Dear Zach, Wow, stellar story. I really enjoyed Champ and admire a lot of the elements you’ve got here. I read your outer story to be about a college freshman returning home for the first time, and then returning to school and getting rejected by the girl he wants to date. I read your inner story to be about a son trying to break free from his controlling mother, only to find the importance and comfort of family when he encounters hardship at school. I thought that Jake wanted to become his own person, and to do that by shedding his former identity and habits. I thought that Jake’s mom wanted her son to be a high achiever and to be grounded in Jewish tradition, in large part because she wanted him to be successful, obedient, and controllable. I think that you do an excellent job using the first person to establish a subtle point of view. Jake filters everything for us, but the filter is so subtle that it’s not until the end of the story that I fully realized that his view of the world (when looking at everyday details) isn’t that of Kim’s, and that it certainly isn’t that of his mother’s or sisters. The subtlety is great here—I feel that you use action and description very well to show rather than tell, so that as readers we learn about the character through inference. I think you also do a great job of invoking familiar elements of the freshman experience without making them feel tired or clichéd. There were many times in your piece that I felt I was the one having the conversation—some of the messages Jake leaves, the conversations with his mother, and the conversations with his sister all had the ring of familiar truth, but they also were very three dimensional. I think that came, in part, from the attention to detail and characterization. Like your previous pieces, Champ creates characters with enough quirk and enough humor that they’re always engaging, and yet complex enough, and detailed enough, that they feel very real. I like details like “Cinderella shirt” and “high heels and makeup.” Through these I see the scene and I see the character very clearly. Jake’s sister is wonderful—she really evoked all sorts of emotion in me without feeling like a tool. I did want to know some more about why Jake hates spelling so vehemently. It’s clear his sister likes it (something Jake understands by the end, and his mastery of his hatred shows a maturing and the depth of his love for his sister), but Jake hated it. His mother doesn’t ever strike me as terribly controlling, so why he’s reacted so strongly doesn’t seem clear to me. Nor does the degree to which he renounces Judaism. It wasn’t hard for me to believe that he’d start ignoring the Shabbat rules and would start skipping out on services, but it was harder for me to believe that he’d reject the entire cultural aspect, especially if it is as big a part of his identity as I thought it was. I never saw him actively working to cut these elements out of who he was, but his rejection seems to be a new and big deal, so I’d like to see some more of the process behind the transformation there. (Or the lack of transformation, try as Jake might.) Finally, I think the detail about Dad being gone was tantalizing, and important to explain some more. The story, at it crux, seems to be about identity, family, and relationships. I imagine that Dad’s departure has affected all these in Jake’s life, but how and why remain unclear. Great story and the great characters! James
Zach, I perceived the outer-story as taking place on two different subplots—he’s going home for Thanksgiving break and is kind of ambivalent about seeing his family (he’s starting to question some of the Jewish beliefs imposed upon him by his mother, and has had very little contact with her all quarter). Meanwhile, he really likes this girl, Kim, and would like to see a relationship develop out of it. However, he’s never had a girlfriend before and is unsure as to whether his feelings are reciprocal. I perceived the inner story as Jake’s internal struggles and guilt associated with rejecting the beliefs that his mother considers so important to the vitality of their family. Things like the spelling bees are also important in conveying the dominance of the mother in the lives of her children—the same dominance that Jake is trying to wrest himself free from.
I thought Jake was a very relatable character—and his feelings about being away from home for the first time seem very real and true. Things like starting to question imposed beliefs accompanied by feelings of freedom—but at the same time feelings of misdirection and uncertainty—are all evident at this uncertain period in young people’s lives. The phone conversation with his mom was great too—his trying to turn the tables on his Shabbat phone call, telling her that he thought she’d like it, when in reality he probably had ulterior motives was very interesting and said a lot about Jake as a character.
I really liked how at the beginning you wrote, “I’ll be home in a week, and I know I won’t be able to lie to her face.” This creates conflict and tension, but it’s important that you don’t flat out say what the lie will be, or what Jake’s contemplating lying about. This compelled me to read further and figure it out myself—which you allow me to do. Nice work.
My favorite part was the scene where Jake asks Kim out on a date. At that point I had already invested a lot into Jake, and so it was crushing to see him get rejected in this very real scene. The tension, nervousness and awkwardness seeped through the page. Jake’s subsequent phone call to Rachel highlights the close relationship they have with one another, even though she seems much younger than Jake. They provide comfort and support for one another, and it’s a very touching, poignant relationship.
One thing that I thought you could have gone into more was the dad’s departure, and how it affected the family. Did the mother change because of this? Is that why she’s so controlling—is she afraid she’ll lose her children too? Adding more back story for this part can help explain the current attitudes of the characters on a new, more compelling level.
I also felt as though the scenes could have been described a bit better; for example, I knew i was in a dorm room, but I would have loved to see the dorm room—or even Jake’s home. I didn’t even know what part of the country he lived in, let alone what his house was like. Was his family rich or poor?
Another little thing: I never really got a feel for Rachel’s age. At times I thought she was ten or younger and at other times I thought she might be a young teen, as she made insightful comments or had mature actions that suggested she was older.
Overall I think this was a great draft, and I wish you the best of luck with your revisions.
This is great. The outer story is Jacob having a crush on a girl his freshman year, going to visit his family, and then coming home to be rejected by the girl. The inner story is Zach battling for his own identity separate from his controlling mom and her religious views. His relationship with Kim, which eventually ends in rejection, reveals itself as a means of connection with his sister, who seems to know him better than anybody and helps bring him to a new understanding of himself.
There is so much wonderful stuff here. I love Jacob, his observations, his personality, and his honesty with himself and the reader. I love his relationship with his sister, how tender and lovely it is without being contrived. His mother is great too, and the spelling thing adds so much humor and interest to everything. You create a fantastic voice, the dialogue is wonderful, and your details are really great in a lovely understated way – Kim’s eyes that change color, Rachel holding his hand, Kim’s makeup and aversion of eye-contact, just to name a few. The ending is also great because it shows that Jacob has come to accept his past as well as who he is now, and that he his new understanding of himself has brought him closer to his family.
A few ideas: I want to know more about Kim and Jake’s relationship with her, so that at the end her rejecting him has more weight. I marked on my copy of your story a good place for you to do this. The spelling thing also feels like it needs to be explained more in two different ways: 1) it should be explained at least subtly more in the beginning so that his suppression of the urge to spell doesn’t seem so odd. I thought he might have a weird case of OCD or something before I read the rest. 2) the spelling seems to have a huge role in his relationship with his family, and the reader should understand more about why his mom made him spell and is now making his sister spell in order to get Jake’s intense negative reactions to it (ex: feeling like he has to vomit). You mention the father briefly, and I feel like that is a serious issue that could be elaborated upon and really enrich the story. The religion thing should also be gone into a bit more – I want to see Jacob in college fighting to get rid of his old religious habits, realizing that he doesn’t believe in God, fighting against the deeply ingrained beliefs his mom force-fed him and his sister. Lastly, when Jake finally tells his mom about his newly found agnosticism, I felt like her reaction didn’t show us the over-bearing, emotional, passive aggressive mother that the reader expects. Have her fight him a bit more before finally backing off and explaining her side. Her calm acceptance makes us like her and wonder why Jacob was being so dramatic about it all. If she force-fed him then she won’t want to back down now.
I love this. Congratulations on a fantastic first draft. I can’t wait to see the final version.
The outer story in this piece is about Jake’s first Thanksgiving back from college, where he runs into some conflicts with his mother. The inner story concerns Jake’s struggle to maintain close to his family, whom he clearly loves, while at the same time becoming more distant from them because of geography, as well as other more serious points of contention. Jake, then, ultimately wants to stay close to his family while simultaneously breaking away from them. This was a really great story, and I think it worked for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was the very strong characterization. Jake’s mom and sister was wonderfully realized, and they felt like real human beings. Jake, too, was complex and interesting, which is sometimes hard to pull off in the first person. None of the characters was too one note or flat; they all had complexities that really brought them to life. In addition, the dialogue here is excellent. You write like people talk might sound like a prosaic complement, but it can be a hard thing to pull off. You nailed it. It was also often funny, but not in a strained or contrived way. I thought Rachael especially had some endearing and humorous lines. Plot-wise, I really liked that there was a lot going on. The conflict between Jake and his mom, which forms the heart of the story, had a lot of different levels, which was well observed and felt very true. There was also a strong sense of context and backstory, but you never resorted to exposition: we find out about things like Jake’s Spelling Bee career organically as the story progresses. Other elements, like absence of a father, cast a long shadow on the story, and you don’t need to point to them to get that sense, which is also very effective. There’s a lot that’s merely hinted at or suggested in this piece, which made it all the stronger. As far as areas for improvement, there could perhaps be a little more contention between Jake and his mom. Particularly, in the scene where he tells her he doesn’t believe in God, I thought there should be a bit more tension. Not a lot, I don’t want handstands or histrionics and I very much liked that their disputes were never too loud or dramatic, but the mom, who is presented as a pretty observant Jew, would, I thought, probably have a somewhat more serious reaction. I also wanted a teensy bit more about Jake’s spelling background. My reading of it was that he never really liked it, and that his mom forced him into it, which he saw happening all over again with Rachel. Thus, when Rachel claims she likes spelling, he backs off a bit. However, I think all of that could come out a little more clearly in the story. Why does Jake seem to accept Rachel’s spelling at the end? What changed? Has he realized that he himself didn’t really hate the Bees all that much? Or is this just sort of a metaphor for him staying close on some level with his family? I think either is okay (or both), but it should be made clearer. Finally, I’m not sure about Kim. I like her character, and I enjoyed all the scenes in which she appeared. She definitely serves to make Jake’s college experience colder and less accepting, which is important in the story. I also loved the ambiguity of the whole relationship and the painfully awkward “asking her out on a date” scene. I’m not sure. I could go either way. To some degree I felt she was superfluous, but thinking back on it, maybe not. I definitely don’t think she should be excised entirely, but maybe changed in some way.
Zach: The outer story is about Jacob, who’s a freshman at college and is returning home for the first time over Thanksgiving break. Then, there seem to be three inner stories. The first is about Jake’s struggle with his changing views on his religion. The second is his unrequited attraction to Kim. The third is his resentment over his spelling bee past. Although I suppose the first and third could be consolidated, as they both are manifested in anger towards Jake’s mother. Jake’s ultimate objective seems to be freedom, weightlessness. His mother is certainly overbearing, and Jake is exploring new routes to escape what feels like a trapped past. I’m trying to figure out how Kim fits into this picture. Does she, too, liberate him? What, then am I supposed to interpret at the end when she rejects him? Is this failed flight?
This story felt incredibly real to me, and I think what contributed to that the most was your dialogue. It’s really fantastic. Each character is distinct and true. I was also pleasantly surprised to see that you did not simply rely on this incredible skill for direct dialogue. You never let it get to the point where I was tired of the dialogue, but rather quickly switched to indirect, summary, etc. I found it especially innovative when you erase Jake’s dialogue altogether and all we have is Rachel’s response on page 9 (“Don’t say those things”): we can obviously infer what sort of things Jake has said.
I think what sustains your story for so long is that you have these multiple inner stories. The trajectory for the story is not as clear-cut, which is definitely truer to life. We have many crises all of the time. The only thing I wonder is if one inner story should dominate in emotional weight over the others. We begin and end essentially with Kim, but I don’t really feel like Kim is the central crisis of the story. The religion issue, objectively, seems most monumental, but it is resolved rather neatly. Lastly, the spelling tension is represented in the title and the very last line. While Jake’s perspective on his spelling past seems to evolve over the arc of the story, it’s not as clean of an outcome as religion, which hints that the spelling is the most complex of the three. However, I feel like spelling is delved into the least. I obviously spent a lot of time while reading this story, trying to figure out where symbolism was pointing, where we would see the character change the most, etc. Again, while I feel like this is more true to reality, sometimes the allegorical nature of fiction can help illuminate truths that do not occur quite so naturally. Does that make sense?
Lastly, sometimes I’m a little confused as to who the audience is. For most of the piece, it feels like Jake is telling this story for himself. When he asks questions or explains too much, it breaks out of this point of view.
This is an impressively developed first draft and I can see how your work as an actor has contributed to your ear for dialogue. (I hope that’s not creepy, I saw you at the Shakes performance.)
Great story. I read the outer story as a college freshman dealing with a lot of the stuff that every college freshman has to deal with: being away from home, experiencing new things, having what they believe in shaken up, mixed in with a lot of loneliness and uncertainty. Jake has all of this, plus a religious and family crisis to deal with. The inner story was Jake learning to handle all of these changes and the way in which his relationship with his mother changed. I think that Jake wants to become somebody new at college, getting away from his family, religion and what I can only assume to be his old nerdy self (maybe I'm biased against spelling champs?).
I thought you did a really great job creating and developing Jake as a protagonist we can care about. The other characters were great as well. I was able to get a sense of the character's voice right from the beginning of the story. He is self-aware (and self-conscious) without seeming pathetic or grating on the reader. I think that this is because he likes who he his becoming. The line at the bottom of page one, "At that moment, I think that I could go on not tellingher things forever" is a gem. I really liked the mother and the little sister as well. They both seemed plausible and I could get a sense of the tension and love that existed in the relationships, especially between Jake and his mother. You did a great job with the mother, she is overbearing, but not a caricature and despite her strong convictions she is willing to accept her son's decisions. I would imagine that some people will tell you that they wanted more of Kim, but I thought that her role in the story was appropriate. I didn't want her to be a major character, since the story wasn't about her. She is just The Girl At College, I don't even think Jake liked her that much. I liked her better as an undeveloped character, an object of Jake's affections just because he wanted an object of his affections.
The dialogue in this story is great, it feels real. There were very few times that I felt like I was reading something 'written', for the most part, I could imagine the words being spoken by the characters.
One thing that I was not crazy about was the scene in which Kim rejects Jake's date proposal. Everything in the story felt so real except for this part. I think she at least needs to speak and give some sort of explanation, since it seems that she and Jake did have some sort of real relationship, whether or not Jake misread the existence of romantic feelings.
Also, at times Jake's voice slips into summary when I feel that it doesn't need to. You are so good at writing scenes with dialogue that I found myself frustrated, wanting to see the scene rather than hear a summarazation of what happened.
There are two outer stories in “Champ”—one is a sweet love story between Kim and our narrator, Jake (Jacob when his mother is angry), and the other is about how Jake is going to tell his mother about the ways he’s changed in college. I thought the inner story was about how Jake struggles with these identities of good son, rebellious college student, sweet brother, and possible boyfriend. I thought it was a very interesting choice to make the story not about the revelation he has at college (which could come off as melodramatic—how does a person come to not believe?—or conversely very boring—laziness, etc.) and more so about the aftermath of these choices. Jake comes off very clearly, from the very beginning, as a really sweet, awkward guy. I love him immensely. His motivations are to not cause his mother pain, but to make a necessary break into claiming his own personality.
First things first: please don’t worry about the length of your story. Your writing is a pleasure to read. You give Jake a very sincere, good-kid voice that is believable to the point that when he cusses, I almost don’t believe it (no, really, it seemed a little harsh for this guy). The tensions you’re drawing out—about being away from home, about trying to find oneself—are really complex; and the reason I say not to worry about length is because sometimes I felt like you were rushing scenes and not giving your characters enough space to interact together. For instance, I felt that the climax of your story was when he finally tells his mother that he’s changed, that he’s no longer her champ. And while I definitely felt the scene the way that it’s written now, I thought that the moment might be even more powerful if you showed me the tension building throughout that Thanksgiving break instead of saying, “The week goes fast.” Show me how he has tried to give her more hints (like the way he did with calling her on Saturday), show me how overbearing his mother is and how they battle with each other for little instances of control. So when he finally tells her on this very important day, it feels like it’s built up over this week. Also, this is an important scene and I don’t know that I would summarize dialogue in their conversation. As a reader, I am more than willing to listen in on this dialogue, so give it time. When you do slow things down, amazing things happen, like when Jake finally talks to Kim (disregarding the part when he doesn’t tell her about the Spelling Bee directly), I feel like I’m there. I love the details of her reaction. I love the way he says it, and that perfect joke, “I’ll even spell for you.” Awesome. In terms of their love story, I really liked the idea of him getting so much comfort from his little sister. And I do believe that she’s precocious and her voice is very believable when dealing with other topics (Thanksgiving, ice cream, and spelling), but in terms of the love story, I wasn’t sure how much I believed her. She is nine, the age that my sister is, and while she’s perfectly capable of giving a hug and being comforting in other cute ways, I don’t know that she could say what Rachel says on 14. I don’t even know that she would bring it up. My sister still thinks of boys as immature and too loud in class. This may just be me, though, so, something to think about.
In general, I really liked your story, Zach. It was sweet, but not overly so. I like that he doesn’t get Kim. You have a great sense of dialogue and detail and I really loved all your characters. So don’t be afraid to give me more. I look forward to talking about “Champ” in class. Thank you for sharing.
Hey Zach, I saw the outer story of Champ as being about Jake, who's in his first year at college and away from home, and the events surrounding his return home for Thanksgiving. Kim is a girl (space) friend of his, with whom he wants to be more intimate but she rejects his advances towards anything more than close friendship. When coming home, Zach reveals to his mother that he's turned away from Judaism in favor of agnosticism, which is big because it's a large part of her life. I saw the inner story as Zach's realization of his personality, and finding that his true beliefs come into conflict with those that he was raised with. In the end, he sort of accepts his past, although I wasn't totally certain (more on that later). I really LOVED reading your story- there was just a sort of breezy fluidity to the language that made it a quick and easy (and very enjoyable) read. Zach's voice is fantastic, as it has its own uniqueness without really resorting to any sort of uncommon tendencies (see: my story and cursing). It felt very real and honest, and I definitely could relate to some of the aspects of his character and especially his relationship with his mother and sister. It's also told in a sort of short-sentence present tense that makes it really feel like a story being told to me rather than something pre-written. You also do a brilliant job of explaining key elements of the story (his religious choice, his true relationship with Kim) in a manner that isn't at all forceful and is implemented at just the right times. I had one qualm with the story itself, in that I wasn't exactly sure of how the overall conflict of the story played out in the end. Jake, for a while, seemed to have BIG issues with his mother's religious indoctrination and her having Rachel spell, and I was anticipating a bigger reveal of why they were such a big deal to him. Instead, it just seemed like his mother pretty quickly accepted his choice and he gave in to Rachel's spelling tendencies and I didn't feel like it was totally resolved. I think I can connect the dots, but it wasn't quite there. I also think Rachel and the mother weren't entirely consistent- Rachel seemed a bit too smart and insightful for a nine-year-old, and the mother seemed to change from very religious to pretty observant over the course of the story, and I couldn't tell if that was just Jake's interpretation or the actual events. Those really are pretty nitpicky, I think, and jst a few tweasks could probably make their characters a little more clear. The relationships between the characters were fantastic through and through, especially Jake's avoidance of his mother early on. I thought this was a great story- it gave off a very welcoming vibe, and I felt like it was doing more work telling a story than I was doing reading it. I'd love to see how the relationships and characters develop! -Matty
Sorry for the late post. My big green bike that makes me happy got stolen today and I have been deciding which circle of hell the culprit belongs in. This story was about a boy who has been pressured by his mother all of his childhood and him finally standing up to his mother, then realizing that he still loves her and misses her. I think that what Jacob wants is to be more “normal” He reacts to some of the strange things that his mother does so strongly that he almost goes to the opposite polarity of weirdness, if that makes sense. I think that he also wants to date Kim and is in that really crappy and totally untrue just friends place with her.
Story There is clearly a lot going on here. There is his spelling mania, his girl trouble, telling mom he’s agnostic, fear for his sister, and what seems like a delayed teenage rebellion, also this sense of guilt that his mother puts on him. I was a little overwhelmed, as Jacob must be too, so I tried to prioritize them in my mind for the reading of the story. I think that Jacob’s main concern is that he will disappoint his mother and she will rain down stifling guilt upon him, for the agnostic thing I mean. He doesn’t seem to worry about this as much though. I wasn’t sure whether he was scared or excited to tell her, as though doing this thing that he knows will hurt her will make him feel better. That in mind, I want to know why he has so much anger for her. Some details about him growing up, the fact that he never got to go out on Friday nights, images of his mom forcing him to sit and spell words when he didn’t want to would help me put this together better. Characters
Where exactly is his dad? I know he left, but I think that the circumstances of his departure are very important to this story. If he left mom for another woman, I can see her being so clingy with her children. Did they always fight, was he a drunk, was he abusive and does his mother ever get at him by telling him he is like his father? Was his father Jewish too? I don’t necessarily want to know all of these things, but I think a little more of dad would help me understand the situation. Kim is not interested, but up until the end of the story I think she might be. Does she give any clues to this in the things she says to him? She seems pretty progressive and maybe that’s why he likes her, she is so different from his mom and home life. I wanted to see him think about her while he is at home maybe he calls her again and she is either annoyed or doesn’t pick up. This is the fastest I have gone through fourteen pages in a while. Great Job.
To me, the outer story is about an undercover cop who moves into his brother’s house after he gets shot and has money problems. The internal story is how Lawrence dislikes and is jealous of his younger, more successful brother, but how they eventually can reconnect by reminiscing about the past.
I really like how the tone of this story is strong and consistent. With the use of slang and curse words and abbreviating words, we get an idea of what it would be like to talk to the narrator. His attitude is so cynical, and he is so observant, so we get a great sense of how he takes in the world around him. His extreme loathing comes through both directly and indirectly. I love the slightly indirect description: “I hated the cold; heat was by far my favorite bit about living in the desert. Among my least favorite parts were ugly southwestern-styled couches and red-tiled floors like Greg had in his living room” (3). The reader knows exactly where Lawrence stands, and it comes through his dialogue, thought processes, and the language used for both.
Another thing I find really interesting is the tension Lawrence feels in his new everyday life. Watching how he has been influenced by the bullet wound and how he now interacts with people is so interesting, especially when we later find out that he was so sociable in high school. It’s great how he describes his wound as “a daily bonus reminder of my own mortality in the form of a chronic numbness from my calves down” (4), and how he notices so acutely how people can’t talk to him without focusing on the light patches of skin on his neck.
Something that could use a little tweaking is the dialogue, especially in the final scene with Greg. I think they both say important things, and a lot gets expressed, but the interchange doesn’t feel natural. For example, it seems strange that when Greg pours his heart out about missing his brother, Lawrence responds by attacking Greg’s artificiality. And when Greg explains the story of Lawrence to the Thompsons, I learn a lot of crucial information, but the way he does it, in monologue dialectic form like that, doesn’t seem quite realistic.
Another question I had was about why exactly Lawrence does think and talk with such an uneducated feel. While it is interesting, and makes him sound tough, I don’t quite know how it is justified. While the story says that he changes his way of talking based on who he’s with, it makes me wonder why he isn’t more perceptive and reactive to the people around him in this segment of his life – the part shown in the action of the story.
Overall, this is a really interesting look at how two brothers relate to each other, and how life’s crazy circumstances can change they dynamic within families. Great work!
Damn. Sorry I posted the comment to Matty by accident. Here is the right one:
Dear Zach,
To me, the external story is about a new freshman in college, who goes home to his religious mother and tells her that he is now agnostic. The internal story follows a boy who has conflicting feelings about how his mother raised him, both rejecting and needing her in his life.
I love this story, first of all because it sounds so familiar! But I also really like this character you built; he is complex and interesting. He needs to break free from home, be his own person… and yet he is still so tied to his family. He rejects the religion and customs that have always been forced on him, and yet at the end he doesn’t turn on the lights. He seems to hate that his mother made him spell, and yet it is a habit he can’t get rid of. He seems to hate how controlling his mother is, yet he responds to Kim with the same obedience he would to his mother. He doesn’t want to face his mother’s reaction when he breaks the news, and yet he wants to see her cry once he gets home on Shabbat. The inner tensions are so intriguing.
Another great part of this story is the dialogue. Each character has such a clear voice, and the chosen words and syntax are very realistic to me. The way Rachel talks is perfect for a nine year old, the way Mom speaks is perfect for a Jewish mother, and the way Jake and Kim speak sounds like college students. While they all fit their categories, they also say interesting things, making them each unique speakers. I love the way you portray conversations differently throughout the story, sometimes using actual dialogue and sometimes using narrative summary. They are both effective ways of communicating to the reader what happened, and make us pay attention more when actual words are spoken.
Something that I think needs to be developed is the reaction Jake’s mother has to the big news. It is slightly anticlimactic as it is now. Jake feels such strong emotions leading up to this moment, and it seems like it will be a blowout, based on how Mom reacts to lesser things. And yet, she just responds by talking about what Shabbat means to her? I expected to see dramatic outrage, confusion, sadness. I like that we see what Judaism and Shabbat mean to her, and how that may affect Jake’s perspective. But I think this scene needs to be expanded and explored, because I wouldn’t think this Mom would take that news so easily.
Another aspect that maybe needs some development is Kim. I really like what you’ve done so far, and I like how she is used to show what Jake’s relationship with Rachel is like. But I also sort of wonder how she is important to this story. To me the story is more about Jake’s relationship with his mother, and telling her about his choice to be agnostic, so Kim’s role seems almost irrelevant to the main story. However, I think there is great potential here, especially after reading the line: “’You’re such a weirdo. It’s not like I’m your mother’” (6). What is Jake looking for in a relationship with Kim? Why does she turn him down? How does the influence of Jake’s mom affect how he behaves with her?
Overall, this is a great story, and does hit close to home. I think it’s a great portrayal of the freedom and fear that come when a child leaves home for the first time. Great job!
Zach, I thought that the outer story of this piece is both Jake asking Kim out but being rejected and his trip home where he tells his mother he no longer believes in God. The inner story of this piece is the exchange of ideas between Jake and his mother, and how in the end both take away something from the others’ ideology. I thought that you painted some wonderful characters here. I think Rachel is particularly well rendered. She often sounds exactly nine years old. I love how she is upset that Jake is upset she spells ‘vacuum,’ even though she got the two ‘u’s in. I love how Rachel hounds Jake for information about Kim, and so cutely tells him to find out what she likes for breakfast, whispering “conspiratorially” that he should then make it for her. I think it is perfect how she runs to catch the phone, and explains in such wonderfully child-like detail the ice cream truck’s visit and her decisions regarding her two treats. You have created a full and rich relationship between these siblings; I felt their relationship was very real. There were some interactions that I felt were forced, particularly between the mom and Jake. I do think it is strange she calls him Champ, and I wish that was more completely explained. Why does it bug him so much? Also, on pg 5, I thought her forcing him to spell seemed too obvious of an annoying mother situation. The mom is obnoxious, yes, but I felt it was heavy-handed here. I thought the scene where Jake makes his mother pulled over could be developed and expanded more. Jake is annoyed at Rachel’s spelling, and how it shows his mother’s oppressive and forceful parenting style, but how is it different from any other word Rachel spells? Why is he pushed over the edge on this car ride with that word at that moment? This is a crucial scene--Jake confronts his mother and takes the control in their relationship, but I want to know more behind his feelings and thoughts, here. Also, I want to see the mom react more. He makes her pull off the freeway (something my mom wouldn’t do…I think she would just keep driving, or come to a normal stop on an off-ramp). Jake has a tantrum of sorts, and I wanted to see the mom get angry/angrier. Does she give him the cold shoulder? Punish him later? Is she cold to him the next day? I wanted to know and see more. (Also, notably, I thought the conversation where Rachel tells Jake that Kim is dumb for not liking him was rather too-old-sounding for a nine year old. Although it is a cute and heart-warming scene and the language is young, I thought what she was saying and how she reassures him was much too old.) You have the story begin and end with Kim, and you have some great flirting, tension, and relationships between the two. But I wonder if you should save her for another story. I was so caught up in the mother’s intense Judaism, Jake’s agnostic choice, and the repercussions this had on his family, that Kim seemed less interesting and important in comparison. I think your story is about this wonderful nuclear family you have created, and you could either let Kim become much more of a nominal character, or perhaps take her out altogether. You have a great set of characters here, and a great, clear plot.
12 comments:
Dear Zach,
Wow, stellar story. I really enjoyed Champ and admire a lot of the elements you’ve got here. I read your outer story to be about a college freshman returning home for the first time, and then returning to school and getting rejected by the girl he wants to date. I read your inner story to be about a son trying to break free from his controlling mother, only to find the importance and comfort of family when he encounters hardship at school. I thought that Jake wanted to become his own person, and to do that by shedding his former identity and habits. I thought that Jake’s mom wanted her son to be a high achiever and to be grounded in Jewish tradition, in large part because she wanted him to be successful, obedient, and controllable.
I think that you do an excellent job using the first person to establish a subtle point of view. Jake filters everything for us, but the filter is so subtle that it’s not until the end of the story that I fully realized that his view of the world (when looking at everyday details) isn’t that of Kim’s, and that it certainly isn’t that of his mother’s or sisters. The subtlety is great here—I feel that you use action and description very well to show rather than tell, so that as readers we learn about the character through inference.
I think you also do a great job of invoking familiar elements of the freshman experience without making them feel tired or clichéd. There were many times in your piece that I felt I was the one having the conversation—some of the messages Jake leaves, the conversations with his mother, and the conversations with his sister all had the ring of familiar truth, but they also were very three dimensional.
I think that came, in part, from the attention to detail and characterization. Like your previous pieces, Champ creates characters with enough quirk and enough humor that they’re always engaging, and yet complex enough, and detailed enough, that they feel very real. I like details like “Cinderella shirt” and “high heels and makeup.” Through these I see the scene and I see the character very clearly. Jake’s sister is wonderful—she really evoked all sorts of emotion in me without feeling like a tool.
I did want to know some more about why Jake hates spelling so vehemently. It’s clear his sister likes it (something Jake understands by the end, and his mastery of his hatred shows a maturing and the depth of his love for his sister), but Jake hated it. His mother doesn’t ever strike me as terribly controlling, so why he’s reacted so strongly doesn’t seem clear to me.
Nor does the degree to which he renounces Judaism. It wasn’t hard for me to believe that he’d start ignoring the Shabbat rules and would start skipping out on services, but it was harder for me to believe that he’d reject the entire cultural aspect, especially if it is as big a part of his identity as I thought it was. I never saw him actively working to cut these elements out of who he was, but his rejection seems to be a new and big deal, so I’d like to see some more of the process behind the transformation there. (Or the lack of transformation, try as Jake might.)
Finally, I think the detail about Dad being gone was tantalizing, and important to explain some more. The story, at it crux, seems to be about identity, family, and relationships. I imagine that Dad’s departure has affected all these in Jake’s life, but how and why remain unclear.
Great story and the great characters!
James
Zach, I perceived the outer-story as taking place on two different subplots—he’s going home for Thanksgiving break and is kind of ambivalent about seeing his family (he’s starting to question some of the Jewish beliefs imposed upon him by his mother, and has had very little contact with her all quarter). Meanwhile, he really likes this girl, Kim, and would like to see a relationship develop out of it. However, he’s never had a girlfriend before and is unsure as to whether his feelings are reciprocal. I perceived the inner story as Jake’s internal struggles and guilt associated with rejecting the beliefs that his mother considers so important to the vitality of their family. Things like the spelling bees are also important in conveying the dominance of the mother in the lives of her children—the same dominance that Jake is trying to wrest himself free from.
I thought Jake was a very relatable character—and his feelings about being away from home for the first time seem very real and true. Things like starting to question imposed beliefs accompanied by feelings of freedom—but at the same time feelings of misdirection and uncertainty—are all evident at this uncertain period in young people’s lives. The phone conversation with his mom was great too—his trying to turn the tables on his Shabbat phone call, telling her that he thought she’d like it, when in reality he probably had ulterior motives was very interesting and said a lot about Jake as a character.
I really liked how at the beginning you wrote, “I’ll be home in a week, and I know I won’t be able to lie to her face.” This creates conflict and tension, but it’s important that you don’t flat out say what the lie will be, or what Jake’s contemplating lying about. This compelled me to read further and figure it out myself—which you allow me to do. Nice work.
My favorite part was the scene where Jake asks Kim out on a date. At that point I had already invested a lot into Jake, and so it was crushing to see him get rejected in this very real scene. The tension, nervousness and awkwardness seeped through the page. Jake’s subsequent phone call to Rachel highlights the close relationship they have with one another, even though she seems much younger than Jake. They provide comfort and support for one another, and it’s a very touching, poignant relationship.
One thing that I thought you could have gone into more was the dad’s departure, and how it affected the family. Did the mother change because of this? Is that why she’s so controlling—is she afraid she’ll lose her children too? Adding more back story for this part can help explain the current attitudes of the characters on a new, more compelling level.
I also felt as though the scenes could have been described a bit better; for example, I knew i was in a dorm room, but I would have loved to see the dorm room—or even Jake’s home. I didn’t even know what part of the country he lived in, let alone what his house was like. Was his family rich or poor?
Another little thing: I never really got a feel for Rachel’s age. At times I thought she was ten or younger and at other times I thought she might be a young teen, as she made insightful comments or had mature actions that suggested she was older.
Overall I think this was a great draft, and I wish you the best of luck with your revisions.
-Nick
Zach:
This is great. The outer story is Jacob having a crush on a girl his freshman year, going to visit his family, and then coming home to be rejected by the girl. The inner story is Zach battling for his own identity separate from his controlling mom and her religious views. His relationship with Kim, which eventually ends in rejection, reveals itself as a means of connection with his sister, who seems to know him better than anybody and helps bring him to a new understanding of himself.
There is so much wonderful stuff here. I love Jacob, his observations, his personality, and his honesty with himself and the reader. I love his relationship with his sister, how tender and lovely it is without being contrived. His mother is great too, and the spelling thing adds so much humor and interest to everything. You create a fantastic voice, the dialogue is wonderful, and your details are really great in a lovely understated way – Kim’s eyes that change color, Rachel holding his hand, Kim’s makeup and aversion of eye-contact, just to name a few. The ending is also great because it shows that Jacob has come to accept his past as well as who he is now, and that he his new understanding of himself has brought him closer to his family.
A few ideas: I want to know more about Kim and Jake’s relationship with her, so that at the end her rejecting him has more weight. I marked on my copy of your story a good place for you to do this. The spelling thing also feels like it needs to be explained more in two different ways: 1) it should be explained at least subtly more in the beginning so that his suppression of the urge to spell doesn’t seem so odd. I thought he might have a weird case of OCD or something before I read the rest. 2) the spelling seems to have a huge role in his relationship with his family, and the reader should understand more about why his mom made him spell and is now making his sister spell in order to get Jake’s intense negative reactions to it (ex: feeling like he has to vomit). You mention the father briefly, and I feel like that is a serious issue that could be elaborated upon and really enrich the story. The religion thing should also be gone into a bit more – I want to see Jacob in college fighting to get rid of his old religious habits, realizing that he doesn’t believe in God, fighting against the deeply ingrained beliefs his mom force-fed him and his sister. Lastly, when Jake finally tells his mom about his newly found agnosticism, I felt like her reaction didn’t show us the over-bearing, emotional, passive aggressive mother that the reader expects. Have her fight him a bit more before finally backing off and explaining her side. Her calm acceptance makes us like her and wonder why Jacob was being so dramatic about it all. If she force-fed him then she won’t want to back down now.
I love this. Congratulations on a fantastic first draft. I can’t wait to see the final version.
-Brodie
Zach’s Champ
The outer story in this piece is about Jake’s first Thanksgiving back from college, where he runs into some conflicts with his mother. The inner story concerns Jake’s struggle to maintain close to his family, whom he clearly loves, while at the same time becoming more distant from them because of geography, as well as other more serious points of contention. Jake, then, ultimately wants to stay close to his family while simultaneously breaking away from them.
This was a really great story, and I think it worked for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was the very strong characterization. Jake’s mom and sister was wonderfully realized, and they felt like real human beings. Jake, too, was complex and interesting, which is sometimes hard to pull off in the first person. None of the characters was too one note or flat; they all had complexities that really brought them to life. In addition, the dialogue here is excellent. You write like people talk might sound like a prosaic complement, but it can be a hard thing to pull off. You nailed it. It was also often funny, but not in a strained or contrived way. I thought Rachael especially had some endearing and humorous lines.
Plot-wise, I really liked that there was a lot going on. The conflict between Jake and his mom, which forms the heart of the story, had a lot of different levels, which was well observed and felt very true. There was also a strong sense of context and backstory, but you never resorted to exposition: we find out about things like Jake’s Spelling Bee career organically as the story progresses. Other elements, like absence of a father, cast a long shadow on the story, and you don’t need to point to them to get that sense, which is also very effective. There’s a lot that’s merely hinted at or suggested in this piece, which made it all the stronger.
As far as areas for improvement, there could perhaps be a little more contention between Jake and his mom. Particularly, in the scene where he tells her he doesn’t believe in God, I thought there should be a bit more tension. Not a lot, I don’t want handstands or histrionics and I very much liked that their disputes were never too loud or dramatic, but the mom, who is presented as a pretty observant Jew, would, I thought, probably have a somewhat more serious reaction. I also wanted a teensy bit more about Jake’s spelling background. My reading of it was that he never really liked it, and that his mom forced him into it, which he saw happening all over again with Rachel. Thus, when Rachel claims she likes spelling, he backs off a bit. However, I think all of that could come out a little more clearly in the story. Why does Jake seem to accept Rachel’s spelling at the end? What changed? Has he realized that he himself didn’t really hate the Bees all that much? Or is this just sort of a metaphor for him staying close on some level with his family? I think either is okay (or both), but it should be made clearer.
Finally, I’m not sure about Kim. I like her character, and I enjoyed all the scenes in which she appeared. She definitely serves to make Jake’s college experience colder and less accepting, which is important in the story. I also loved the ambiguity of the whole relationship and the painfully awkward “asking her out on a date” scene. I’m not sure. I could go either way. To some degree I felt she was superfluous, but thinking back on it, maybe not. I definitely don’t think she should be excised entirely, but maybe changed in some way.
At any rate, I really loved this story!
Michael Booe
Zach:
The outer story is about Jacob, who’s a freshman at college and is returning home for the first time over Thanksgiving break. Then, there seem to be three inner stories. The first is about Jake’s struggle with his changing views on his religion. The second is his unrequited attraction to Kim. The third is his resentment over his spelling bee past. Although I suppose the first and third could be consolidated, as they both are manifested in anger towards Jake’s mother. Jake’s ultimate objective seems to be freedom, weightlessness. His mother is certainly overbearing, and Jake is exploring new routes to escape what feels like a trapped past. I’m trying to figure out how Kim fits into this picture. Does she, too, liberate him? What, then am I supposed to interpret at the end when she rejects him? Is this failed flight?
This story felt incredibly real to me, and I think what contributed to that the most was your dialogue. It’s really fantastic. Each character is distinct and true. I was also pleasantly surprised to see that you did not simply rely on this incredible skill for direct dialogue. You never let it get to the point where I was tired of the dialogue, but rather quickly switched to indirect, summary, etc. I found it especially innovative when you erase Jake’s dialogue altogether and all we have is Rachel’s response on page 9 (“Don’t say those things”): we can obviously infer what sort of things Jake has said.
I think what sustains your story for so long is that you have these multiple inner stories. The trajectory for the story is not as clear-cut, which is definitely truer to life. We have many crises all of the time. The only thing I wonder is if one inner story should dominate in emotional weight over the others. We begin and end essentially with Kim, but I don’t really feel like Kim is the central crisis of the story. The religion issue, objectively, seems most monumental, but it is resolved rather neatly. Lastly, the spelling tension is represented in the title and the very last line. While Jake’s perspective on his spelling past seems to evolve over the arc of the story, it’s not as clean of an outcome as religion, which hints that the spelling is the most complex of the three. However, I feel like spelling is delved into the least. I obviously spent a lot of time while reading this story, trying to figure out where symbolism was pointing, where we would see the character change the most, etc. Again, while I feel like this is more true to reality, sometimes the allegorical nature of fiction can help illuminate truths that do not occur quite so naturally. Does that make sense?
Lastly, sometimes I’m a little confused as to who the audience is. For most of the piece, it feels like Jake is telling this story for himself. When he asks questions or explains too much, it breaks out of this point of view.
This is an impressively developed first draft and I can see how your work as an actor has contributed to your ear for dialogue. (I hope that’s not creepy, I saw you at the Shakes performance.)
-Michelle
Zach,
Great story. I read the outer story as a college freshman dealing with a lot of the stuff that every college freshman has to deal with: being away from home, experiencing new things, having what they believe in shaken up, mixed in with a lot of loneliness and uncertainty. Jake has all of this, plus a religious and family crisis to deal with. The inner story was Jake learning to handle all of these changes and the way in which his relationship with his mother changed. I think that Jake wants to become somebody new at college, getting away from his family, religion and what I can only assume to be his old nerdy self (maybe I'm biased against spelling champs?).
I thought you did a really great job creating and developing Jake as a protagonist we can care about. The other characters were great as well. I was able to get a sense of the character's voice right from the beginning of the story. He is self-aware (and self-conscious) without seeming pathetic or grating on the reader. I think that this is because he likes who he his becoming. The line at the bottom of page one, "At that moment, I think that I could go on not tellingher things forever" is a gem. I really liked the mother and the little sister as well. They both seemed plausible and I could get a sense of the tension and love that existed in the relationships, especially between Jake and his mother. You did a great job with the mother, she is overbearing, but not a caricature and despite her strong convictions she is willing to accept her son's decisions. I would imagine that some people will tell you that they wanted more of Kim, but I thought that her role in the story was appropriate. I didn't want her to be a major character, since the story wasn't about her. She is just The Girl At College, I don't even think Jake liked her that much. I liked her better as an undeveloped character, an object of Jake's affections just because he wanted an object of his affections.
The dialogue in this story is great, it feels real. There were very few times that I felt like I was reading something 'written', for the most part, I could imagine the words being spoken by the characters.
One thing that I was not crazy about was the scene in which Kim rejects Jake's date proposal. Everything in the story felt so real except for this part. I think she at least needs to speak and give some sort of explanation, since it seems that she and Jake did have some sort of real relationship, whether or not Jake misread the existence of romantic feelings.
Also, at times Jake's voice slips into summary when I feel that it doesn't need to. You are so good at writing scenes with dialogue that I found myself frustrated, wanting to see the scene rather than hear a summarazation of what happened.
Small problems, but on the whole, great work.
Joaquin
Dear Zach,
There are two outer stories in “Champ”—one is a sweet love story between Kim and our narrator, Jake (Jacob when his mother is angry), and the other is about how Jake is going to tell his mother about the ways he’s changed in college. I thought the inner story was about how Jake struggles with these identities of good son, rebellious college student, sweet brother, and possible boyfriend. I thought it was a very interesting choice to make the story not about the revelation he has at college (which could come off as melodramatic—how does a person come to not believe?—or conversely very boring—laziness, etc.) and more so about the aftermath of these choices. Jake comes off very clearly, from the very beginning, as a really sweet, awkward guy. I love him immensely. His motivations are to not cause his mother pain, but to make a necessary break into claiming his own personality.
First things first: please don’t worry about the length of your story. Your writing is a pleasure to read. You give Jake a very sincere, good-kid voice that is believable to the point that when he cusses, I almost don’t believe it (no, really, it seemed a little harsh for this guy). The tensions you’re drawing out—about being away from home, about trying to find oneself—are really complex; and the reason I say not to worry about length is because sometimes I felt like you were rushing scenes and not giving your characters enough space to interact together. For instance, I felt that the climax of your story was when he finally tells his mother that he’s changed, that he’s no longer her champ. And while I definitely felt the scene the way that it’s written now, I thought that the moment might be even more powerful if you showed me the tension building throughout that Thanksgiving break instead of saying, “The week goes fast.” Show me how he has tried to give her more hints (like the way he did with calling her on Saturday), show me how overbearing his mother is and how they battle with each other for little instances of control. So when he finally tells her on this very important day, it feels like it’s built up over this week. Also, this is an important scene and I don’t know that I would summarize dialogue in their conversation. As a reader, I am more than willing to listen in on this dialogue, so give it time. When you do slow things down, amazing things happen, like when Jake finally talks to Kim (disregarding the part when he doesn’t tell her about the Spelling Bee directly), I feel like I’m there. I love the details of her reaction. I love the way he says it, and that perfect joke, “I’ll even spell for you.” Awesome. In terms of their love story, I really liked the idea of him getting so much comfort from his little sister. And I do believe that she’s precocious and her voice is very believable when dealing with other topics (Thanksgiving, ice cream, and spelling), but in terms of the love story, I wasn’t sure how much I believed her. She is nine, the age that my sister is, and while she’s perfectly capable of giving a hug and being comforting in other cute ways, I don’t know that she could say what Rachel says on 14. I don’t even know that she would bring it up. My sister still thinks of boys as immature and too loud in class. This may just be me, though, so, something to think about.
In general, I really liked your story, Zach. It was sweet, but not overly so. I like that he doesn’t get Kim. You have a great sense of dialogue and detail and I really loved all your characters. So don’t be afraid to give me more. I look forward to talking about “Champ” in class. Thank you for sharing.
Jessamyn
Hey Zach,
I saw the outer story of Champ as being about Jake, who's in his first year at college and away from home, and the events surrounding his return home for Thanksgiving. Kim is a girl (space) friend of his, with whom he wants to be more intimate but she rejects his advances towards anything more than close friendship. When coming home, Zach reveals to his mother that he's turned away from Judaism in favor of agnosticism, which is big because it's a large part of her life. I saw the inner story as Zach's realization of his personality, and finding that his true beliefs come into conflict with those that he was raised with. In the end, he sort of accepts his past, although I wasn't totally certain (more on that later).
I really LOVED reading your story- there was just a sort of breezy fluidity to the language that made it a quick and easy (and very enjoyable) read. Zach's voice is fantastic, as it has its own uniqueness without really resorting to any sort of uncommon tendencies (see: my story and cursing). It felt very real and honest, and I definitely could relate to some of the aspects of his character and especially his relationship with his mother and sister. It's also told in a sort of short-sentence present tense that makes it really feel like a story being told to me rather than something pre-written. You also do a brilliant job of explaining key elements of the story (his religious choice, his true relationship with Kim) in a manner that isn't at all forceful and is implemented at just the right times.
I had one qualm with the story itself, in that I wasn't exactly sure of how the overall conflict of the story played out in the end. Jake, for a while, seemed to have BIG issues with his mother's religious indoctrination and her having Rachel spell, and I was anticipating a bigger reveal of why they were such a big deal to him. Instead, it just seemed like his mother pretty quickly accepted his choice and he gave in to Rachel's spelling tendencies and I didn't feel like it was totally resolved. I think I can connect the dots, but it wasn't quite there. I also think Rachel and the mother weren't entirely consistent- Rachel seemed a bit too smart and insightful for a nine-year-old, and the mother seemed to change from very religious to pretty observant over the course of the story, and I couldn't tell if that was just Jake's interpretation or the actual events. Those really are pretty nitpicky, I think, and jst a few tweasks could probably make their characters a little more clear. The relationships between the characters were fantastic through and through, especially Jake's avoidance of his mother early on.
I thought this was a great story- it gave off a very welcoming vibe, and I felt like it was doing more work telling a story than I was doing reading it. I'd love to see how the relationships and characters develop!
-Matty
Dear Zach,
Sorry for the late post. My big green bike that makes me happy got stolen today and I have been deciding which circle of hell the culprit belongs in. This story was about a boy who has been pressured by his mother all of his childhood and him finally standing up to his mother, then realizing that he still loves her and misses her. I think that what Jacob wants is to be more “normal” He reacts to some of the strange things that his mother does so strongly that he almost goes to the opposite polarity of weirdness, if that makes sense. I think that he also wants to date Kim and is in that really crappy and totally untrue just friends place with her.
Story
There is clearly a lot going on here. There is his spelling mania, his girl trouble, telling mom he’s agnostic, fear for his sister, and what seems like a delayed teenage rebellion, also this sense of guilt that his mother puts on him. I was a little overwhelmed, as Jacob must be too, so I tried to prioritize them in my mind for the reading of the story. I think that Jacob’s main concern is that he will disappoint his mother and she will rain down stifling guilt upon him, for the agnostic thing I mean. He doesn’t seem to worry about this as much though. I wasn’t sure whether he was scared or excited to tell her, as though doing this thing that he knows will hurt her will make him feel better.
That in mind, I want to know why he has so much anger for her. Some details about him growing up, the fact that he never got to go out on Friday nights, images of his mom forcing him to sit and spell words when he didn’t want to would help me put this together better.
Characters
Where exactly is his dad? I know he left, but I think that the circumstances of his departure are very important to this story. If he left mom for another woman, I can see her being so clingy with her children. Did they always fight, was he a drunk, was he abusive and does his mother ever get at him by telling him he is like his father? Was his father Jewish too? I don’t necessarily want to know all of these things, but I think a little more of dad would help me understand the situation.
Kim is not interested, but up until the end of the story I think she might be. Does she give any clues to this in the things she says to him? She seems pretty progressive and maybe that’s why he likes her, she is so different from his mom and home life. I wanted to see him think about her while he is at home maybe he calls her again and she is either annoyed or doesn’t pick up.
This is the fastest I have gone through fourteen pages in a while. Great Job.
Michael
Dear Matty,
To me, the outer story is about an undercover cop who moves into his brother’s house after he gets shot and has money problems. The internal story is how Lawrence dislikes and is jealous of his younger, more successful brother, but how they eventually can reconnect by reminiscing about the past.
I really like how the tone of this story is strong and consistent. With the use of slang and curse words and abbreviating words, we get an idea of what it would be like to talk to the narrator. His attitude is so cynical, and he is so observant, so we get a great sense of how he takes in the world around him. His extreme loathing comes through both directly and indirectly. I love the slightly indirect description: “I hated the cold; heat was by far my favorite bit about living in the desert. Among my least favorite parts were ugly southwestern-styled couches and red-tiled floors like Greg had in his living room” (3). The reader knows exactly where Lawrence stands, and it comes through his dialogue, thought processes, and the language used for both.
Another thing I find really interesting is the tension Lawrence feels in his new everyday life. Watching how he has been influenced by the bullet wound and how he now interacts with people is so interesting, especially when we later find out that he was so sociable in high school. It’s great how he describes his wound as “a daily bonus reminder of my own mortality in the form of a chronic numbness from my calves down” (4), and how he notices so acutely how people can’t talk to him without focusing on the light patches of skin on his neck.
Something that could use a little tweaking is the dialogue, especially in the final scene with Greg. I think they both say important things, and a lot gets expressed, but the interchange doesn’t feel natural. For example, it seems strange that when Greg pours his heart out about missing his brother, Lawrence responds by attacking Greg’s artificiality. And when Greg explains the story of Lawrence to the Thompsons, I learn a lot of crucial information, but the way he does it, in monologue dialectic form like that, doesn’t seem quite realistic.
Another question I had was about why exactly Lawrence does think and talk with such an uneducated feel. While it is interesting, and makes him sound tough, I don’t quite know how it is justified. While the story says that he changes his way of talking based on who he’s with, it makes me wonder why he isn’t more perceptive and reactive to the people around him in this segment of his life – the part shown in the action of the story.
Overall, this is a really interesting look at how two brothers relate to each other, and how life’s crazy circumstances can change they dynamic within families. Great work!
-Annie Jonas
Damn. Sorry I posted the comment to Matty by accident. Here is the right one:
Dear Zach,
To me, the external story is about a new freshman in college, who goes home to his religious mother and tells her that he is now agnostic. The internal story follows a boy who has conflicting feelings about how his mother raised him, both rejecting and needing her in his life.
I love this story, first of all because it sounds so familiar! But I also really like this character you built; he is complex and interesting. He needs to break free from home, be his own person… and yet he is still so tied to his family. He rejects the religion and customs that have always been forced on him, and yet at the end he doesn’t turn on the lights. He seems to hate that his mother made him spell, and yet it is a habit he can’t get rid of. He seems to hate how controlling his mother is, yet he responds to Kim with the same obedience he would to his mother. He doesn’t want to face his mother’s reaction when he breaks the news, and yet he wants to see her cry once he gets home on Shabbat. The inner tensions are so intriguing.
Another great part of this story is the dialogue. Each character has such a clear voice, and the chosen words and syntax are very realistic to me. The way Rachel talks is perfect for a nine year old, the way Mom speaks is perfect for a Jewish mother, and the way Jake and Kim speak sounds like college students. While they all fit their categories, they also say interesting things, making them each unique speakers. I love the way you portray conversations differently throughout the story, sometimes using actual dialogue and sometimes using narrative summary. They are both effective ways of communicating to the reader what happened, and make us pay attention more when actual words are spoken.
Something that I think needs to be developed is the reaction Jake’s mother has to the big news. It is slightly anticlimactic as it is now. Jake feels such strong emotions leading up to this moment, and it seems like it will be a blowout, based on how Mom reacts to lesser things. And yet, she just responds by talking about what Shabbat means to her? I expected to see dramatic outrage, confusion, sadness. I like that we see what Judaism and Shabbat mean to her, and how that may affect Jake’s perspective. But I think this scene needs to be expanded and explored, because I wouldn’t think this Mom would take that news so easily.
Another aspect that maybe needs some development is Kim. I really like what you’ve done so far, and I like how she is used to show what Jake’s relationship with Rachel is like. But I also sort of wonder how she is important to this story. To me the story is more about Jake’s relationship with his mother, and telling her about his choice to be agnostic, so Kim’s role seems almost irrelevant to the main story. However, I think there is great potential here, especially after reading the line: “’You’re such a weirdo. It’s not like I’m your mother’” (6). What is Jake looking for in a relationship with Kim? Why does she turn him down? How does the influence of Jake’s mom affect how he behaves with her?
Overall, this is a great story, and does hit close to home. I think it’s a great portrayal of the freedom and fear that come when a child leaves home for the first time. Great job!
-Annie Jonas
Zach,
I thought that the outer story of this piece is both Jake asking Kim out but being rejected and his trip home where he tells his mother he no longer believes in God. The inner story of this piece is the exchange of ideas between Jake and his mother, and how in the end both take away something from the others’ ideology.
I thought that you painted some wonderful characters here. I think Rachel is particularly well rendered. She often sounds exactly nine years old. I love how she is upset that Jake is upset she spells ‘vacuum,’ even though she got the two ‘u’s in. I love how Rachel hounds Jake for information about Kim, and so cutely tells him to find out what she likes for breakfast, whispering “conspiratorially” that he should then make it for her. I think it is perfect how she runs to catch the phone, and explains in such wonderfully child-like detail the ice cream truck’s visit and her decisions regarding her two treats. You have created a full and rich relationship between these siblings; I felt their relationship was very real.
There were some interactions that I felt were forced, particularly between the mom and Jake. I do think it is strange she calls him Champ, and I wish that was more completely explained. Why does it bug him so much? Also, on pg 5, I thought her forcing him to spell seemed too obvious of an annoying mother situation. The mom is obnoxious, yes, but I felt it was heavy-handed here. I thought the scene where Jake makes his mother pulled over could be developed and expanded more. Jake is annoyed at Rachel’s spelling, and how it shows his mother’s oppressive and forceful parenting style, but how is it different from any other word Rachel spells? Why is he pushed over the edge on this car ride with that word at that moment? This is a crucial scene--Jake confronts his mother and takes the control in their relationship, but I want to know more behind his feelings and thoughts, here. Also, I want to see the mom react more. He makes her pull off the freeway (something my mom wouldn’t do…I think she would just keep driving, or come to a normal stop on an off-ramp). Jake has a tantrum of sorts, and I wanted to see the mom get angry/angrier. Does she give him the cold shoulder? Punish him later? Is she cold to him the next day? I wanted to know and see more. (Also, notably, I thought the conversation where Rachel tells Jake that Kim is dumb for not liking him was rather too-old-sounding for a nine year old. Although it is a cute and heart-warming scene and the language is young, I thought what she was saying and how she reassures him was much too old.)
You have the story begin and end with Kim, and you have some great flirting, tension, and relationships between the two. But I wonder if you should save her for another story. I was so caught up in the mother’s intense Judaism, Jake’s agnostic choice, and the repercussions this had on his family, that Kim seemed less interesting and important in comparison. I think your story is about this wonderful nuclear family you have created, and you could either let Kim become much more of a nominal character, or perhaps take her out altogether.
You have a great set of characters here, and a great, clear plot.
You have a great start,
Katie
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