forced to take the bus, then finally decides to get a job at a local market so that he can save the money for a car. The inner story of this piece is a look at the narrator’s changing self-confidence. From a sarcastic and quiet outsider to a much more assertive player in his own life, the narrator undergoes a clear transformative arc in this story.
I think the strongest thing about this story is the narrator’s characterization. I though that the best moments of this story were Keller’s neurotic, fascinating thoughts. I love how he analyzes the awkward couple, and his “objective analysis gave [him] a momentary sense of superiority” (1). Not only does this line clearly express the often disdainful yet realistic tone of Keller, but it also provides an interesting reflection on himself. He knows he felt superior-- it is unclear whether he knew them or now as reflects on the past-- but this double layer of personality disclosure is great. Likewise, I love hoe Keller says about his friend Eric that “Deep down we did not like one another very much” (3). It is so honest and frank, and yet once again reflects upon himself as well. Why does he hang out with someone he dislikes? It is perfectly high school. Similarly, I really enjoyed Keller’s discussion of reasons for getting married, and I think this could be expounded upon even more.
At the same time, I think that some things that Keller does seem un-Keller. Why does he assume the acne guy hates him just because Keller happened to glance away when they made eye contact. Keller seems overly sensitive, here. Then, on pg 8, he is rather snide to the man that is buying condoms, saying, “Just be careful there, Mr. Hubbard. Well, I guess I don’t need to tell you that.” Why is Keller suddenly so aggressive here? There wasn’t enough change/growth in between these two incidences to make me expect this different tone.
Also, I wonder if there is a way to make some elements of this story more understated. I didn’t think that you needed to call the narrator’s anxiety “The Thing.” We know that he is nervous and unsure of himself. I think you show us enough--through his stuttering and passive voyeurism-- that we don’t need to be told each time he starts to get apprehensive. Also, I wonder if there is a better way for the narrator to conquer The Thing without telling his grocery store manager, “Fuck you.” Even though the manager was looking over his shoulder, Keller was rather presumptuous to the smelly condom-buyer. I took this scene to be the climax of your story, and yet I am not sure if I understand why Keller responds so strongly at this point--things seem unanswered. When did he save up so much money? Did he know he didn’t need the job that day? If he didn’t need the job already, then why was he still working a job that he disliked?
Clearly, a change takes place in Keller’s character, but I am not sure what spurs it on. Is it watching the lonely people that surround him in the bus? Is it wanting to talk to Jennifer so badly? Is it him finally realizing that he dislikes his friends and the way his life has turned out in general? What is the impetus for change?
I think you have a really strong character and a lot of great moments and details to work with.
Good luck with your revisions,
Katie
Dear James,
The outer story of this piece is the arrival of the intern and how his presence affects the interpersonal relationships at the brokerage firm. The inner story of this piece is understanding the complex psychology of the protagonist, and how his love for Annie grows and changes.
I think a strength to this piece is its boldness in creating a character that is incredibly strange, unlikeable in almost every respect, and yet also very intriguing and intelligent. Jeremy is witty and anti-establishment. I love how he starts smoking just because the partners banned it, and notices things like how the firm is high pressure but “well stocked on bagels.” (1) He at times seems so smooth and James Bond-esque. When Annie says “ Somebody kill this man,” Jeremy wonderfully responds, “Do it yourself, darling…be a go-getter.” Jeremy appears be one of those high-powered, smart, rich business men, yet he is completely unstable. Similarly, he seems not to care about Annie and her relationship with the intern, acting aloof and nonchalant about everything, yet we as readers know that her affair hurts him deeply. I think these dualities in his characterization add a complexity to his character that can be played up even more.
As much as I love many of the details that define Jeremy, many of them also struck me as off, and, almost paradoxically, out of character. Does he really send “flaming pinheads” into a planter during a meeting? Cut a lock of Annie’s hair without her putting up a much bigger and angrier fight? Grab papers from the intern’s hands, saying they are “confidential?” Try to burn his own desk? Jeremy doesn’t strike me as the childish type—he might play games, but I don’t think his actions would be so bizarre. I think more consistency in what he does would help us understand both how he feels and how he tries to deal with these feelings.
Ultimately, I felt like this story is about Annie and Jeremy, and more specifically what Annie means to Jeremy. We get interesting details about their relationship—that it is very sexual and aggressive—but we are never allowed to understand it beyond a cursory level. Why does Jeremy suddenly decide he is in love with Annie? What made him suddenly realize it? Why doesn’t he confront Annie or Jeremy when he sees them kissing and hears them having sex? Jeremy strikes me as a rebel without a cause, why doe he not have the chutzpah to confront his girlfriend, who is having an incredibly obvious affair? If he can’t talk to Annie about her adultery because it hurts him too much, or because he can’t confront his own feelings on the matter, then I think you need to convey this to the reader more clearly. Show us how he responds to her indiscretion. Let me see his pain. I like that the intern leaves, and Jeremy stands rather pathetically triumphant with Annie by his side, but that ending could have much more poignancy if we understood how much her company truly means to him.
Good luck with revisions,
Katie
Dear Joaquin,
I felt that the outer story of your piece is the how narrator rejects, once again, Taylor’s offer to have Diego spend the night. The inner story of this piece is understanding the complex history behind the narrator and Taylor’s friendship and how that friendship has dramatically changed throughout their lives.
I think that the friendship you have created between Taylor and the narrator is so rich and complex. There are so many moments that really bring the power-struggle to life, that show their differences and that poignantly characterize both men. I love that the narrator, “watched a lot more drinking that [he] actually did” (2), and had to “remember to be inarticulate” when he talks to Taylor on the phone now decades later. There are so many great lines like these that are so telling of their dynamic. One of the greatest parts of the story is how Taylor used to always imitate the narrator asking Mrs. Krispidiani to change seats: “…all the way until high school graduation, back came my voice, always in a high pitched whine. So that’s how I say it in my own memory now” (4). I think this is such a powerful moment in the story, because not only does it characterize Taylor as the funny-meets-annoying, peer-pressuring friend that he is, but we also see how the narrator continued to be friends with him despite his obnoxious qualities. I think most importantly, we see how Taylor has seeped into the narrator’s memories and has deeply influenced his thoughts about himself as well.
As specific and multi-layered as I think much of your description is between these two friends, I struggled to understand who the narrator really was. He is so shy and uncertain at the beginning that I thought he had social anxiety or was even autistic. As the story unfolds, however, I realize he is completely normal, with a great well-paying job and a loving family. Why does he not like calls he can’t “rehearse and plot out beforehand” (1), it seems like that is just about every call. Also, after reading about the narrator being responsible in high school, watching and doing homework more than getting in trouble, and not letting his son spend the night at Taylor’s I wonder why he drinks in his car at the end of the story. I didn’t feel like these actions fit with how he is described in the rest of the story.
You build up wonderful tension between these two characters, but I felt that the end of this story doesn’t do justice to the fabulous conflict that is building throughout. The climax of the story, to me, was when the narrator says his son can’t spend the night. I would elaborate on this scene. If this isn’t the first time he has said no, why is Taylor so angry? Why is this particular ‘no’ so important? What is it now that makes the narrator evaluate his feelings of superiority? Why now? Also, I was unsure how to interpret his car-ride at the end of this story. Is this the narrator going back to his days with Taylor? Is she trying to incorporate the things that Taylor thought him, back into his life? What are we supposed to take away from that final action?
I think you have a really good start—I thought these were some of the most compelling characters,
Katie
Joaquin:
The outer story appears to be the speaker’s conversation with his old childhood friend, Taylor – Taylor asks if the speaker’s son can spend the night at his house with his two sons; the speaker lies, saying that his son has a baseball game too early in the morning, when he really just doesn’t want his son to be under Taylor’s supervision or the bad influence of his children. Also, there’s the back story showing Taylor and the speaker’s friendship growing up and where they are now. The inner story is the speaker’s nostalgia for his childhood, when he admired Taylor for being the “king of adolescence” and his sadness over the separation between them that was the result of adulthood. You get the sense that he’s happy to be where he is, but there’s a melancholy to his actions and thoughts that reveal his sadness over losing his friend and the glory days of adolescence.
There are a lot of strengths to this story: the dialogue is very realistic and vibrant…you definitely hear the voice of Taylor, and the voice of the speaker (we never know his name right?) is strong and for-the-most-part consistent. You do a great job of capturing what their childhood was like—it feels very real, and you show the speaker’s feelings towards Taylor in a way that is very honest. The struggle that the speaker undergoes between being a successful parent and husband and missing his friend and the days of his youth is nicely displayed, giving the story a bittersweetness.
I felt like this story needed more weight to make the reader care more for the main character and for his situation. The ending in particular needed to have more relevance in relation to the rest of the story…although his reenacting of an activity he used to do with Taylor revealed to us how much he misses his old life, I didn’t think that was enough. What’s at stake for the reader? I thought you could do something more with the “spending the night” issue – what if he lets his kid go over there without his wife’s permission? He doesn’t have Taylor’s “shield” anymore, and this could seriously affect his relationship with his wife. Maybe something happens to his kid. I felt like if this story is going to be based solely on the emotional turmoil of the speaker, we need that to come through more strongly, otherwise the reader is left feeling a bit empty and unsatisfied. I don’t know much about the speaker except that he’s rich, has a son, a wife, and a trouble-making best friend…what does he look like, how is his relationship with his wife, how is his relationship with his son, how does he feel? I want to really get inside of this person…one place where you really do this well is in the scene where he’s watching his son play baseball. Do that more. There are also many grammatical errors and awkward sentences that I marked. You have some really beautiful sentences too, which I also marked. There is also one paragraph, the one about music class with the substitute teacher, that I though either needed serious reorganization and revision or could just be taken out – it says a lot of things we already know…that they are loud and rambunctious in class, etc. You may not need it. You should also go back through this and decide what details about their childhood are important and what excess information can be eliminated. I thought you hammered the idea of them being rowdy in school a little too hard…we only really need to hear about it once. What you should have more of is the meat of their relationship. How did the speaker really feel about Taylor – did he even really like him? Was he embarrassed of him? Did he feel competitive towards or jealous of him? Make us see these things, and the story will feel a lot more meaningful.
Great job! -Brodie
James,
This story is about a broker in a stock/mutual company that is insane. It centers around his jealousy of the new intern in a possible relationship with Annie. I am not sure what exactly the main character wants, except for getting rid of the intern, and Annie.
Narrative Voice
The detached third person works very well for this story. It objectively relates even the strangest details without flinching. The narrator moves very fast through the story and though this adds to the sense of the severely unaffected nature I thought that at times you could go more into some scenes to provide a little more clarity. I thought that the middle two paragraphs on p3 could be condensed into one and lengthened. Per haps taking the bit of the description about the city out and talking more about Jeremy, Annie and the intern. Also the scene on p2 where Jeremy muses on his shatterproof windows, I thought this scene could be deeper and allow for a little more insight into what exactly his manias are. The second paragraph on p6 also seemed a little weird to me. I think that maybe it was how it put so many of Jeremy’s ideas into such a small space and actually moved up close to him, explaining what he realized.
I thought that the last two pages suffered the most from this style of narrative, I wasn’t really sure what was going on with the fire, hammers, kerosene, intern etc. I couldn’t see where it was going and what was going on with Jeremy.
Characters
I needed a little more explanation of Jeremy. I got that he was crazy and twisted, but I don’t understand whether he is really intelligent or not. He seems not to do much work why is this? Is he the ceo’s son or is he just high enough up where he doesn’t have to. Also I don’t know if he is delusional or not. I don’t know if the Annie and the intern thing is really going on or if he is just imagining it.
Annie works out pretty well. I think that her language could show more of their relationship. I was particularly confused at her reactions to his intimations at some pretty sadistic stuff. She doesn’t have dialogue here and I think that she could. Do they do this? The scene where she is called a cradle robber, is it because of him or because of the intern. I don’t have a great sense of her age and I think that it is important.
The intern doesn’t seem nearly as scared as I would imagine. I get two conflicting views of him. One is a symbol of sexuality as Jeremy imagines, the other is just a pencilneck office worker. I think that this difference, if it is real could be played up to heighten the sense of Jeremy’s delusions.
Michael,
This story is about a boy who escapes his role near the bottom of the high school social scene; however I didn’t get that until the end. Joseph wants a car and to get off of the bus. He also wants the cell phone girl.
The story is written in first person, but from much later in life as is evidenced by the advanced diction of the narrator. This created for me a kind of skewed reality because I knew that the narrator would not be able to remember accurately all the minute details and that he would have to fictionalize parts of it, this gave everything a distorted, fish-eye lens effect that really added to the story for me. I had a few suggestions though.
Joseph’s stuttering problem becomes personified as the Thing. This just didn’t feel right or descriptive enough given the insight with which he looks at the rest of the world. Also, I don’t know what brings it on, it just seemed to come out of nowhere on p4. Is it only when he’s nervous? If so what made him nervous here. “The Thing” seems so big, scary and ominous that it distracted me from the other actions of the story; I kept looking for it to come back. I wonder if it could somehow be hinted at earlier in the story and maybe renamed so it doesn’t try to take over.
At the bottom of p6 there is a break followed by some more observations of the cast of characters on the bus. It doesn’t seem to fit here. I thought that this section has too much great detail to edit out and rather than do that it could be more smoothly integrated into the story. The narrator simply describes the others on the bus. He leaves himself out as well as his reactions to them. I think that this section is supposed to show his dislike of his situation and his growing desire to distance himself from it as soon as possible, but it doesn’t do this as is. Maybe he could mention at the beginning how much he has made, to put in perspective how much longer he will have to live with this.
I love the scene where Joseph snaps. This is huge, his life completely changes here for the better. I was thinking that a little more time could pass between him getting the car and talking to Jennifer. He is changed and I thought that more aspects of his life could change, too. Maybe an interaction with Eric where it becomes evident that the two of them will not hang out together anymore, maybe some musings about pudgy girl and acne boy and what they might be up to now. I don’t know. this triumph didn’t last long enough for me in a story that is all about getting off the bus. He doesn’t seem excited all that much.
Cool story. I am looking forward to talking about it in class.
James:
This is a hysterically black story, dripping with cynicism and wit. I love it.
The outer story seems to be Jeremy’s day-to-day life in the office, his relationships with Annie and the intern, and his masochistic tendencies towards himself, his office, and his inferiors. The inner story appears to be Jeremy’s deep-seated hatred for a job that he does so well and his life at large. We also see his strange almost S&M love relationship with Annie, his perversion and misogynism, and his obsession with pain, sex, and death. This is one messed up guy.
What I love about this story is its understated humor. The humor just happens. It doesn’t force itself on you. There’s a blatant irony about Jeremy’s behavior in a world that is so decidedly crisp and upper-class. His voice is great, and although his behavior is startling, you make his character believable. I loved how you played up unique details, like the purple lipstick and the intern doing crunches. I also really liked the dynamic between Jeremy and the intern…his alpha dog leg-raising was both humorous and disturbing. The clipped subtlety of the story is great for describing this sterile corporate world, and you do a great job keeping it consistent and in close third person.
Unfortunately, within this clipped third-person P.O.V., it’s hard to get a handle on things sometimes. It’s great seeing things through Jeremy’s eyes, but I feel like we need more depth in order to really understand Jeremy by the end of the story and realize what’s at stake for him. As it is now, I’m kind of left feeling indifferent because that sort of seems to be how he feels. I almost feel like this close third person isn’t close at all but more like a façade of a close third person. Maybe he’s too cold to even understand his own emotions and thus the reader can never understand, but make that clear to us. Show us that we really aren’t close at all so that in the end the reader isn’t left wondering what to feel. Some details could be explained better too, like the wedding ring. Where does his wife stand in all of this? And also, what exactly is the nature of Jeremy’s and Annie’s relationship. Is she just having sex with everybody with no strings attached, or are he and Annie actually a couple? I also don’t believe that he’s in love with her, and although I love the coldness if his realization, I’d like to at least get a glimpse of honesty. She feels like an object and not like a person he loves. His masochistic thoughts and actions are surprising and delightful, but we need more background in order to believe them. Why is he like this, and why do people tolerate it? I think his cutting of Annie’s hair might be a little overboard, but I loved everything else…even the lighting of the desk. You might try making the other characters less passive in response to Jeremy’s actions…I almost feel like these people are drugged, they’re so indifferent to his crazed behavior. They should be anxious, bewildered, intimidated, worried, or maybe seduced. But I’m not seeing much emotional response, even from Annie who seems to be an important character. Finally, I’d like to see the ending be stronger – it kind of leaves us hanging and without any sense of change. It should reveal something about Jeremy’s character, his life, or his relationship to Annie (which seems important but understressed). Let us pierce through his icy fucked-up surface just once. ;) Fantastic creative work! -Brodie
Dear Joaquin,
I understood your outer story to be about a hardworking family man who is still in contact with his troubled best friend from childhood. I understood your inner story to be about your narrator’s conflicted attitude towards Taylor, and his struggles to reconcile their long friendship and strong memories with his discomfort about having his own son spend time with the adult Taylor and his boys.
One of the great strengths of this piece is the terrific cast of characters. The first person voice is strong, and you do a great job of subtly-but-clearly conveying your narrator’s complex sentiments towards Taylor. The way that he questions his own actions – especially the way he talks to and lies to Taylor – is great. The brief descriptions of the family are also very specific, and they convey a great deal of information very economically. Taylor is also a great character. He’s crazy and entertaining, but he’s also real enough that I found myself relieved that I didn’t know him. And yet, best of all, in some ways he felt very familiar, not all that unlike people that many of your readers probably know. The evolution of the friendship between Taylor and the narrator is wonderful. You do a great job of showing how each of them has changed individually, and how the dynamic is changed, and the process seems natural and interesting rather than forced or heavy-handed. It’s a great accomplishment to explain the evolution of a friendship in a way that is both captivating and familiar, but you pull it off. The dialogue between the two is especially strong.
One question I have is about the era in which this story is taking place. The memories of childhood with Taylor and the present day narration both feel very modern, but obviously these are not both possible. I’m not saying that you should get caught up in 1960’s/1970’s or futuristic details, but I do think you need to differentiate somehow between the different eras that your story covers. I was also a little confused about the current status of the narrator’s friendship with Taylor. He seems very up-to-date on Taylor’s life, and their kids are even friends, but yet in the opening scene he seems terribly shocked by Taylor’s phone call. If Taylor is still very present in the narrator’s life, why is this phone call so unexpected? If Taylor never calls, how come there seems to be a tradition of him asking to have Diego over? Finally, while I loved the feeling and specificity of the ending, I wasn’t quite sure what I was supposed to take away from the story. It perplexed me that he was repeating his long-ago tradition, only without Taylor. Is he trying to feel closer to Taylor, but this is the best he can do? I wasn’t sure.
Overall, you’ve got a really great start here. I was interested the whole way, and I even wanted more of these characters. I look forward to seeing where you go with this.
Zach
Dear Joaquin,
I really enjoyed the idea of a character who feels guilty for doing the right thing and making good decisions. This story is about a main character who feels bad about abandoning his childhood friend and his musings on the past. I think that what he really wants is to get rid of his guilt. He wants to stop feeling bad about the fact that he is successful and that his friend is raising children to be just like him. He is also struggling to deal with filling the hole that Taylor left when he moved out of his life.
This story is extremely readable and very easy to understand. It deals with really human, basic issues. However, I still found myself questioning different aspects of the Narrator’s actual feelings. In comparison to Taylor, who has a backstory and emotions, he seems rather flat.
I don’t really understand where all the awkwardness in the two’s current relationship comes from. The narrator seems almost scared of him. Or maybe he really dislikes him. In a lot of his recollections he remembers when Taylor teased him or the fact that Taylor was strong where he was weak. Now, that he is on top I don’t understand why he still has this fear of Taylor. It’s as if he has never recovered from this and even now is still submissive. I thought that this whole concept could be explored more, maybe in the paragraph at the bottom of p8
The scene of his son’s baseball game left me wanting something. It is wonderfully described. I knew that it related to his past with Taylor, but I wasn’t sure how. The narrator seems very nostalgic here and almost a little sad. It’s like he wishes his son had a best friend on the team or that he could re-live his own baseball days. I think the narrator could be more interactive here.
Towards the end of the story, I wasn’t sure who was the focus of this story, whether it was the narrator or Taylor. I think that the last page and a half would indicate that it is the narrator. I wanted to see just a little more feeling in the narrator’s recollections, like on p8 where he called the narrrator’s mom a bitch. There was just silence. He never talks about what he was feeling during those recollections. Even with the whole part on baseball Given the lack of insight to his feelings, I don’t understand his actions at the end of the story. Is he proving that he can be like Taylor on his own, that he doesn’t need Taylor, or is he reliving a past where Taylor was still around.
Michael:
The outer story appears to be the speaker’s day-to-day routine of going to the bus and his shrewd observations of the people around him. The inner story looks to be his overcoming of a kind of social phobia that seems to hinder him up until he’s able to ask Jennifer if she wants a ride. It also seems to show us him growing up, getting a job and a car, and eventually being able to talk to a girl.
I absolutely love this character that you’ve created. He’s so utterly shrewd and funny but completely a socially inept dork on the other hand. The reader loves him and sees his vulnerability underneath the cynical front his voice puts on. I love how scarily aware his is of his surroundings, noticing everybody and everything, worrying and caring about them. It’s really touching that although he’s unable to relate or talk to other people, he’s able to feel so strongly about them. You chose your words beautifully in this story as well.
One thing I thought could be clarified a bit more was this Thing that seems to be permanently planted inside the main character. What is it exactly? It seems to always result in a stutter and him losing control of himself, but the reader doesn’t really understand what it is. It almost seems scarier than it actually is…maybe you could describe it more, explain its history of infringing on the protagonist’s attempts at being social and dealing with life. I appreciate the ending, where he is able to talk to Jennifer and suppress the Thing, but I don’t see anything especially powerful about that. He’s suppressed the Thing before. Although we see him change in more shallow ways – getting a job, then a car, and then finally being able to interact with a girl – I’d like to see him change and grow psychologically as well. Let us see his thoughts and ideas evolve.
I think this is a brilliant story and can’t wait to see where you take it.
-Brodie
Dear James,
I understood your outer story to be about a broker named Jeremy who dislikes the new intern in his firm, and is prepared to destroy the firm when he discovers the intern is leaving. I understood your inner story to be about Jeremy’s love for his coworker Annie, his destructive drive to create excitement, and his intense dissatisfaction with his job and his life.
First of all, I want to congratulate you on writing an extremely original, totally bizarre, absolutely fascinating story. I spent about the first three pages trying to figure Jeremy out, and then I gave up and enjoyed the incomprehensibility of his behavior. What I especially admire is that you managed to make his behavior both astonishing and consistent. The strange things he says and does do not feel random; instead, they create an intriguing character who seems believable and sympathetic, if not clear or complete. I think the use of terse, limited-but-distant third person point of view is a fantastic choice. It allows us to focus solely on Jeremy, but it also keeps us struggling to understand him. I’m not sure we ever actually enter his thoughts, and I think this makes the story exciting and almost a little creepy: what exactly is going on in that mind? I especially enjoyed his observations of and interactions with the unnamed intern. I found myself wanting to pity the poor kid, but at the same time I felt strangely and fiercely loyal to Jeremy. I love the fact that we never quite discover the history or status of his relationship to Annie (a wedding ring is mentioned, but we never learn if she is his wife). The ambiguity of that relationship makes his behavior towards the intern especially interesting, because we don’t know just how affronted he should be by the intern’s affair with her.
While I love the style of the narration, and a great deal of the ambiguity, I did find myself feeling not-quite-satisfied at the end of the story. I wanted to know a little more, and I think one way to do this while still maintaining the wonderfully distant narration could be occasional brief, sentence-long references to the past. Flashbacks in the form of scenes or half-scenes would be a poor fit here, but I think scattered lines that give the reader clues as to how James got to this firm, how long he’s been there, when he met Annie, and so forth, could help make the picture a little clearer without compromising the ambiguity of motivation that I think is essential to this piece. I love the last scene, because in many ways it’s the first time I really understand his thoughts or behavior. A few more clues here and there would be helpful.
This is really great work, James, and I admire the way you transport your reader into a bizarre and totally enchanting universe. You also have a gift for making morally questionable characters seem frighteningly appealing, and you’ve done it yet again. Nice job!
Zach
Dear Michael,
I understood your outer story to be about Joseph’s decision and efforts to earn money in order to get a car and somehow elevate himself above his lowly existence. I understood your inner story to be about Joseph’s quest for self-confidence and self-respect.
I’m going to start with the ending. It’s terrific. It’s a small event, but we understand the enormous significant that it holds for Joseph. You write this last paragraph in such a matter-of-fact way, and I imagine that this is exactly how Joseph would tell it: trying desperately, and somewhat unsuccessfully, to act like it’s no big deal. In general, the tone of this piece is terrific. It’s very funny, but we also sympathize and relate to the way that Joseph takes himself very seriously. I especially enjoyed the section about his employment as a bagger. His various trials and tribulations were so inventive, so believable, and so consistent with this great character. As has been brought up in class before, I also like the way you juxtapose his expressed contempt for romance, etc… with his clear, unspoken desperation for it. First person narration is a great choice for this piece, because you offer a compelling narrator who explains himself to us, and yet you allow us to understand him better than he himself can.
One thing that didn’t quite work for me was, in fact, “The Thing.” Joseph is so articulate and self-aware throughout the story (even when his self-awareness may be slightly deluded), that his inability to express this feeling seems strange and forced. My larger criticism is harder to explain: I feel like there are four distinct chapters to this story (the bus scene, Eric’s house, the job, and the final scene). Even though each of these builds logically from the next in terms of plot and character development, I didn’t feel the buildup of emotion that I think this story demands. I would especially point to the grocery store chapter that, while I found it terrifically entertaining, could do more in terms of Joseph’s character arc. I don’t leave that part of the story with a clear understanding of how it has changed Joseph’s life. Even the climactic “f-f-fuck you” at the end does not feel as necessary or as triumphant as it needs to. I think it might help to replace “The Thing” with more specific descriptions of Joseph’s desperate state, and more examples of its manifestation in his attitudes and behaviors.
I enjoyed this story immensely. Your loveable losers and strange situations often remind me of my own writing, and I really think I can learn a lot from the way you craft these elements into compelling, funny, meaningful narratives.
Zach
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